


Worthy

by nextboldmove



Series: Worthy [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Confusion, Dark Past, Expanded Universe, Finn is not an infant, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Misunderstood, Poe is an idiot, Romance, Slow Burn, Smut, Some Canon, Stop writing Finn like he's a child he's a grown ass man, any rape or violent sex will come with warning, explicit gay and het sex, first lots of things, i don't like too many tags because i feel it spoils the fic, jerk!poe, some cheating/sleeping around
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-05-11 14:30:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 53
Words: 160,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5629843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nextboldmove/pseuds/nextboldmove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn placed his life in Poe’s hands that day when he rescued him from Kylo Ren, and Poe owes him his life. As Finn settles into having a real life, the life he should have had, Poe takes it upon himself to show Finn everything life has to offer. In the process, Poe comes to terms with his own past and develops a much deeper connection with the man he named.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS: Obviously TFA, but also some potential expanded universe stuff, but I may have twisted things to fit my ideas ;) This picks up during the scene where Rey takes the Falcon to go find Luke Skywalker. The beginning is intentionally vague and hints at a back story that I promise you will learn! It’s a slow burn, eventual Poe/Finn, and smut. BTW I may have made up some planet/alien names in addition to canon ones. I also had a discussion with my husband that when Han died, Leia sat down because she felt it thru the Force and that Ben being Kylo Ren is still a huge secret, so others wouldn’t know unless Rey told them. That’s my headcanon so I’m sticking to it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe has spent a lot of the past few days at Finn’s bedside, feeling responsible for him and equally unworthy of his trust. He also manages to distract himself from the events of the past week with a new arrival to the base.

He wants to believe that Rey will find Luke Skywalker. He needs to believe it. After everything that has happened, after everyone lost, he needs to believe that it can all be over and that Luke Skywalker can end it. So he watches as the blue light of the Falcon gets smaller and smaller as the ship gets farther and farther out of orbit, sending his hope along with it. It’s only when the Millennium Falcon is out of sight when the crowd begins to disperse. Poe turns to go back to the medical bay when General Leia reaches out for his arm.

“Poe…”

Poe holds his breath and closes his eyes, not wanting to turn around. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

Poe steels himself before turning to face her. “That Ben is still alive. Rey told me.”

Leia bows her head. Poe knows that he should shut his face and just go inside, that kicking her when she’s down is an asshole thing to do, but he is so angry he can’t really stop himself. “Han didn’t have to die if you would have just been honest with everyone.”

“And do what, Poe? Luke would still be gone and…” Leia whispers, afraid the few remaining in the crowd are still close enough to hear. 

“Nobody would have followed your leadership? General Organa, with all due respect you are very good at leading rebellions. Seems to be the only thing you really know how to do.”  
Poe shakes free of her grasp. “I’m…I know you didn’t turn him. I know Han didn’t. But…you should have told me. I deserved to know.”

“I couldn’t, you understand. I just wanted Han to bring him home. I never should have let him leave.” Her eyes well with tears but she still has enough control to keep them from spilling over. “You were so young and…I didn’t want you to make the same mistake I did.”

“And what was that, General?”

“Letting your feelings blind you to the truth.”

~

He wants to break things. He wants to get into his fighter and fly into a mountain. He wants to burn. He’s angry. So many lies, so many secrets. The Skywalker family drama has a tendency to lash out and ruin the lives of every other being in the galaxy. The absurdity of the thought brings a chuckle out of his throat, which calms him just enough before he finally makes his way down the hall and into the medical bay. He won’t bring that kind of anger into this room.

He nods in greeting to the nurses and doctor before pulling a rickety stool up next to Finn’s bed. He’s still unconscious. With the limited medical supplies they have on hand, they decided it was best to keep him under and let his body heal itself. Poe tried to convince Leia to let him make a run to another system to get the equipment to speed up his healing, but she forbade it. No runs off the planet until they know where the First Order stands. She called it a suicide mission, even for him. So instead, Poe spends most of his time here next to Finn, waiting for him to wake up. 

“Hey Finn, how ya doing?” Poe smiles. “Stupid question, I know. But hey, what else am I gonna say?”

The head nurse approaches them, carrying a cup and pushing a much more comfortable-looking chair. “Poe, I wasn’t sure if you were coming today.”

He stands, pushes the stool out of the way and helps put the chair in place, nodding in thanks. “The General asked for me to present at the launching of the Falcon. Thank you, Shubuntu,” he takes the cup and sits down.

She smiles. “We are all hoping she can find him and bring him back. I have news about your friend. His brain patterns are stabilizing, the tissue regeneration is starting to speed up.”

“When will he wake up?”

“I really don’t know, could be in ten minutes or ten days. If only we had proper equipment I could know for certain.” She sighs, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I know I’ve said this before, but you being here…”

Poe covers her hand with his briefly. “I know. Thank you.”

“I’ll bring you some food later. You know where the beverage station and the extra pillows and blankets are, help yourself.” She removes her hand and walks away.

Poe settles into the significantly more comfortable chair. “When you wake up, she’s gonna tell you just how many minutes I have spent sitting here and I’ll just have to deny it.”

He begins to do what he does every single time he visits Finn. He tells stories. He’s probably recounted every single mission he’s been on for the Resistance at least twice and yes, the second time he told the stories there were more explosions and close calls then the first recounting. He can tell he is pushing the limits of believability when other nurses walk back and roll their eyes, but he doesn’t really care. It takes his mind off of what Leia said. Off of Ben and Han and Rey’s mission. 

~

He wakes up to a hand on his shoulder. He’s been in this medical bay enough to know it’s Shubuntu before he even opens his eyes. When he does, he is greeted by his warm smile and a plate of food. “Here sweetheart.”

Poe pulls the blanket off him—how did he get a blanket?—and takes the tray. “You are the best.”

“I got you a blanket too, after you fell asleep. There’s something wrong with the condensers in this wing so I brought him one too. The draft gets through the field on the table.” She smiles. Her smile is so warm and genuine that he can’t help but feel comforted and cared for. It’s a nice feeling. 

“Thank you,” Poe says earnestly. “I have no doubt Finn would be dead right now if it wasn’t for you.”

“Right now I could say the same for you,” she replies softly, leaving Poe to finish his meal.

He takes a bite and moans. “Ah Finn, you gotta wake up. Our new cook staff on base is incredible. You know, my mom used to make this great sort of pie thing. It was some nice rising bread she rolled out into a big circle. She would be some amazing sauce and meats and all sorts of vegetables on it and cover it with this curdled cheese. Finn, when you wake up I’ll make you a million of them. I can only imagine all the cool things I get to show you.”

What happens if Finn wakes up and doesn’t want that? Will he keep running from the First Order? Rey told him about what happened after they met up with Han, that Finn wanted to leave. Poe isn’t really sure why, but he knows that the thought of Finn leaving again makes him nervous. Finn, despite the fact he spent nearly his whole life being trained to be a bad guy, has a good head on his shoulders and the Resistance can’t afford to lose him. Not to mention that Poe feels a bit responsible for making sure he lands on his feet—his capture was the catalyst for Finn mustering the courage to be his own person. He trusted in Poe not to turn on him once he was free. That’s incredible and Poe knows that level of trust is something very special.

Poe finishes his meal and stands to take his tray and plates over to the cart that goes back to the kitchen. Wow, his legs are wobbly as hell. He places his tray on top of the other used trays of the other patients and turns around, nearly bumping into a young man, maybe around 25. He is tall with light brown hair and very dark skin. He’s from Keptar, a planet Poe has never actually been there but has met a fair number of people from. Poe notes the larger hands and the longer earlobes are devoid of tattoos, which means he probably left Keptar as a child before the traditional puberty ceremony happened. 

“Oh hey, I’m sorry,” Poe says.

The man smiles at Poe, a warm one that manages to make Poe’s body blush. “That’s alright, sir. You are Poe Dameron, yes?”

Poe nods. “That’s who I see in the mirror every morning when I wake up. I don’t recognize you, you are?” He reaches a hand out.

“Haknar Bo Zhang,” he reaches his large hand out to reciprocate a hand shake. “I’ve only been here a few weeks. I was on a freighter hauling some equipment here when the First Order intercepted. A couple of your pilots saved me and my sister, brought us here. I was only hauling to make money, I didn’t really want to join up, but when I got here they gave us both a job.”

“Put you work, there is so much to do around here we all earn our keep. We need more good people like you, Haknar,” Poe smiles back, feeling his hand warm in Haknar’s. “You working in the medical bay?”

“Kitchen, I’m here for the cart.”

Poe stands aside. “Well man, thanks for sticking with us.”

“Poe, if you need…anything…just let me know.” Haknar smiles and takes the cart, wheeling it down the hall.

He knows exactly what that tone of voice means, he’s heard it and spoke it a million times. That right there was a free fuck just waiting to happen. Rumor has it that the people of Keptar are exceptionally talented when it comes to oral. Must be the long, textured tongues. Poe thinks about it as he walks back to Finn’s bedside.

Finn is still unconscious, surprise surprise. He puts a hand on his shoulder briefly before sitting down. “I wish I knew if you were into men or women or whatever. Apparently there is a single Keptan woman here and boy…well…anyway. It’s after supper time so I’m going to get going, I’ve got a few things to take care of before I slink away to my glamorous little hole in the wall. At least it’s a private room, kinda rare around here but I guess the General likes me.” He stands up. “Goodnight, Finn.”

~

He grips the small table so hard he feels the marks starting to form in his palms. He feels Haknar push one of his big palms into his back, causing him to flatten his sweaty chest against the table. The cool metal feels nice against his nipples and he inhales sharply at the contact, letting a deep moan escape on the exhale. Haknar grunts and slams his cock into Poe even harder and faster. His whole body is spent and he feels his own come getting tacky on his stomach and thighs, having come almost embarrassingly fast. But to be fair, it had been a very, very long time since he got laid. He feels Haknar starting to get jerky in his movements and he begins to stutter in his native language and holy fucking shit he’s coming in buckets inside of him and it’s just short of ice cold and somehow that sensation is less irritating that he would expect.

Poe pants and groans, wishing he had the turn around to come again, as Haknar fills him so full he’s leaking around his cock and onto the floor below. He rides out the feeling for a good two minutes before Haknar stops and pulls out, leaving a god damned river rushing out of his ass.

“Shit,” Poe gasps. 

“Is this your first time with a Keptan?” Haknar keeps panting, throwing a towel at Poe. 

“Yeah,” Poe stands up and starts wiping himself down head to toe, “I knew about the tongue but I had no idea that you had them on your cock too.”

“I should have warned you, it would have been the polite thing to do,” Haknar replies. “We have a toilet behind that door, you’re probably not used to the amount of my…uhm…”

Poe laughs, patting a hand to Haknar’s chest. “It’s all good, man. Thanks.”

He opens the small door at the back of the room and immediately sits on the very small metal toilet. He barely fits in the room and he wonders if Haknar has to piss with the door open. Even though his ass is over-sensitive and sore, he manages to use his muscles and push as much of the come out as he can and it’s a lot. It’s still a bit cool too. It’s off-putting but not enough to never fuck a Keptan again. But chances are he won’t be screwing Haknar a second time—Poe doesn’t do second dates very often.

Once he’s finished, he wipes up and uses the very small sink with practically zero water pressure to rinse his face and wash his hands. He looks at himself in the mirror before checking his hands. They’ll bruise but no open cuts so he won’t be out of commission should he get a mission anytime in the next few days. He exits the bathroom and sees Haknar wearing pants and holding Poe’s clothes. 

“Thanks,” he says, taking his clothes and putting them on. “That was quite unexpected. Bumping into you today.”

“Hopefully it was enjoyable, no?” Haknar approaches him, standing almost close enough to kiss. “I had heard about the best pilot in the Resistance but when I heard he was here on this base, I may have tried to seek you out. Call it a bit of a celebrity crush.”

Poe buckles his pants and looks up. “I’m flattered. But, this was kinda a one-time thing.”

Haknar looks a little taken aback by the news but he recovers quickly. “It’s a small base, Poe Dameron.”

Poe pulls Haknar down for a sloppy, dirty kiss, biting his lip before parting. “Not that small.”

As he makes his through the halls to get to his own room, he starts to think about his exchange with Leia this morning. She was clearly in pain and he felt guilty for all of it. He knows why she hid the fact that her son wasn’t really dead, that he was the one they were all after. He can’t imagine the shame of organizing the Resistance that was out to kill her own son, the failure she must have felt. He can’t imagine how it would have felt to lose the man she loved as well—her estranged relationship with Han Solo wasn’t exactly a secret. Even her own brother, Luke, going into hiding and abandoning her was all too much. Poe does respect her for being able to get up in the morning and continuing to lead the Resistance. Even if it is her son, she knows he needs to be stopped. Poe wishes he only had half of the courage she does.

He gets to his private suite, quickly strips down and showers in his own private bathroom—something only about ten people on this base have and most of the residents end up using a shower room—and puts on some sleeping clothes. He makes a note to himself and tapes it to the inside of his door before turning out the lights and sliding into bed. 

‘Apologize to the General.’

That’s when he finally feels the dull ache in his back and ass. Haknar prepped him pretty good and despite his overall size his cock was a bit smaller than expected, but there is that ache nonetheless. He’ll probably be sore most of tomorrow morning. It will make sitting at Finn’s beside a little less than comfortable, but he will manage. He always manages.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated Mature.
> 
> Poe’s body may regret last night’s activities, but he doesn’t have time to rest when General Organa gives the best pilot in the Resistance a solo mission. Poe feels conflicted about leaving Finn’s bedside.

Poe is trying to avoid Haknar Bo Zhang in the cafeteria, and thankfully he isn’t serving breakfast. Must be either off or working back in the kitchen. He picks up a tray of food and two mugs of hot tea and makes his way to the table with his core pilot team without too much pain from last night. He’ll have to ask for some pain relief when he gets to the medical bay. Hopefully Shubuntu won’t ask too many questions.

“Poe!” Snap Wexley says warmly. “Missed you yesterday man.”

Poe sits and nods, realizing he blew off his co-pilots and a night of games and drinking to get fucked into a table. “I had some things to take care of. Maybe next time?”

“Let me guess,” Jessica Pava interjects, “waiting for the Stormtrooper to wake up.”

“How do you know about that?” Poe asks, taking a sip of his first mug of tea.

“Who doesn’t?” Jessica smiles. “Nobody has been able to leave D’Qar since that girl went to find Luke Skywalker, so we are all cooped up. People talk.”

“And what do they say?” Poe asks with a smirk.

“That you spend all your time in medical bay telling war stories to that kid,” Snap chimes in. 

“What? The poor kid was raised by animals, he literally has nobody in his life. He saved me, brought us the map…Rey and I are the only ones he really knows. I can’t just leave the kid on his own. Everybody needs a friend.” Poe returns to shoveling food in his mouth, wishing they would change the topic. “It was because of him that we took out Starkiller, I owe him that much.”

“Well, you have to come to the next game, Poe,” Jessica says. “I need someone to witness me taking all of Snap’s money.”

“I took it easy on you,” he retorts.

“Just confess your crush on him,” Poe laughs, knowing full-well that Jessica prefers women to men, and non-human women at that.

“I do want to crush him into dust, how did you know?” she laughs.

Snap opens his mouth to reply but instead smiles over Poe’s shoulder. “Oh hey, you want to sit down?”

Poe turns around to see Haknar standing there, holding his own tray and smiling. Oh great. “Oh, hey man.” Poe scoots over closer to Jessica, feeling his whole body tense while his inner monologue mutters ‘what the hell are you doing?’

“Thank you,” Haknar sits down on the bench. “I’ve only been here a few weeks. Everyone here is very, very friendly.”

No, this is not happening. Absolutely not happening. Not that Poe gets embarrassed, he just prefers his private life to remain that. Besides, the last time people knew that he was interested in someone, it was really embarrassing and it ended poorly. But he’s not even interested in Haknar, he just wanted one lousy night of sex. And now his one-night stand is dropping hints as to last night’s activities. He could stand up right now, say they have to go. But Poe is not a jerk, at least he doesn’t try to be.

“Haven’t I seen you in the kitchen before?” Poe asks, hoping Haknar takes the hint.

“Yes, I work the mid-day and evening meals. I have seen you in the medical bay.”

“Poe here has a crush on Stormtrooper,” teases Snap.

Yes, Poe quite obviously mentioned out loud in front of everyone that his old jacket looked good on him and did run out and hug him which isn’t exactly typical behavior but he was rooting for the kid. Still…if looks could kill, Poe would have one less Blue Squadron pilot. “The kid literally has nobody left. He needs someone in his corner.”

Haknar seems disappointed just a little, which both relieves him and makes him feel uncomfortable. “This is very noble of you.”

“That’s Poe. Not only is he one of the best pilots that ever lived, but he’s also a good person,” Snap says earnestly.

“Sometimes he’s even nice,” jokes Jessica, smiling and returning to her meal.

Poe is about to say something when Snap stands up suddenly. “General.”

“General Organa.” Both Jessica and Poe turn to see the General and stand as well, showing respect. Haknar is a bit slower to respond but he stands politely.

“Sit, please,” she nods. “Poe, can we talk?”

He grabs one of his mugs of tea and instantly follows her out of the cafeteria. “Look, General, I am so sorry for what I said, it was completely uncalled for.”

“I know,” she turns, putting a hand up to stop him. “I’m sorry. I should have told you. But we have other matters to attend to. Come with me.”

Poe follows her to the communications room, where there is a hologram map on display. “We have refugees. Citizens of the Hosnian System.”

“All the people who were not home when the First Order destroyed their planets with Starkiller,” Poe says, nearly on a whisper.

“We have to find them places to go that are safe,” she says. “We are currently trying to communicate with our other outposts, looking for any bed we can find, but there are not that many. I’m not willing to send all these innocent people into unsecured locations. They’ve been through enough.”

“Agreed. What do you need me for?”

“This system is already a target, the First Order knows we are here. Now we have been able to find enough room for thirty refugees, but it will require rationing food until we can harvest again.”

“Every person on this base will gladly do so, you know that.” Poe looks to his General. “How many refugees do we have?”

“So far, about five hundred, give or take a few.” She takes a deep breath. “So much loss.”

“What about Takodana? Won’t the First Order assume that after the attack that all the Resistance and its sympathizers have left? Hide in the last place they look.”

She nods. “I was thinking that as well. From what I saw, though, there is a lot of rebuilding that would need to be done. Sounds like our best option right now. I’ll continue communication with the refugee ships, try to coordinate them coming here…”

“What do you need me to do?”

“I knew I could count on you,” she says. “I want you to make sure Takodana is secure. It should only take a day or so to fly over and use sensors to detect any First Order presence and then a day or two for a ground search of the major settlement that was destroyed to see what kind of supplies we need to secure. I want this to be a solo mission, Poe. The less people out there, the better. I know you are the best choice for this mission.”

Poe nods. “When do you want me to leave?”

“I’ve already asked mechanics to inspect and prep your fighter as well as make sure all of your droid’s systems are in top working order, a couple of hours to make sure they have gathered enough supplies and weapons for your trip.”

“Yes, General.”

“Poe?” Leia moves in closer and grips his forearm in a warm gesture. “Please stay safe. If you don’t return in four days I will send in a party to find you. Don’t use the radio, it could give our location away. Just wait for a rescue team.”

“Understood.” He smiles back. “Thank you for accepting my apology, you didn’t have to.”

“You are practically family, Poe.” Leia lets him go. “It’s always forgiven.”

~

It isn’t until he’s practically jogged to the medical bay that Poe realizes how sore he is and how much this mission is going to suck—spending a day sitting on his ass after last night? He couldn’t exactly opt out though. General, I cannot take this mission. I took a pounding from a Keptan last night and my ass is all fucked out. Sure, he could say that with a straight face. Sure as hell can barely think it with a straight face.

“Poe, are you okay?” Shubuntu asks. “You are limping.”

Poe looks up at her when he notices Haknar across the bay, wheeling the meal cart in. He knows he’s blushing just a little. “I uhm, I pulled something last night,” he lies, sitting down next to Finn’s bed. 

“The General has me putting together a medical kit for your mission,” she states, coming towards him with a syringe. “I’m going to give you some pain relief. If this doesn’t help I’m telling her you can’t go.”

“I’m fine, really,” Poe says, accepting the shot. In comparison to the ache, he doesn’t even feel the needle. “I’ve worked with worse.”

“Still. I’ll go finish packing your kit. Came here to say goodbye?”

He nods. “Listen, if Finn wakes up before I come back, take care of him? Tell him I’m coming back. He doesn’t have any family, no other friends besides me and Rey…I would hate for him to be alone.”

“I’ll take care of him for you,” she answers before leaving.

Poe turns to face Finn. “Finn, buddy. I’m going to leave for a few days. The General has me scoping out Takodana for some refugees from the Hosnian System. Listen, as much as I want you to wake up, I’d be happier if you waited until I was here. That way you won’t be alone.” Poe takes Finn’s hand. “I know what it’s like to wake up alone.”

Finn’s skin feels warm and soft under his. He starts to wonder if Finn can remember his mother holding his hand when he was born. Just how soon after he was born did the First Order take him? Did he remember her before they did whatever brainwashing they have to do to raise children to be killers? Does Finn have any memory at all of anyone touching him with care? Poe gently rubs his thumb over Finn’s hand. It feels nice, comforting. There’s something building in his chest, something that he hasn’t felt in a long time. He doesn’t like it, but he doesn’t want it to stop. Poe is overwhelmed with this tightness and pull in his chest, it feels like guilt. Even thinking about leaving Finn here alone hurts. 

It’s the pain that scares him. So he lets go of Finn’s hand.

Poe reaches under Finn’s bed and pulls out the jacket, the same one he gave to Finn when they met again on D’Qar, and lays it next to him. Poe remembers realizing he lost the jacket during the crash on Jakku and how he had gone back to get it, finding the TIE fighter had been swallowed up by the sand and how sick it made him that he lost it. He finds some paper and a pen on the stand next to Finn’s bed and scrawls a note saying that he’s on a mission and is coming back and not to worry, and tucks it in the front pocket of the jacket. “In case you wake up before I get back. I’m coming back, I promise. I’m not going to leave you alone.”

Poe doesn’t like the feeling from his chest shifting down into his gut as he takes the medical kit from Shubuntu and leaves the medical bay. As he walks down the hall and towards the hangar, he swears he can still feel Finn’s warmth on his palm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there are a few reasons why Poe seems to acknowledge that he *might* have a crush on Finn, it will be explained. Remember, this is slow burn. BB-8 will be in the next chapter, more backstory on Poe’s relationship with Leia. I'm still trying to get to Poe's personality, I think as I flesh out his backstory I've thought up he will come through.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, comments are well appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and BB-8 head off to Takonada on scouting mission to house the Hosnian Refugees, but it does not go without a hitch.

Poe nearly jumped out of his fighter before it landed. His ass was sore and his legs felt like they were rusted in place. When he finally did crawl out of his fighter he moaned so loudly that BB-8 cocked his little round head and beeped at him.

He laughed. “Trust me, its amazing 8. If they ever figure out a way to give droids physical sensations, I highly suggest it.”

BB-8 beeps and rolls off at a slow pace. “Alright, alright I know you want to get back. Let me grab a pack and we’ll go check the place out. It’s getting dark though, probably will have to stay the night.”

Poe grabs a pack and makes sure it has food, water, medkit and a blaster before covering his fighter with a camouflage net and heading towards the woods surrounding the wreckage of Maz’s Castle. He’s never actually been here before, on the ground, but he heard tales about how one could buy anything, or anyone, at Maz’s bar and inn. The idea of running around planets, parking his ass in a different port of call every night, smuggling weapons or goods sounds very adventurous. Imagine the people one could meet, living a life like that. He likes the idea of it, but not the risk. He promised himself a very long time ago only to devote himself to righteous causes. So far, being a Resistance pilot has been quite the exciting adventure.

“Alright 8, let’s check the forest perimeter tonight and set up camp. It’s safer to stay away from the castle overnight, more places to run and hide.”

BB-8 beeps and begins rolling ahead, chittering for Poe to catch up and asking him about the castle. “I’m not sure you’ll be able to navigate down there with me, buddy. It might be best for you to stay topside and look out for me.”

BB-8 gets mad at the idea of being alone and reminds him of the last time he was left alone.

“8 you know why I had to do that, I had to protect you. I didn’t let anything bad happen to you. You saved us, man. You found Finn.”

BB-8 stops, turns around and beeps angrily, then softens his tone. “Yeah, I know 8. I would have thought he killed me for the jacket too. It’s a sweet jacket.”

BB-8 seems to laugh as Poe walks right by him, taking the lead down the trail.

“I’m glad you found him, though. And my jacket.”

BB-8 laughs and cat-calls.

“So you have a thing for Finn?” Poe asks, turning around to make sure the droid is following.

That’s when he loses his footing and feels the earth disappear from under him.

~

Poe feels the pain before he opens his eyes. His chest feels sore, like after one gets the wind knocked out of them. His left leg feels like an odd mix of tingling and sharp, throbbing pain and he feels that sadly familiar sensation of dried blood on his face. When he finally does open his eyes he is surprised to see it’s dark. BB-8 is right next to him, staring down at him, extending his lighter to illumine the small area around them. 

“BB-8, what?” Poe attempts to sit up but feels a horrible shooting pain in his back. He landed on his pack. “What happened?”

BB-8 tells him in a series of worried beeps and boops that he walked off the trail and stumbled down a ravine. The fall knocked him out and he’s been that way for about four hours. As far as BB-8 can tell he hurt his leg and face in the fall.

Poe reaches a hand out and pats BB-8. “Thanks for staying with me. And for not using the radio.”

The droid angrily tells him that he wants to, but knows Poe won’t let him compromise the mission.

“Listen, I gotta roll over and get my pack off, there’s a medkit in there. I’m hurt, it’s gonna hurt like a son of a gun and I’m gonna scream and no, not like the one time you learned about hide-and-seek from those kids on base and hid in my closet all day. Although I will probably wet my pants before this all over.” Poe tries to smile at BB-8’s forced laughter.  
Poe counts to three in his head before rolling onto his side, screaming as loud as he can into the darkness. He doesn’t have a broken back—and he’s broken it before—but he can tell the muscles in his torso tensed up something fierce during that fall and it’s gonna take weeks before they settle again. His leg, however, did not appreciate the shift. Once he’s on his side he feels the wetness of blood pooling under his pant leg and pictures the yellow bone poking through the skin. 

Suddenly the pain is his ass isn’t so bad.

He manages to wiggle out of the pack and find his water, swallowing half of the canteen down in one gulp before pulling out his medkit. “8 I need help. You gotta cut my pant leg so I can patch myself up.”

BB-8 complies as Poe digs thru the kit. He finds that Shubuntu packed him some of the stronger pain meds she had left, some adrenaline, enough gauze to wrap the X-wing up like a mummy, antibiotics and a suture kit. First he reaches up to his face, feeling a deep cut on his cheek. “B, how bad is it? I’m I still hot?”

B uses his eye to take a picture and project it in the air for Poe to see. He doesn’t think he can stitch his face by himself, so instead he wets some guaze and cleans it out, hissing through the pain. BB-8 snickers and mentions that Haknar would probably still have a date with him.

“How the hell do you know about that?” Poe defends, maneuvering himself around so he can stab the antibiotics into his other bicep. BB sarcastically mentions how he has known Poe long enough to tell that look he gets after a night and how he noticed that alien was looking at him funny when BB ran into them in the hall just outside the medical bay. It’s times like these when Poe realizes that BB-8 is more like a co-pilot than a dog and it makes him laugh.

“Alright. I’m gonna check my leg before I take the pain meds in case they knock me out.” Poe forces himself to sit up, begging his back muscles to relax. It hurts, but he’ll be fine. It’s just physical pain and physical pain passes. 

Poe parts the cut pants leg to reveal just what he thought—a compound fracture. The bone is only just poking through the skin. He steels his gut and makes quick work of cleaning the wound and applying a compress to slow the bleeding, the pain making him nearly throw up. He reaches around him and finds two sticks and quickly fashions a splint around his calf. He reaches into the medkit and grabs one of the syringes. “8, I’m gonna shoot this and set my friggin’ leg. I’ll pass out. I need you to keep watch since I probably won’t wake until morning. I need you to make sure I wake up when the sun comes out, okay? If I don’t wake up, don’t…”

He was about to say ‘don’t call the base.’ But what if he dies out here? What if Finn wakes up and learns that Poe really did leave him. “If I don’t wake up, go back to the fighter. A rescue team will come in 2 more days. Wait for them there and show them my location. Got it?”

BB-8 doesn’t protest even though he knows he wants to.

Poe quickly injects a syringe of pain medication and tosses it to the side, instantly reaching down and pushing on the two parts of his shin to force the bones together. The last thing he hears is the sound of his scream bouncing off the trees around him.

~

It smells so nice in the garden. The sun is shining bright, but it’s not hot because there is a steady breeze just strong enough for what he wants to do. It’s the perfect day to play outside with his new X-Wing kite. He and his mother spent hours painting it, with his father chiming in so that they got the colors just right. It was the best present he ever got from his family. Mommy said it was his first ship and he had to take care of it, learn how to fly it all by himself. Finally it was windy outside, so he could do just that.

He lets out some line from the stick and rests the fighter on the ground. He knows he has to run as fast as he can or it won’t fly at all and what good is a fighter that won’t fly? He turns around, pushing his curly hair out of his face, and takes off. He trails his string behind him, raising his arm just high enough that he feels the pull of his fighter taking off.

“I’M A PILOT I’M A PILOT!” He yells, turning around. There it is! His fighter is flying so high! It’s so high over him! He stops to stare for a minute at his very own fighter. He is a pilot! But the longer he watches, the lower it flies. Oh no, he has to run! He starts to run, not taking his eyes off his ship.

That’s when he runs face-first into a short tree. He falls, clutching his hurt cheek. It hurts so bad! But he’s a big boy, he’s a pilot now…oh no, his fighter! He turns around and looks up into the stupid tree and there is his kite, stuck in the branches and torn.

Poe starts to cry.

“Poe?” A beautiful woman wearing a light blue dress runs towards him and kneels in front of him, holding his cheek. “Poe, darling, it’s a small cut. You’ll be just fine.”

“But…” Poe tries to speak on shaky breath. “My fighter! I crashed my very first ship on my very first flight! I’m the worst pilot in the galaxy!”

The woman wraps her arms around him. “Every pilot crashes at some point. Even me and daddy, we’ve crashed a lot.”

“I crashed the ship YOU gave me,” Poe squeezes his Mommy back. Mommy and Daddy were gone since he was just a baby and he barely remembered them. Gramma would tell him stories about all the adventures they were having and he missed them so much. They came home a few weeks ago and they brought him THIS kite. And he crashed it.

“My sweet boy,” the woman says softly, laced with sadness. “I will always help you fix your ship.”

“Really?” He asks.

“Really,” she stands up and reaches into the tree for the kite. The tree is shorter than his mommy so she easily takes the kite down.

“Stupid tree,” Poe says, kicking its skinny trunk.

“Oh honey, this is a very special tree. It is a very special tree from a very special person. Mommy and Daddy’s friend, a Jedi, gave us this tree. It has great meaning. Some even say it can feel the Force.”

“Is it a Jedi too?” Poe asks, suddenly feeling bad for hurting it. “I’m sorry, Mr. Jedi Tree.”

“Not really,” she smiles, ruffling his hair. “But it’s a very special tree. You must take care of it.”

“Mom, I’m six years old now, I can do it. I’m almost all grown up!”

She stands, laughing. “Yes you are, Poe. Yes you are. Now let’s go clean up your cut and then see our resident fighter mechanic, Mr. Kes Dameron. He’ll help us fix your kite.”

“It’s a fighter!”

“Right, a fighter.”

~

Poe wakes up to the melodic beeps of his friend, BB-8. The morning light has just started peeking through the leaves of the trees. He’s starting to feel the pain in his leg and face now that he’s conscious. “I’m up, I’m up.”

Poe shifts his body enough to reduce the stiffness on his side and reaches into his pack. He polishes off his first canteen and pulls out the second, knowing he will need to ration for three more days at least, unless Leia panics and sends a search party sooner. She probably will. Poe digs further for some food and pulls out a few meal bars. He only packed for a few hours of hiking, so most of his supplies are still on his fighter. He removes half a bar from his back and eats it, quickly stashing the rest to last for a few more meals. He also takes stock of what is left. Three more shots of pain medicine and only one more shot of antibiotic. Shubuntu must have given him enough pain medicine to compensate for his pulled muscle.

“Ah 8, why did I have sex with that Keptan?” He lays back and rolls his eyes, blocking out the sun. “I mean, yeah, I was bored and it had been forever but…it just feels like it was a bad idea. I gotta either fully commit or cut it off altogether. That’s it, no more one-nighters. No dating. I’ve got to commit to the Resistance, I don’t have time to slow myself down with attachment. I gotta go this war stag.”

BB-8 chuckles and reminds Poe that he better stop making eyes at Finn.

“What the hell is wrong with you, did you fall down the ravine too? Nah, I mean Finn just needs someone right now. I know what that’s like.”

His friend begs him to elaborate, but Poe shakes his head. “From what Rey told me, Finn’s inside knowledge of Starkiller is what made it so that we could take that sucker down. He’s too valuable to the Resistance to lose.” BB-8 gives him a series of sarcastic ‘oh sure’ bleeps.

“Fine, I think he’s attractive. Okay? Are you happy now? I saw him on that base with you and I don’t know what. I’m allowed to look aren’t I?”

BB-8 sighs dramatically and projects hologram hearts above his head before Poe throws a twig at him.

As the morning passes, he half-heartedly listens to BB-8’s stories, all of which he’s heard before. He looks up into the sky and thinks about his dream—which wasn’t a dream it was just his own memory. Pain medication seems to give him the most vivid memories. He thinks about his mother and how sweet she was. He thinks about after she died, only two years after his first ‘flight’ with his kite, and how his father was never the same. Poe remembers selling their home and leaving the tree behind. Is the tree still there, blooming and shading the yard? Does the family that lives there now know how Luke Skywalker gave his mother than tree as a show of gratitude for all she did to help Leia? Did that little sapling really feel the Force after all? Maybe someday he will take Finn to Yavin-4 and ask to show him that tree. He could tell Finn all about his very first flight as a pilot and how he failed miserably. Finn would laugh and smile, probably pat him on the shoulder.

After the sun hits the highest point in the sky, BB-8 powers down to conserve his energy for a few hours. Poe tries to get comfortable and take stock of his surroundings. He landed in dirt which is less than ideal, but at least he didn’t end up in a patch of Itchy Kuchka. The slope he fell down is easily thirty feet so there is no way he’s going to get back on the trail. He looks to see the path of broken branches and disturbed earth that map out his fall. That’s when he sees a small tree, maybe five feet tall and only a few inches in diameter, with a bent branch. The light glimmers off a bit of blood on the end of the branch. Must have been what cut his face. 

“Stupid tree,” he mutters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, there is some Poe backstory, more rationale behind his actions. As the readers, you, start to learn more about his backstory, it will become clear why his hook-up in chapter 1 bothers him and why, even though all his friends clearly think he likes Finn, he is brushing it off rather than outright resistant.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe is still badly injured, but he’s doing what he does: completing his mission. He’s worried about the mission, and Finn being alone, when he should be worried about himself. After nearly killing himself in an effort to get back to his fighter, he lapses into another drug-induced “dream”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: DubCon/NonCon

It’s been the most boring day of his life. Poe lies there, shifting his body every hour and kicking his good leg to keep it from cramping. He tries to bend his broken leg at the knee to keep the circulation up, making sure to inject just a quarter of a syringe each time. It’s enough to take the edge off the pain but it doesn’t make him pass out. It doesn’t bring back the past like the last shot he took. He listens to BB-8 tell stories or just talk about his adventure on Jakku. The way 8 talks about Rey’s kindness and Finn’s protectiveness is almost reverent. Pretty advanced emoting from a BB unit. 

“I need to get back,” Poe sits up. “We aren’t that far from where we landed, right? If I can just get to the path we can make it.”

The droid yells at him and begs to call in a rescue, but Poe doesn’t indulge him. “I can make it. It’s a steady enough incline and I can get to the X-Wing by nightfall. I can do it, 8.”

As Poe begins to pack his medkit and rations back up, BB-8 spins circles around him angrily, telling him how stupid he is. So maybe he is, but the sooner he can get back to D’Qar the sooner he can get his leg fixed and the sooner he can be there when Finn wakes up. He wonders if he could talk Shubuntu into putting their beds next to each other in the medical bay. He smiles to himself at the thought and examines what he has left. One shot of antibiotics, which he swiftly injects. He has two syringes left of pain medication. He could take half of one now to numb his leg a bit. It will probably take about an hour to get to the top, so he may need the second half. Then he’ll take another half and crawl his way to the X-wing and make it back to base. Once he’s in his fighter, he can make it. He’s flown in worse shape more than once. He checks his watch so he can judge the time. Poe takes half a shot of pain medication, packs up the rest of his kit and slings it on his back. 

He rolls over onto his stomach and his leg instantly protests, but he bites his lip and starts moving, arm over arm. BB-8 tells him that he’s being stupid and he should stop and wait, but Poe keeps going. Each inch his muscles move takes days and the pain manages to seep into every cell in his body. His friggin’ hair even hurts. He stops, allowing himself to finally call out in pain, and lays down. A few deep breaths, he tells himself. He will make it back to the base and they will fix his leg and he’ll be fine, but he won’t forgive himself for letting Finn down. He reaches around and finds a thick but short stick and puts it between his teeth to bite down on. The way he has to scrunch up his cheek to make it work hurts, but sinking his teeth into the wood helps. He won’t have enough pain medication to make it up the ravine if it takes this long, and this isn’t even the steeper part.

Poe keeps going. After another ten feet his arms start to shake and refuse to pull his body up the incline. He screams into the stick and keeps trying, but they are weak from pain and lack of food and overall exhaustion. He has to rest. He finally reaches into the pack and grabs the pain medication, taking half a syringe, and eating an entire meal bar. He rolls onto his back, his entire body shaking just enough to make his chest tighten in fear. What if he pushes himself too far and it becomes a recovery mission instead of a rescue mission? Nobody on the base can afford another loss, especially Leia and Finn. Poe can’t either, but he’ll be dead and he won’t know anyway. Maybe that’s okay, not knowing. He thinks about the pain medication, he has enough left to help ease the pain for about a day and as many as two days left before the earliest possible rescue could arrive. 

That’s when he sees BB-8 at the top of the ravine, looking down and waiting for him. Encouraging him. He’s not alone here, he has someone here when he wakes up. So he puts the stick back in his mouth, rolls over and begins to put one arm in front of the other. 

It’s dark by the time Poe finally makes it to the stop. He wipes the blood from the cut on his face out of his eyes and he can feel the wound on his leg had opened. He manages to roll onto his back and grab his pack. BB-8 lights up his leg and that’s when Poe realizes what a stupid move he just made. Not only is the cut from where the bone broke through bleeding, but the bone itself is poking through again. 

“I broke my broken leg,” he gasps, trying to ease BB-8 and hide as much pain as he can. “Well shit.”

Poe splashes what little water he has left over the leg and removes the split. He pulls out fresh gauze and wraps the wound, trying to push the white light of pain out of his eyes with each touch. He puts the splint on his leg again before taking his last full shot of pain medication. He feels tears stream down his cheeks and sting his cuts along with sweat as he pushes the bones in his leg back together.

~

He watched his father punch a hole in the wall. Other grown-ups surrounded him and tried to hold him back, but he punched a hole in the wall. Now his dad was in a bed at the medical facility so the doctors could fix his hand. They can fix his hand but they couldn’t fix his mom.

Gramma comes to take him back to the house. She tries to hug him and kiss him but it doesn’t make him feel better. All the hugs and kisses won’t bring his mom back. She’s dead and gone forever.

Poe waits until his Gramma goes into the kitchen to make him some dinner and then he punches the wall just like his dad. The pain shoots up through his wrist and arm and his fingers feel like they are being torn off. That’s when he starts to cry.

~

“Come on, it won’t hurt,” Gregory whispers. “I can’t believe you are 20 and never been fucked. It’s so good.”

Poe slightly pushes his boyfriend away. “I…I’m not ready.”

“Sure you are,” he laughs, grabbing Poe’s jacket by the shoulders and pulling him closer. “You are so fucking fine, Poe Dameron.”

He doesn’t like that. It’s been three years since he’s had his full name whispered in his ear the right way by the right person and this time it makes him want to kick Gregory’s ass and run as far away as he can. But instead he meets Gregory’s lips and lets his tongue inside of his mouth. Gregory slides his jacket off his shoulders and quickly pulls his shirt up over his head. Poe feels so cold and exposed, even in the warm light of his bedroom where nobody else can see. Gregory has always been pushy. When he came here a few months ago he latched onto Poe and worked him until Poe went on a date with him just to end the constant nagging and teasing.

He really does not want his first time to be with Gregory, but he might as well just let this happen. It’s just sex, it can’t be that bad. Everyone has to do it. People have sex all the time without loving the other person, it’s called a one-night stand. He could just let Gregory fuck him and be done with it. Besides, his cock is hard, so he wants it. Right? 

~

Poe wakes up strapped to a chair. Or is it a table? He’s partially standing either way and it’s effectively unsettling. The metal cuffs are tight against his wrists and the room is so sterile and clean that he wonders how many Stormtroopers are assigned with the sole task of spit-polishing the walls on these ships. He can feel his face bleed, the sweat stinging his eyes, and his lower back ache from the awkward position his body is in. 

Kylo Ren steps into the room.

The pain from Kylo searching his mind makes him want to crawl out of his skin, so he screams. He screams in pain and frustration that he can’t stop it. He can’t manage to pull a quip from his lips like he did back on Jakku. All he can feel is his head being squeezed into itself from the inside and this horrible feeling of violation as Kylo punches his Force through until he finds the right memories. Poe knows if he stops fighting it will hurt less—he’ll get what he wants and probably kill him—but Poe Dameron didn’t get where he is today by giving up because somebody punched him hard enough. But in the end, all the screaming and fighting back doesn’t stop him from getting what he wants.

After Kylo Ren learns about the droid and leaves the room, Poe throws up all over that shiny, pristine floor.

~

“STOP RUNNING!” 

Poe stops suddenly and looks up at the woman, carrying a handful of blankets and linens. “Yes m’am.”

“Poe, you don’t have to call me that.” She sets the blankets down on the table next to her and turns to face him. “You can call me...”

“POE I FOUND YOU!”

Poe turns around to see his friend running towards him. Poe puts his arms out to keep him from running into him. His friend is only five and he doesn’t know lots of things. For some reason, the kid has been following Poe around ever since he and his dad moved to the city after mom died. The kid looks up to him and usually listens and does whatever Poe says. He thinks the kid will stop, but instead he crashes right into him. Poe falls and lands on his right arm. The pain sparks through his arm and he screams and cries out.  
He looks up at his friend, who looks scared. His friend’s eyes are filling up with tears. He’s just a little kid. So Poe takes a deep breath and stops crying. It hurts so bad, but he won’t cry in front of his friend. The woman picks up Poe and walks him through the halls and to a medical station, where several droids begin to lay him on a table and scan his arm. She sits across the room with the little boy in her lap, waiting and worried.

“He’s so brave, mommy,” says Poe’s friend.

~

Beeps. Lights. Shouting. 

Sharp stabs to his bicep.

Moving.

Dark.

~

Gregory didn’t use any sort of lubricant or even use his fingers first, not like Poe does when he’s playing with himself alone. And it hurt. It hurt so bad. Poe did cry this time, letting his tears soak into his pillow. He cried when Gregory came and yanked himself out, bitching about his dick being covered in blood and how he forgot about ‘that shit when he pops a cherry.’ He cried when Gregory slapped his butt and put on his clothes, leaving quickly and quietly. He cried when he tried to stand up and pull on his robe so he could go to the bathroom.

He uses an arm to prop himself against the wall of the shower, watching a small amount of red mix with the water and going down the drain. His ass hurts like fire and his lower back is sore from all the tensing. He can’t believe he let Gregory do that, he knew the whole time that it wasn’t what he really wanted and that he totally did it wrong. Maybe Poe wants to be with girls. He’s be so gentle with girls, so soft and sweet. He would use lubricant and his fingers, even though they have totally different anatomy. 

Poe slides down to the floor of the shower and lays on his side, hurting too much to stand. The advantage of living on the base is that there is always hot water. The advantage of being his father’s son is that he gets a private room and shower. He thinks he’ll just lay here in the water until the pain goes away and he can stand up and go to bed. 

~

He opens his eyes to see nothing but a wall of grey smoke. He hears his name. His helmet blocks out most of the noise, but there is a distinct whoosh of flames. His co-pilot. That’s who is calling his name. He reaches down to unbuckle his straps when he feels it. There’s a hunk of metal sticking out of his stomach. Funny, how it doesn’t hurt until he knows it’s there. He feels the heat from the fire and his co-pilot is screaming.

Poe reaches down and pulls the metal out of his stomach. The last sound he hears before passing out is the metal clanging to the floor of his fighter.

~

He feels warm. He feels dry and soft and there is no pain. Could be a sign of infection. He’s going to die on Takodana. He’s going to let everyone down. His hand feels warm and it’s bright. Must be morning. Poe slowly opens his eyes. He’s not outside, he’s in the medical bay. He’d know that ceiling anywhere. He’s back on base. He’s stared at this ceiling a lot since Finn got back from Starkiller. Finn.

Poe looks to his side and sees Finn seated in a chair next to him. He’s wearing a white medical gown, same as when Poe left, but he put the jacket on over it. Finn must have woken up from his coma while Poe was gone. He notices Finn’s arm is reaching towards him. That’s why his hand his warm, Finn is holding his hand in his sleep. 

He squeezes Finn’s hand, just gently enough so he doesn’t wake him. “Hey, buddy.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe wakes up to find Finn already awake and at his side. He feels guilty for leaving, for failing his mission, and for not being there when Finn woke up.

“Hey, buddy.”

Poe smiles at his sleeping friend, feeling so relieved to be back and to be alive. Of all the times he’s gotten himself hurt, that one was the most terrifying. He didn’t like being stuck out there and failing his mission. He put whoever rescued him in danger, he put the future home of the refugees in danger. He feels so stupid and a little nauseous. Okay, maybe a lot nauseous. It hits him so fast that he doesn’t even register it’s happening until he’s bent over the bed, throwing up water and bile on Finn’s slippers.

“Poe, Poe!” Finn wakes up like a shot, not caring about being covered in vomit, and leans over to pat his back. “SHUBUNTU! It’s okay man, you’re back on the base. You’re going to be fine.”

Finn’s pats his back gently until Poe’s stomach stops spinning. He lies down and Shubuntu is there with some water, which he drinks greedily. “Nice to see you back with us, Poe.”

“Who?” Poe attempts to ask.

“Snap and Jessica were sent to get you after you had been gone for three days,” she replies, scanning his leg. “BB-8 said you fell down a ravine.”

He nods. “Broke my leg.”

“Among other things,” she says. “You had a ten-inch shard of wood lodged in your calf, you broke both bones in your leg, had a nasty gash on the side of your face and a sprained ankle.”

“Lucky for you, a refugee ship arrived the day after you left, brought all sorts of extra equipment,” Finn smiles. “Shubuntu here was able to give me a few ultra-cellular treatments and wake me up four days ago. ”

“Your spine itself wasn’t broken, but you still have weeks of rehabilitation, if not longer,” she cautions. “You too, Poe. I was able to set the bones in your leg, and I gave you a treatment on the bones too, but I can’t do any more. We are rationing our equipment use now that we have so many more people on base. This equipment is old and it might not last much longer.”

“I’m fine, really. A few weeks and I’ll be good as new.”

“Finn, you should be in bed,” Shubuntu chastises. “You’ve been in that chair for several hours and your back isn’t anywhere near being able to withstand that. I’ll have a nurse bring you some new slippers and a clean gown.”

“I am so sorry, Finn,” Poe says. “I just like you so much I had to puke all over you to mark you as mine.”

Finn laughs. “At least it didn’t get on the jacket.”

The nurse arrives and Finn moves to the bed next to Poe’s. She pulls the sheet between the beds so that Finn can change. After a few long minutes, the nurse pushes the curtain back and reveals Finn lying in his bed, wearing a clean white gown with the jacket on his lap. It’s only now that Poe can see the pain on Finn’s face, which is also covered with a thin sheen of sweat. He fears that throwing up on Finn may have caused him to physically react in a way he wasn’t prepared for. Poe is suddenly very aware of Finn’s hand missing over his. It’s for the best, really. 

“I got your note,” Finn says softly, pulling it from the front pocket. “When I woke up, I saw the jacket next to me with the note sticking out.”

“I just didn’t want you to think I ditched you.”

“Thanks, I mean…back with the First Order we just left troopers behind.”

Poe sighs, remembering just how much of life he takes for granted that Finn doesn’t even know about. “Did anyone fill you in on Rey?”

“Yeah, she’s with Chewbacca and R2D2 to find Luke Skywalker. General Organa said that she managed to fight Kylo Ren just long enough for Chewbacca to get us both off Starkiller before it imploded. I hope she’s okay.” He sounds worried.

“Of course she is. Chewie will take care of her.” Poe smiles. “He knows a thing or two about fighting.”

“How long have you known the General?” Finn asks.

“Long enough,” Poe replies. He doesn’t like to think or talk about too far back in his life. His history complicates things. “I flew with the Republic as a co-pilot when I was 18, and I used to fly trade routine missions, making sure freighters didn’t get robbed. I got involved with the Resistance not too long after that.”

“She came to visit you every day,” Finn replies. “She would sit in that chair and hold your hand. That’s when she told me about Rey. Sometimes, when I was trying to fall asleep, she kept saying she was sorry.”

“How long was I out of it?” Poe needs to deflect from what he assumes are going to be more questions about his relationship with Leia.

“Three days. I have been up for four. Snap and Jessica have come to visit at least once a day, mostly telling me stories about their missions and bringing me things to read. General Organa came here yesterday and asked me more questions about the First Order until Shubuntu kicked her out. The General was very upset with me, I think. I don’t know what I’ll do if she makes me leave.”

“Listen, I won’t let her kick you off the base,” Poe says, turning onto his side to face Finn. “You are too valuable to us. I think Han’s death is really hard for her. It wasn’t you.”

Finn closes his eyes. “Thank you.”

“Of course, buddy.”

“No, I really mean it. Thank you for everything. And thank you for waking up.”

Poe manages to betray every thought in his head and smile just about as big as he can at his friend.

~

“What are you afraid of now?” Poe asks his father as they clean the tools behind the house.

“That it was all for nothing,” his father says, continuing to shine tools and place them back in the box.

“The Empire is gone, though.” 

“So is your mother. So are lot of other mothers and fathers. Sons and daughters. Sisters and brothers.” Kes Dameron stops cleaning and sits down.

“Dad, the Empire didn’t kill mom, she got sick.”

“Listen to me, son,” he holds his hands out and Poe crawls onto his father’s lap. “We are nothing without each other. Each life is worth something, each life is worth fighting for. We left you with your Gramma because we knew you would be safe, but so many others would not be. We had to take our talents and save others. Always think about what you can do for others, for the betterment of the galaxy.”

“You didn’t miss me?”

His father tightens his hug. “Of course we did. But we couldn’t come home knowing that we didn’t make the galaxy a better place for you to grow up. Our lives mean nothing if there isn’t anything worth living for.”

~

The next time he wakes up, Leia is at his bedside, smiling. He frowns. “I failed the mission.”

“You’re alive,” she replies, patting his arm. “If I would have known…”

“I got distracted and tripped, I put the mission at risk.”

“Stop it, Poe. Turns out Blue Squadron was able to finish the recon and get you home. I don’t know why I was so conservative in just sending you. I’m just glad I didn’t lose you, too.” 

“Finn said something about refugees?” Poe sits up, his ankle and leg still in considerable pain.

“Yes, a lot more than the 30 we said we could take. Shubuntu is planning on releasing you both from medical bay tomorrow, provided that you are both off any work detail and return for your daily treatments and rehabilitations. She needs the beds. I’m going to have to have you share your room.”

“Anything,” Poe says.

“I’ve taken the liberty of moving a set of bunk beds into your room so you can share with Snap and Finn.”

“Finn?” 

“Poe, you seem to know him the best out of anyone. I need my best pilot to be able to trust our best source of intelligence into the First Order. Besides, when I was talking to him the past few days I get the sense that he needs a friend. He demanded his bed be moved next to yours so you weren’t alone when you woke up.”

“He needs to make other friends, meet other people. I need to focus on my missions. With the First Order scattered and Kylo Ren…”

Leia puts up her hand, clearly refusing to listen to anything more about her son. “Look, he could be valuable to the Resistance. You could train him to fly. Show him what we are fighting for. I can sense great potential in him. The same I sensed in you all those years ago.” She stands up. “Now this is the last time you are allowed to break any bones. I’ve sat at your beside one too many times.”

“Yes m’am.”

Leia pats his arm one more time before she leaves. Poe turns to look at Finn, who is still asleep. The bones in his back may be healed, but the muscle and tissue is still weak and his body will need more sleep. Poe knows from experience that sleep helps. He’s sure that Shubuntu gave him pain medication after spending so much time in the chair waiting for Poe to wake up. Someone cared enough to put themselves in pain for him. He’s not used to that. He doesn’t want to like that warm feeling that flows through his chest thinking about it because he can’t afford to lose anyone else he cares about. He is done losing.

Poe lays back down and tries to stretch his good leg but kicking it in the air a bit. The tough part about being bedridden is how tight and cramped your body gets. He’s awake later when Snap and Jessica visit, talking softly so they don’t wake up Finn. Snap apparently already moved in to his room and dibs top bunk, letting Poe keep his bed and Finn have the bottom bunk because of his back. Jessica asks if she can get Finn’s jacket later, because she wants to repair the big lightsaber cut in the back. Poe smiles and says she’d have to ask Finn.

When it’s time for dinner, Poe feels like his stomach can handle it. Hacknar delivers his meal, saying simple greetings and well wishes, but still it makes Poe feel bad. Maybe bad isn’t it. Guilty? Ashamed? It wasn’t like Poe didn’t occasionally fuck someone on a base or during a stopover somewhere. Hell, before Kylo Ren showed up Poe was pretty sure about traveling to the other side of Jakku to find someone to sleep with for the night. He wasn’t chaste, and it wasn’t his first time. Maybe he should have topped, who knows? He’s never really been that into being the top, for some reason he’s preferred being filled. 

He looks over at his sleeping friend and is suddenly wildly curious. Has he had a first time? If so, was it as miserable and disgusting as his? It’s not like that really matters, Poe considers. He finishes his meal and really wishes he could get up and go for a walk, try to get working on something so he can forget everything swirling around in his head. Shubuntu banned him from working, and he’s sure Leia would soon as shove him off a freighter above Naboo than allow him to work while he’s still injured. She’s always been so protective of him, even though she sends him into danger all the time. 

Poe lies back down and closes his eyes, thinking back to the dreams he had while he was knocked out on Takodana. Yeah, he’s been hurt a lot. He’s also survived a lot. He’s made it past the broken hand, the broken arm, losing his virginity…all of it with his body intact. He has flown so many successful missions and saved so many lives that it almost feels stupid to wallow in his own pain. 

He can still hear his father’s voice. ‘We are nothing without each other. Each life is worth something, each life is worth fighting for. We left you with your Gramma because we knew you would be safe, but so many others would not be. We had to take our talents and save others. Always think about what you can do for others, for the betterment of the galaxy.’  
At times like these, when Poe is stuck with his own thoughts, it’s hard to feel that way. Then the guilt makes him feel even worse and unworthy, like who the hell is he that he deserves anything? Why can’t the people who actually deserve a better place go fight for it themselves?

Like Finn, sleeping soundly in the bed next to his. This kid who never had a chance, raised by animals and forced to grease the cogs in a machine that most likely killed his entire family. This kid who took a chance on Poe, who saw something in Poe and trusted that. He remembers the moment Finn dragged him into that small hole in the corridor and took of his Stormtrooper helmet, claiming he was rescuing him. He remembers the feeling in his chest go from pain and fear and dread to excitement and hope and warmth. He thinks about Finn’s name. The guy never even had a name until Poe decided he wasn’t going to use that stupid trooper designation. He looks over at Finn again, who is still sleeping. His face is so calm, his skin is so warm and soothing…

No. Stop. Just the medication and injury making him feel all emotional.

As he’s settling in for the evening, he sees Shubuntu come around to check on her patients. He nods at her so as not to wake Finn and she comes over. “Are you alright, Poe?”

“Do you know anybody who could repair Finn’s jacket? The lightsaber causes some heavy damage and I think it would be nice to get it fixed for him.”

“I do know someone who could patch it. Probably fix the burn in the shoulder too. It will look patched, not like it was…”

“That’s more than enough. I think it’s the only thing he owns,” Poe says, yawning. 

“Your jacket,” Shubuntu gently takes it from Finn. “You give so much, Poe, it’s time to let someone else give to you. Get some sleep.”

Poe feels a little nauseous again at the thought of being cared for as he closes his eyes to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The medical equipment being used in this story is akin to an ultrasound type of machine that encourages major injuries to heal faster.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe get out of the medical bay. Snap takes Finn under his wing and shows him around. While Finn learns about where he is going, Poe takes stock in where he has been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I messed up on the timeline for how long Poe had been with the Resistance, so I went back and edited to 25 instead of 19 ;) Meaning that in the flashback in this chapter, it was 7 years since "Ben" died and 7 years before TFA begins.

“Where did it go? I had it right here!” Finn looks around, worried, and probably putting way too much stress on his back.

“What are you looking for?” Poe asks, quickly pulling his shirt on so he can push back the curtain between the beds and calm his friend. He hobbles back to his bed and sits down, setting his single crutch right next to him. His leg is still weak and in enough pain that he can’t really walk unassisted and even then it is painful enough that he got a bottle of oral pain medication to take.

“My jacket!” Finn sits, obviously upset. 

“Relax, Finn. I asked Shubuntu if she knew anyone who could repair and patch the burns. Probably get it back in a few days.” Poe smiles. He called it ‘his’ jacket and that makes Poe very happy.

“It’s the only thing I have, I was so worried I lost it.”

Finn looks up at him with the most sincere, grateful expression Poe has seen in a very long time. Poe’s chest gets all tight and he feels himself blush and he wishes he could just walk away but knows that would be a very mean thing to do. Sharing a room with him is going to be a battle. “Well we will just have to get you some stuff. Clothes, for one. Books? Nah, you look like a music fan to me.”

“Don’t I need a job to get stuff?” Finn asks.

“Well, I suppose we’ll have to figure out what kind of job you’d be good for. Once you are cleared to work,” Poe grabs his crutch. “Until then we will ask Leia for some clothes and see if anyone would be willing to lend you some books to read or music to listen to. I have some music you might like on my data box.”

Finn smiles, standing. “I’d like that. Thank you, Poe.”

“Poe Dameron and Finn,” Shubuntu walks towards them, pushing a chair on wheels with two bags in the seat. “These are your medications, please take them. There are also ointments for your wounds to reduce the scars and keep them from being too painful. Poe, us humans need calcium to keep those bones healthy so you have supplements. Follow the instructions on the bottles. Also, your leg is still very weak, I have a wheelchair for you to travel the long hallways. No walking more than a few yards right now. Both of you have exercises to do several times per day and each day after lunch you both come to see me for therapy.”

“Yes m’am,” Finn says very clearly, taking his bag. 

“Understood,” Poe smiles, taking his.

“Now this isn’t like last time, Poe,” she says. “You need to follow my directions. That was a very bad injury, if you don’t let it heal correctly it could keep you grounded.”

He swallows, suddenly overcome with shame and fear of losing the one thing he loves the most, flight. “I promise.”

“Good. You gentleman are free to go.” She waves and walks off to her next patient. From his experience in the medical bay, she’s probably rolling her eyes and smiling at them.  
“Let’s go…” Finn stands and gestures to the chair, first very quickly and then stopping suddenly as if he changed his mind. “I mean, I could push you, I would like to lean on something as I walk.”

Poe rolls his eyes at the chair but climbs on anyway, holding both bags of medication and his crutch in his lap. It’s just a matter of time before they get more missions and he’ll need to heal up. “Before we get to the room, let’s head to laundry and get you some clothing.”

Finn looks down at himself. “What’s wrong? I like this color.”

“Aren’t those the clothes you wore under your Stormtrooper armor?”

“Yeah, I suppose you are right. I need something new.” Finn begins to push. “I have no idea where I am taking us.”

“I’ll point, you drive.”

~

It takes nearly an hour to get Finn’s approval for new clothing, and by the time they both return to Poe’s room, Snap is already there making himself at home.

“Heya guys, good to see ya!” Snap jumps off the top bunk, wearing a bright green top and dark brown pants with no socks or shoes. “Rumor has it Poe snores.”

“I do not,” Poe says, handing Finn the items he was carting on his lap before standing and hobbling to his bed. Leia left him his own bed, which is wider than the bunk beds, if only by a few inches. He lies down on his back and looks up at the ceiling of their room. Nothing special, but it’s blank and eerily soothing.

“Tight quarters,” Snap replies, taking the items from Finn and setting them on the counter top. “Just about enough room for your new fighter there to get between the beds.”

“Small price to pay. Think about all the families here who lost their planets,” Poe replies. “Can you bring me my bag? I need some medicine.” Snap brings him the bag with his name on it and the canteen from next to Poe’s bed. He removes a black bottle and swallows two pills, chasing them with water. “Thanks man.”

“I wish I could have done more,” Finn says quietly, sitting on the bottom bunk. Poe turns his head to look at his friend. He looks small, wearing light tan clothes a size too big. But he also looks tired and defeated. “I should have defected sooner. I should have done something more, anything. I could have saved…”

“You needed a pilot,” Poe responds softly, turning his head to face his friend.

Fin stops his trail and turns to look at Poe with glossy eyes. “I needed a pilot,” he softly replies back, voice cracking just a little.

“And I couldn’t have thanked you more for saving our boy here,” Snap says, standing between them with his hands on his hips. Poe can’t decide if he’s a lifesaver or if he’s ruining a moment. “Say, I’m off to lunch, day off.”

“Can I go with you?” Finn asks, standing. “I’m starving.”

“Sure, Poe?”

Poe shakes his head. “My leg is killing me, I just took some meds. I’ll just nap.”

“I will bring you back some food,” Finn says, smiling. “Hey, maybe when I get back you can show me this music you were talking about?”

Poe laughs, “You listen to it.”

“You know what I mean,” Finn says, looking to Snap. “Ready?”

“Sure,” Snap says.

Both of them leave and Poe couldn’t be more grateful. As much as his stomach drops at the departure of Finn, he knows he needs to get out there and spend time with other people. He needs to learn how to live a life. Poe would rather have Finn here, talking and listening to music. Poe closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, letting out slowly between his teeth. Two pills was not enough. He’s about to take more when BB-8 wheels into the room, chittering cheerfully.

“Hey 8, good to see you too,” Poe replies, propping himself up on his elbows. “How’s things in the hangar?”

BB-8 mentions that things are well, that the squadrons are polishing and repairing fighters so they are in tip top shape before the next mission. He mentioned that they also chipped in and have been working o on his fighter too. 8 looks around the room and asks about the new beds.

“Snap and Finn,” Poe replies. “We still have room for you if you want.”

If BB-8 could smile, he would be. He mentions that he’s been staying in the room since they returned from their mission because Shubuntu nearly tripped over him once and he was banished from the medical bay. 

Poe was one of the few pilots around that took to their flight droids. He felt like BB-8 wasn’t just a computer, but a co-pilot. These droids have AI and personalities and it was only right to treat him like any other co-pilot. Of course Poe could has for the AI to be altered, as many pilots did, but he remembers when Leia first gave him BB-8. It was as close to a pet Hurpack as he’d ever get and having someone in the air with him always made him feel less alone.

“I’m going to sleep for a bit,” Poe says, reaching over and grabbing the bottle to take one more pill. “Snap and Finn went to the mess hall for lunch, I’m sure Finn would love to see you.”

BB-8 squeals happily, mentioning he visited Finn nearly every day, but wheeled out of the room as fast as he could.

Poe lies back down, feeling the third pill have more of a pain reduction effect. He could still feel it, but it was more a dull thud than the cramp-like pain he felt earlier. Muscle always takes so long to heal. He rolls over and reaches for a book on the small side table. His mother loved printed books. Sure, data readers and hologram goggles were great, but he always had a fondness for the different textures and smells of papers from all sorts of planets. He remembers sitting on a blanket in the garden, under the Force tree, with his mother. Both of them reading their books, enjoying the other’s company in silence. 

‘I needed a pilot.’

Poe closes his book and repeats Finn’s soft, yet deep and warm voice over and over in his head. He closes his eyes and thinks about seeing Finn on D’Qar after the Battle on Takodana. After all the things Poe went through after the TIE crashed on Jakku; searching, trading the only things he had, fighting and losing, he remembers missing Finn the most. The one who saved him and he didn’t return the favor.

~

“Commander Dameron, do you know who I am?” 

Poe nodded, came to attention and snapped a salute. “General Organa.”

“At ease, have a seat Poe. I’m going to call you Poe if that’s alright.”

“Whatever you like, General,” Poe takes the seat across from her.

“I would prefer if you called me Leia behind closed doors,” she smiles. “It’s been way too long.”

Poe inhales sharply and deeply at the thought of the last time he saw Leia. She was lying in her bed aboard the Millennium Falcon, so distraught she stopped crying. Her hair was loose and knotted, clinging to the tears left over on her face. He remembers his own tears, still streaming hot, as he pushed the hair from her eyes to give her a kiss on the cheek goodbye.

“Seven years,” he says quietly. He watches Leia swallow down her pain as he stoically does the same. There is a reason he left, he couldn’t bear to share the loss with her. “How’s Han?”

She rolls her eyes. “He left not long after you did. I’ve heard rumors and stories.”

Poe nods, now turning to swallow anger that Han would just leave. “Why am I here, General?”

Leia purses her lips, taking Poe’s lead. “Alright, Commander Dameron, do you know why you’re here?”

“Because I am about to be removed from duty.”

“Tell me about the freighter, the Yissira Zyde. You found it, and the First Order. Tell me everything.”

~

Poe opens his eyes at the sudden sound of the door to the room opening. He’s surprised when Snap is the one to bring him a tray about thirty minutes later. “Where’s Finn, everything okay?”

“Oh sure, he just got carried away listening to Jessica’s stories, so I offered to bring this to you.” Snap smiles. “I’m gonna show him around a bit. Yeah, I’ll take it easy on him. He asked to see your X-Wing so I’ll swing him by there.”

~

Poe is worried when he looks at the clock to see Finn has been gone for an hour. Nervous when two hours passes. After three he’s about to get up and wheel himself through the halls to look for him. He is his own person, perhaps he’s just making friends. Maybe Snap took him to the hangar or to ops. He’s not allowed to work but maybe he’s sitting at a comm hub and just watching. Poe imagines hearing Finn’s excited voice over the radio while on missions. A little anchor to home. 

When Finn does walk in the door, Poe has to stop himself from leaping across the room and hugging him for finally coming back. “Hey man, you have fun?”

“I’m, uhm, yeah. Snap showed me around, I met a few people. They taught me to play cards!”

Poe closes his book he was only pretending to read for the past hour. “Cheats, the lot of them.”

“Well, I didn’t get to bet, I was just learning. Besides, I don’t even have any money,” Finn shrugs, grabbing his medication from his bag. “I uhm, I can’t reach my back to put this on.”

Poe sits up, sliding down to make room for Finn to sit next to him. “I’ll do it.”

“Can you turn on some of that music?” Finn asks. “I do know what music is, you know.”

“Sure. Uhm, the box is up there,” Poe points to the data box on the shelf across the room. “Just turn on the power switch and hit the button with the swirly symbol on it. It randomly selects songs to play from its memory banks.”

Finn does as instructed, and before he comes back to the bed the air is filled with soothing strings and horns. “What is this?”

“My mother used to listen to it,” Poe says. “She called it orchestral.”

Finn smiles and nods. “I like it.” He sits down next to Poe and removes his shirt, quickly turning to show him his back. “Uhm, I guess you can see where.”

Poe looks at the angry pink scar running down Finn’s back from his left shoulder down just to the right of his spine at the waist. It looks painful and sore and Poe is suddenly so sorry this had to happen. He swallows, fighting the urge to storm out of the room or break something in anger. He puts a liberal amount of the ointment on his fingers and softly begins to coat the scar. Touching Finn’s skin sends little shivers down his arm that he hopes Finn can’t feel. “Does this hurt?”

“No, you’re being very gentle. Thanks,” Finn says. “You’d make an excellent nurse.”

“Nah, too busy getting hurt myself,” Poe laughs. 

“Being the best pilot in the galaxy comes with a downside I suppose.”

Poe is very careful not to touch past the borders of the scar. Finn’s skin is dark and warm and it just looks like it would taste good on his tongue. No, stop it Poe. Knock it the fuck off. “You have some new friends, then?”

Finn shrugs. “Your squadrons are really welcoming people. Only once did Jessica ask me about Stormtroopers, but Snap shut her up. I think she was just curious. Something about the butt plate of armor…”

“Are you talking about that little white flap that covers your butt?” Poe starts to laugh. “That did always seem funny to me. How do you even sit down wearing the gear?”

“Did it look like we had seats on those personnel carriers?” Finn laughs. 

He turns around and takes the ointment from Poe, fingers glancing over his. Poe feels like he’ll never be able to breathe again at the short touch, so he pretends to cough and reach for his canteen and drinks. “If any of them, or anyone on any planet, ever gives you a hard time, let me know. I will fly my X-Wing so far up their ass they’ll taste my exhaust trail.”

Finn’s face opens in a wide smile. He starts to laugh when he notices that he hasn’t put his shirt back on. Hastily, he pulls it over his head and moves to his bunk. “Poe, can we keep the music on for a while?”

“Sure thing,” Poe lies back down and picks up his book.

Finn gets comfortable on his bunk and puts his hands behind his head. “Back at the First Order, I had the top bunk. I like the bottom one better.”

“Why is that?” Poe asks.

“Easier to use the toilet in the middle of the night.”

Both men laugh.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe gets a surprise that he doesn’t feel he deserves.

Poe wakes up in the middle of the night and has to take a piss. He keeps his eyes closed, hoping to only wake up just enough to make it to the toilet. Robotically, he pushes the covers off, sits up and moves to stand. He takes a few steps and it met with searing pain in his leg. He moves to brace himself against his dresser but when he reaches out it’s not there. After the second step Poe starts to fall and he realizes what a stupid mistake he’s made. He manages to brace his fall with his arm as he hits the ground. His elbow throbs but not enough to tell him it’s broken. He rolls onto his back and remembers why he fell—he hurt is leg on Takodana. His dresser is on the other side of the room because Finn and Snap are in his room now. He’s about to attempt to get up and find his crutch so he can hobble to the small toilet room when Snap jumps down from his bunk and comes to his side.

“Man, you okay? I heard a thud and rolled over to see you on the ground,” Snap whispers as helps Poe up.

“I have to take a leak,” Poe replies, still groggy. “I forgot for a second there that I had a bum leg.”

Snap laughs quietly. “Come on, I’ll help you so we don’t wake up Finn.”

Poe looks through the darkness—barely lit by a small glow coming from BB-8’s charging light—and sees Finn curled up on his side, hugging one of his two pillows. Poe thinks he looks so peaceful, like all of his fears or worries are gone and he can dream about anything in the entire galaxy. Poe smiles and wishes he could sleep like that. Poe nearly starts to reach out to touch Finn’s face when he feels Snap’s hand under one of his arms, helping him across the room. 

“I’ll wait outside the door, just in case,” Snap says. “Don’t argue.”

Poe manages to hop to the toilet and close the door behind him, the sensor light coming on automatically with his movement into the room. Most of the larger rooms on base have small private bathrooms. He quickly takes a piss and moves to the sink, rinsing his hands and splashing water in his face. He holds his elbow up to the small mirror and sees it red. It will probably bruise. He could ask Snap to go to the medical bay and bring him some sort of cool pack, but why bother. It doesn’t hurt and he would much rather not have to answer to Shubuntu before his required therapy session anyway.

He steps out and Snap is there to take a hand and help him to his bed. “Gonna tuck me in and read me a story?”

“Buy me dinner first?” Snap jokes, making sure that Poe’s crutch is nearby. “You know, when I found you there on that path I thought the worst. I’m not a sappy guy but when I signed up for the Resistance, it’s because I wanted to fly with the legendary Poe Dameron. You always give so much to the Resistance, let me fucking help you get up at night to take a leak. Promise?”

Poe nods, pulling his blanket over him. “Not even a good night kiss?”

“When’s the last time you got laid?” Snap rolls his eyes, climbing back into his bunk. “With the refugees there’s a whole host of fresh tail. I actually ended up having tea with this really lovely woman and she even asked if we could do it again.”

“Grief sex is the best, huh?” Poe laughs. “Classy. Good night Snap.”

“Night Poe.”

Poe keeps his eyes open until they adjust to the dim light of BB-8. He rolls onto his side and looks at Finn sleeping soundly. It’s so serene and calming that Poe has to fight to keep his eyelids up. But soon, he starts to lose that battle and he feels himself slip off into unconsciousness.

~

“You have a visitor,” Poe’s father says, walking into his room.

“POE!” His friend runs to his bedside with a package. “I’m so sorry, so so sorry I broke your arm. Mommy says you can’t come play for a few days.”

“Ah, it’s alright,” Poe shakes off the dull throb and wiggles his fingers, pretending his whole arm doesn’t burn when he does so. “See? The machine fixed the bones inside, I just have to rest in bed.” He watches his father leave the room with a smile on his face.

“I will never EVER run in the hall again,” his friend says, inviting himself to jump up on Poe’s bed and settle at his feet, almost like a crumpar. “I brought you a present. It was my idea but I had to ask my mommy and daddy to find it and my daddy said you would really like it.”

Poe sees the package with scribbles on it, clearly drawn by his friend, and takes out a book. A real book, just like the ones his mother had. “Wow, this is so cool!”

“Remember you told me that you’d punch me if I ever touched your books? That’s how I know you like them!” his friend says. This kid is so smart, Poe thinks, it’s hard to remember he’s only five. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t like hurting people. It feels bad.”

“Ah, it happens.” Poe opens the pages of the book. It’s a picture book about Ewoks. “It’s about the Battle of Endor! My mom and dad fought there,” Poe smiles, paging through it. Even though he’s eight, he knows that this is a very special book. It was made even after holodeck tapes were common. Someone labored to draw the pictures and hand print the words. It’s too special for a kid with a broken arm.

“Hey, do you want me to read it to you?” Poe asks.

His friend lights up and smiles, guilt having been washed away by Poe’s forgiveness. He opens the book and feels happy. Not happy that he got hurt, but happy that he could make his friend feel better.

~

Poe blinks his eyes open with a terrible headache. His elbow and leg are throbbing and he wants to turn over and never wake up again. Instead he reaches for his canteen and pills, swallowing down the supplements and three pain medications. He sits up to see Snap and Finn gone. He looks at the clock on the wall and realizes that Snap probably had duty today and Finn tagged along to the mess for breakfast. He swings his legs over the side of the bed and realizes his wheelchair is nowhere to be seen. Just like Snap to play some practical joke. Typically Poe wasn’t the target, being Black Leader, but he figures Snap is trying to make up for his honesty and un-characteristic honesty from last night.

After hobbling to take another leak, and again over to his small dresser to put on clean clothes, Poe runs a comb through his messy hair and looks at himself in the mirror on the back of the door. Brown pants and a crème tunic with his flight boots, which to him are the most comfortable shoes he’s ever worn in his life. He grabs the comb and tries to smooth down his hair before finally tossing it on his bed and ruffling it with his hands. Looking back at himself, he smiles just a little. His curls remind him of his mother. He really looks more like her than his father. She would probably be here, making his food and fussing over him until he gets better. He grabs his crutch and walks to the door of his room, wondering how the hell he’s going to get to the mess by himself. Snap is gonna pay for snagging his chair this shithead.

When Poe opens the door, he sees his wheelchair. But it’s not the same way he left it. He walks around the chair to take it all in. It’s decked out in grey paint with paper panels on the sides, the signature rusty orange stripes on the side just like his X-Wing. Someone used paper and scrap metal to create the signature X-wings on each side and even painted ‘Black Leader’ on the back of the seat. Whoever did this spent half the night working on it. He notices it’s been fitted with a toggle and small engine so he doesn’t have to be pushed. On the seat is a note.

‘Until you get your wings back, Black Leader.’

Poe can’t help but smile, just a little. He shakes his head, settling into the chair, hitting the toggle and launching himself forward down the mess hall.

~

When he rolls into the mess, the entire fleet of pilots stands up and salutes him. Poe wants to turn around and roll himself right out the door and into the nearest body of water. He doesn’t deserve this attention. He doesn’t want it. He just wants to eat his fucking breakfast and go figure out how to waste the rest of the morning without thinking too much. 

Snap approaches him. “Commander, welcome to the Poe Dameron Appreciation Breakfast.”

“You’re fired,” Poe says, rolling up to the spot left empty for him, BB-8 rolled up right beside it and flicking his lighter thumbs-up for his friend. “Sit down everyone, as you were, whatever.”

The fleet does, going back to their meals and conversations. He looks to see Snap sitting in his spot across from Poe, with Jessica to his left and Kare to his right. Since when the hell did Kare get back here?

“Kare, I haven’t seen you…”

“I’ve been assigned to monitoring overnight comms, got back while you were out,” she smiles. “Good to see the guest of honor has arrived.”

“Whose idea was this?” Poe asks, gesturing to his chair and trying to mask his annoyance and humiliation. He doesn’t deserve this. “You guys know I fell down a ravine, right?”

“If it wasn’t for you, that map would have never gotten off Jakku,” Snap replies. “You had the foresight to send BB-8 as far away from that trading post as you could.”

BB-8 chitters and chirps happily, telling Poe how much he owed him his little robot life.

“Yeah, and not to mention how you led us in the fight on Starkiller,” Jessica adds.

“Good morning, Poe. I like your new X-Wing,” Finn approaches, carrying a tray filled with some of Poe’s favorite treats. 

Poe looks at the spread in front of him and wants to dive under the table. “Did you do that?”

“It was really Kare’s idea,” Finn says, sitting in the empty chair next to Poe. Kare snaps Finn a look but quickly lets it go. “When Snap and Kare came back last night, you were dead asleep. She got the idea and we took your chair to the hangar to deck it out. Was my note readable? I’ve never written anything by hand before.”

“What? How did you ever jot notes down?” Poe says, taking a sip of his warm tea to wake himself up from this dream.

“We always had pin pads we typed on. I know the letters and how to spell and all that, I just never wrote them out. Snap showed me how.” Finn smiles warmly at Snap, who nods back as he shovels food into his mouth.

“Thanks,” Poe replies, patting his friend on the back, rubbing in between his shoulder for one rotation too long before removing his hand and placing it next to his tray. “Holy crap, where did you get the cookies?”

“Kare woke me up early to make them,” Jessica adds. “The kitchen had some of the special ingredient in a recent shipment, lucky for you.”

“What is that?” Finn asks, pointing to some small green cookies.

“Ah man, here,” Poe hands him one. “These are Yavin cookies.”

“For some reason, Poe is the only lunatic around here who likes them,” Snap laughs.

“I’m from Yavin-4 so yeah,” he retorts, turning back to Finn. “There’s a spice that only grows on Yavin-4 that turns them green. They are sweet but with a kick. Try it.”

Finn eyes it wearily before taking a bite. He chews several times and nods, swallowing. “Not bad.” After two more seconds he coughs and reaches for Poe’s tea, taking down a huge gulp. “SHIT!”

Everyone at the table laughs, BB-8 even squeaking and lighting up in delight. “That’s the spice, Finn buddy.”

“You’re lucky, Poe NEVER shares his food,” Jessica says. “One time I took a snap pea off his salad and he flipped.”

“You knew what a snap pea tasted like,” Poe says, turning back to his tray of food.

BB-8 beeps, saying that Poe wouldn’t even share his food with the droid if it COULD eat it, which brings a chuckle from the pilots and a confused look to Finn’s face. Poe reminds himself to get Finn some holodeck tapes on how to speak with non-protocol droids.

Poe listens to his friends talk, eating most of what’s on his tray and not arguing when Finn asks to pack up the rest so Poe can have it later. He doesn’t like being celebrated like this. He doesn’t fly for the Resistance for the attention, he flies because it is the right thing to do. He flies because he’s needed. He doesn’t deserve the credit for failing the Takodana mission, or the mission on Jakku—he got caught by Kylo Ren for fuck’s sake. He caved to torture and nearly cost the safety of the galaxy. If it wasn’t for Finn and Rey and Han and Chewbacca the assault on Starkiller would have failed. Poe’s just a guy who can fly a fighter and doesn’t know how to say no to someone that needs help. Poe Dameron Appreciation Breakfast his ass.

He watches Finn talk to the other squadron pilots, bantering and listening to their stories. He talks a little bit, but clearly shies away from talking about the First Order or being a Stormtrooper, even when Kare pushes him a little. Poe even notices when Finn and Jessica exchange a strange look a burst out laughing, as if they’ve already formed some private little inside joke like old friends. It makes Poe feel good that Finn is fitting in. Perhaps he’ll want to train to be a gunner and join up. He did damned good during that rescue attempt. He watches Finn’s eyes as he talks. They range from wide open when someone is telling him a story to squinty when he’s laughing to warm when he’s looking at Poe. It makes Poe wonder if Finn was always so expressive or if having the helmet off somehow freed him.

After the pilots all clear out and head to duty, Finn stays behind. After taking Poe’s tray back to the kitchen, he comes out and grabs the bag of leftovers. “So, what are you going to do until therapy?”

Poe shrugs. “Become the best pilot of the hallways?”

BB-8 snarkily challenges Poe to race, but then starts to trash-talk about how fast he is. 

“Nah, I think I need to rest,” Poe says. “Last night I fell on my arm trying to use the toilet. I wasn’t fully awake and just tried to walk like a normal person.”

Finn looks at him concerned. “Are you okay? Do we need to see Shubuntu early?”

He shakes his head. “I’m fine.”

“It is okay if I go back with you? I want to listen to some more of that music.” Finn asks.

“Sure you don’t want to hang out with your new friends?”

Finn looks almost hurt. “I want to hang out with you too. Is that okay?”

As much as Poe wants to be alone right now, he does have to admit listening to music in the silence of his room sound like an excellent idea. “Sure, kid.”

“I’m not a kid,” Finn says. “I am twenty-three. I think. I’m pretty sure. You only advanced through trainings at certain ages so if I tracked it right, I’m twenty-three.”

That young? “You’re a good fighter for twenty three.”

“It’s literally all I have ever done,” Finn says, following Poe and BB-8 down the hall. “We should have fit that chair with a blaster.”

BB-8 agrees, telling Poe how the breakfast and the chair was really Finn’s idea and he’s only saying that because Finn doesn’t understand him.

“Next time, don’t let them pull that crap. An Appreciation Breakfast? As the Commander, I’m formally no longer permitting any celebrations of Commanders in the fleet. It’s just nonsense. The fleet can’t focus if it’s staying up all night and using resources on celebrations.”

Finn bows his head. “I will pass along the message, Commander.” His voice is so soft and resigned that Poe instantly wants to take it all back. Anything to wipe that sad look out of Finn’s eyes.

They get to the room and Poe manages to get to his bed, taking another three pills and laying on his bed. He really messed up, hurting Finn like that. It’s probably the first time Finn participated in celebrating anything and he just kicked his legs out from under him. BB-8 rolls into the room in silence, but the way he cocks his head at Poe says that he is not exactly pleased at what Poe said in the hallway. He chitters very quietly that Poe better say he’s sorry if he values his shins.

Finn instantly goes to the data box and reaches to turn it on, but he puts his hands down and moves to go back to his bed.

“Finn, you can listen,” Poe gestures. “Please.”

Finn seems to lighten up just a tiny bit and turns it on, much louder than he did yesterday, and makes himself comfortable on his own bunk, doing his stretches. BB-8 starts to chitter and chirp along with the music, bobbing his head and rolling around the room.

“Wow, shake it BB-8!” Finn laughs. “You like music?”

BB-8 tries to respond but looks to Poe, remembering Finn won’t understand him. “He loves music, music is notes. Lots of math and computations. Also, this type of bar music is his favorite.”

“Bar music. I remember Maz’s place. Great music. That’s the only bar I’ve ever been too.”

“Bars are amazing. And once we are allowed off-planet, I’ll take you to a few.” Poe says, trying to ignore how adorable Finn and BB-8 look dancing together. Well, Finn is sitting on his chair moving his arms around like an Uncather having a seizure since dancing is too rough on his back.

He rolls over and gets comfortable on his back, stretching his leg. He did not deserve that breakfast, or the treats, or the fucking wheelchair. If anything, Finn is the fucking hero. Finn grabbed him from that chair, saved him from Kylo Ren’s abuse, and pulled him into that alcove. He saved his fucking life when Poe was sure as hell Kylo Ren was coming back to finish him off. Finn deserves a fucking breakfast. He certaintly didn’t deserve such harsh, ungrateful berating in the hallway earlier.

“Hey, Finn?”

Finn stops and looks at Poe. “Yeah man? Need something?”

“You can have the rest of my breakfast, if you want. Even the Yavin cookies.”

Finn smiles so wide and grabs the bag. “Are you sure?”

Poe nods. “I’m sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is SUPER slow (as in it took 7 chapters to go less than a week of time) but once the plot gets moving we’ll have some time passage. As we progress in time…I’m going to have to introduce some bigger plot around Rey and the rest of the story. I would like to make it known that SOME of what I write is what I would like to see/my theories for the next two films, but most of it is just going to be writing for the sake of fitting my story. Let’s face it, I should not be allowed to write Star Wars films. In Rian Johnson I will trust.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe thinks about his preference for random sex and not waking up with someone, while wishing he really could wake up next to someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blowjob, Possibly underage, Masturbation, talk of Het Sex

“Now push on my hands, as hard as you can until you feel pain,” Shubuntu says, cradling Poe’s foot in her hands.

He grips the sides of the table and pushes, only lasting about four seconds until he has to give up. “Shit,” he grits through his teeth. Of all the injuries he’s sustained as a pilot, this is the first time he’s actually needed to rehab. It’s mostly been flesh wounds or sprains and bumps, but this time he’s actually scared that if he doesn’t listen to Shubuntu he’ll be grounded for good. That is a terrifying thought.

“It’s your first session,” Shubuntu says. “This time next week you’ll make it to maybe seven seconds.”

Poe sighs and looks up at the ceiling from his position on his back. “The First Order could strike at any time, is there anything else you can do? Isn’t there a super-healing nanobot you can inject me with?”

“No, this is the reality of living in the Resistance. Should you wish to defect to the First Order they might have something.”

“Nope, just a blaster to the chest,” Finn says from his spot on the floor next to Poe’s table, legs crossed, and being twisted from the waist. He too is hissing through his teeth. “For every active Trooper there are five more just about to finish basic training and be assigned.”

“I’m sorry I missed your Appreciation Breakfast,” she replies, a clear look of disgust on her face at Finn’s information. She helps Poe to pull his knee up and towards his chest repeatedly. “I heard it was the event of the season.”

“It wasn’t necessary and it won’t happen again,” Poe says, trying to breathe through the pain as Shubuntu pushes his leg. The pain medication is starting to wear down and the therapy is surprisingly painful. “It’s a distraction. If I can’t be ready to go, I need my squadrons to be.”

“Sometimes you are so thick,” Shubuntu puts his leg down. “Done for today. How’s the pain?”

Poe sits up. “Terrible, the ache and the legs cramps at night are keeping me up.” Well, they would be if he wasn’t taking the pain medication, he thinks. 

She furrows her brow. “You are not getting any younger, Poe. You’ve never been one to take care of yourself. You have all the marks of a man who doesn’t take care of himself the way he should. You’re addicted to your job and your body is paying the price.” She turns around and digs through the contents of a medical cart, pulling out another black bottle. “Did I give you pain medication?”

Poe takes the bottle. “Uh, thanks.”

“Two before bed, one at breakfast. One after therapy.” She turns to Finn. “I’ll send some with you too.”

“Thanks,” Finn replies, standing up very slowly with the help of his therapist. “I’m fine.”

“Nonsense, it’s your back. Besides, in about twenty minutes you won’t be,” she finds another bottle and shoves it into his palm. “Please rest for a while. The first few days are the most painful as your bodies heal.”

Poe slides into his wheelchair and both men nod, quickly leaving the medical bay, or as Poe wants to call it, the Torture bay. Especially if he’s only supposed to take four pills the entire day to keep the pain at bay. That’s inhumane. “You okay, Finn?” Poe asks, quickly taking two pills from the bottle and swallowing them without water. She wants him to take care of himself, he needs to be able to sleep and not want to chop his leg off after each round of therapy.

“Yeah, I’ll make it,” Finn replies, face covered in a thin sheen of sweat. He looks like he just ran a mile. Therapy does take a lot of effort, he supposes. “Listen, Poe, I’m sorry about this morning. I didn’t know it would upset you. I thought it would cheer you up.”

Poe waves his hand. “I don’t want to be a distraction.”

“Sure, it was my very first mission so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. But back on Jakku, seeing how you just looked up at Kylo Ren and gave him shit, I saw something I’ve never seen before. I saw what I can only describe as selflessness. When you were still out, I had to ask around to find the right word.” Finn stops in the hall. “I think it makes everyone feel better, to support you when you’re down. You clearly don’t like being out of action and it shows. I’ve been getting to know people around here, and they all really appreciate you. I know I do.”

“Wait,” Poe stops his chair and turns it around to face Finn, using every ounce of his being to ignore most of what Finn just told him. “That was your first mission?”

Finn nods. “I was in training and worked sanitation detail until I got assigned to that squadron. Jakku was supposed to be my first of many missions.”

“I didn’t know,” Poe replies, feeling a sudden sadness wash over him. Here is this young man standing in front of him with a mix of physical pain and sadness on his face. The man who risked his life to save him. 

Finn walks closer to Poe, close enough that he puts a hand on Poe’s shoulder. “Let’s go rest.”

Poe’s breath catches at the contact, but he quickly turns the chair to break it. “You can listen to more music if you want.”

~

“Fifty.”

Poe reaches into his pocket and pulls out the required currency, setting it on the short table next to him. The other man smiles, quickly taking it and counting to make sure it’s all there. Once satisfied, the man pockets the money. 

“Standing or sitting?” he asks.

Poe remains standing. “This will do.”

The young man kneels before Poe and makes quick work of unbuckling his belt and sliding his garments down to his ankles. The cool air threatens his hard-on, but the man doesn’t hesitate and quickly sucks his cock down into his warm mouth. Instead of rolling his head back, he chooses to focus on the guys’ face. His dark brown hair about two months late for a haircut dances over his eyes slightly. Dark brown eyes poking out of a clear, flawless face. He looks really young, probably too young to be doing this, let alone taking money for it. Poe wonders just how long those pink lips of his have been working at this ‘boarding house.’ Pink lips shaped like a bow, now spread wide open over Poe’s cock. 

This guy is certainly a pro, sucking him down to the base and bobbing up and down without a gag reflex. Poe’s not picky, he’s been with both aliens and his own race, but usually humans can’t take him down all the way. This guy though, fuck. He bobs fast enough to work up speed and tension but he’s also able to run his tongue down the vein on the underside on the upstroke and tease the slit on the down stroke. One hand is on Poe’s hip holding him steady while the other is gently cupping and massaging his balls. Poe reaches down and gently threads his fingers in the kid’s dark hair, knowing better than to pull or try to control his movements. Not that he needs to, because the lovely tingles and sparks of an orgasm are starting to build in his hips.

“I wanna come on your face,” Poe pants out.

The guy complies, coming off his cock with a pop and furiously jerking him off. Poe closes his eyes and feels the familiar build very quickly come to a crest. He opens his eyes again just in time to see come spurt out of his cock and onto the face and closed eyelids of the trick. It wasn’t the best blowjob he’s ever had, but it was damned effective. Hired ass feels like cheating somehow, but sometimes when Poe’s on a mission he doesn’t have the time or the energy to woo someone. Money is faster.

Poe slumps onto the bed behind him, pants still hanging on his ankles. “Ah fuck.”

The guy blindly pulls a scrap of fabric from his back pocket and wipes his face clean. “I hope it was good.”

“Fuck yea,” Poe laughs. “So, uhm…how much for a fuck?”

The guy makes his way to Poe’s bed and sits next to him. “Two.”

“I like to bottom,” Poe says. “I want to suck your cock.” Not that he has anything else to spend his money on, but he might as well try to get the price down just a little. 

The guy smiles, stands and starts to remove his clothing. “One-fifty.”

~

Poe wakes up panting, wishing to hell he could have finished that dream. He remembers how that guy fucking pounded into him and the taste of his cock in his mouth. Now he’s fucking hard as hell and he’s in a shared room with Snap and Finn just a few feet away. He’s an old hat at jerking off quietly. Coming up the ranks, he’s shared several bunks and rooms with pilots and while they all do it—even the women—nobody really wants to hear your friends groaning and grunting and coming.

Fuck it, he decides. He turns on his side facing away from Snap and Finn and BB-8 powered down in the corner and puts his hand under the blanket and down the front of his pants. Even the touch of his own hand is pretty damned arousing right now. He hasn’t gotten off since his one-nighter with Haknar and even that was the first before his mission to Jakku.

Poe slowly rubs the length of his shaft with the palm of his hand, flicking his thumb over the slit so quickly and softly that even he barely feels it. That’s what he’s in the mood for, soft and teasing. He does it again and has to bite his lip to keep the gasp from escaping. He reaches his free hand up under his shirt and does the same soft dance over each nipple, feeling the tingle travel down his spine to pool in his gut. He does it again, this time flicking his fingers in a slightly different pattern. Fuck, he could probably get off just playing with his nipples alone, not that he ever has yet but they’ve always been very sensitive and he’s always loved the feeling of a bud being rolled under a tongue or pulled between teeth.

Poe, realizing he doesn’t have any lotion or lubricant, brings his hand to his mouth to lick and spit in his paml. Carefully, he goes back into his pants and fists around his cock, jerking several times. Slow but hard. He twists his fist coming up and pauses to rub the head with his open palm before coming back down. He gently dances his fingers over his nipples in random movements, feeling a yearning ache is in ass practically begging to be filled. Ah shit, that’s going to cause some serious noise. Not tonight, he tells his body.  
His body is tingling and his mouth is dry from forcing his breaths to release quietly. He continues to work himself, feeling a familiar build in his cock but it seems to keep hitting a ceiling in his body. He just can’t get there and shit he wants to come. He sighs and risks rolling onto his back, maybe it’s just the position. He glances over quickly to make sure that Snap, Finn and BB-8 aren’t watching—not that BB-8 hasn’t caught him before, but still. Snap’s back is facing him, and that’s good, but Finn is on his side, snoring ever so slightly. In the dim light giving off by 8’s charging indicator, Poe can see Finn’s face. He seems peaceful. His creamy skin is so rich and inviting. His full lips are parted just enough—Poe has learned Finn sleeps with his mouth open—and his broad pink tongue is visible. It all looks so soft and before he knows what’s happening Poe’s body tenses and he comes. His fingers dance over his chest and pause to pull at his nipples through his orgasm, his eyes not leaving Finn’s face.

After a few moments, Poe reaches down to the floor to find something to clean himself with. After doing so, he lays back and looks back at Finn. He wants to get out of bed and slide in next to him. Kiss those lips and explore that tongue. He wants to. He doesn’t want to have a fuck and then walk away, he wants to curl up, put his hand on Finn’s chest while he’s still sweaty and panting. He wants to feel another person’s heart beating against his. It’s been so long since he’s had that type of connection to anybody. He hasn’t shared a bed with another person for more than a few minutes after sex since…

Stop it, he tells himself. Those types of thoughts are dangerous for everyone. He reaches to the nightstand and takes three more pills. It’s just the post-orgasmic high. Has him thinking crazy. Poe closes his eyes and focused on the relaxed feeling coursing through his body.

~

Poe wakes up to the sound of birds singing in the trees outside of the small tent he slept in. The light filters in through the fabric, the sun clearly up for the day. He feels the arm on his chest and the nose snuggled in his neck and remembers what happened last night. He squeezes his arms around his friend and pulls him in closer.

His friend wakes up, batting his eyelids several times to adjust to the light. “Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” Poe replies.

“I thought last night was a dream,” his friend says, planting a soft kiss into Poe’s neck. “I guess I was wrong.”

“Are you okay?” Poe asks, inhaling his friend’s hair and taking in his scent.

“Yeah.” His friend sits up on his side so his face hangs over Poe’s. He touches a hand to Poe’s cheek. “I haven’t wanted something as much as I wanted this. You.”

Poe smiles and reaches into his friend’s hair, pulling him in for a kiss. “Ew,” Poe says as they part. “Morning breath.”

“Like yours is better?” His friend smiles. “So, we kinda fell asleep last night before we could…”

“Oh,” Poe bites his lip. “I, uhm, I’ve never actually had sex before.”

“What? You’re sixteen and you’ve never?” His friend laughs. 

“No laughing, you’re younger than me. Like you have?” Poe replies, reaching up for another kiss. “I suppose we could figure it out after breakfast.” 

His friend pushes him away abruptly. “Breakfast? Shit, I have to get back. I had no idea it was this late! I promised I would be back by lunch and it’s a three hour flight—at lightspeed!”

“Why so early?” Poe asks, getting up to change from his nightclothes to his tunic and pants. “They run a tight ship over there,” says Poe, the warmth in his chest quickly being replaced by disappointment.

“I just, I have to get back. I have a thing. Maybe next time we can, you know, have sex?”

Poe bites his lip. "I'd like that."

~

“Good morning sunshine.” Poe bats his eyes open to see Snap standing over him, smiling. 

“What the hell?” Poe sits up. “Did I sleep through breakfast?”

“I just got back and Finn’s finishing up his with BB-8.” Snap goes over to the dresser and starts searching through his things. “You were freaking smiling in your sleep. Get laid in dreamworld?”

Poe throws a pillow at Snap’s head. “So what do you care?”

“Just wondering who in your dream had you smiling and sighing?” Snap turns, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “And if you ever plan on telling that person that he’s the reason for it?”

“Who are you talking about?” Poe swings his legs over the side of the bed, reaches for his canteen and pills and takes three. “I don’t even remember my dreams anyway.”

“Whatever you say, Black Leader,” Snap salutes and leaves the room.

Poe gets up and uses his crutch to get to the toilet, taking a leak and brushing his teeth. Poe spits, rinses and smirks in the mirror. Morning breath is the worst. All the holoprograms make it seem sexy to kiss in the morning, but it’s not. He does remember his dream and he can even remember the sharp taste of his friend’s morning breath that day. Running his fingers through his hair to separate the curls, he leaves the bathroom and moves to his dresser, picking out a green jumpsuit to wear. Maybe he should go shopping for new clothing when he gets off-world again.

He’s just about to head towards the door when there is a knock at the door. He hobbles his way past his chair, which is still decked out like an X-Wing, and answers. “Hello?”

A young woman is on the other side and the only thing Poe notices is Finn’s jacket in her hands. “Poe? Shubuntu asked me to fix this for you.”

He takes the jacket gently. “Thank you so very much. What do I owe you?”

She shakes her head. “Nothing. It’s a favor.” She smiles big and bites her lip just a little bit. “I’m Robyin.”

Poe shakes her hand. “Poe Dameron.”

“I know. Uh, have you eaten breakfast yet?”

Robyin has beautiful red hair cut to just long enough to dust over her shoulders. Her blue eyes and bright freckles light up her face. She has a warm smile and soft pink lips. She’s pretty, really pretty. But she’s totally not his type. Poe is used to having to let people down, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like it. He thinks about it for a second—he’s only fucked women a few times before. Their bodies are fun enough, but he prefers men. Still, a hot wet mouth is a hot wet mouth.

“I’ve got some things to do. Please, let me pay you for your time.” Poe quickly reaches for his sachet in his top drawer. “I insist. For the materials even.”

Robyin sighs and accepts the payment. “I hope to see you around sometime, Poe.”

He thanks her and closes the door, quickly laying the jacket on the bed to inspect the repairs. There are leather patches on the back and brown stitching done quite well. Same on the shoulder. He checks the pocket and sees his note still tucked in the pocket. He holds the jacket up to his nose and inhales. It smells like Finn. He bites his lip and feels that pressure in his chest. He takes a few deep breaths and closes his eyes, thinking about how badly he wanted to touch Finn last night. 

While he’s tempted to jerk off again, he grabs the jacket, sits in his wheelchair and heads off to breakfast.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn thanks Poe, who decides to run away and go wallow in grief with Leia and his own memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Feelings. I am so sorry.

Finn sees Poe wheel into the mess and drops his fork on the table. Poe can’t figure out why Finn’s beaming like the sun and running towards him until Finn gets up to him and eyes the jacket in his lap. He’s smiling and his eyes almost seem to glow. He’s breathless and he has a bit of food on his cheek.

Poe stands up, jacket in hand. He holds it out to Finn. “If you still want it.”

Finn takes the jacket and instantly puts it on. “Yeah, yeah. You didn’t have to…”

“Yeah, I did buddy.” Poe puts a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “It suits you.”

Finn pulls Poe into a big, warm hug. Poe feels one arm wrapping up high across the back of his shoulders and pulls him close, while he feels the other arm slung a bit lower, around his waist. Poe returns the hug, his arms sharing the opposite pattern as if they rehearsed the position for hours. It’s too perfect and it feels nice. Poe’s leg aches a bit with the weight but he doesn’t even care. Finn is back in his jacket and he’s warm and comforting and Poe thinks his eyes are getting full of hot tears so he blinks very fast to make them go away.

“It’s the first present anyone’s ever given me,” Finn says in a low voice. “Thank you.”

Poe takes the hand from behind Finn’s shoulders and reaches up to wipe the food off Finn’s cheek, stopping with his thumb resting on Finn’s chin. It just happens, he didn’t think about it and he didn’t expect the way the touch of Finn’s skin would make his heart pool in his gut. Poe can’t breathe. His heart is beating so hard in his chest and he can’t breathe.

Poe breaks the hug. The grief he feels for doing so makes him want to punch a hole in the wall. “It’s not perfect, but I think she did a good job repairing the damage.”

“It was always perfect,” Finn says, looking down and tensing his jaw. “Uhm, breakfast?”

He takes a deep breath. “Nah, I’m, uhm, not hungry. I just wanted to give you the jacket. I’m actually off to see the General.”

“Oh, yeah, well okay. Jessica invited me to the hangar. She says the gunners are going to practice and she asked them if I could come and watch. You know, maybe I’d like to train once I’m cleared for duty. I was a good shot in the Order.” Finn puts his hands in the pockets of his pants, looking up at Poe with his head still bowed. “Meet you for therapy later?”

The look in Finn’s eyes isn’t helping Poe catch his breath. “Sure thing, buddy.”

~

Poe knocks on Leia’s door a third time. Nobody in command saw her, so this is really the only other place she could be. He’s starting to wonder if he missed something. Did she go off-planet?

“Poe Dameron,” C-3PO approaches. “I am so glad you are here. The General hasn’t left her quarters in two days. The last time she was like this was when Ben Solo was killed.”

He stands and nods. “Yeah, I know.”

Poe opens the door and walks into Leia’s room. It’s not a fancy room, even though it could be. It is, however, a mess. Laundry is scattered throughout the room. The blue dress she wore when Rey left is sitting puddled on the floor near her vanity. There’s a bottle half-full on the vanity, the cork missing. Poe reaches into his pocket, grabs three pills and uses the liquid in the bottle to swallow them. Wine. Not bad. Poe brings the bottle back to his lips and drinks at least two glasses worth in one pull, small drops trickling down the corners of his mouth. He puts the bottle down and sees the lump under the blanket on Leia’s bed. He limps his way over to the bed and sits, scooting up so his back is against the headboard kicking his shoes off and swinging his legs up on the bed. He puts his hand on the small patch of visible hair the blanket isn’t covering. 

“Why didn’t you get someone to get me?”

She stirs, pulling down the blanket to look at him. “You’re busy.”

“I’m not too busy for this,” Poe says softly. She moves so that her head is slightly resting on Poe’s stomach, with one arm around his waist. He puts an arm over her shoulders. “Your hair is a mess.”

Leia laughs, a light sort of laugh that’s clearly forced. “It’s in good company.”

Poe lays his head back against the headboard, closing his eyes. “Can I join in?”

“You have always had such a destructive sense of duty,” Leia sighs. “It comes from your parents. Your mother mostly. They left you with your grandmother as a toddler in order to come fight with the Alliance. Your parents did not leave the battle until it was won, and even then they continued to serve. They wanted a better galaxy for you. Not that I could uphold that, but I’m not as good of a parent as they were.”

Leia parts of Poe and gets out of bed. Poe opens his eyes to see her wearing clothes that clearly belonged to Han and at one point had been left behind. She must have consciously packed those clothes and carried them with her for the past fifteen years. She walks over to her vanity, notices the bottle is nearly empty, and reaches underneath. She produces another bottle and brings it back to the bed. She sits cross-legged next to Poe, back against the headboard. Popping out the cork, she takes a big drink and passes him the bottle.   
“I have to believe he’s still in there, Poe. My son is still alive underneath those dark robes and that mask. He must be.”

He takes another long drink. “When I was on that Destroyer, Kylo Ren reached into my mind,” Poe clears his throat, knowing that what he is going to say is going to hurt them both. “He went inside to get the information he wanted about the map. That was before I knew it was Ben.”

“I think Rey will bring Luke home. I think you and Finn and the rest of the Resistance can help to destroy the First Order and Ben will come home. Ben will come home.”

Poe swallows the lump in his throat and takes the bottle from Leia. “I think we both know that isn’t the happy ending we’re gonna get.”

“Then let’s just get drunk instead,” Leia says, taking the bottle back.

“No arguing outta me.”

~

“Hey.”

“Go away,” Poe rolls over in his bed.

“My mom and dad said I should give this to you.”

Poe sits up and looks at his friend. His friend isn’t smiling, but his lips are closed together in a surprisingly open position. His hair, as always, is shaggy in his face and his eyes are glassy and Poe suspects his friend could cry at any second. He’s holding a brown jacket in his hands. Poe holds out his hands and his friend approaches, handing him the jacket.

“Thanks,” Poe says, feeling the tears fall from his face. He’s thirteen years old and he feels stupid being a crybaby.

“You know,” his friend sits on the side of the bed next to Poe. “Mom said you are coming to stay with us. Well, I’m not really going to be around much anymore. But you can come visit me with them any time you want.”

Poe brushes his fingers over the folds on the arms of the jacket, the red pocket fold on the front, the zipper teeth. He brings it up to his face and smells oil and dirt and sweat. Much to Poe’s surprised, he’s comforted by holding it, rather than sad at the sight of it in his lap. He puts it on and of course it’s too big for him. But it’s his jacket now.

“I’m sorry your dad died, Poe,” his friend puts his arm on his back.

Poe wraps his arms around himself, feeling the leather of the jacket move over itself when the sleeves touch. “Thanks for bringing me my father’s jacket.”

“I know you think of me as a little kid, but sometimes I do the right thing.”

Poe snickers just a little bit. “Sometimes.”

~

His friend opens the small box Poe brought for him. He takes out the small jar and holds it in his hand. “What is this?”

“It’s a jar of dirt, from home.” Poe smiles. “Last time I visited you said you missed it so much so I thought…I thought if you have a little bit of it with you here that it wouldn’t hurt so bad.”

“This is STUPID!” His friend throws the jar against the wall. Dirt and glass shatters around the room, pieces skittering to a stop against Poe’s boots.

Poe’s hands are shaking as he watches his friend staring at the mess he made. He recognizes that his friend feels terrible about destroying the gift, but his friend has never been this aggressive before. His friend has never intentionally hurt anything or anyone before, and he’s never been mean to Poe. His best friend just destroyed his gift.

“I’ll go.”

“Poe, wait. No I’m so sorry!” His friend sits on the floor, right in the middle of the dirt and glass. “I don’t know why I did that. It’s just…he told me that I have to forget where I came from. That I should just move on. But it’s stupid because he doesn’t know you. He doesn’t and I wasn’t thinking and I ruined it.”

Poe sits down next to his friend, feeling a shard of glass cut into his thigh, but he doesn’t wince. “Your best friend comes to visit you for your birthday and gives you a jar of dirt. Yeah, it was stupid.”

“No, Poe I’m…thanks.” His friend turns and smiles at him. “This is the best twelfth birthday anyone on this planet has ever had.”

Poe reaches over and touches his friend’s knee. “You’re welcome.”

~

“HOLY CRAP THAT HURTS!” Poe yells, coughing again and holding his neck. “Why would you ever do that?”

His friend laughs. “Because I can. It’s fun. I wasn’t going to kill you, Poe.” His friend approaches him and puts his hands on Poe’s shoulders. “I would never hurt you.”

Poe bites his lip, suddenly overcome by the urge to want to kiss him. He is fifteen now, he knows what kissing is. He hasn’t kissed anyone yet. Leia kissing him on the forehead when he has a nightmare about his parents dying doesn’t count. He wants to run his fingers through the dark, curly hair and taste his mouth. He’s seen the holomovies, he’s read about it in books. He’s even seen a few naughty ones. All he wants to do is kiss the friend who just tried to kill him.

~

“The Resistance will not be intimidated by you!”

He tried so hard to push Kylo Ren out of his mind. The black swirling tendrils dance through his thoughts. They swim through his recent encounters with friends and fellow Resistance workers, the dig into his own shame and pain and feelings. They fly past his mother and his kite and his father punching a hole in the wall.

They start to chase him down the hall and suddenly stop. For a brief moment, Poe feels like he can push Kylo Ren out of his mind, but instead the swirls find BB-8 and grab him, pulling the information out of him slowly and painfully. Even though he didn’t actually lose the memories, the sensation of having someone so thoroughly reach through them is so profound, so violating, that he isn’t even sure how to feel. So instead he throws up on the floor, as if that will help physically expel the trail he left behind in his head.

~

Poe wakes up covered in sweat and wanting to throw up. He leans over the bed but the feeling passes. His head hurts. He feels his body and realizes he is still wearing his clothes. He’s not in his room. Someone is patting his back and cooing at him. He recognizes her voice.

“Poe, darling…”

Leia is trying to comfort him. He remembers coming to visit her, and then drinking and taking pain medication. He must have passed out. He sits up and sees that she’s managed to change into her typical Resistance green pants and vest. Her hair is still a mess, but it’s a start. “I’m fine.”

“You kept yelling in your sleep, woke me up.”

“Is it lunch yet? I have to go to therapy.”

“It’s past dinner,” Leia smooths his hair. “I’m glad you came to visit me. I remember when your father died and you would crawl into bed with me and Han to fall asleep. Yeah, you were a little too old, but it was nice. I missed Ben and it felt good to take care of you.”

“You always take care of me,” Poe says. 

“What has this one about?”

Poe swallows, his mouth and throat dry. “When Kylo Ren took me off Jakku and tortured me. He had his Stormtroopers work me over, he reached into my mind…”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Leia, after Finn told me who Kylo Ren really is, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.” Poe gets up slowly, feeling dizzy and his leg weak, and walks to his chair. “I can’t stop thinking about him reaching into my head and reading my thoughts.”

“Poe…”

“Do you think he remembered me?” Poe looks at Leia from his chair. “Do you think he remembered me at all? The day we met, the time he broke my arm, when he brought me dad’s jacket after the funeral. What about all those times Han let me fly the Falcon and he would sit co-pilot? Reading stories or running around the Senate hallways and trying to spy on the protocol droids to find out if they had to use the toilet? Or each time we would go visit him on Coruscant while he was training? Our camping trips? Does he remember any of it?”

Leia sighs. “I have to believe that.”

Poe shakes his head. “I can’t. I don’t. He was in my head. He knew who I was and he didn’t even care. He was going to have me killed if it wasn’t for Finn breaking me out. He killed his own father, Leia. Ben is dead.”

“You can’t let yourself think that, don’t let that light go out,” Leia asks. She reaches down and holds his cheeks in her hands and its only now that Poe realizes he’s been crying. 

“You aren’t just a good pilot, or the hope of the Resistance. You are my hope, Poe. Please.”

Poe lowers his head into her hands and cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I've been waiting since the beginning to get to this plot point and I've never been sure when to drop it, hence why this chapter took me a bit longer than usual. 
> 
> Also just in case I suck at writing, Poe did not have sex with Leia, he just passed out drunk in her bed. He sees her as a mother figure. Okay? Good.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shubuntu calls out Poe for the pain medication and cuts him off. Finn comforts his friend in his time of need.

Five days later…

“Thanks,” Poe says, taking the bottle from Shubuntu. 

“Hey, Poe,” Finn approaches him, patting him on the back. “You want to come out to the range with us? I keep hearing that you are a crack shot.”

Perhaps blasting the crap out of some targets would help. He has practically avoided Finn, or anyone else, outside of meals and therapy and trips to the shower in the past week. This morning, Snap called him on it and told him to start talking to people, especially Finn. He said something about Finn feeling like he wasn’t welcome in their room and that all Poe did was sleep, eat and occasionally spend a long time in the showers. Snap found that amusing, as if Poe was the only male in the entire galaxy to have ever jerked off in the shower.

“He’ll join you soon,” Shubuntu says. Finn nods goodbye and leaves the medical bay. 

“He’s healing very well,” Poe remarks. “In the mornings he moves like an old man, but he’s doing alright.”

“Poe, you’ve been taking a lot of these pills,” Shubuntu says. “Your scan yesterday says your leg is healing very well. In fact, I’m taking the wheelchair back. You can keep the crutch for another week but you have to use that leg more.”

“I’m…okay well maybe I’m taking too many.” Poe hands her the bottle. “I, well, these days I’d rather be asleep. I just want to make sure I can take care of Finn, work on my exercises outside of therapy. It’s painful. I know, I know I’m pushing myself to get back to flying.”

She pockets the bottle. “Now, you’ve taken quite a few of these in the past few weeks. Enough that the next few days are going to be difficult. You will feel sick. I suggest you sleep through it.”

“I’m not like, it’s not…Shubuntu I’m fine.”

“You can’t fool me, Mr. Dameron. I’ve patched you up one too many times. When you came back from Jakku I practically had to strap you down to give you medication. If you don’t figure this out, I’m going to have you grounded from duty for a very long time. That’s a shame, because the Resistance needs you.”

He nods and limps out of the room, grabbing his cane on the way.

~

He feels nauseous, but he lines up the sight and takes the shot, blowing the old scrap metal away.

“That, boys and girls, is how you do it,” Poe says, handing the blaster to one of the gunners of the Resistance, Barclay. He’s been with the Resistance since shortly before his mission to Jakku, so Poe hasn’t really gotten to know him much. But he’s heard good things. He’s the Captain of his squad and he’s been in a few skirmishes.

“Not too shabby, Dameron,” he replies. “It’s a good thing you are one of those flyboys, otherwise I’d probably lose my spot as Captain.”

Barclay’s smile is what catches Poe’s eye. He has full red lips and perfectly straight white teeth. His skin is slightly tan from spending all his time outdoors shooting and fighting on the ground. He’s only a few inches taller than Poe, but with broad muscular shoulders that makes him seem even taller. He has dark black hair and a five-day beard that is just scruffy enough that Poe can imagine the stubble-burn on his own face. He can’t help but look Barclay up and down, watching him secure the safety on the blaster.

His stomach lurches. He quickly reaches for his canteen on the ground and takes slow sips. Shubuntu said he’d feel sick and he hasn’t taken any pain meds since last night when he ran out. He limps over to a large rock, sitting down in the shade. The sun must be making the planet spin around him. Yeah, that’s it.

“Hey,” Finn comes and sits next to him, BB-8 rolling up alongside. “You okay?”

Poe nods. “She took my wheelchair, kinda hurts.”

“The stories about you seem to be true,” Finn says with a laugh. “I’m learning a lot by watching the gunners.”

“It’s very dangerous,” Poe says.

“I mean, I’m not sure. Snap says he’d be willing to teach me to fly. Maybe…” he swallows loudly. “Maybe you could teach me?”

Poe throws up on Finn’s shoes for the second time in his life.

~

“Thanks, guys,” Finn says to some of the gunners, closing the door to their bedroom and turning back to Poe. “Good thing they were around to carry you back. I lean over to scratch my leg and I can’t move for an hour.”

Poe instantly covers his head with a blanket and snuggles into his bed. “Can you stay?” He regrets asking, he doesn’t want Finn to stay. He should be alone right now.

“Of course, sure, yeah. Uhm…” Finn sits on his bed. “There’s a full canteen of water next to you and a bucket on the floor. I could ask Shubuntu…”

“No,” Poe groans. “It’s just a bug or something. I’ve had it before. I’m fine.”

BB-8 chitters from the floor about what a load of crap that is and that Poe never gets sick. Poe detects a hint of worry in 8’s binary. He loves that little droid.

“Do you need anything?” Finn asks softly.

“No, just stay here,” Poe nearly whines. His leg hurts. His stomach hurts. His bones hurt. “Do you mind not playing the data box? And can you turn on the fan, it’s hot in here.”

“Sure, of course.” Poe soon feels the breeze from the fan across the room. “Can I read one of your books?”

Poe grunts in approval and hears Finn shuffling through the books on the shelf, taking one out and paging through before replacing it. It’s a noise Poe knows anywhere. “You know,” Poe croaks. “There was an amazing library on Coruscant. Huge. I was there when I was a kid. Books smell so amazing.”

“What’s a library?” Finn asks, sitting on the edge of Poe’s bed. He can feel the sink of the mattress under Finn’s weight.

Poe sticks his head out of the sheets and sees Finn looking at him with interest. “It’s a place where they keep books. Not holopads or programs, but books printed on paper. My mom used to read them to me when I was little. Most of those are hers. I kept them after she died.”

“I’m sorry,” Finn says, looking at the book in his hands. “When we were little, sometimes adult Captains or Stormtroopers would read us stories about the old battles and victories of the Sith Lords and Darth Vader. I guess it was part of our indoctrination, but I actually liked sitting in the circle and looking at all the pictures. The battles were exciting.”

“I wonder how accurate they were,” Poe says, instantly feeling like a jerk for stomping on one of the few happy memories from childhood Finn ever shared with him.

“Oh, they were bad,” Finn laughs. “When training was hard, at the end of the day they’d read us the stories. It was the only thing that ever made me feel better. When we were really little, like my first memories, us kids would cuddle together.” He turns to Poe and holds up the book he chose. “Can I read this to you?”

It’s the book Ben gave him when he broke his arm.

“Yeah, buddy,” Poe swallows. “I’d like that.”

~

“Hand me the torque wrench,” his father says.

Poe searches the box and finds the right tool, handing it to his father. He loves watching his father work on ships or fighters or carriers. He concentrates so hard on what he’s doing, his fingers nimble. He always gets grease and dirt on his jacket, but never his face. Poe remembers his mom helping work on her fighter, before she died. She always had smudges on her face. She would laugh and swear sometimes, but never Kes Dameron. He was silent when he worked, putting every ounce of concentration possible into the job at hand.

Poe feels a huge hand on his back to see Chewbacca standing over him. Chewie doesn’t scare him anymore, not like when he was eight and first came out to the city. Now Chewie is just the fun friend who comes to visit Ben and his family every few weeks and he gives the best hugs because he’s so big and furry and even though Poe is too old for bedtime stories, he and Ben curl up on Chewie’s lap and pretend they understand what he’s reading them. Poe actually can understand most of what he says now. Chewie says something about Mr. Solo wanting to see him in the cockpit and that he’d help Kes finish.

Poe makes a mad dash through the Millennium Falcon, running as fast as he can to the cockpit. He loves the way his footsteps sound on the metal grating floor in the halls. It’s become very familiar to him and it feels like those sounds belong there. Like he belongs there. When he gets there, he sees Han sitting in the captain’s chair with seven-year-old Ben on his lap. They are pretending to fly the Falcon and evade pirates.

“Poe, kid,” Han turns around. “Come be our co-pilot.”

“Yes, sir,” Poe says, gently settling in the chair next to them.

Poe plays for almost an hour, doing everything Mr. Solo said. He tried to commit each control and each action to memory, waiting until the day he’s old enough to actually co-pilot with Mr. Solo. Someday he will be old enough to return to Yavin-4 and buy back his mother’s fighter that his father sold in order to move to the city. In fact, Poe was concentrating so hard that he hadn’t noticed his father had been seated behind them for the past thirty minutes, smiling and watching his son be happy.

“Alright, time to go back. Chewie and I will get this finished tomorrow,” Mr. Solo says, standing up.

“POE DID YOU SEE THAT?” Ben laughs and smiles. “We flew my daddy’s ship! Well, we pretended. But maybe when we grow up we can fly it for REAL.”

“You are a good pilot,” Poe smiles.

“Nah, you are the pilot, Poe Dameron. I’m gonna be a Jedi when I grow up, just like my uncle!” Ben takes Poe’s hand. “Let’s go get some Fizz Syrup!”

Poe is ten years old, he’s too old to hold hands with a little kid. But Ben grips tight and doesn’t let go, and Poe finds his small hand fits perfectly in his.

~

“This is really nice,” the girl says, scooting herself just a little closer to Poe.

Antoinette is a girl from his class. She has long blonde hair straight down her back tonight and a long, flowing pink dress. Pink as her lips. She’s a Senator’s daughter so she constantly dresses like a diplomat on duty. Poe looks at her, up and down. Her dress is low cut, showing off the swells of her breasts. He likes that. He likes the round, creamy skin. Poe wonders just how soft it is, just what it tastes like. He turns to her and leans in, but stops. This does not feel right. He knows how kissing works, he’s fifteen and he’s seen the films. But he doesn’t really want to be kissing her. 

“I, uh, gotta go,” he stands up. “Thanks for having dinner with me.”

He ignores her protest as he walks away. He doesn’t want to kiss Antoinette. All he can think of is Ben and his dark eyes and soft curls and his warm hand and how much he wants to see him. But he’s on Coruscant training to be a Jedi and Jedi’s don’t kiss pilots.

Not that Poe wants to kiss Ben. 

~

“Miss Leia?”

“Come in,” she says softly.

Poe walks into the sitting room where Leia and Han are seated together on a large couch. They both look…different. Leia’s eyes are red and Han looks lost. The air in the room is so thick and heavy and Poe wants to turn away and run. He wants to punch a hole in the wall. He wants these feeling to stop and go away and he wants to make them smile. The people who took him in

Instead, he sits down between them. “Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no kid,” Han says, voice just about the crack. “It’s about Ben.”

“What happened?” Poe fists the hem of his shirt, the air almost unbreathable now.

“There was an attack,” Han begins. “The Darkside has returned. They went to the Jedi school and…they hurt people.”

“Who?” Poe doesn’t want to know, he doesn’t want to know. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Leia speaks, tears streaming down her face. “Ben is dead.”

Poe doesn’t remember if the shouts and chokes and sobs came from him or her. He remembers the feeling of warm arms holding him and a hand on his back, rubbing in soft circles just like his mother used to.

~

“Shhh, Poe, it’s okay. I’m right here.”

Poe feels a hand on his back, rubbing in soft circles, just like him mother used to do. Just like Leia used to do. But this hand is bigger and stronger. He blinks his eyes open to see that he’s in bed. The sheets are wet, he’s freezing and he wants to throw up again. But he feels the hand on his back. And he feels the dip in the mattress behind him. He smells the motor oil lingering on the jacket and another sweet and warm musk that’s new and so comforting. It’s Finn. Finn is laying down behind him and rubbing his back and comforting him.

“Finn?” Poe croaks.

“I’m here, I’m right here,” Finn keeps rubbing. “I sent BB-8 to get Shubuntu to make a house call.”

“Finn, man, I’m freezing.” Poe curls the blanket around him tighter.

“I got you.” Finn’s voice is so soft, so soft. It’s warm and it feels like home. Finn begins to shift behind him when BB-8 bursts into the room with Shubuntu and Snap. Poe feels Finn shift away from him, but his hand stays on his back.

“What’s going on?” Shubuntu comes into Poe’s line of sight. 8 is right next to her, while Snap sits on Finn’s bed and looks at his friend with concern.

“I’m fine, just a stomach thing,” Poe manages to say. “I don’t want to go back to the medical bay.”

“And I’m not letting you infect anyone else,” she says. She rolls him onto his back and begins to examine him. Finn’s hand moves to his shoulder, never breaking contact. Poe rolls his head so he can see Finn and it makes him want to cry. Finn looks so worried, but he’s putting on a smile on for Poe.

“What’s wrong with him?” Snap asks.

“It is a virus, humans get these. He’ll be better in a few days.” Shubuntu stands. “Make sure you drink plenty of water for the next few days. Try to eat. I will put in a special order at the mess and your friends can bring it to you.”

“Is it contagious, doc?” Snap asks.

“Maybe,” she replies.

“I’m already sick then, I’ve been laying here taking care of him for the past three hours,” Finn says. “Snap, would you pick up food for us?”

“Sure, I’ll bunk with the rest of the squadron for a few nights.” Snap gets up. “Thanks doc.”

She moves to the door. “Mr. Dameron, I expect to see you for therapy and a check up in two days. Until then, eat and drink. No medication, could make it worse.”

Poe instantly rolls back onto his side when she leaves. BB-8 tells him that he has to report back to communications for updates to his system and tells him to have Finn get help if he needs it. 

“I’m fine, 8. Remember that time on Quatrine Prime? I was ten times worse off and I didn’t have a medical bay,” Poe snorts. “Go get your updates.”

“Hey,” Poe feels Finn lay back down behind him and adjusts his blanket around him. “Still cold?”

“Hmm,” he replies.  
He feels Finn adjust himself in the bed so that he’s lying just behind Poe. He feels Finn’s hand go to his back again, rubbing in slow and soft circles and suddenly Poe would do anything in the galaxy to make sure that he never stops. “You were crying.”

“What?”

“In your sleep,” Finn says, nearly on a whisper into his ear. “You started crying. I was reading the book and you fell asleep almost right away, but I kept reading. Then you started crying so I climbed into the bed to comfort you. I’ve never done that before, comforted someone. But it just felt like this is how to do it.”

Poe bites the inside of his cheek. “Thanks.”

“I have bad dreams now,” Finn says. “I didn’t used to, back when I was a Stormtrooper. But ever since I left, I have them.”

“I never hear you crying out or waking up,” Poe replies. “If I knew, I’d help you. I’m always right here, Finn.”

“What I mean is, there is part of me that wants to talk about them. And another part of me that wants to forget them.” Finn clears his throat. “I guess what I’m saying it, maybe you feel that way too?”

“We all do,” Poe says, suddenly feeling overwhelmed but knowing his body is too rubbery to attempt to get out of bed and leave. He can’t leave Finn right now. “If you need to talk…”

“I’m fine. Right now, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Let’s just get you better. Do you want me to keep doing this?”

“Yes, please.” Poe feels his eyes sting with tears and it makes him feel selfish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Poe has only been taking pain meds for about 10 days or so, so detoxing from the pills isn’t going to be that bad (I’ve asked an actual addition counselor) but just because he isn’t taking pain medication doesn’t mean he won’t replace it with other stupid things ;)
> 
> Also, we are going to get into some explicit stuff in the next few chapters and a couple of time jumps. Luke trained with Yoda for about a year, so Rey's going to be gone for a while and as of right now, I'm planning on ending this story when Rey returns.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn takes care of Poe.

“Thanks,” Poe says from his position sitting on the edge of Finn’s bed.

“You don’t have to keep thanking me, I get it.” Finn finishes making Poe’s bed with fresh linens. He bunches up the dirty, sweat-soaked ones on the floor next to the door. He turns to Poe. “You need a shower and a change of clothes. The showers are just down the hall, and it’s late so nobody else should be there. Won’t have to worry about getting anyone sick.”

“I’m fine,” he resists. “You can go if you have somewhere else to be.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Finn says, turning to dig through Poe’s drawers.

“No, I mean it. You’ve been making friends, you can…”

“You’re my friend, and you need me.” Finn turns around with a pile of Poe’s sleeping clothes in his hands. “I’ll walk you there and back. Come on, I’m not sleeping with you smelling like that.”

Poe reluctantly grabs his crutch and walks with Finn down the hall to the showers. Thankfully there is nobody in the hall or the shower room to see him, even though he knows word of him being sick has probably spread through the whole base. When they get to the shower room, Poe sees himself briefly in the mirror. He looks so small and meaningless in the expansive room. It’s pitiful, really. He’s drenched in sweat, with his hair plastered to his forehead. He’s pale with rings under his eyes. Even the scar on his cheek is pale. He’s got about three days of beard going on. Maybe he should keep it. He’s never had a beard before. His father looked very handsome with a beard, he probably would too.

“I’m actually going to shower, too,” Finn says, setting Poe’s clean clothes in front of a stall on the bench. “I’ll just go to the next stall so if you need anything…”

Poe nods and watches Finn walk over to the next stall. The walls between the showers come up to Poe’s shoulders so he can still see Finn and Finn can see him. If they both stand right next to the dividers, they could look over and see each other. Not that they need to. Or want to. He happens to know because he has seen others eyeing each other, and maybe once or twice he’s peeked at someone while they had soap in their eyes. Civilians and fighters share the shower rooms here, there aren’t enough to go around. Poe makes sure to look anywhere but where Finn is so he doesn’t see him undress. Instead he focuses on removing his own clothing and setting his crutch on the bench before limping into the shower.

The upside to being on a base on a planet with water is that the showers don’t have time limits and it is real water, nothing sonic or fake. Poe spends a minute getting the temperature of the water just perfect before ducking his head underneath and it feels absolutely incredible. He closes his heads and tilts his face directly into the stream and lets out a moan.

“You okay?” Finn asks.

“Better than sex,” Poe remarks, truly feeling much better than he did earlier.

“I’m glad you are enjoying it,” Finn says, lathering himself up with soap retrieved from the dispenser on the wall in front of him. “I mean, the shower. Sex, I uhm, I mean. Yeah.”

Poe wants to ask more questions. He wants to know if Finn ever touches himself or if he even knows what sex is. If Finn is attracted to men or women or aliens with six tentacles and five eyes. Poe wants to know if Finn’s ever held hands or kissed anyone. But he stops himself. It’s not his business, even if it is a welcomed distraction. The last thing he wants to do is make Finn upset. There’s something very enticing about knowing more about Finn, despite how many alarms keep going off inside his head.

Instead, Poe gets soap from his own dispenser and lathers his hair, scratching his fingernails to the scalp to try to remove the layer of sweat and filth he feels covered in. He’s showered since he’s been out of the medical bay, but he was always in a hurry or there were people waiting in line. Now he could take all the time in the world. He lathers his shoulders and collarbone, stopping to wash his armpits before moving back to his chest. He gets more soap before moving further below, washing his privates and his thighs perfunctorily. He examines the scar on his shin from where the bone broke through. It’s jagged and puffy, but surprisingly not gruesome. He examines his calves and realizes just how atrophied is broken leg has become. All he did was take pain pills and sleep outside of therapy when he should have been trying to get back to flying shape. Once he’s better he’s going to give therapy the honest try and get back in the cockpit as soon as he can. This is a war and he won’t be sidelined. His parents would be disappointed. Leia would be disappointed. Han would be disappointed.

Poe quickly rinses himself off and gets out of the shower. He dries off in record time and puts on the clean clothes Finn brought him, choosing to wait for Finn on a bench closer to the door to give him privacy. He hears Finn whistling a tune that sounds very familiar as the chill and sweats begin to creep over his body, making the shower he just had fucking pointless. He starts to breathe in and out slowly, hoping he can physically will himself to stop sweating. He’s concentrating so hard that he doesn’t notice that Finn’s already out and dressed until he puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Let’s get you back in bed. Hopefully Snap has dropped off dinner. You need to eat something.”

Sure enough, Snap had dropped off a tray of food for them while they were gone along with a note telling Finn to take care of Poe and let him know if they need anything else. Poe sits on the edge of his bed and takes the bread Finn offers. Finn sits on the edge of his bed, facing Poe, and digs into his plate like he hasn’t eaten in a week.

“Feeling better?” Finn asks between bites.

“So far,” Poe says. “I uhm, thanks.”

“We’re friends, isn’t this what we do?” Finn asks. “One night, Jessica got wasted playing cards and Kare held her hair back while she puked in a trash can in the mess. I helped Kare take her back to her bunk and stayed with them for a while to make sure Jessica didn’t throw up more.”

“She does that,” Poe replies. “She has zero tolerance. Say, you don’t let them take your money, do you?”

Finn shrugs. “Snap gave me five once so I could join in.”

“Snap’s a good guy,” Poe replies, making a mental note to pay his friend back the five he gave to Finn. Surprisingly, the bread is staying down. He’s not willing to risk any more in his stomach and sets the plate on the floor. He reaches for the canteen and takes a few sips of water. “Snap could take you flying, too. If you are just going to fly along you could get Shubuntu to clear you for that I’m sure.”

“I’ll wait to fly with you again.”

Poe scratches his chin with his fingers. He feels uncomfortable being complimented, especially by Finn tonight. He doesn’t deserve it. “Okay buddy. The moment I get cleared you and I will take a flight.”

Finn smiles, setting his now empty plate on the floor next to Poe’s. “That means a lot.”

“Is that why you are taking care of me? So I’ll take you flying?” Poe smirks.

“Yep,” Finn laughs. “Poe you’re still sweating. Lay down.”

He does exactly that. Finn gets up and pulls a sheet over him. “Seriously,” Poe says.

“Yeah, seriously.” Finn sits on the edge of the bed. “I know it wasn’t the best of circumstances, but man I liked flying in the TIE fighter.”

Poe smiles. “That thing did handle pretty awesome. I wish I would have had more time to really let that baby fly, practice some maneuvers. Take her for a real spin.”

“We should totally steal another one.”

Poe opens his eyes and looks at Finn, who is leaning ever so slightly closer to Poe. “You’d go back just to steal a TIE?”

“Only if you promise to help me.” Finn looks right at him, mouth open just slightly, with a look on his face that Poe can’t quite place. Confusion? Apprehension? But before he can figure it out, Finn clears his throat. “I could read you another book?”

“I wouldn’t mind getting to know more about you,” Poe says. Nope, stupid idea. Shut up Poe. Don’t talk.

Finn shrugs. “Not really much to say. I was probably just a year or two when I was taken by the First Order. Grew up being trained to do what I was told. To fight. All those things.”

“Did you have friends?”

“I did, yeah. Well, nothing like the friends I have here. We worked so much that he didn’t have time to socialize or really get to know each other, but some of us came up through basic training together and ended up in the same units.” Finn stands up and moves to the dresser, pulling out his drawer and finding his own sleeping clothes. “I’m going to change.”

Poe watches Finn walk into the tiny bathroom at the end of the room and closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to feel so sick, he doesn’t want to be taken care of. All he wants now is to get in his fighter and fly away. He needs to blow something up, kill some troopers. Something. They must be building another Starkiller base, right?

Finn comes out of the bathroom and throws his dirty clothes on the pile of dirty bedsheets. His sleeping clothes are linen grey drawstring pants and a white shirt that is clearly a size too small. Resources are tight and that’s probably all they could give him until they get to go off-world and start the supplies runs again. Poe notices just how muscular Finn is, and that’s after a coma and limited physical movement. Certainly not working out.

Poe feels his stomach flipping inside him and he really hopes it’s the bread. “Bucket?”

Finn rushes to his side, holding the bucket up for him. “Here you go, Poe.” Poe leans over the edge of the bed and throws up, bile stinging his nose and the backs of his eyes. This fucking sucks, he thinks. But soon Finn puts his hand on his back and rubs in slow circles and it feels better. After a few more minutes of retching, Finn puts the bucket next to the bed and hands Poe the canteen. “Slow sips…” he warns.

Poe drinks and curls up on his right side facing the wall of his room. As if he read his mind, Finn hands Poe a pillow to hug. He closes his eyes tightly and focuses on breathing in and out, in and out. He feels the mattress bow behind him and the addition of weight. Finn’s body is just close enough to his that he can feel Finn’s body heat but they aren’t touching. Finn drapes the sheet over his and goes back to rubbing circles between his shoulder blades.

“You should consider a job in medical bay.” Poe croaks out. “Taking care of sick people. You’re good at it.”

“When we were little, the Captains or the older Stormtroopers would sometimes take care of us if we got sick or hurt. Sometimes they would even tuck us in at night.” Finn exhales slowly and Poe feels the breeze on the back of his neck. It sends a shiver down his spine. “It was probably part of getting us to trust them, and once we were five they stopped. I remember it, though. I broke my leg as a little kid in training and this one Trooper brought me these frozen juice sticks every night before bed and would tell me stories about battles he had fought in.”

The vulnerability Finn is exposing to Poe isn’t lost on him. The sadness in Finn’s voice in enough to break Poe’s heart. Poe takes a deep breath, resisting the urge to say something terrible about his former life out of anger. Finn doesn’t need anger right now, he needs acceptance. Poe may not be able to offer Finn much, but he can at least try to give him that.

“I’m glad you made if off Jakku, and I’m glad you are joining up,” Poe says.

“I’m glad you made if off Jakku too,” Finn says softly, briefly pausing his hand as he talks. 

“Thanks for saving the jacket.”

“It was an accident, really,” Finn admits. “I found the fighter and I reached in to grab you but I only found the jacket. I didn’t realize you had taken it off in the fighter until I saw you here and figured it out.” How did you get off Jakku?” 

Finn shifts his weight and stops rubbing the circles in his back. Poe all but whimpers at the loss of touch.

“After I ejected, I wandered in the desert for hours. A scavenger picked me up and I managed to sweet talk my way into a ride into a nearby trading post. From there, I found a Resistance sympathizer that got me off the planet.” Poe feels bad about omitting the exact nature of his ‘sweet talk’ which was more tongue and ass than talk, but he’d hate for Finn to be disappointed in him. Poe’s actually disappointed in himself. “Luck, I guess. Me getting a ride off Jakku, you finding BB-8 and Rey and the Millennium Falcon.”

“Feeling better?” Finn asks, shifting around again and soon presenting Poe with his canteen.

Poe drinks, passing it back. “Yes, feeling much better.” He wants to ask for Finn to touch him again, perhaps to hold him. He both wants it and wants to run, it’s entirely too frustrating. The feeling sends chills through his body and fills his muscles with anxiety. He wants to scream.

He feels Finn settle back into his position behind him. “I…is it okay if I stay next to you until you fall asleep? I just want to make sure you fall asleep.” He puts his hand back on Poe’s back. “Of course I’ll go back to my bed, if you want.”

Poe nods. “That would help.”

‘You’re my friend, and you need me’ Finn had said. Poe hates to think how true that really is.

~

Poe wakes up slowly, head pounding and mouth dry. The room is dark and he’s finally warm. His damp clothes and hair sticks to him and he feels something heavy and hot on his chest. He takes a deep breath in and out, attempting to lighten the pressure. He blinks a few times and smacks his lips, wishing he had water. His eyes start to adjust and that’s when he sees 8’s nightlight in the corner of the room, casting a dim light across his bed. He must have come back at some point while Poe was asleep.

Finn is asleep on his side next to Poe. He’s at arm’s length, but his arm is reaching out to Poe and resting on his chest. Poe reaches up and brushes over the top of Finn’s hand with his fingers, gently placing his hand on top. He closes his eyes and feels that warm familiar feeling bloom in his chest and shoot through his body. He could pull Finn closer. He could wrap him up in his arms and legs and keep him from leaving.

They always leave, either by choice or by force.

Instead Poe slides out from under Finn’s hand and manages to get up and limp his way into the bathroom. Once inside, he closes the door and turns on the dim light. He runs the water in the sink, cupping his hands to bring the cold water to his lips and gulp. His thirst makes the liquid the most delicious thing he has ever tasted. He avoids the mirror and takes another drink before splashing his face and drying it with the hand towel on the counter. He thinks about what’s back in that room. Finn in his bed, right there to comfort him and rub circles in his back and make sure he’s going to be okay. In that room, Poe has a friend who is willing to put his own needs on hold to make sure Poe is okay. And that is not okay to Poe. He is not worth the risk.

When Poe leaves the small bathroom, he climbs into Finn’s empty bed and goes to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I’ve taken a bit longer to post this…I wanted this chapter to focus on relationship-building between them and not have flashbacks and it was hard. Poe lives too much in his past so writing his present is difficult.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jump forward a few weeks and the Squadrons host a camping trip in the woods near the base as a form of shore leave to cure cabin fever.

Three weeks later…

“Black Leader,” Jessica greets him as Poe sits down at their table in the mess. “You look cheerful.”

“Great,” Poe shovels some food in his face. “Shubuntu says I’m only a few more days from being cleared to fly again.”

“Great, you can take me flying,” Finn approaches the table, sliding on the bench next to Poe, wincing slightly. He pushed himself in therapy today—which was moved early so Shubuntu could deliver a baby—and had a bit of a cramp earlier. “She said I’m okay to be a passenger if I want.” 

The smile on Finn’s face is infectious and Poe can’t help but beam back. “Sure thing, buddy.”

“But tonight, we party!” Jessica raises her tea cup.

“Party?” Poe asks.

“Blue and Red Squadrons are hosting a camp out tonight near the lake. General Leia has permitted shore leave tonight as long as we take a comm box and don’t go more than an hour away from base,” Jessica says. “We’ve invited the Pathfinders that are on base as well as some in comms. As Black Leader, you are of course invited.”

“Snap asked me to come with,” Finn says proudly.

“Either you join the gunners in the Pathfinders or become a pilot,” Jessica says. “You’re one of us.”

Finn leans over to whisper in Poe’s ear. “They wanted you to be the guest of honor, but I talked them out of it.”

Poe leans away from the warm breath on his ear and mouths ‘thank you’ before taking another bite.

Ever since that first night off the pain medication, Poe has done his best to keep Finn at a physical distance. Waking up with his hand on his chest was too close, too much for either of them to handle. It was up to Poe to keep Finn from getting too deep into something he couldn’t possibly understand. But Poe does want to spend time with Finn, he wants to show Finn all of the amazing things the galaxy has to offer. But until they can go off-base, he shows them what he has. They listen to music and Poe has shared his books. Poe tells stories about different types of places all across the galaxy. It was a rough couple of days, and he craves that escape the moment he walks into the medical bay, but he hasn’t taken a pill since. He’s even avoided drinking because he doesn’t want it to prevent him from healing and getting back in a fighter. And now Shubuntu says he could demonstrate satisfactory healing in a few more sessions. Poe can go back to what he does best.

Finn has been quite busy too, being permitted to train in simulators for flying and allowed on the range to practice shooting. He still hasn’t decided where he wants to enlist, but he talks about flying and the feeling of freedom he had in the TIE Fighter or flying with Rey in the Falcon. Finn admits it may have to do more with the freedom to flee the First Order than actual flying, but he’s tipping to it. He’s still holding out for Poe to be cleared for flight before stepping into an actual fighter or ship and while honored, Poe really wishes he wouldn’t.

“I hadn’t heard of this,” Poe replies. “What’s the occasion?”

“Apparently Kare managed to trade some alcohol off some of the refugees,” Jessica adds.

“I found out after my therapy, but you had already left for the medical bay,” Finn smiles. They’ve had to reschedule the times of their sessions due to a Hosian Flu Outbreak. “Kare and Snap found this great little area off-base in the woods and built a fire pit last night.”

“Yeah, we could take some mission tents and make a whole night of it,” Jessica adds. 

“Are you discussing appropriating Resistance gear for a night of drunk camping?” Poe says, faking concern.

“I’m talking about random hookups with hot Pathfinders,” Jessica says, smiling and raising her tea cup in a mock toast. “Or soon-to-be Pathfinders.”

Finn almost blushes and looks down at the table. Oh, that’s interesting, Poe thinks. Does Finn have a thing for Jessica? Poe could see that—she’s very commanding in her personality and he’s probably comfortable with someone taking the lead in his life. But Jessica isn’t careful. She won’t mean to, but she’ll bowl right over him and that bothers Poe. 

“So you want your own pop tent?” Poe says. “Pitch it in the woods away from me, I don’t want to hear your sex sounds all night.”

“Like you ever keep quiet,” Jessica adds, turning to Finn. “One time we were stuck on some shit hole planet at an Inn above a bar and…”

“Keep talking and you’re fired,” Poe adds, only half-joking.

She holds up her hands. “Point made anyway.”

~

It’s just getting dark by the time Poe, Finn, Snap and BB-8 get out to the campsite. Clearly everyone else was eager to get the party started because Poe counts probably twenty tents and double the number of sleep mats and bags scattered all around the shore of the lake. There are about a dozen people seated on logs around the fire, with a droid playing music from its data storage and dancing about ever so slightly in enjoyment. Snap parts from them and finds a spot next to some of his gunner friends to set up his mat and bag. Poe insisted that he get the last tent and insisted that Finn share with him. Keep him from making a mistake with Jessica, so he could keep tabs on him and make sure he doesn’t do anything he may regret or get taken advantage of from anyone else. It doesn’t take long to set up the tent and shove their items inside.

Poe looks up to see Kare and Barclay, the gunner, approach them. “Hey, Finn, come on!” Kare holds out a bottle for him. “This one tastes like Fizzy Syrup!”

“What is that?” Finn asks, taking a sip. He smiles. “Amazing, that’s what.”

“Careful, hangovers are a bitch,” Poe remarks, turning his attention to Barclay. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. Last time I saw you, you were puking everywhere,” Barclay reaches out a hand for Poe to shake. “You don’t even have a limp anymore.”

“I’ll be back in the air before you know it,” Poe responds, looking at Barclay’s dark eyes.

Barclay’s smile sparkles back. “Get you a drink?”

Poe looks back to Finn, who seems enthralled in some joke Kare is telling him. “Sure.”

“You set up your tent in a good place,” Barclay comments. “Just on the edge of the trees. Private.”

“Yeah, well,” Poe follows him to a stack of wooden barrels next near the fire pit, a container full of random glasses, cups and mugs next to it. He reaches down and grabs one, handing it to Barclay. “I can only image how much moaning and grunting and skin slapping is gonna happen.”

Barclay takes the cup and laughs. “I’m pretty sure that’s why 90% of us are here.” He fills the cup and hands it to Poe. “I take it you aren’t a Fizzy Syrup man?”

Poe sips the drink and feels the burn do down his throat. This is such a bad idea but it tastes so good. “It’s strong but it’s definitely not sweet. Thanks.”

“I heard the General herself permitted this shore leave, so this is to her,” Barclay lifts his own glass.

“To General Organa!” Poe repeats lifting his own glass and drinking again, this time finishing the glass.

“Getting it started, I see,” Barclay says, taking the cup from Poe and refilling it. “I think we are all a little stir crazy without a mission.”

Poe takes the cup and drinks again, feeling that first hit of haze hit his brain. It’s so good, that light feeling. Alcohol always hits him that way. The first drink hits hard, then it subsides and grows back into a beautiful drunk by drink four or five. The haze is a relief and it makes him want to laugh and smile. He wants to lay on a blanket on his back under the starts and just stare and forget. He takes another sip and looks around, finding Finn standing in a circle with Snap, Kare, Jessica and a few gunners. He’s having fun. Poe should have fun, too. With Snap around, he’ll keep Jessica’s paws off Finn. Poe can just drink himself stupid and give Barclay enough eye-sex to get him laid because it’s damned obvious that Barclay wants to fuck him.

“Between the therapy and waiting to fly, I’ve been a bit pent up,” Poe comments. “Feels good to get off base.”

Barclay laughs again, stepping casually closer to Poe. “I’ve run so many drills in this damned forest I have the bark on the trees memorized.”

“So you know all the private places around here, then,” Poe smiles, licking his lips and sauntering away from Barclay and towards his group of friends, who are now settling around the fire pit. He makes eye contact with Finn and sees him smile so big and warm and he sobers up for a moment. 

This night could go terribly wrong.

~

“So then I see this X-Wing damned near DANCING in the sky, swooping and twirling and taking out Troopers left and right with perfect aim. Pow pow!” Finn makes blaster gestures with his hands. “I started wooping and hollering!”

“That’s Poe, what a fucking show off,” Jessica remarks, laughing so hard she almost falls off her log and into the fire, but Finn catches her.

“Meanwhile I had no idea Finn was even alive, let alone that he was the guy I was trying not to aim,” Poe adds, finishing his fourth drink. “I just saw something down there not in white and figured I could help out.”

BB-8 chitters something about how it was meant to be, and Poe just laughs it off.

“So what’s it like, being a Stormtrooper?” Snap asks, very clearly drunk. He’s got some young woman on his lap that Poe doesn’t recognize. A refugee perhaps? She’s got blue skin and black hair and Poe can’t quite place the species, but makes sense. Snap’s always had an alien fetish.

Finn quickly downs his drink---his third since they got here Poe counts. Might have to cut him off. “Not nearly as awesome as this.”

“You don’t have to…” Jessica starts, putting a hand on his back. 

“I don’t know my parents. Do I have a brother or sister? Fuck if I know. I grew up sharing a room with about fifty other kids. One time, as part of our training, they sprayed us with blood for an hour so we would learn not to react. We had to learn how to fucking run in it so we wouldn’t slip,” Finn takes Jessica’s drink from her hands, takes a long pull, and hands it back. “Long story short, being a Stormtrooper is fucked up.”

“It must hurt to be part of a group that kills them now,” Kare says, somehow the most sober of the entire group.

“I just want to end their suffering,” Finn says sadly.

Poe is about to stand up when Barclay puts his hand on his knee and leans in for a whisper. “This shit is getting depressing. Wanna take a walk?”

He thinks for a second about taking a drunk Finn back to his tent and comforting him. About how drunk he is and how he’d make some stupid mistake with his friend. It would be unforgivable to take advantage of him now, even worse than leaving him in Jessica’s horned-up clutches. Poe nods and follows Barclay into the woods. When they hit the tree line, Barclay puts his hand back and Poe takes it. Both of them can hold their alcohol, but they are also stumbling just a little bit through the woods. The moon of D’Qar is bright enough to light their path just enough so they don’t flat out trip and fall. 

Barclay stops them at a large fallen tree and sits down, pulling Poe almost on top of him. He laughs and reaches up to thread his fingers through Poe’s hair, pulling him down for a kiss. It’s sloppy and dirty and it tastes bad, like desperation. Poe parts and decides to suck on Barclay’s soft neck instead, leaving bites and marks on the nearly flawless skin. Barclay grinds his hips up into Poe and Poe grinds down back, adjusting so that both of his legs are on either side of him. They ride each other like that, fully clothed, for several minutes before Poe climbs off his lap and stands up, pulling his own clothes off as fast as he can while Barclay does the same.

“You wanna fuck me?” Barclay asks, palming his hard cock. Poe can’t tell if it’s the moonlight but it doesn’t look anything special—on the small side if anything. Barclay produces a small clear bottle in his other hand, clearly lubricant. Poe can assume that almost every person at this party brought either lube or some method of pregnancy control tonight.

“I wanna suck your cock. Then I want you to fuck me,” Poe replies.

He leans in for another sloppy and bitter kiss before dropping to his needs. Poe is such a greedy little fuck that he takes Barclay’s cock in his mouth and gags on it. Poe’s definitely sucked bigger cock, but for some reason he feels like giving to Barclay. Poe loves the feeling of someone gagging on him—that tightening of the throat over the head, the instant rush of spit inside the mouth, the humming and choking sounds, the texture on the back of the tongue sliding over the cock as he pulls out. It’s fucking incredible being gagged on, even better than deep throating. Gagging, on the other hand, is probably one of the worst sensations he can think of. His throat clamps shut as if it wants to kill him and he can’t catch his breath. His stomach lurches in anticipation of throwing up and Barclay’s pre-cum manages to swim its way into the back of his nose and makes his eyes water.

Barclay grabs some of Poe’s hair in his hand. “Gag on it.”

Poe complies, alternating his blow job between suckling the head, twisting his fingers over the shaft and shoving his cock so far down his throat that he gags over and over and it’s so fucking dirty and painful at the same time. The alcohol has his head swimming and he’s slightly oxygen deprived from gagging and he’s just out of it. He can’t think about anything else and it’s the best he’s felt in weeks.

“I’m gonna come, fuck,” Barclay pulls out. “Fuck, Poe Dameron, I’m gonna shove my tongue up that ass of yours.”

Poe leans over the downed tree trunk.

~

Ben digs his hands into the dirt under him, gasping and panting. “Fuck, Poe keep doing that.”

“Hmmm,” Poe hums in agreement, sending vibrations through Ben’s cock.

It’s the first time they’ve seen each other since that camping trip three months ago where they first kissed. First they rolled around in the grass near the fire and kissed until Poe noticed Ben’s hard-on through his Jedi training robes. Ben was the one who touched his cock first and Poe thought he was going to come like when he was alone. It felt so good that Poe suggested they try it with their mouths. They both saw this in a holobook, but neither of them have done it before. 

“Go down more,” Ben whines. “Put it all in your mouth.”

Poe pops off his cock and looks at it. It’s not as big as the ones in the holobooks and holomovies but Poe isn’t sure he can fit it all in his mouth.

“Poe Dameron,” Ben pants. 

Hearing Ben say his full name that way makes Poe’s heart swell so big it might make him explode. He’s been so close to Ben ever since they met and now these feelings are so intense and so strong that he can’t even comprehend being without Ben. 

“Ben Solo,” Poe comes off his cock. “I want you to have sex with me. Be inside me. Please.”

~

Poe blinks awake and realizes he’s cold and it’s dark. His head is still spinning and he remembers he’s drunk and he just got fucked by Barclay. From that relaxed and tingly feeling in his gut and legs, it was probably pretty good too.

“Hey, Poe, man you okay?” Barclay rolls over and pats his chest. “You blacked out on me for a few.”

“Man, gotta any more alcohol?” Poe asks, sitting up. His chest is covered in come. It’s cooling but it’s not dry, he couldn’t have been out long.

“You fucking came hard man,” Barclay says. “Don’t worry, I pulled out and came on your back. I wiped it off and you rolled onto the ground and passed out.”

Poe sits up, looking for his clothes in the dark. “Ah, I’m sorry. I really did fucking like it.”

Barclay laughs, handing Poe his shirt. “I’m drunk, you’re fucking plastered. Wanna stay here, rest up a bit and fuck again? We could switch and you could ride me into next week.”  
He pulls his shirt on and shrugs. “I typically don’t fuck the same person twice, but if it’s in the same night I make an exception.” Poe pulls Barclay in for another sloppy kiss and this time it’s even more bitter and sour. It tastes like he’s not the person he should be kissing. “But I’m thirsty.”

“Let’s go back to the tent, I think I have moss in my ass,” Barclay says.

They get dressed silently, Poe feeling surprisingly sore—even though he remembers Barclay prepping him very well—and start walking back towards the camp. Poe doesn’t take Barclay’s hand when he offers it. He’s sobering up a bit and feeling really disgusted with himself. Barclay is hot and a decent lay but it felt wrong. Poe doesn’t fuck other pilots as a general rule, since he works with them all the time, but at least a gunner is on the ground and they won’t see each other on missions. That’s not what feels wrong. It feels wrong that he’s not with someone else, someone that means something. Someone who would rub circles in his back and fall asleep next to him while he was puking. Poe hears the crack of twigs off to his right and a woman giggling. Another hook up in the trees, hopefully that one comes with less blacking out and less shame than what he just did. 

Poe decides to go back to his tent and grab a jacket and his blanket because he’d rather not get moss in his ass crack when they go back out there. As he leaves the tent, he scans the area looking for Finn. He’s about to start calling out his name when he sees Finn and Jessica emerge from the tree line on the other side of the fire pit. He’s holding Jessica’s hand and the jacket is draped over her shoulders. Finn is smiling and his clothes are clearly rumpled. 

Forgetting about the blanket or Barclay, Poe quickly crosses camp and approaches them. He ignores Finn’s greeting and grabs Jessica’s hand.

“We need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The camping trip was 2 big chapters that I had to break up so I feel like the ending of this chapter is a little too choppy, so I apologize.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Jessica square off. Finn opens up to Poe, but they are both drunk so it doesn’t mean anything. Right?

Poe decides to take the conversation to the bank of the lake, out of earshot from everyone but still in the open so that nobody gets the idea that Poe’s fucking his own pilots. He stumbles over his own boots a few times but then slows it down a little. He notices the lake is starting to spin a little bit and he wishes he could better enjoy this drunk instead of fighting and thinking.

“Shit, Poe,” Jessica laughs. “By the way you are walking and that sex hair I’d say you got pounded by the hot gunner.”

“Speaking of being pounded…what the hell are you doing wearing Finn’s jacket?”

“I’m cold,” she shies away. “Want it back?”

Poe’s head is spinning and he is now overwhelmed with the urge to cry. “Look, don’t you fuck with his head. He’s just a fucking kid and you’ll take his virginity and he’ll think you love him but you don’t and it would kill him.”

“What the fuck do you mean? Holy shit, he’s a virgin?” She covers her mouth. “That’s why he was such a wet kisser.”

“You didn’t,” Poe gasps. “You fucking slut.”

“Fuck you, Dameron,” she pushes him but it doesn’t have much effect. “First of all, after you took off with that gunner, Finn was fucking crying. He started talking about all this shit about living on Starkiller and when he noticed you were missing he got up and started running into the woods to look for you. So I went after him and we got to talking and…”

“So you fucked him. Well, I hope you enjoyed it you bitch,” Poe spits. “Take off that fucking jacket.”

He storms over to the barrels and grabs a cup, filling it with whatever is around and pounding it down. Fizzy Syrup. Disgusting. He starts to refill his cup again when Jessica runs up and slaps it out of his hands. She then reaches up and slaps him across the face and he stumbles backwards and falls on his ass in the dirt.

“Don’t you DARE call me a bitch, you ass. Now, I know we’re both drunk but seriously. Knock it the fuck off. Get over your own shit, Poe. Finn is an adult who can make his own choices and he doesn’t need a fucking babysitter. He needs you. So figure it the fuck out.”

Poe looks up to see that about seven people are watching what’s going on. He supposes the rest of the campers are all fucking and sucking off in tents or the woods. “I’ll have you thrown out of the Resistance, Pilot Kava.”

“What, because I slapped you or because you can’t deal with your own shit? I’m going to throw up and go to sleep now. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Don’t forget to piss on Finn some more, really make sure you mark your territory. Ass.”

Poe watches Jessica walk away, feeling both stupid and angry. He knows he won’t kick her out because she’s a damned good pilot, but what the hell right does she have to fuck Finn or slap him? His head is pounding and his face still stings and his ass hurts from being pounded and then slamming into the ground. All he really wants is another drink and another fuck. Or maybe someone brought a med kit with some pain medication he could steal. He looks around but he can’t find Barclay anywhere. 

“Poe, Poe?” Suddenly Finn is kneeling in front of him with his hands on his shoulders. “What did you say to her?”

He shakes his head. “Nice tits,” he laughs. “You have nice tits too, Finny.”

Finn smiles awkwardly. “You are very drunk.”

“So are you, I watched you drink like, three of them.” Poe puts his hands on Finn’s shoulders. “You want another one?”

Finn giggles, pulling Poe up to his feet. “Nah, I’m not sure if I could make it back to the tent if I had another.”

“Fuck, that’s where he is,” Poe remembers. “Barker, Butler? Barclay. He’s waiting for me in that tent. I’m gonna fuck him.”

Finn keeps his hand on Poe’s back. “Okay, I can just…I’ll crash with Jessica.”

Poe stays silent until they make it to the tent, which is empty. Poe slumps onto the blanket and pad on the floor of the tent and nearly cries. “That asshole!”

Finn collapses next to Poe, somehow his hand never leaving Poe’s back. “Sorry he ditched you.”

Poe rolls over onto his back, with Finn’s hand migrating to his chest. “I sucked his dick in the woods.”

Finn clears his throat and looks at the ground. His jaw looks tense, like he is biting his lip. “I was wondering where you went.”

“He was hot too. I let him top me. It was so good that I passed out. Bam!” Poe laughs. “It was great.”

“Are you sure it was that or being drunk?” Finn asks, sounding surprisingly sober.

“How was Jessica?” Poe asks.

“What?” Finn replies with a hint of a laugh on his breath. “You tell me. She seemed pissed at you.”

“I mean the sex. I’ve only banged a few women in my day, but I do remember how wet they get. Wet and hot. Soft too.” He sighs. “Did you lick her? Women have an interesting taste. Not so much my thing, but it’s still nice.” He wants Finn to tell him every last detail and he’s not really sure why. He just needs to feel that ache he’ll feel when Finn recounts it all. He needs to feel pain after what he did tonight.

“I didn’t fuck her,” Finn replies. “I mean, I did kiss her. We kissed for a while and it felt nice enough. But we both stopped and realized it wasn’t, well, uhm…anyway. We’re drunk. That’s not what I wanted.”

Poe rolls over on his side, with Finn doing the same so they are facing each other, Finn’s hand still on his chest. “What did you want, Finn?”

“I don’t know, I just wanted to talk to you. I just got really sad, thinking about my past. I wanted to go take a walk around the lake with you but you were gone, so I went off in the woods to find you.” Finn snickers. “I should have figured you were getting laid. People were talking about who you’d hook up with all day. Kare was taking bets, but she said she didn’t want to take my money.”

“You know how to do sex?” Poe asks, laughing.

Finn rolls his eyes. “Just because I haven’t done it, doesn’t mean I don’t know how it works. Why does everyone think I’m a baby?”

“Sorry, buddy. I guess we all assumed that Stormtroopers are, like, they don’t know about anything other than killing.” Poe says, feeling suddenly sobered up, just a little. “Let’s go for a walk around the lake in the morning. Right when the sun is coming up.”

“Let’s get some sleep then,” Finn says, parting to cover them both up with their own blankets. “I’ll set my watch. Wait, how do I do that?”

“It’s on your wrist,” Poe laughs.

Finn holds up his arm and points to it, laughing like a little kid.

~

Poe watches the rock floating over the lake. He knows his jaw is about to hit the dirt but it’s so amazing. He glances back at Ben, who is staring into the rock. His hand is up in the air, pointed out towards the rock. He’s guiding it out over the water just like he said he could. Poe looks back out to the rock.

“Watch this,” Ben says.

Soon a second rock is floating over towards the first, but much faster. Poe watches as the second rock slams into the first one, sending it skipping several times over the surface of the water before both rocks sink under the glassy surface.

“Holy crap!” Poe says, patting Ben on the shoulder. “That’s much better than last time.”

Ben smiles. “I’ve been working on it for you. I know how cool you think it is which I levitate things. Happy sixteenth Birthday, Poe Dameron.”

Poe pulls Ben into a hug. “Thanks, Ben Solo.”

He can’t help but rest his nose in the crook of Ben’s neck and smell his hair. Ever since Ben has become a padawan and moved away to train with Luke Skywalker, he’s been using this soap or something that smells like books and spice. It mixes with Ben’s scent in the most perfect way. His chest is pressed right up against Ben’s and he swears he can feel Ben’s heart pounding in his chest.

“I got you something,” Ben says softly, still holding Poe.

“Just coming on this camping trip is enough,” Poe replies, staying in the hug no matter how nervous he is. Just being around his friend now makes him nervous, like there’s always something on the edge of happening.

Ben parts from Poe, but keeps his hands on Poe’s arms. “It’s just a small cake. Master Skywalker and I went to a small planet just outside of the Keptar System a few days ago and had this. I thought you’d like it.”

“I know I will,” Poe smiles. 

They part and Poe follows Ben the dozen steps from the shore back to their fire and tent. Poe takes a seat on the blanket in front of the fire while Ben disappears into the tent for a moment, returning with a small box. “I forgot to bring anything else for serving it, so we’ll just have to take our forks and it from the box.”

Poe takes a fork from Ben and waits for Ben to sit down next to him before diving in for the cake. It tastes like spice and fresh bread and it’s amazing. Poe groans just a little as he takes another bite. “This is amazing.”

Ben takes a bite and nods. “Better than the first time I had it.” He looks over to Poe. “You have frosting on your cheek.”

Ben puts his fork down and reaches up to Poe’s cheek, wiping the frosting away. Poe stops chewing and turns to look at Ben. His chest tightens and he feels his whole body start tingling. Ben’s thumb is so soft as it sweeps over his cheek. He locks eyes with Ben. They both hold their breaths as Ben cups Poe’s jaw in his hand. Poe can’t take this feeling anymore and he leans in. Ben leans in. Holy shit, this is actually happening. They pause for a moment and give each other a reassuring look before their lips meet. Ben tastes like spice and sugar and frosting and warmth. The cake gets set on the ground at their feet; forks end up in the dirt. Poe takes his hands and cups Ben’s chin, keeping him from parting.

For the past year, Poe has known he was falling for Ben and now that Ben is kissing him, he isn’t going to let him go.

~

Poe blinks awake, feeling so thirsty he could die. He feels dizzy and sore and still a tiny bit drunk. He wonders how long he’s been asleep. He moves to sit up in the tent but he can’t because something is all over him. Finn’s arms are wrapped around him, with his chin resting in Poe’s neck. It’s so close, so close and perfect and Poe can’t. He just can’t. He turns his head and inhales Finn’s hair. It’s sweaty and dirty but there’s something so warm under all that. He wants to wake him with a kiss and taste his lips. He wants that perfect camping trip back and to never end. But it has to.

He gently moves Finn’s arms off of him and manages to stumble out of the tent without waking him. The moment he stands fully upright his head screams in protest. The sun is just starting to rise, a slight light casting down on the camp site. BB-8, who was stationed just outside the tent, wakes and asks Poe how he’s feeling.

“Where’s the water?” He croaks, making his way towards the now dead fire and boxes of gear. He digs around and finds a full canteen and drinks almost all of it in one gulp. He digs around further and finds a medical kit. He quickly tears it open and finds a syringe of pain medication. It’s heavy and cool in his hand and he knows he shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t.

“Hey.”

Poe jostles and drops the syringe back into the box. He turns around to see Jessica, still wearing the jacket, with messy hair and dark circles under her eyes. “Hey.”

“So, uhm, any water left?”

Poe hands her the canteen. “I’m still buzzed.”

“Me too,” she hands it back, empty. 

“So where does that rank in fights we’ve had?” Poe dumps the canteen in the box. “Probably in the top twenty. But at least I didn’t wrestle you to the ground and pull your hair like I did that one time on base in the hangar after you pulled that death stunt.”

She holds up her hand. “No, not this time Poe. You’ve changed. Ever since you came back from Jakku you’ve been fucked up.”

“Kylo Ren tortured me, Jessica. I’m sorry if…”

“That’s not it. I’ve seen you inches from death and bounce back just fine so don’t give me that. What the hell is going on with you?”

Poe wants to tell her all about Ben and about Finn and try to explain the pain medication but he can’t. She doesn’t deserve to be saddled with that crap. “What am I supposed to say? I got injured and drunk and I fucked up.”

“You fucked up a lot more than our fight last night. You are like a brother to me and I love you but I’m still fucking mad as hell at you. You’ve been such an asshole. I mean, last night you crossed a line. I’ve never seen you so pitiful, so hateful. Towards yourself. It hurts me, Poe. I feel like I’m watching you crash into the side of a mountain and there’s nothing I can do.”

He looks down at the dirt, feeling like he could walk into that lake and sink with the stones. He hurt one of his closest friends. “I never meant to hurt anyone else, Jessica.”  
“But you did. You know, if you would have stopped following your dick you would have seen that Finn wanted you. He was telling stories about you around that fire. The way he talked about rescuing you from the First Order made it sound like you are the one who rescued him. When he got upset, it was you he wanted to comfort him. Look, I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s an adult, not a child. You are his friend, not his keeper. He needs to make his own choices. I think he has made a choice, it’s up for you to finally see it.”

He looks back to the tent and then to Jessica. “I promised him we would take a walk this morning.”

She lets out a small smile. “Go then. BB-8 can come hang out with me while I pee in the woods. But seriously, I’m mad at you and once I’m sobered up I’m going to punch you in the face.”

Poe stares at the barrels and thinks that a quick drink would take the edge off, and without thinking he grabs a cup and gets a drink, slamming it down before turning and going back to the tent. When he gets back, Finn is still asleep. Poe wants to climb in the tent and kiss him, but he should take Jessica’s advice. Let Finn make his own choices.

“Hey, buddy,” Poe taps on Finn’s boot. “Finn, let’s go for a walk.”

“Water?” Finn asks, not moving.

~

It’s a small lake, so it doesn’t take them long to walk to the other side and find a nice, comfortable place to sit and stare out at the still water. The orange-pink sky looks so hopeful and peaceful. If Poe’s head could stop spinning he’d be able to appreciate it.

“I want to learn to fly,” Finn says from his spot sitting next to Poe. “I want to fly for the Resistance.”

“There’s a whole squadron who would be willing to teach you,” Poe responds. “I would teach you.”

“I promise I won’t let you down, Black Leader,” Finn salutes, then grimaces. “Maybe next time I’ll skip the party, I’ve never been drunk before. Or hung over.”

Poe pats Finn on the shoulder. “I’m sorry I disappeared on you last night.”

Finn shakes his head. “You enjoyed the party, Poe. You deserve some fun.”

“I heard that you were having a bad drunk, talking about the First Order.” Poe turns to face Finn. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

Finn meets his gaze and holds it. “You’re here now. And I’m sure you have a head ache and feel like throwing up just like I do so, thanks.”

“So, all that shit about your former life, you doing okay? I mean, fuck, that’s a stupid question.” Poe breaks his gaze with Finn and takes his hand away.

“As good as I can, I think. I mean sometimes it gets hard. Like last night, I’ve never been to a party and the alcohol had me thinking about all those things and I realized that there   
is all this stuff that you take for granted that I don’t even know about. No wonder everyone treats me like a baby,” Finn puts his head in his hands. “Is there a way to make this headache go away?”

Poe looks out over the water, wondering the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Remember Poe is 3 years older than Ben and that Ben was 15 when he went darkside. Moving forward, some of the flashbacks will contain sex between teenagers (consensual). I typically despise trigger warnings (don’t get me started) but some consider these types of scenes extremely inappropriate. 
> 
> **the birthday flashback takes place earlier in the day from the first camping flashback where they wake up together kissing and it takes place 3 months before the blowjob camping trip. Whew, flashbacks happening out of order are hard.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few days after that terrible camp out, Poe is cleared to fly. Finn couldn’t be more excited. But Poe isn’t the only one keeping secrets, and he’s afraid that Finn could be putting himself at risk of being hurt.

Three days later…

Poe couldn’t be more excited right now. He’s been in the hangar all morning, wearing his flight suit and tending to his X-Wing. Of course his pilots have been doing maintenance in his absence, but he likes working on it. He loves the grease and the tools and how amazing the hangar smells. Plus he needs to distract himself from waiting for Finn to change into his flight suit so they could head out.

“Hey,” Finn startles him by coming up behind him. “Ready?”

Poe turns to see Finn decked out in an orange jump suit and he smiles. “Alright man, let’s fly.”

“Where do I sit?” Finn looks up at the X-Wing.

“Nah, this only fits one. We’re going to take a training one. Snap and I took an old one and retrofitted it with two seats. It takes out the droid mount and we don’t have weapons on it, but it helps for training maneuvers.” Poe walks down to the end to the training fighter. “She’s not pretty, but she’ll teach you how to fly. I also packed up lunch so we can land somewhere on the planet instead of coming back.” That was mostly for his own benefit, now that he is cleared to fly, he wants to stay out as long as Leia will let him.

“Man on man, this is gonna be so awesome!” Finn is beaming and it warms Poe’s heart to see him so happy.

Poe gestures to the fighter. “After you.”

This flight ends up being nerve-racking for Poe. Finn is trying so hard, and that’s the problem. He’s trying to memorize every single little thing that Poe is doing. Sure, he’s learned how to operate the systems from the manuals and the simulator, but he’s overthinking the flight and ending up nearly crashing each time. This is exactly why Poe and Snap installed the pilot over-ride so that pilots and trainees didn’t die during practice maneuvers. 

After six more vomit-inducing nose dives, Poe takes over and lands the fighter in a clearing in the middle of the woods, perhaps a twenty minute flight outside of the base. He climbs out, with Finn on his heels.

“Am I that bad?” Finn asks. “I’m so sorry Poe. Maybe I’d make a better Pathfinder. Or a gunner.”

“Nah, Finn, buddy,” he puts his hand on Finn’s shoulder. “You know all the tech, better than most training pilots. That gives you the edge.”

“Yeah, tell that to the General when I’ve crashed and killed myself on my first mission,” Finn pouts. 

“You are over-thinking it. You have to feel it.”

“Like the Force?”

Poe laughs. “I’m not a Jedi, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works. You have to just go with it. Don’t think of the controls as controls, but as an extension of your own hands.”  
“How do I do that?”

“Fight me.”

Finn looks confused. “You want me to fight you?”

Poe starts to disconnect his radio and oxygen gear and slides it to the ground. “Yes. I’ve seen you in hand to hand training, you are a natural. You know why you are a natural? You just do it. You don’t think, you move. You dance.” Poe unbuckles the top half of his orange jumpsuit and ties the sleeves around his waist. His white tank is sweaty and clinging to his back and chest in spots. He sees Finn watching him with his mouth slightly open. Finn is confused and it’s slightly endearing. “I’m going to teach you how to dance with an X-Wing.”

Finn quickly removes his extra gear and the top of his jumpsuit, copying Poe by tying the sleeves around his waist. He too is wearing a white tank top underneath. Poe bites his lip when Finn isn’t looking. Finn raises his arms. “I’ll try not to hurt you.”

“I’m old, but I’m not fragile,” Poe laughs. “Bring it.”

Finn slams into him like a Wookie, taking him to the ground instantly. Finn has his hands on either side of Poe’s head in the dirt, so Poe pushes his arms between and pushes them away. Using his leg, he sweeps around and spins Finn onto his back. Before he can get Finn pinned, Finn rolls away and jumps to his feet. Poe gets up and swings at Finn, who blocks it and punches him—lightly—in the stomach. Poe gasps and attempts to punch Finn back, but he’s blocked again. Each time he thinks he has Finn pinned down, he slips out like a snake. He’s amazing, and he’s clearly taking it easy on Poe, which is much appreciated. His only advantage now is that he’s sweating and his skin is slick. So is Finn’s, and it’s making it difficult to keep a hold on him.

They’ve been sparring for nearly thirty minutes when Finn finally pins Poe on his back. Poe tries, but he can’t get out of it. He wraps his legs around Finn’s waist and tries to flip him but he can’t. He’s exhausted and he has to keep flexing his toes to prevent his leg cramping. He can’t imagine how Finn’s back aches and he’s starting to feel bad about recommending this training tactic, for the both of them.

“Had enough, Poe Dameron?” Finn smiles, his face just inches from Poe’s. Poe Dameron. He said his name and it sounds amazing. 

It’s perfect, coming off his tongue. 

Too amazing. 

Too perfect.

“I…” Poe can’t even speak. He stares into Finn’s eyes and his chest aches. He can’t inhale deep enough. Finn said his name and it was amazing. He would give the world to hear it again and again. 

“Poe? You okay?”

“I give up,” Poe says, closing his eyes. “And I have sweat in my eyes.”

He feels Finn’s body weight leave him and a hand in his, pulling him up. “Here, man,” Finn offers him a scrap of fabric. Poe pats his eyes until the urge to cry leaves. When he opens it, he sees he was patting his eyes with the sleeve of Finn’s jumpsuit and they are standing so close. Too close.

“Hey, let’s have some lunch,” Poe suggests, dropping the sleeve and walking towards the X-Wing. “Why don’t you go pick out a spot?”

“Uhm, sure. Yeah, a spot. I saw a river a couple dozen yards north of here. You need a hand?” Finn is standing with his hands on his hips, panting, and dripping sweat and fuck all it’s the hottest thing Poe has ever seen.

“No, I’m good,” Poe says. “Meet you there.”

Poe climbs inside the X-Wing and finds the bag with the food and water canteens inside. Take deep breaths, he thinks to himself. Finn didn’t know what he was saying. He had no idea what that meant to him and how much Poe wants to hear it over and over. He grabs his personal flight bag and digs around until he finds the hole he tore in the lining at the bottom. He pulls out a small bottle of pills he swiped from the medical bay the day after the camping trip when he went it for dehydration after getting back and nearly passing out in the hallway. There are fifteen pills and he needs to make them last, plus he can’t take too much or he won’t be safe to fly. If they take an hour for lunch and resting up after that fight, he’ll be fine. Just fine.

He swallows one and puts his bag away.

~

When Poe finds Finn, he’s laid out on his back on a grassy patch. The river is more like a creek, water so clear he can see the bottom. It’s beautiful. He’s got his arms crossed behind his head and he is looking up at the sky. Poe gets comfortable next to him and digs around for a canteen, handing it to Finn.

“You really think I can fly up there?” Finn asks, taking a drink.

“You’ll be an excellent pilot,” Poe replies. He’s starting to feel that edge wear off. The intensity of Finn’s presence starts to calm. “Back there, you were dancing. You knew my moves before I did. You just have to take that to the controls.”

“I always did well in hand to hand in training. Phasma said I was one of the best.” Finn sighs. “My back is a bit sore, mind if we take a break out here for a little bit?”

“Anything,” Poe says, laying on his back next to his friend.

“Pass the food?”

~

“Come here, sweetheart,” Leia says, holding her arms open. Ben reluctantly walks into his mother’s arms and lets her hug him. “I’m not going to get to see you for six months so I need a hug now.”

“Son,” Han puts a hand on his shoulders. “Those robes suit you.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Ben replies, prying himself away from both of his parents. He turns to Poe. “So, what do you think?”

Poe crosses his arms and shrugs. “You look like a girl in those Jedi robes.”

“You’re a girl,” Ben retorts. “Just wait until I can use the Force to beat you up.”

“Go ahead and try,” Poe laughs.

“Knock it off,” Han says. “R2, take the holopicture already.”

Chewbacca steps up stands from his spot sitting next to R2D2 and gestures to Poe. He looks at Chewie, confused. He just said he needs to be in the shot. They want him in the picture. This is a family photograph and they want him in it. After his father died last year, Leia and Han took him in and now they want him in a family picture. He tries really hard not to cry as he steps up next to Ben, his best friend in the entire galaxy.

“Smile!” Leia says as the droid snaps several pictures. Once they are done, R2 then projects them on the wall for Leia to choose the best one. Han steps next to her and wrap and arm around her waist as they squabble over the pictures. When they finally pick one, Han cups her jaw in his hand and leans down to kiss her softly on the lips.

“Hey,” Poe goes over to Ben, who is sitting at the holochess table next to Chewie. “I don’t really think you’re a girl.”

Ben smiles warmly. “Thanks, Poe Dameron.”

He’s not even really sure what he’s feeling, but he has the urge to kiss Ben the way Han kisses Leia.

~

Poe wakes up, feeling that lovely edge leaving. He blinks several times and looks up at the sky and he can practically taste it. He can taste the feeling he gets in the air, flying through TIE fighters or making that perfect shot. Out of everything in his entire life, it’s the only thing he’s good at. Putting himself on the line for something or someone. He’s good at that. He’s not good at dealing with this ache in his chest and his mind. If he’s high, it’s gone. And when he can’t fly, he’ll have to get high some other way.  
He sits up to see Finn sitting on the edge of the creek, washing his face in the water. “Hey, how long was I asleep?”

“’Bout an hour,” Finn replies, walking back to Poe and standing before him, hand out. “I figured I’d let you rest since I beat the crap out of you.”

Poe takes the help standing up, feeling that edge from the pain medication filtering away. He can feel Finn’s hand, cooled by the water, against his. He can feel it too much. “You ready to get back in the air? We have a good two hours left on our flight time.” He drops Finn’s hand.

“I already packed up lunch, let’s go.”

Once they get back in the fighter, Poe lets him take over. Finn takes off smooth, gets over the tree line and manages to pull off each flight maneuver Poe calls out, with each more smooth than the last. He’s not Blue or Red Squadron status yet, but he’s improving with each move. Poe smiles, feeling the rush of being in the air, the high from watching the world around you spinning and getting smaller. He puts his hands on the controls, not because Finn needs the backup, but because he loves the way it feels in his hands. Being in the cockpit allows him to put everything in the world on the other side of the glass. With everything else out there, he is in full control. He’s in control of everything when he’s flying.

When they finally call it a day and land back at the hangar, Poe feels this strange mix of joy and pain that makes him sick to his stomach. He jumps out of the training fighter and sees Snap, Jessica, Kare, and BB-8 all standing around.

“How did our boy do?” Snap asks.

“WHOOOO!” Finn says, jumping out after Poe. “Did you see that? I got the last barrel roll perfect!” He smiles at their friends, but it’s Poe who he hugs strongly. 

“You see? You have to feel it,” Poe replies softly in Finn’s ear. “Told you.”

“Can we go again tomorrow?” Finn asks, not breaking the hug.

“Sure, buddy,” Poe says, finally breaking the hug.

“We came out here to celebrate,” Jessica says. “Finn’s first flight and Commander Dameron is back in the air. It feels like things are starting to get back to normal.”

Poe smiles and nods. “Drinks on you?”

She glares at him briefly. “Dick.”

“Showers first,” Poe says.

~

“Where’s Finn?” Poe asks, walking into their room with a white towel hanging off his waist.

“He got dressed and disappeared with Jessica and BB-8, something about needing to find something,” Snap replies from his perch on the top bunk, a holobook in his hands. “You two hook up?”

“What?” Poe moves to the dresser and begins to search for his clothes. Something comfortable. With pockets so he can hide things. Namely the bottle of pills tucked in his bag which is now under his bed. “Hooked up?”

“I helped clean up the fighter and noticed your little picnic basket,” Snap laughs. “Also you two came back smelling like way too much sweat for the flight you took.”

“Finn sucked at flying. He just couldn’t feel it.”

“Ah, trying to do everything like a textbook? I’ve trained several of those.”

“He’s an excellent fighter, so I sparred with him for a while and got him to loosen up.” Poe drops his towel and quickly dresses. He’s been naked in front of Snap more than once while changing or in the showers. He remembers thinking Snap was cute for the first few weeks they flew together but they quickly grew to be good friends. “I had to get him to feel the controls, ya know? He needed to feel the fighter as an extension of himself instead of just a machine. I think it worked, he flew the second half of that trip like he’s been doing it for months.”

“Well, all I know is that whenever he’s around and you aren’t there, he talks about you.” Snap jumps down from his bed. “He talks some about finding BB-8, and meeting Rey and everything, but mostly he talks about you. How you flew him off that base, or listening to your music or reading your books. And that jacket, he wears it everywhere.” Snap puts his hand down. “I’m going off to dinner. Meet you there?”

“Yeah, man,” Poe nods.

He waits until Snap leaves the room before he dives for his bag. He pockets three pills from the bottle before hiding it back in his bag. He grabs some money from his sock drawer and leaves the room, heading down to the civilian barracks.

The civilian wing reminds him of a market on Tatooine. The common areas are teaming with small tables in which refugees and other civilians sell wares they’ve made or traded. It smells of beautiful incense and baking bread. Children are playing with toys made from scraps and women are scolding them for running in the hallway. Poe passes several tables before finding one in the common room. It’s surrounded by people standing and sitting on empty buckets or stools, chatting and laughing. He approaches the table and lays down his money.

“What’s your poison?” asks the older woman, another Keptan, as she takes his money.

“Two shots to take the edge off and a flask,” Poe replies.

Poe quickly downs the shots he’s offered and pockets the flask. He nods in thanks and turns to leave, not wanting to be late to this dinner being held to celebrate Finn’s first flight. He moves back into the hall and into the crowd. He hears a familiar voice ahead and when a few people part he sees Kare and Finn at a table up head. Finn is handing money to a vendor, who hands him a large black bag. Poe quickly ducks behind a crowd of women looking at some hand-crafted jewelry.

“That is some of my best work,” the vendor says to Finn.

“Thank you so much,” Finn replies. “But how did you get…”

“A woman never reveals her secrets,” the vendor says. “Let’s just say that the refugees brought some very interesting items with them. I was able to trade for what you requested.”

“You did good, Finn,” Kare says. “We should go. You can go stash that in your room and I’ll meet you at dinner.”

“Shouldn’t I bring it to dinner?”

“No, you need to talk to Jessica first.”

Poe watches them walk away before he very quickly walks by the vendor Finn and Kare just visited. There seems to be nothing terribly exciting, mostly random items and small hand-crafted boxes. What could Finn have possibly bought? And why does he need to talk to Jessica? Is he…does he like her? What if Finn took what happened on the camping trip too seriously? Why would Kare let him buy Jessica a gift and with what money?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I appreciate all your comments. It lets me know that people are actually reading instead of just hitting a chapter and ditching it ;) I always find it interesting to see your thoughts and predictions, it's fun!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia pressures Poe to save Ben. Finn opens himself up to Poe, but it doesn’t seem to go very well. Poe dreams about a moment in his past where pain and pleasure were one and the same, which only confuses him further.

Poe arrives at their table in the mess to see BB-8 rolling around and laughing. Next to Snap is an empty chair, so Poe slides right next to him. “Hey.”

“Where you been?” Snap asks, with 8 reiterating the question.

“Just had to take care of a few things, but I’m not the only one late to the party,” Poe says. “Who else is coming?”

“Kare, Finn, Jessica, and the General,” Snap says. “We ran into her in the hangar while you were out and she said she wanted to talk to you so I invited her.”

“She’s been pretty private these past few weeks,” Poe says, knowing she’s probably been wearing Han’s clothes and drinking to forget. Something they both know too well. He rubs the back of his neck, feeling that wonderful floating feeling of the three shots he took threatening to make him say something stupid. “How did she seem? Upset?”

“Nah, man you’re fine. She seemed tired but she didn’t have that look on her face that she does when she’s pissed at you.” Snap pats him on the back. “Maybe we finally have a mission. I’ve been going nuts having to stay on this half of the planet.”

“Same here,” Kare approaches, with Finn right beside her. She sits across from Snap and crosses her arms in front of her, it’s her typical posture when just talking. Many find it off-putting until they get to know her.

“As eager as I am to kick First Order ass,” Finn slides in the chair on the other side of Poe, “I need more training.”

“I highly doubt that,” Jessica arrives, sitting across from Finn. “You’re amazing, Finn.”

“Thanks,” Finn says shyly, bowing his head.

“No, I really mean it,” Jessica reaches across the table and grabs his hands in hers. “For your first training flight you finished with some damned fine maneuvers. Question is, will Poe assign you to the Blue or Red?”

Poe’s eyes lock on their hands. “Which one are you on again, Jessica?”

She glares at him and removes her hands from Finn’s, who quickly puts his in his lap. “I’d be happy with wherever I manage to get assigned, as long as I get to work with---“

“General,” Snap standing up. Poe turns to see her approach the table and begins to stand.

“As you were,” Leia says, sitting across from Poe. “I understand Finn is becoming quite the pilot.”

“I wouldn’t say that, General,” Finn says almost robotically. “I still need lots of training.”

“Relax,” Leia says, smiling at him. “Tonight I’m just another Resistance Fighter.”

“Every once in a rare while, Leia likes to let her hair down,” Poe smiles. “Maybe not literally.”

“I figured it was time to leave my room and the command center,” she replies. “Please no condolences, I know. Thank you all, for everything you do. Best we can all do is keep fighting.”

Everyone else shifts in their seats, clearly feeling awkward at the thought of losing Han and hearing her talk about it. Poe nods. “You look well.”

“I am,” she says. “As well as I can be. You look tired,” she says. “I bet you stayed up all night waiting for your first flight.”

“You know I don’t like to stay grounded for too long,” he replies.

~

“Turns out he was right,” Finn smiles wide at Poe. “I just needed to think of flying as an extension of myself instead of a clunky machine. It only took beating you up to realize it.”  
“You didn’t beat me up, I took it easy on you,” Poke laughs.

“I personally watched him rolling and dipping in the sky from the hangar roof,” Jessica smiles back. “I thought it was Poe at first.”

Poe bites the inside of his cheek, the food having soaked up enough of the alcohol he had to make him sober up just a tiny bit. He digs around in his pocket and grabs a pill, swiftly sneaking it into his mouth under the pretense of a cough and taking a long drink of tea. Everyone is so busy listening to Finn he doesn’t think anyone noticed. He debates on how long he has to stay before he can sneak off to the hangar and drink his flask. Watching Jessica flirt with Finn is difficult. It hurts, especially after what happened in the woods today. Poe’s name belongs on Finn’s lips, spilling over with the push of his deep voice into Poe’s ear. Poe just wants Finn to be happy. He sees the way Jessica makes him blush. Who knows, maybe they’ll be a good fit. Even if it hurts him.

“Finn, I am so honored you have chosen to join the Resistance,” Leia says. “Not only have you proven your dedication, but you seem to fit in nicely here. Are you enjoying your freedom?”

“Yes, General—“

“Leia. Please, call me Leia. During downtime.”

“Yes, Leia,” Finn says, smiling. “I can’t wait to win this war and explore the galaxy.”

“You want to travel?” Jessica asks, interested.

“I want to visit all the places you talk about, all of you. I want to see all the landscapes, meet all sorts of people and learn all sorts of things. I want to try new foods, see plays and films. I just want to walk in different woods. I want to try it all.” Finn turns to Poe. “Because of you, I just might get that chance. Because you saved me.” Finn tenses he jaw and swallows. It looks like he’s about to say something else but then stops himself.

Poe stares into Finn’s eyes and does everything he can not to fall apart. “You saved me, remember?”

“I will let Poe decide when to clear you to fly and where you will be assigned,” Leia smiles at Poe. He is so thankful for the interruption he could kiss her. “I trust him more than myself most of the time.”

“Thanks, mom, wow I mean…Leia.” Poe sighs, ignoring the looks from the rest of the table. “Leia. Wow, I’m exhausted. It’s been a long day.”

“I agree,” Leia stands up. “Poe, will you walk me back to my quarters?”

“Ooooo,” Snap and Kare joke, while BB-8 beeps in laughter.

“Commander Dameron should only be so lucky,” she laughs. “Finn, good luck. I’ll be watching.”

“Thank you, Leia,” he replies.

Poe waits until they are down the hall until he takes the flask out of his pocket and sips, offering Leia a pull. She takes one and gives it back. “That’s very strong.”

“The market at the end of the base,” he says, taking another drink and pocketing the flask, feeling around for the remaining pills to make sure he didn’t lose any. “I’m sorry I called you mom.”

“You know I find it sweet. You called me that before by mistake.”

“Not in front of others. Nobody else knows about my past. Finn knows that Kylo Ren’s real name is Ben but he doesn’t know Ben is your son. I need to keep it that way.” He stops and looks down at his feet. “I wish I didn’t know. I take back everything I said about how you should have told me.”

“We’ll never get Han back,” Leia says quietly. “You’ll never get your parents back. But we can bring Ben home. You can. I know it.”

He shakes his head. “I can’t.”

“Poe, I know how close you were.” She puts a hand on his arm. “I caught you two kissing in his room the last time he came home to visit. He left the door open just a crack.”

Poe’s chest is tight and he can’t stop his eyes from watering and spilling over onto his cheeks. “You knew this whole time?”

“Yes, but I also know you and how much you like to keep things hidden. I thought that eventually the two of you would tell me and Han, but things didn’t happen that way.” She sighs. “You love him. He loves you. That’s why it has to be you.”

“What about Rey? Isn’t she the next Jedi?”

“Luke and Rey will kill him.” Leia starts to cry her own tears. “You have to save him. He didn’t listen to Han, he won’t listen to me. Please, save him.”

Poe just nods and walks away.

~

By the time he gets back to the room, he’s already planned on the rest of his night. He is going to finish his flask, take two more pills and feel his brain floating out of his body and it’s going to be incredible. He wants to lay down in his bed and pass out into some sort of dreamless sleep that never ends. He opens the door and finds Finn sitting on his bed, reading one of his books.

“Hey,” Finn puts down the book and stands up. “You okay?”

Poe nods. “I’m good. Where is Snap and 8?”

“Snap took 8 for another software download and said he’s gonna spend the night with Robyin. I guess they are a couple now. Anyway, your eyes are red,” he says, putting his hands on Poe’s upper arms. “I’m sorry if our flight was too long for you. Tomorrow we don’t have to…”

“Yes, we do.” Poe looks Finn in the eye. “By the way, I think you should go for it.”

Finn tilts his head in confusion. “For what?”

“Jessica,” Poe parts from Finn and sits on his bed, kicking off his shoes and toeing out of his socks. “I saw the way she flirted with you. I think you should date her. She’s nice and smart and pretty and she clearly likes you, not to mention all the time you’ve been spending with her. Not that you need my permission or anything, but you have my stamp of approval.”

“I do want to date, but I don’t want to date Jessica.”

“Well, she seems to want to date you and you could do worse. Besides, maybe you could lose your virginity to her. If anything, you deserve to get a good night of sex.” Poe moves to his dresser and puts the flask on top, clearly with Finn around he’ll have to share. “She’s a good person.”

“She’s being nice because she knows how scared I am.”

Poe turns around to see Finn standing there with his hands in his pockets. “Scared? You have nothing to be scared of. You’re safe here.”

“That’s, look, never mind.” Finn sits back down, hands still hidden.

“I mean, despite being in a war, you’re safe. Nobody here is going to torture you or beat you for thinking something,” Poe smiles awkwardly, grabbing the flash and taking a long pull.

“I’m scared to move forward. Now that I’m flying, it’s like I’m starting my life and it’s terrifying.” Finn takes the flask Poe offers and takes a very small sip before passing it back. “Look, I meant everything I said back there about getting to explore and live my life and it’s all because of you, Poe. It’s all because of you.”

Poe shakes his head, he doesn’t deserve the credit for that rescue off of Jakku and he wishes Finn would stop. “You can, Finn. Travel the galaxy. Fall in love, settle down. Have a family and live happily ever after.”

“What about you? What’s your happily ever after?” Finn asks.

Hearing my name fall off your lips forever. Taking your jaw in my hand and kissing you lazily, your arms around me. Loving you. I’m in love with you. That’s my happily ever after, Poe thinks. Instead he takes three pills out of his pocket and washes them down with what’s left in the flask.

“What are those? You okay?” Finn asks.

“Shubuntu wants me to keep taking calcium for the bone,” Poe lies, laying down on his bed. “And a pain pill. You did kick my ass today.”

“So what is your ending?” Finn asks again.

“I don’t know.”

~

“I want to try something.”

Poe pops off Ben’s cock and climbs back up to rest his chin on his chest. “Like what?”

Ben slides his fingers through Poe’s curls, which are nearly as long as his own. Poe could purr at the sensation of fingernails lightly scraping his scalp with each pass. “Remember that one holofilm with the guy all tied up?”

He bites his lip. “Wanna tie me up?”

Ben shakes his head. “At the end, when he was being fucked…the other guy choked him. He came really hard, like loads and loads.”

“I don’t remember that,” Poe lies. He does remember. It looked really hot, but scary. What if something really happened? What if the other guy thought that he was saying no just for fun.

Ben looks at him like he can read his mind. He does that a lot lately and it’s unnerving. “I promise I won’t let anything happen to you, Poe Dameron.”

Poe bites his lip and nods yes.

Ben leans down for a hot, dirty kiss before turning Poe onto his back. He settles over him, kissing roughly while grabbing the bottle of lubricant and coating his fingers. They’ve probably done this a hundred times over the past year and each time it gets more and more amazing. Poe’s been the top a few times, but he prefers to have Ben inside him. Ben prefers it that way too. He loves the feeling of Ben’s long fingers teasing his entrance, the way they sink in slowly. Past the knuckle to the hilt. The slow circles and crooking to hit that spot just enough to feel it. The way it feels when the second and third finger join in and stretch him open. He pants in anticipation of what always happens after that.  
He likes it best when he’s on his back and can look at Ben’s face. He likes watching his eyes roll back when he comes, that smirk as he pulls out and rolls off when they are done. He watches Ben’s face as he enters him, his whole body warm at the glazed look in Ben’s eyes and the feeling of intrusion and fullness. Ben slides all the way in the first time and stills, letting Poe’s body adjust to him. It’s this initial connection that is probably the best part about making love to Ben Solo. They are so close, so connected, and it feels like Ben will never leave.

“Please,” Poe says. It’s their word for when he’s ready. He’s scared and trembling just a little, but he’s ready. He’ll try this for Ben. For his Ben, anything.

Ben starts out slow, cupping Poe’s jaw in his hand and leaning in for a kiss. It’s so amazing and so perfect and Poe never wants it to end. But he feels that brush against the spot deep inside stronger each time, and Ben speeds up. Ben reaches down between them and begins to stroke him and Poe has to grip Ben’s hair to keep from falling completely apart too fast.

That’s when it happens. He feels a hand around his throat applying pressure. But both of Ben’s hands are elsewhere—on his hip and in his hair. Ben’s looking down at Poe with sheer concentration, that loving look they usually share as they tip the edge is gone. Poe wants to scream but he can’t. The grip gets tighter and tighter, so Poe does what he can. He grabs onto his throat and tries to get the invisible pressure to leave. 

He tries to catch his breath but he can’t. Then he feels pressure building up fast in his gut, that pleasure. It’s painful and strong and he starts to see spots. He thinks he’s coming, but it’s not like any other orgasm he’s ever had. He feels like every part of his body is exploding and he can feel every cell individually at the same time. He can’t breathe and this ecstasy turns to fear. He feels Ben jerking inside him—he swears he can feel each individual spurt of cum filling him up—but he can’t breathe. He’s going to die.

Ben slumps on top of him and in the same motion the choking releases. Poe gulps down air as fast as he can, the fear replaced by tingling and floating through his entire body. He swears his hair even came, it is so total and full.

“Ben…I’m…did you use the Force to choke me?”

“You came. Hard, that was so incredible.” Ben pants, sliding out of Poe and onto his back, looking up at the ceiling.

Poe reaches up and rubs his neck. It was terrifying. He thought he was going to die. But he didn’t. Ben wouldn’t let him. The fear begins to be replaced by pure joy. Ben is lying there, smiling at him, with fingers reaching over to run through his hair lovingly. Poe’s body feels this incredible high right now, strong enough that he feels he could fly. 

“I love you, Ben.”

“I love you, Poe.”

~

“Poe, Finn!”

Poe wakes up to Snap yelling and lights bright in his face. “What the fuck?”

“Guys, get dressed and come out to the hangar,” Snap says. “Now.”

Poe sits up, realizing he fell asleep in his clothes. He sees Finn is down to his boxers and trying to scramble to find his own clothes on the floor. “What is going on? A mission?”

“The Millennium Falcon just landed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Poe/Ben dream was inspired by a meme my husband showed me posted to my tumblr here http://nextboldmove-ao3.tumblr.com/post/138821360794/darth-vader-force-chokes-storm-trooper-storm
> 
> I’m on tumblr now! http://nextboldmove-ao3.tumblr.com/


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the Millennium Falcon comes intel on the First Order and a mission, but it comes with a big price that Poe isn’t sure he’s willing to pay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poe’s hair and beard are quite long at this point in the story. Think Oscar Isaac from Inside Lleywn Davis for reference. Yum.

Poe doesn’t get a chance to put on his boots. Finn slips into some pants and runs out the door. He grabs a shirt off the floor and follows, with Snap and BB-8 trailing behind. The alcohol and pill cocktail from earlier makes each move feel like he’s swimming through syrup, but he pushes through. He sees Finn up ahead bursting through the doors to the landing strip and he follows right along. If this is good news, he wants to celebrate with Finn. If it’s bad, Finn needs him.

He sees R2D2 and Chewbacca walk out of the Falcon and Finn stops for a moment. Poe gets close enough to see sweat starting to bead on his back and the pink pucker of his scar. He’s just about to put his hand on Finn’s shoulder when his legs give away and he falls down.

~

“But is he going to be okay?”

“Did he take anything? Drink anything?” Shubuntu asks.

“He had this flask and he took calcium and a pain pill.”

Poe recognizes the way the medical bay smells and knows where he is before he opens his eyes. Finn’s voice sounds worried and confused and BB-8 chirping in the background doesn’t sound any less concerned.

“He shouldn’t mix whatever he drank with whatever he took,” she says sternly.

“A flask?” Now it’s Snap’s voice. “Poe isn’t a big drinker. Sometimes when we play cards he has maybe one drink.”

“It was his first day flying, and we sparred,” Finn’s voice sounds upset. “I pushed him.”

Poe blinks his eyes open. “I’m never buying alcohol at the market ever again, it was probably engine cleaner.”

“Poe,” Finn grabs his hand and holds it tight. “You passed out on the landing strip.”

“I’m just fine,” he says, feeling hungover and too sober for his liking. He looks down to see Shubuntu giving him a shot in his thigh.

“I thought I stopped the pain medication,” she says.

“I had a couple left, and I had a headache that just wouldn’t go away,” He sits up. “Mixed with that engine cleaner I bought, I guess it got the best of me.”

“Well, you missed all the excitement,” Snap says. “Chewbacca—“

“I need to speak with Mister Dameron alone,” Shubuntu commands. She waits until 8, Snap and Finn leave before she turns to him with the death glare. “No more medication, and no more alcohol from the civilians—none at all I should add. I had two people in here last week with alcohol poisoning from that swill. Now, I’m going to ask the General to approve a mission to go locate some more advanced equipment. I need a toxicity meter and another type of scanner. Because if this keeps happening, I’ll need to have irrefutable proof that you should be removed from duty.”

“Can I go?” Poe asks, glaring at her with a mean expression that hurts to make.

“Don’t you dare test me.” She turns away. “Get some sleep.”

Poe stands and meets Snap, Finn and 8 in the hallway. “Tell me more.”

“Are we just going to ignore that you passed out from drinking?” Snap asks.

“Yes, because it was just cheap shit. Don’t buy liquor from Keptans.” Poe crosses his arms and turns to Finn. “Is Luke Skywalker back?”

He shakes his head. “Rey sent Chewbacca and the droid back. She left a hologram saying she’s going to be training for several months and sent them back to assist the Resistance. The droid is with the General now, apparently there is a secret message for her from Luke Skywalker.”

“I know you missed her, Rey,” Poe says warmly to his friend. 

“But she’s going to be a Jedi,” Finn smiles. “She seemed so happy. I’ll see her someday.”

“That’s enough,” Snap says. “We’re taking you back to bed.”

~

Gregory didn’t use any sort of lubricant or even use his fingers first, not like Poe does when he’s playing with himself alone. And it hurt. It hurt so bad. Poe did cry this time, letting his tears soak into his pillow. He cried when Gregory came and yanked himself out, bitching about his dick being covered in blood and how he forgot about ‘that shit when he pops a cherry.’ He cried when Gregory slapped his butt and put on his clothes, leaving quickly and quietly. He cried when he tried to stand up and pull on his robe so he could go to the bathroom…

He can’t believe he let Gregory do that, he knew the whole time that it wasn’t what he really wanted and that he totally did it wrong…

He thinks he’ll just lay here in the water until the pain goes away and he can stand up and go to bed…

When he finally does, he collapses under the cover and sobs. He told Gregory he was a virgin because he tried so hard to forget. He’s trying to start his life over. Life after Ben Solo. It’s been two years since his best friend, his love, was killed. Poe tries so hard to move forward. He tried dating, he even lied. He failed, at everything. First his mother, then his father, then Ben. Even Han and Uncle Chewbacca left. He deserved losing everything and everyone because he failed.

He deserved this. 

~

Poe feels hungover in the morning. It’s a disgusting type of hangover with comes with a bitter taste in his mouth and every muscle aching and sore. It could be whatever horrible medicine Shubuntu gave him or left over from the combination of liquor and pills. Either way, Poe wishes he could just go back to sleep. Or just take more. It’s only when he’s coming down that it hurts. He’s pretty sure, though, that General Organa will want to speak with him. He also promised Finn another training flight today.

He sits up to see a tray on his bedside table with breakfast and a note. He rubs his eyes and grabs the note.

‘I tried to wake you up but you just grumbled and said something about Wookies. I left you some food. Chewbacca said he needed some help doing repairs on the Falcon, so that’s where I will be. No flying today, please rest. I’ll come check on you later. Take care, Finn.’

Poe reaches under his bed for his pack, tucking the note into a pocket deep inside. He reaches into his pants pocket and grabs the two of the pills left. He shakes them in his hand, thinking about the few he has left in the bottle. He really should fly. Maybe he can sweet-talk Chewbacca into taking the Falcon out for a spin—he hasn’t flown it since before Ben became…what he became. Yes, this morning he will fly and save the pills for the evening when it hurts to even breathe. Where every moment he is near Finn makes him want to drown in the lake. He picks up the tray and greedily eats breakfast, managing to not throw any of it up. He changes his clothes, runs his hand through his hair and his beard, slips on his boots and moves to leave the room. He notices the flask is gone. Snap must have tossed it. He takes the two remaining pills and buts them back in his pack. He needs to be more careful or something terrible is going to happen.

~

When he arrives at the hangar, he sees Finn wearing black pants and work boots. He’s stripped down to a white tank and is covered in sweat. Poe feels the heat of the air outdoors and wonder if this planet has hit its summer. Fuck, this is miserable. Poe begins to peel off his grey tunic to reveal his own white tank underneath as he walks to the far end of the outdoor hangar towards the Falcon. He sees Chewbacca hauling some convertors from the equipment shed and wonders how he isn’t dying of heat with that fur coat he’s always wearing.

BB-8 sees Poe and alerts Finn, who looks over at him and smiles. Poe smiles back. He can’t help it. Even with this pounding headache and the hurt he feels in his gut whenever he looks at the man, he smiles back. “Heya, buddy.”

“Did you get my note?” Finn asks. “I hope the food I picked out was okay, I see you eat those cake thingies all the time.”

“It was great, Finn. Thanks. So, what else needs to be done?”

“I was just finishing on the exhaust cells, Snap showed me earlier how to strip the old grease off and apply the new stuff. Chewie said the rest of the work is inside, thankfully out of the heat.”

“I was thinking of flying today,” Poe said. 

“Man, after last night I don’t…”

“No sparring. Just a flight. You want to come with?”

Finn sets down his tools. “Are you sure?”

Poe nods. “It’s the only thing I want to do right now.”

~

After Poe lets Finn fly for almost an hour, he takes over the controls to show him some of the more advanced tricks. It’s freeing. He dives into the trees and weaves through them like threading a needle. Then he shoots up in the sky straight up so fast it nearly makes Finn throw up. He laughs when Finn starts saying ‘oh hell no’ and whoops right along with him then they make another roll. Poe takes the fighter and dances it over the water so that the exhaust makes waves behind them. He speeds around in circles so fast it makes his head spin and he drinks it in. Man, he wishes he was in high fighter so he could launch blasters or rockets and watch the trees burn and fall down under them. He wants to take out more TIE Fighters. He wants to shoot at First Order freighters or starships. He wants to dance through blaster fire against the black sky amongst the stars.

When the land, Poe strips the top half of his flight jumpsuit off so fast one would think it was on fire. He reaches for his canteen and dumps it over his head, tilting his face to the sky and letting the cool water run through his curls and down his face. He stands there, enjoying the water until it warms with his body heat.

“Well I just came,” Snap says.

Poe turns to see Snap standing next to Finn, smiling and snickering. Finn, on the other hand, is standing nearly still. He had started to remove the top of his jumpsuit but has one arm halfway stuck in the sleeve. His mouth is hanging open just a little bit and he is staring at Poe like his eyes are glued in place.

Poe shakes the water off his hair and rubs a hand through his beard to get rid of the drops hiding there. “Care to return the favor?”

Snap just laughs, used to their back-and-forth. “I think someone else is interested in that job.” He claps a hand to Finn’s back.

“Uh, what?” Finn startles, finishing taking the top of his jumpsuit off. “Oh, hey Snap.”

“I saw you showing off up there, Poe. General Organa asked me to bring you to command when you came back. Sounded urgent but apparently not urgent enough to radio you back,” he shrugs.

“I’ll go back and help Chewie with the Falcon,” Finn says, nodding to both of them and walking towards the other end of the hangar.

Poe follows Snap inside to the cool air and moans just a little too loudly when it hits his wet body. “Oh yeah baby,” Poe laughs.

“Apparently this is summer and it lasts about five months,” Snap says. “We must have gotten here right after the last one ended.”

“Did she say anything to you?” Poe asks.

“No, but it sounded official. Probably a mission.” Snap lowers his voice. “So, what’s going on with you and Finn?”

“He’s picking up really quick. I’m thinking about assigning him to fly on Blue,” Poe replies, his eyes darting around to see if anyone can hear them.

“Cut the crap, Poe. Half the time I think you two are together, and the rest of the time you act like he just dumped you.”

He shakes his head. “We’re not…”

Snap holds his hands up. “Off the record. He talks about you a lot. The other day I walked in on him and Jessica in the mess talking about your favorite things. We’ve all seen the way the two of you look at each other, and the things he says to you about saving his life. Not to mention the thorough eye-fucking he was giving you on the tarmac. I’m going to ask if I can get transferred to another room to give you alone time.”

“Snap, come on.” Poe rolls his eyes. “I think he’s into Jessica. I saw him and Kare buying her a gift in the market, and they spend a lot of time together. She flirts with him. He got all flustered when I called him on it. Look, actually this is good. You gotta help me set them up on like, a really nice date.”

“Whatever, Black Leader. Just…quit acting so fucking weird all the damned time. And I’m going to knock each time I enter the room, cool?”

“Fine,” Poe says, continuing to follow Snap to the General’s command center.

~

“Thank you, Pilot Wexley. In about ten minutes, could you fetch Finn for me and bring him here?” Leia says as she closes the door.

“To what do I owe the summons?” Poe says. “I apologize for my attire. D’Qar summertime. Pilot Wexley made this seem urgent.”

“Please, sit,” Leia says. It’s only when Poe turns to find a chair that he sees R2, BB-8 and Chewbacca all sitting on the far end of the room.

“What’s going on?” Poe asks, sitting next to Chewie.

“Luke sent along some information that I think you need to hear for yourself.” She nods to R2, who begins to play a hologram. A life-sized blue version of Luke Skywalker appears in front of him. His beard and hair are longer than Poe remembers from the few times he met him as a child and teen.

“I know you blame me for what your son, Ben, did. I blame myself. If only I had been a better Master, a better Uncle, perhaps he would not have been wooed by Leader Snoke. My only hope is that now, with Rey’s help and the help of the former Stormtrooper, we can defeat him. I want you to, I need you to understand that Ben is gone. We both know this ends with his death. I know you still can’t accept that, but it needs to be said.”

“My sister, I feel great disturbance. There is a shift coming, but from this distance I can’t tell you more. I can only suspect that more of the First Order will defect. Your advantage now is that your son was never meant to be a leader. His keepers are starting to lose their own grasp on the entire Order. Rey told me about Finn, and he is not alone. More will defect. Many will fail and be killed. But those who succeed need to be protected, valued, and saved. They will not only have valuable information for destroying the Order, but their willingness to leave the only lives they have ever known contains a power and light that we must protect.”

The image fades and Poe turns to Leia. “What’s the mission?”

She smiles. “Of course you’d know this was about a mission. I want to send you Nar Shaddaa. It’s the last known place that we know that First Order troops were stationed, they were trying to secure more smuggler freighters and sympathizers. It’s highly likely there may be former Troopers hiding there. I’m also going to give you coordinated to other potential sites, but all of our intel points there.”

“The whole planet is one big dive bar, as good a place as any to disappear.” Poe says. “If you need to hide, no questions asked, that’s the place to go.”

“I want you to take the Falcon, and Chewie for some extra muscle. He’s spent more than his fair share of time there with Han over the years.” She smiles at the Wookie. “I’ll send you with BB-8. I also want you to take Finn. He’s practically a hero to those trying to leave the Order. He might recognize some of them, or they will feel safer coming back here if he is with you.”

Poe swallows. “He’s not ready.” Or is it Poe who isn’t ready?

“You don’t have a choice.” Leia sighs. “I didn’t want to brief him the same time because I needed to talk to you about him. I need you to make sure he stays strong, that he doesn’t go back to the Order. Or get captured. I know Ben can read his mind. If he gets captured…you need to make sure that doesn’t happen. Do you hear me, Poe? If it comes down to it, you have to stop him from being taken alive.”

He swallows, almost breathless at the mere thought of what Leia is ordering him to do. “Are you asking me to kill him if it comes to it?”

“Look, I know you’ll do everything to prevent that but…”

“Absolutely not, General Leia Organa.” Poe crosses his arms and tenses his jaw. “Look, you ask a lot of me. And I give. I give and give and give. I give my life to the Resistance. I give my life to you in repayment to all you have done for me but I will not kill Finn. I trust him, it’s about time someone else does too.”

She stands there, wooden, with tension seeping off of her like the stink out of a trash compactor. “This is your mission, Poe. Don’t let him get caught alive.”

Poe’s knees feel weak, having stood up to her, but he steels his expression. “I won’t let him get caught.”

“I have the rest of the pilots finishing repairs and maintenance, as well as several members of our crew packing for your trip. You leave in the morning. I will have several fighter pilots follow you as far as the third moon just to make sure this isn’t some sort of trap.”

Poe bites the inside of his cheek, eager to leave the thick, bitter air surrounding them. “Yes, General.”

“Now go shower, you stink. And pack. It could be a very long time before you come back.”

Poe slams the door on his way out. He deserves a lot, but being ordered to potentially have to kill Finn is something that he doesn’t deserve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over my last 2 chapters, my hit count seems to have grown more than it usually does with new posts. Please, comment and let me know how you found the story or just that you’re reading. I’m new to a few sites and want to know how people are finding my fic. Keeps me inspired.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe makes some questionable choices on his last night on base before the mission. Finn opens himself up to Poe.

He slings his backpack over his shoulder and pushes his way through the crowd. He bought a few snacks and trinkets. A card deck. A talisman for Chewie that looked like a Wookie carved from wood. Or maybe it was an Ewok, Poe wasn’t too sure. He’s not even sure why he bought it, he’s not the kind of person that gives tangible gifts like this. It’s not his style. He does favors or gives food or drink or even blowjobs, but not usually gifts. For some reason he bought this. As he was handing his money over, it seemed like a good cover for in case he gets caught at the market, but the more he thinks about it, he thinks that it’s something Chewie should have and it should come from him. 

As he’s weaving through the crowd, he spots Jessica and Finn standing around, waiting in line for bottles of home-made Fizzy Syrups. Finn is wearing the jacket, as usual. He’s laughing at something she said. She looks very beautiful with her hair loose over her shoulders. She usually wears it tied back and out of her way, always so practical with her appearance. Her lips look red, she must be wearing makeup. They must be on a date—maybe Snap set them up before the mission. Or he talked Finn into asking her. It’s the strangest mix of pain and happiness for his friend and he doesn’t like it. He can’t tell if the shaking is the lack of alcohol or pills in the past six hours or the thought that the person he’s in love with being on a date with someone else. He wants to go crash it. He wants to so bad. So instead he makes himself invisible in the crowd and heads back towards their room.

He gets down the corridor and just past the mess when he sees Barclay running up the hall. “Hey, Poe,” he smiles. “What are you up to?” 

Poe shrugs. “Just going back to my room to pack up.”

“I heard there was a mission for tomorrow, my squadrons are being put on high alert. Do you want a hand?” He asks.

Poe tilts his head just a little bit. “Sure.”

It breaks every rule in his book, but the moment the door is closed to the room he pulls Barclay into a very hot and intense kiss. He is a better kisser sober. Still not great, but good enough. He slides a hand through Poe’s hair and he instantly grabs it and snakes it around his waist. Being pet feels too intimate for him. Barclay pulls him close and he can feel his erection rub against his hip and he moans into Barclay’s mouth. That would feel so good right now. He reaches down and grabs at Barclay’s belt buckle and begins to undo it, feeling Barclay do the same to him. He’s almost got a hand down his pants when Poe hears the door open.

“Holy fuck, Poe,” Jessica exclaims.

Poe parts from Barclay, even pushes him back a bit, to see Jessica standing in the doorway of the room. She looks pissed. It makes Poe queasy. He quickly reaches down and zips himself up and buckles the belt back together, at least nothing was hanging out. Barclay does the same, muttering things about people knocking.

“Fuck you,” Jessica says.

“You got a problem?” Barclay retorts. “Or do you want in on this? I’ll swing for that.”

“No, she’s right, fuck off,” Poe says, giving Barclay a death glare. 

“You’re a cock teasing asshole, Poe,” Barclay spits, pushing past Jessica and stomping down the hall.

Poe runs his hands through his hair and then over his mouth to try to wipe away some of the slickness from Barclay’s tongue. “Uhm, do you and Finn need the room?”

“What? No. Okay, Poe, you know what…” Jessica begins with a clearly angry tone in her voice.

“Nah, it’s okay, Jessica,” Poe interrupts. “I saw you and Finn in the market on your date. I’ll go.”

“So what, you see someone else eating your dinner and you just roll over and go hungry?”

“Don’t…”

“No, you just settle for the shit that falls on the floor. Anyway, we don’t have time for this. General Organa wants you to meet her at the Falcon for a briefing. Apparently there is some new intel. But when that is over you and I need to have a serious talk.”

Poe pushes past her and speed-walks down the hall, wanting to run as far away from everything that just happened as possible. He wants to get this meeting over and done so Finn can go back to his date and he can go jerk off in the showers and fall asleep on the Falcon. He’s been so stupid in so many ways and he doesn’t like the way it feels. He doesn’t like this hurt, this guilt, this emptiness. He should never have said yes to Barclay. He should have just packed his things, take a pain pill just to keep the sweats away, and gone to sleep.

“Surprise!”

He bursts out of the doors to the runway to see Chewbacca, BB-8, Snap, Kare and Finn standing in front of the Falcon. There are small twinkling lights hanging over the ship to bring a soft glow to the tarmac. Everyone is holding bottles of Fizzy Syrup with more on the table, along with some of Poe’s favorite Spice cookies and a pile of fried chips. He’s standing there, probably looking really stupid, when Jessica comes up next to him.

“Snap, Kare and I are the ones guiding you out of the system,” she says. “Now, we don’t know where you are going, but the General said you could be gone for months. So we wanted to wish you off.” She leans in. “But later I’m going to kick your ass.”

“I’m sure you will,” Poe says, putting on his best smile. “I thought I told you no more events.”

“This is for all of you,” Kare says. “You and Finn, Chewie and BB-8. So screw you and have some fun.”

Finn looks at Poe and smiles. “Jessica said we should have some of our favorites, so she took me to buy some Fizzy Syrups for us and Kare made more of those cookies you like. And Jessica found some sort of root jerky for Chewie.”

“The chips?” Poe asks.

“I had them once a few days ago and I can’t get enough,” Finn says, grabbing a handful and scarfing them down. “You have no idea how amazing they are.”

“I do,” Poe replies, remembering that while he grew up eating them, Finn is only experiencing them for the second time. So that’s why they were in the market, they weren’t on a date. Or maybe Jessica is going to use this party as one. She is wearing makeup after all. He turns back to Finn. “So you helped?”

He shakes his head. “Not really, I just overheard…”

“Shut up, Finn,” Snap says. “You are the one who said you wanted to spend time with everyone before you left.”

“Anyway,” Jessica parts from Poe and moves over to BB-8. “Play something upbeat for us?”

8 replies, saying he has some of Poe’s favorite music that he loaded into his memory so they would be entertained on some of their longer missions. One of Poe’s favorite songs comes on, one that his mother used to listen to a lot when she was working in the kitchen. He strides up to the table, takes a seat and grabs a cookie. Snap and Chewie sit with him while Jessica, Kare and Finn walk around the Falcon, with Finn showing off all the specs of the ship he’s been working on. The disappear around the front side and Poe grabs a bottle of Fizzy Syrup.

“Today I sent 8 to make sure all his software was up to date and he had the latest intel downloaded, as well as updated maps and a few things the General added that apparently are too classified for an X-Wing rat like me,” Snap smiles, grabbing a bottle of Syrup and handing a second to Chewie.

Finn helped me with the Falcon, so it should be ready to go, Chewie says. I’ve decided to sleep in Han’s old bunk, there are two other smaller cabins that Finn and I stocked with linens and such. We’ve got rations, currency, and a secrete cache of weapons and pretty much everything else they need for several weeks for any mission.

“It’s not going to be the same with you guys gone,” Snap says. “I’ve gotten to really get to know Finn, he’s a good guy. And you’ve been around so much that I’ve managed to get used to your stupid face. And that beard, are you going to keep it?”

Poe runs a hand through it. “Yeah, I’m into it. Why, does it look bad?”

Snap shakes his head. “I think it’s a good look for you. Finn can’t stop staring at it.”

“Ah well, I am pretty fucking hot,” Poe jokes, rolling his eyes and hoping Snap drops it before Chewbacca asks.

Chewie and Poe both shake their heads and laugh. Poe looks up to see Finn rounding around the other side of the Falcon with Jessica and Kare trailing behind just a few steps. Finn’s hands are in his pockets and his head is down looking at the ground. He stops right under a strand of lights and looks up with barely moving his head, instantly locking eyes with Poe. His face looks so soft, his shoulders broad, his eyes clear and pupils blown. Poe meets his gaze and shifts slightly in his chair, sitting up a little bit straighter and almost—almost—biting his lip. “Hey,” is all he can manage to say. 

“Hey,” Finn replies back. “Uh, yeah.” He stands up straight and takes his hand out of his pockets. “I was just showing, uhm, they wanted to see the ship.”

Chewie mentions how it feels like home, and it’s good to have it back. 

“If you are going to keep coming around between missions, I’m going to have to learn Wookie,” Snap says.

“All I know is that he said something was good,” Finn says, coming over and sitting between them, with Jessica and Kare sitting on the other side of the round table. “That’s about it. I’m sure by the time this mission is over I will learn a lot more.”

Jessica grabs a drink and raises her bottle “To Poe and Finn.”

“And Chewie and 8,” Poe adds. 

~

After four more bottles of Fizzy Syrup and a sugar high augmented by cookies, Poe can’t stop laughing at a really stupid joke Kare made about Stormtroopers that had Finn blowing syrup out of his nose. He pats him on the back to make sure he doesn’t choke. He rubs between his shoulders for just one second more than he should.

Poe pulls his hand away and rubs it over his beard, a new habit that he’s not entirely disturbed by. “I still need to pack, I’m gonna go. See you all tomorrow morning before we take off.”

After saying goodbye, Poe makes his way back to the room and closes the door behind him. His backpack is still on the bed where he left it when he had that altercation with Barclay. He feels pretty stupid about how that happened, but probably for the better. There is a reason he doesn’t fuck the same person twice and that is a prime example.

He reaches into his pack and starts to take out the contents to and see what he has. In addition to the treats, cards, and gift for Chewbacca, he spent most of his money on something for himself. Stocked up on more pills—just enough to keep him from withdrawal at night during the flight for the first few nights. He’s working now, he’s got to keep a clear head and he sure as shit can’t detox on the Falcon. So he grabs one and swallows it dry, remembering how much that burn of taking a dry pill hurts just a moment too late. That’s such a crazy and fucked up thing he has to think about now. So maybe he’s in too deep. Maybe he’s addicted. Maybe he deserves it. He’s taken medication for headaches or muscle aches while working before. So he’ll stop the pills and drink. At least that leaves his system quicker and he’ll be fine. He can do that. Maybe he can keep himself focused and get rid of the distractions. Like before he knew about Ben or before he was taken by Kylo Ren or before he met Finn. He wasn’t taking pills and drinking all the time then. Maybe he can get back to that point. Or, maybe, just as long as he can manage to not be high or drunk while working, he doesn’t have to stop. 

Maybe he can even forget about that look in Finn’s eyes.

And the way his made his heart drop.

He manages to get his small personal items re-packed, making sure the pills are well hidden, by the time Finn comes back to the room without Snap or BB-8.

“Where are Snap and 8?” Poe asks, moving to his dresser to start pulling out clothes.

“Cleaning up the tarmac,” Finn says. “I packed up earlier, Snap lent me a duffle. Say, Poe…” 

Poe turns around to see Finn standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. He’s looking down at his feet and rubbing the back of his neck. “You okay, buddy?”  
Finn reaches under his bed and picks up the black bag Poe saw him purchase in the market. He holds it nervously, his fingers gripping as if some invisible force is trying to pull it from him. He takes a deep break and looks up at Poe.

“For the past few weeks I’ve been terrified of moving on with my life. Getting cleared to fly just made it that much more real that I have to do something. I have to pick a path and it’s got to be more than just running away from The First Order. If it wasn’t for your support and friendship and everything…I wouldn’t be here now.” Finn swallows. “I can’t imagine moving on with my life without everything you’ve done for me. Maybe someday, when the war is won, you can take me to Yavin-4 and feed me more of that killer spice. Or to see music live. Or visit rooms full of books. This,” he hands Poe the bag, “is for you. It’s a thank you gift. Jessica helped me pick it out. It’s just something, it doesn’t come close to repaying all your help and kindness, but I wanted you to have it.”

Poe opens the bag to find a large leather-bound book. It’s brown and feels warm in his hands. On the front, embedded in the leather, is a gem. “Is that a…”

“It’s a chilocyte, that’s the gem they mine exclusively on Yavin-4,” Finn says, hands in his pockets. “The leather is also from Yavin-4.”

“I know, it’s warm, only leather from Yavin stays warm like this,” Poe turns the book over in his hands.

“Open it.”

Poe locks eyes with Finn for a moment before opening the book. “Wow…”

“These are all stories and poems about Yavin-4,” Finn says. “Jessica and I spent an entire night pouring through the holo-data banks and to find them and then I had someone pen them in the book. My handwriting isn’t that good, yet I suppose.”

He pages through the book, finding it hard to breathe. “Finn, this is the most amazing book I have ever gotten.” He looks up and struggles to keep his cool. He makes his face stone because if he doesn’t, something regrettable will happen and he’ll ruin any admiration that Finn has for him.

Finn smiles wide. “I don’t have a home, but I couldn’t imagine having one and being so far away from it. I owe you the galaxy, but I’m hoping this will do. Thank you, Poe.”

Poe sets the book down on his bed and pulls Finn into a big, warm hug. “Thanks, Finn,” he says softly in his ear. “How did you get the money for this?”

“That five Snap lent me for cards?” Finn laughs and breaks the hug. “Turns out I’m an amazing card player. I turned it into over two hundred in just a few games.”

Poe laughs. “Holy shit, Finn. I paid him that five back after you told me that story.”

“I already paid him back!” Finn laughs, holding his stomach.

Poe takes the book and tucks it into his pack. “I’m going to read this on the way to Nar Shaddaa. Say, do you want to borrow any of my books for the trip? We’ll have down time on the way there.”

Finn makes his way to Poe’s collection and grabs the Battle of Endor book and a few other novelizations, mostly about romance during the fall of the Empire. “I saw this one the other day,” Finn says, grabbing a well-worn book with the Jedi Order symbol on the front.

“That’s a romance story, you sap.” Poe jokes. “It’s about a Padawan who leaves the Jedi Order because he fell in love with the boy who worked in the kitchen. It’s…good.” He swallows. He remembers getting that book from a shop when he was 17, reading it over and over and pretending he was the kitchen boy and that Ben would be the Jedi who would leave the Jedi behind to spend the rest of his life with him. He hasn’t read the book since he was told that Ben died, but he never got rid of it. “It’s a good one.”

Finn smiles. “Well, I’m going to get some sleep.”

Poe throws the rest of his clothes into the bag and sets it by the door, making sure to put the new book gently on top. He turns out the light and undresses, hearing the rustle of fabric as Finn does the same. He crawls into his bed and turns on his side.

“Good night, Finn.”

“Good night, Poe.”

Poe looks up at the ceiling in the dark, letting his eyes adjust to the deep black of a room without a window. He thinks about how tonight could have ended. He wonders if he would have given in and let that happen if he sober. Not that he’s high, he’s had one pill, but it’s just enough to take that edge off and make things just fuzzy enough to feel like he can manage his brain.

‘If he gets captured…you need to make sure that doesn’t happen. Do you hear me, Poe? If it comes down to it, you have to stop him from being taken alive.’

He closes his eyes, pissed off that her order wafted into his brain again. What the fuck right did she have to say that? It makes him so angry to even think that killing someone on their side, someone INNOCENT, is okay. Ben is never going to be Ben again. The only way this war gets won on their side is with the death of Leader Snoke, General Hux and Kylo Ren. Ben did leave the Jedi Order, but he didn’t leave for him. Poe accepts that Ben, Leia’s Ben, his Ben, is gone forever. But the pain remains, that loneliness and emptiness that Poe knows all too well. Something that he thinks Leia is only just swimming in with the death of Han. He can appreciate the anger and the fear that comes with loss. He knows about the self-loathing and the urge to do everything you can to escape that pain. Short of ripping his own heart out, he takes these pills. He drinks. He pushes people away because the thought of loving them and having them ripped away is a level of vulnerability he doesn’t want to feel ever again. So he has to push Finn away.

Maybe it won’t hurt so bad that way. When he finally loses Finn.

~

“Graaa,” Chewbacca says, handing the package to Poe.

“Thank you, sir,” he replies, taking the gift from Ben’s family friend. He looks to his father, who nods. It was really nice of everyone to come over for Poe’s birthday. It’s his ninth birthday, the first one without his mother. His father bought his favorite cookies and invited Ben over, and Ben brought his mom and dad and the really tall walking carpet that Ben has to admit still scares him just a little bit.

“Uncle Chewie gives the coolest presents!” Ben says, sitting right next to Poe.

“Ben, maybe you could teach Poe how to understand Wookie,” Han says, standing next to Poe’s father and smiling. 

“YEAH!” Ben shouts. “Open it, Poe! Open it!”

Poe takes the wrapping off and finds a book. It’s heavy and it takes up his entire lap. It’s bound in dark brown fabric and the pages are thick. On the front is one word: Kashyyyk. He hears Chewie growling and mumbling and looks to Han.

“That is the history of Chewie’s home planet,” Han says, translating. “Completely illustrated. Ben here said that you love books.”

Poe turns the heavy cover and starts paging through it, seeing it’s written it another language with an English translation below each sentence. The art is beautiful with vivid paint colors. He sees Wookies with weapons, some of the fighting on the ground with ships flying above them. It’s so beautiful that Poe doesn’t know what to say. He looks up at Chewbacca and smiles.

“This is so special. Thank you.”

What he didn’t expect is for Chewie to wrap him up in a big, warm hug. He pulls Poe into his lap, with Ben quickly crawling next to him, and opens the book. Chewie reads in his native language with Ben translating. Chewie’s voice is so musical and the illustrations are so enchanting that Poe doesn’t realize that his father, Han and Leia have left the room. He’s only aware of being wrapped up in warm, caring arms with his friend leaning his head on his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I re-tooled this chapter so the discussion with Chewie will happen in the next one ;)


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they take off for Nar Shaddaa, Poe reconnects with his old friend Chewbacca. Finn gets personal and Poe struggles to handle it without pills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In reality, it would probably take them a longer time to get to the Outer Rim systems, but I said 2 weeks since they aren’t going at light speed to avoid rousing suspicion. I also made up the part about Wookies being able to ‘see’ pain. I dunno, just go with it ;)

“Copy that, Black Leader. See you when get you home. Pava over and out.”

Poe turns off the open radio link. “Chewie, set the course for Nar Shaddaa. I’ll go get Finn from the gun and maybe we can watch a movie on 8 or something.” 

Chewie affirms and sets the course, but as Poe stands up he asks him if they could talk.

“Yeah sure, what’s on your mind?”

Leia did ask me to kill you or Finn if it came to that. I told her no.

Poe swallows. “I’m glad you did.”

I’ve known her for a long time. I’m worried about her. I should have turned down the mission and stayed with her. She’s not okay, my friend. There is a cloud hanging over her, a static. It hurts to look at her and her pain.

“I know. Losing Han and Ben…”

She lost Han a long time ago. He never stopped loving her, he talked about her all time. She pushed him away. Han told me what happened. She didn’t want his love or his support. Han, of course, is always emotionally cut off when things get hard. He never told me, but the day he left he came storming out the ship with red eyes and anger falling off of his face in a way I had never seen in all our days together. He ordered that we take off and that was it. 

“So she’s pushing me away too? And you?”

She wanted you to stop her. But, Poe, you just told her off. 

“I refused to comply with that part of the mission,” Poe defenses.

Something is different about you. You are too sad and not angry enough. 

“This war has gone on almost my entire life. I’m tired.”

I’m sad too, Poe. I’ve fought in so many battles in too many wars to even count. I’ve seen my friends win and I’ve seen them die. I know you have seen the same, but the static around you is so dark and intense and it scares me. I’m scared for you, Poe.

“You wookies and your magic vision. Just because you can see pain doesn’t mean you get to call people on it.”

I do it because I love you, Poe. You are like one of my children. I’m not above letting you curl up in my lap and read to you if that’s what it takes. You were always so calm when you did that as a child.

Poe can’t help but laugh. He laughs until he feels the threat of tears and sorry leaking out and he stops himself. Rubs a hand through his hair, down to his beard. “I’ve missed you.”

I’ve missed you too.

Poe stands again. “I’m going to get Finn. Maybe later after dinner we can play cards.”

Finn has the same static, you know. He’s in pain. He’s hurt. His past is dark. And he needs a friend. I hope you are that friend, Poe. Because he seems to have picked you. He talks about you whenever he takes in a breath.

“He’s had a hard go of it, being raised by the First Order. I was just in the right place at the right time.”

I’ve been around long enough to know that it’s more than that. You were always stubborn, just like Leia. I think spending so many years with her helped that part of you grow. It’s what makes you the Black Leader. But it also makes you lonely. Fourteen years, Poe. Fourteen years of keeping him away. Then she landed on Takodana. They spent all of a few hours together and now she’ll never get the chance to talk to him again. Think about that, Poe. Don’t keep someone important to you so far away.

Poe stands and puts a hand on Chewie’s shoulder. “Thanks. And if you need anything, even to talk, please let me know. I’m here for you. I’ll even cuddle in your lap and let you read to me.”

Chewie laughs as Poe leaves the cockpit. He makes his way down quickly, nodding to 8 before reaching the gunner area and calling down. “FINN YOU CAN COME UP NOW.”

He stands over the ladder, watching Finn emerge with a pout. “That was boring. Not a single thing to shoot at.”

“Oh, and you want the First Order to find us?”

“You know what I mean. It’s my first mission, I’m just really excited.” He stands in front of Poe. “So, what’s next?”

“It’s going to take us about two weeks to get to Nar Shaddaa,” Poe replies. “We don’t want to make any stops and leave a trail just yet. We also have a bit of planning to do, come up with meeting spots in case things go bad, go over the maps too. Chewie pulled together all the intel on the actual planet so you aren’t too shocked when we get there.”

“I know about Nar Shaddaa, they call it the Smuggler’s Moon,” Finn defends. “I mean, I’ve never been there, but I’ve heard others talk about it.”

“So a planet full of exotic food, gambling, black markets, any kind of drug or alcohol you can think of and hookers of every species and gender wont’ freak you out too much?” Poe pats Finn on the shoulder. “It’s actually a lot worse than it seems. But if you are trying to hide, it’s a good place to do so.”

“Have you ever been there?” Finn asks.

“Once, when I was younger. Ended up getting drunk and hiring what I now think was a 14-year-old boy to blow me.” Poe shakes his head. 

Finn clears his throat. “Have you always liked having sex with men?”

Poe stops and blinks his eyes. “What?”

“How do you know that you are attracted to someone? Like, sexually? I know about how the whole mechanism works, I know about sex. But how do you know, well.” Finn looks at his shoes. 

“Is this about you and Jessica?”

Finn looks up. “Jessica?”

“I’ve seen the two of you together. She told me you didn’t fuck her on that camping trip,” Poe rubs the back of his neck. “Does your dick get hard thinking about her?”  
Finn shakes his head. “No, no, no, no I…that’s not…uhm, look nevermind.”

“Man, we are friends. If you want advice…”

“This isn’t about Jessica. Look, uh, nevermind. Please?”

Poe turns and keeps walking, with Finn on his heels. “You gotta be careful when we get there. Anyway, I’m gonna go read, you can stand down. Unless we get attacked or hailed, we basically get two weeks off.” Clearly his struck a nerve with Finn.

Poe walks down the halls with Finn next to him until they get to the main sitting area. Chewie is already there, reading something on a holotablet. BB-8 is plugged in and charging his power cells, having stayed up all night to download the most recent maps and specs for the mission. Poe grabs a canteen of water and makes his way to his room, watching Finn pick up the Jedi love story he borrowed and settle in around the game table, very clearly doing everything he can to avoid looking at Poe. Poe decides to go to his room and spend some time alone. 

Poe knows that Chewie is a big softie, and that it would probably make him feel better if Poe took him up on the reading offer. He lost Ben and Han too. He was with Han every day, he was like a brother to him and to watch him die must have been unfathomable. He finds Han’s room and opens the door to find that Chewie put his things on the bed. He assumed that Chewie would sleep in Han’s room—it’s the biggest room on the ship out of the three of them. Probably couldn’t handle the pain of their loss. Poe gently sits on the bed and reaches into his back, digging until he finds the pills. Two weeks worth at 3 pills a day. He’s got to ration them because unless they run out of a vital resource they aren’t going to waste time stopping until they get to Nar Shadda.

He rolls the bottle in his palm and closes his eyes. He images what the static that Chewie sees must look like. He imagines his body covered in strange dots that shift just enough to make it look like they are bugs crawling on his skin. It would be an apt description of how he feels. He wants to swallow the entire bottle. He doesn’t want to die, he wants to not feel. Instead he feels remorse for not having tried to keep in touch with Han and Chewie. He feels sadness at the loss of someone who treated him like a son. He feels pain for his friends who have lost. He feels anger for Leia, too. And guilt for being angry at her. He feels pain because he can’t seem to make everyone else understand why he can’t love Finn.

Finn.

He feels so much for Finn. Lust. Excitement. Joy. Humor. Gratitude. Love. He opens the bottle and takes a pill, chasing it with water from the canteen. He takes out the book Finn gave him and holds the warm leather in his hands. He wishes he could make everyone understand. Finn’s life will be exponentially better without him in it. Yes, he may regret it. But he will never regret that he did what he could to give Finn a chance at that better life. He eyes the bottle and considers taking more, but he can’t. He can’t risk not having enough. He hides the bottle back in the pack and lies down with the book on his chest. It feels warm against him due to the Yavin leather. It’s heavy, like he’s drowning under three wet wool blankets. A vice crushing his chest. He feels his eyes well with hot wet tears and he doesn’t brush them away when they escape and run down the sides of his face. 

He doesn’t want to die. He just doesn’t want to feel anymore.

~

“Ouch,” Poe says, pulling back from the kiss. His lip is bleeding. “You bit me a little too hard.”

Ben wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and sighs, rolling off of Poe and onto his back. “Sorry, it’s been…I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

“Is it your training?” Poe props himself onto his elbows, looking down at his naked body and wishing for a blanket.

Ben seems to read his thoughts and he reaches over with a blanket, covering his own naked body at the same time. “I’ve been kinda hanging out with these other padawan and it’s, well, it’s difficult to explain.” He rolls onto his side and cups Poe’s face in his hands. “I think they want to change the Jedi.”

“How?” Poe asks.

“The balance they talk about? What if that’s just a bunch of shit? There has been balance—back when Master Luke and Darth Vader were the only Jedi? One light, one dark. Look how that turned out. No, there has to be a shift. And there is one coming. Instead of balance and chaos, it will bring order.” 

“What do you mean, order?” Poe reaches up and runs a hand through Ben’s hair.

“It’s just a thought some of us are having. Some of the guys are more intense about it. They talk about founding a splinter group, breaking off from the Jedi Order. I’m sorry, just…thinking about things. It could get nasty. Maybe the Jedi will have some sort of internal shake up, I’m sorry it’s just a stupid little thing to stress over. I’m fine. I have you, naked in bed, and the whole night to make that naked body writhe and scream.”

Ben leans in and gives Poe a dirty, sloppy kiss. It’s hot and biting and he feels the blood on his lip seeping between the two of them.

~

“I’m Naka Iit. A scavenger of sorts.” Once again he looked Poe carefully up and down. “I might just scavenge you.”

Poe tensed. He had no weapon. At least not a blaster or knife or staff. But he had his good looks, a tight ass and a hot tongue and judging by the way Naka was looking him up and down, that might be just enough.

“It’s said that the Blarina are an exceptionally hospitable people.”

“You’e heard that? That must be referring to some other Blarina. It certainly doesn’t sound like me.”

Poe spread his hands wide. “You’d be wasting your time on me. I have nothing worth scavenging. Except myself.” He raises an eyebrow. “You should probably pat me down.”

Naka approaches Poe, peeling his goggles off and tossing them into the sand. His snout is dry, but it reminds Poe of a pig. It feels so disgusting when he leans into Poe’s neck and sniffs in deeply, but Poe keeps his composure. He knows that the Blarina have an excellent sense of smell and that hopefully he smells enticing to Naka. He needs Naka to accept this form of payment. Naka seems to accept because he drags Poe over to his speeder and orders him pull down his pants and bend over.

The hot meal burns his palms a soft pink, but it’s a small price to pay to get off the planet and find BB-8.

~

Poe wakes up to the sound of 8 chittering and chirping at the side of his bed, saying something about dinnertime.

“Fine, fine,” he mutters, sitting up.

What’s wrong?

“I’m tired, 8.” He rubs his hands through his beard. He’s liking his new look. Hobo-pilot chic. Being lazy and depressed suits him.

I am your friend. Friend. You call me friend. But when you don’t fly you are not my friend.

“8, you are my friend. I’ve been…busy.” Poe looks down at the droid. “I’m sorry buddy.”

I like Finn. He is nice to us.

“Yeah, I like Finn too.”

You are my master and my friend. Can we keep Finn around? I like him. I want him to be around always.

Poe bites his lip. “He’s his own person, 8.”

BB-8 makes a sad beeping sigh before rolling out of the room.

Poe gets up and makes his way to the bathroom on board. After taking a leak, he examines himself in the mirror. He looks pale and sweaty, probably because three pills a day isn’t really working the way it should. His curls are getting longer and his beard is thick. He likes it. He’d fuck himself if he met him in a seedy bar. He strips down his clothes and hops in the sonic shower. It creates more of a mist, Poe finds out, than using sound waves to clean. A cold shower seems to be enough to cut the edge off the sweating. 

He takes his cock in hand and jerks off quick and hard, thinking about Finn.

~

Chewie tosses his hand of cards on the table. I’m out, he says. I’m going to sleep. Enjoy your evening, Poe and Finn. BB-8, please take watch in the cockpit and monitor the radio.

“Good night, Chewie,” Poe bids, picking up the cards and shuffling.

“Night, man,” Finn says. 

“Another hand?” Poe asks.

“You can’t afford another hand,” Finn smiles. He looks to see that Chewbacca and BB-8 have left and turns back to Poe. “Hey, about earlier.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I asked you about sex.”

Poe focuses on the cards in his hands. “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I started reading that book you gave me last night. I couldn’t sleep, I was too excited for my first mission and so I started reading it. In the book, the padawan didn’t know what love like that was. He just knew he wanted to kiss that other boy.”

“I think that’s how it starts.”

“Is that how you knew?”

Poe swallows. “I never thought about it. When I was a teenager, I just realized I felt differently for another guy. As I grew older, I tried out a few things but it always came back to men.”

He tears his eyes away from his hands and looks at Poe. “Are you saying I should try a few things?”

He nods. “Sure. We are about to head to a planet with a brothel to fit any sort of desire.” He feels his own desire pooling in his gut, thinking about how he got off in the shower not too long ago thinking about Finn’s fingers curled over his cock, interlacing with his own. He mentally shakes the image out of his head. “You can always tell them to stop. They don’t care, they get paid either way. And after this mission you’ll never see them again so there isn’t anybody getting hurt.”

“Getting hurt?”

He sighs. “Love makes you weak. It makes you vulnerable. It allows someone to hurt you too deeply.”

“You mean like if they don’t love you back, like the padawan thinks. But you told me they end up together, so how does that hurt them?”

“Finn, some people are too dangerous to love. They’ll just hurt you. They won’t be enough for you. Or you won’t be enough for them. They’ll leave and it will kill you.”

“Did someone leave you?”

Poe stands up, leaving the cards on the table. “I’d tired. Goodnight.”

He doesn’t wait for Finn to attempt an apology. He practically runs to his room, tears threatening to spill out the entire way. He can’t begin to tell Finn everything. He won’t let himself become that vulnerable again. He won’t. 

He gets to his room and sits on the bed, scanning for anything that might take off the edge other than his precious pills he has to ration. Han’s personal effects have long since been removed—probably by the people who had it on Jakku. But they probably didn’t know just how clever a smuggler Han was.

He stands up and moves the mattress off the base. It appears to be solid. Poe moves his finger towards the corner on the left side near the foot of the bed and finds the trigger lock. Pressing in, it pops the panel under where his head would lay at night. He pries his fingers under it and slides it back. He reaches in and pulls out the loot. Six large brown bottles full of Han’s favorite liquor. It’s an amber concoction distilled on Corellia, his home planet. He remembers Han sharing sips of it with him and Ben when they got older, making them promise not to tell Leia.

Poe grabs a bottle, placing the door and mattress back where they belong. He opens it and takes a long pull, the smoothness of the drink having only gotten better with the time that has passed. He takes three more long pulls before placing the bottle on the table next to the bed. He judges that he can drink a little over a third of a bottle each night. Fuck, he’s doing the fucking math on just how fucking high or drunk he can get. He just needs to get to Nar Shaddaa. He grabs the bottle and takes one more drink before hiding it in the drawer. He rolls onto his back and puts the book on his chest. 

It’s warm and he swears it has a pulse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the idea of paternal Chewbacca. He too lost Ben and Han and he’s hurting, so clinging to taking care of Poe is his way of dealing. Perhaps the most functional grief process in my fic.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mission lands on Nar Shaddaa. Finn and Poe go exploring and Poe buys Finn a gift. After making a really good choice, Poe makes a terrible one.

They dock after spending nearly an hour negotiating rent with a Hutt named Buchat who happened to own the only long-term dock space left in Hutta Town. It’s a seedy city run by a Hutt dynasty and the prime location for a person with nothing to use either their ass or their brawn to make a buck. If they are going to find defected First Order troops, it will be here. 

Poe is the first one off the Falcon. He couldn’t get off that ship fast enough. He took his last pill last night. Due to a meteor storm they added two days onto the trip and he ran out of pills and only just this morning finished the liquor Han left in his room. Chewie, Finn and BB-8 are on his heels. They take a walk around the ship, Chewie planting security sensors and holodeck recorders so that if anyone pokes around they’ll have footage. During the past week, they’ve been busy making security modifications so that nobody but the three of them can actually fly the ship or access any of the communications or intel in the computers. BB-8 is locked so that even if he were to be kidnapped and downloaded, only Poe, Finn and Chewbacca could open any of his files. Before they left, Leia gave them the DNA coding technology so that there is no code to break or system to hack. Either they use their own DNA to extract the files or it’s bust. Even the Falcon’s systems are DNA coded.

They spent the last day talking about the plan. Chewie’s got some old friends who are probably still on this planet. He’s going to mix in with them and try to figure out who is an ally and who is probably in the pocket of the First Order. BB-8 is going to stay hidden on the Falcon since he’s a prime target just for being stolen in general. They found one of Han’s old compartments to hide him in. Poe and Finn were going to investigate where the likely places for defectors to go and try to ease themselves in. Just a pair of smuggler’s willing to help former FO’s get to the Outer Rim for a price. The plan is to call out transports from random Resistance bases to come pick them up once they are found.

“Chewie, you know what to do.” Poe turns to him, seeing the charm he gave him hanging from the belt around his torso. “We’ll check in with you in a few days.”

Goodbye, Chewie bids, walking down towards a market.

“So, what are we doing?” Finn asks, his voice serious.

“We are going to find a place to stay and a drink,” Poe says, adjusting his new jacket. It’s dark brown, like his old one, but it doesn’t have the detail on the sleeves or the red patches. It’s also new and not worn. It doesn’t smell like it should. But it’s got a great pocket for hiding a blaster. He pats where the blaster is hiding as Finn follows him down towards the main drag of the city.

~

This bar is dark, the only light coming from scattered lanterns on table tops and hanging from the walls. The wood bar is so dark from probably a hundred years of spilled alcohol, sweat, blood and despair that it’s practically black. The floor is tacky and Poe even wonders if the glasses are clean. But it doesn’t matter. He and Finn sit down and he orders a bottle of brown liquid and two glasses, pouring them each a drink. He downs his in one gulp and pours a second. He slaps a bill on the bar and looks at the bartender.

“Know of any cheap rooms around here?” he asks.

“Depends on what you want,” the bartender says. He is definitely half-human but Poe can’t place the other half. Something with scales. “You need a bed for an hour or the whole night?”

“Excuse me?” Finn asks.

“I hope you aren’t charging him too much,” the bartender says to Finn, turning back to Poe. “Whatever he’s charging I can get you the same for a third of the price.”

Poe laughs. This guy thinks Finn is a prostitute. “Nah, he’s my crew mate. We need two rooms, a couple of weeks.”

“The place next door rents long term,” the bartender says before lowering his voice. “You want company? They deal in that too. Pretty much anything.”

Poe looks over at Finn, who is avoiding his gaze. He pats Finn on the back. “Tell you what, we’ll think about it.”

“I do mean anything. Any species. Any age. Hell, if you want a goat they’ll get you one.” The bartender turns and goes down the bar to tend to his other patrons.  
Poe finishes his second drink and pours a third, this one a bit smaller. He has to take it easy but he can’t look suspicious. He offers to refill Finn’s now empty glass, which Finn accepts. “So, you interested in seeing what they have next door?”

Finn swallows his drink in one pull, slamming the glass down. “Are you?”

He laughs and smiles. “Buddy it’s been a long two weeks with just me and my hand.”

“I was hoping maybe you’d show me around.” Finn clears his throat. “I mean, if we get separated.”

“Oh yeah, that’s smart,” Poe stands up, grabbing the bottle. “Let’s go.”

~

Poe decides not to finish the bottle. He and Finn end up leaving it on a bench somewhere. He’s just the good side of drunk and that’s enough. He needs to keep his wits about him because they are working a mission. He’s worked a mission at this level of drunk before, it was a last minute assault that nobody saw coming so he didn’t have much of a choice. None of his pilots died that time, and for that he was grateful. 

Poe takes Finn around the main markets. Finn stops at almost every one with a child-like wonder, letting himself get pulled into haggling a little too easily. Poe does buy him some sort of meat on a stick and a small wooden box that Finn just couldn’t peel his eyes off of. Of course Finn says he doesn’t want Poe’s money, but he doesn’t have any of his own after having that book made for him. Finn’s smile is too big for his face when Poe tells him to wait as he goes back to the stand, returning with the box. The hug he pulls Poe into is also too comforting, too incredible for Poe to tolerate for more than a few moments.

“Thanks, I mean it,” Finn says, parting and taking the box. “I only really own two things, for now. I mean. I want my own stuff. Like you have all your books. I just have this jacket and this box.”

“Why a box?” Poe asks, trying really hard to just face forward and keep walking. Not looking him in the eye.

“I want to fill it with things from all my travels. I’ve read about tokens, mementos. That sort of thing.” Finn tucks the box under his arm. “Thank you, Poe.”

“Anything Finn.” 

What Poe doesn’t expect is for Finn to reach up and take his hand.

“WATCH OUT!”

Poe feels himself flying through the air for a second before landing hard on the ground next to Finn. He looks up to see a small pod taxi skimming the pavement, out of control, and a Blarina running after it cursing. Poe feels the wind knocked out of him so he rolls onto his back, gulping for air.

“You okay, Poe?” Finn leans over his friend.

He nods until he can speak. “I’m good. How’s your box?”

Finn laughs, picking it up. “I dropped it. Just a scratch on the corner though. It’s already had its first adventure.” Finn offers his hand and Poe takes it, getting back on his feet being harder with the near-drunken state. “Sorry if I yanked your hand. I didn’t have time to do much else.”

“Thanks for not letting me die tonight,” Poe says, letting go of Finn’s hand. He feels it’s absence and for a split second thinks about taking it again. “Should we go get our rooms now?”

Finn nods and walks side by side back to the seedy inn they were directed to. When they walk in the small front door they are greeted by a Selonian woman with a neck draped in babbles and trinkets. Her fur has been clearly dyed a bright pink and her lips are much redder than her species would have naturally.

“Hello gentlemen, my name is Curolia. Welcome to my humble inn. To what are you in need of?” 

“We’d like two rooms,” Poe looks over her shoulder down a hallway. “A couple of weeks.”

“Would you be interested in some company this evening?” She asks.

“What do you have?” Poe inquires, seeing Finn fidget in his periphery.

She shakes her head. “No, no. No asking. I can have exactly what you want sent to your room in ten minutes. Selonians can read desires, no need to flip through a book. You want?”

Poe nods. “Yeah. Ten minutes. I’ll pay for whatever he wants, too,” he points to Finn. “Here’s a deposit, and if one of us goes over I’ll make good in the morning.”

“Poe, uhm, I don’t think…”

Poe takes his key from Curolia, lays down a deposit for the first week and enough bills for at least two nights of sex for the both of them and turns to Finn. “So?”

Finn bites his lip nervously and it looks surprisingly sexy. Poe stares at it for a little too long. “Sure. Yes, ten minutes.” He looks to Curolia.

She smiles back, her fur shifting over her eyes. “Ah yes. You will be not disappointed.”

Finn’s room ends up being right next to Poe’s, which both men realize when they approach. Finn awkwardly stands in front of his door, shifting his weight over and over again until Poe finally turns and faces him. “What’s up, buddy?”

“What if I don’t like it?”

“Then tell them to stop, and if they complain about getting paid tell them they’ll get the full price anyway. They are hired, you can’t hurt them and they won’t hurt you. It’s safe,” Poe pats Finn on the shoulder. “Good night.”

“Hey, Poe?”

He looks back up at Finn. Finn’s face looks sad and confused and lonely and lost and it makes his stomach rock in his torso. He looks down at Finn’s hands, which are holding the edges of the opening of the jacket as if he doesn’t know what else to do with them. When he looks back up at his face, he swears Finn has stepped closer. At least it feels like it.

“Buddy,” Poe says quietly. “What is it?”

“If I uhm, what if I need…you?”

Was that ‘what if I NEED you?’ or ‘what if I need YOU?’ Stop reading into this, he tells himself. It doesn’t matter. He’s made his decision. It’s the mission and Finn is not an option. He was never an option and he’ll never be and no matter what, he has to remember that. Always.

“Okay, if something is going bad and you need backup, just rap on the wall three time and I’ll bust down the door. In fact, that’s a good idea. Oh, and a code word too, like if we are around other people or something. This is a mission, right?”

Finn nods, pocketing his hands. “A code word. Uhm, okay. How about parsecs?”

Poe lets a little laugh slip. “Alright. Parsecs. I mean it, have fun with her.” He quickly disappears into his room before Finn can say something else that makes him question his decision.

~

Fourteen minutes after he gets into his room—which is clean but dingy—there’s a knock at his door. He kicks off his shoes on his way to the door.

“I’m sorry I’m late, but Curolia decided last minute to send up this bottle.”

There’s a human standing in his doorway. A young man with chocolate, creamy skin and a bright smile. He’s wearing a tight pair of black slacks and a buttoned white tunic which shoes off his muscular arms and abdominal muscles. He’s holding a bottle of Corellian liquor, aged for a very long time if the dark brown liquid is any indication. He should probably send Finn’s look-a-like packing, but instead he lets him in.

“Curolia says the bottle is on the house,” the man says, setting it on the bedside table. “But if you want anything other than my ass we’ll have to negotiate a rate.”

“Is there anything you won’t do?” Poe asks, reaching for the bottle and taking a long pull before flat-out chugging a third of it. Maybe if he’s full-on drunk he’ll forget what this guy looks like.

The man shrugs. “Not really.”

“Then I’ll pay whatever you want, just make a list and charge it to the room.”

Poe grabs the man and pulls him close, feeling the bulge in his pants. He wastes no time and unbuckles his pants and yanks them down, reaching around this man’s cock and tugging slowly. It’s big and hot and heavy in his hands, but it’s not hard. He pulls away and grabs the bottle, taking another long pull and handing it to his friend, who takes a small sip, probably out of courtesy. He supposes they aren’t allowed to drink while on the clock.

“Tonight you’re gonna suck me and fuck me and then I’m going to fall asleep in your arms until morning. I don’t care how much it costs.”

“Curolia said you’d probably ask for the whole night,” the man says, handing the bottle back. “Now let’s get you off.”

Poe sets the bottle down and lets his hands slide to his sides. The man unbuckles his belt and pants, pushing them down to his ankles. He guides Poe over to the bed and sits him down, settling on his knees in front of him.

“Take it off.” The man does as he’s told, quickly undoing his buttons and peeling the tunic off before reaching for Poe’s cock. 

He can’t help but look over the man’s head, down his toned back, and notice the scar that isn’t there. Because this isn’t really Finn.

He grabs the base and quickly sucks him down, clearly not talented at deep-throating. It’s a warm, hot mouth and that’s good enough for him. Poe reaches for the bottle and takes a few more sips, feeling a weak orgasm build in his balls and tingle in his waist. He sets the bottle down and holds the man’s head over his cock, not warning him when he starts to come. Judging from the way the guy chokes and gags, then spits his come on the floor confirms to Poe that he’s new to this line of work. Or at the very least new to giving blowjobs.

Poe lays on his back, panting and feeling only slightly sated. It’s probably the alcohol now coursing through him. He catches his breath, wishing he could get his hands on some pills right now. “Shit, you’re fucking good.”

“Come on, baby,” the man pulls his pants down all the way, letting his large cock pop free. He’s soft, but after a few tugs it comes to life. 

“Don’t call me that,” Poe says, sitting up to remove his jacket and shirt. “Lubricant?”

The man reaches into the drawer of the bedside table and pulls out a bottle. “We cater to your every need. Now, how do you want it?”

Poe rolls over. “Prep me slow, I like that. Don’t fuck me until I beg. And when you do, fuck me hard. I won’t break.”

The man grunts in approval. Poe can hear his fingers moving against each other, covered in slick and making that familiar sound. He spreads his legs just a little as he feels the man straddle over him and breach him with one finger. He’s clumsy, but gentle. Poe pushes back into the finger, moaning more out of function than actual desire. It feels good, but in the same way jerking off does. It stimulates his body, but it’s not what he really wants. The man pulls the single finger out, ready to add a second, when Poe realizes all he wants to do it get it over with.

“Fuck it, just fuck me,” he says, feeling frustrated and drunk. He really probably should ask this guy to leave but he is hard again and he might as well get his money’s worth.

“You sure? I don’t want to…”

“Do it,” Poe grunts, getting up on his hands and knees. “Fuck me as hard as you can.”

He braces himself for this guy’s cock. He’s been fucked without prep before, he knows it’s going to hurt. It’s going to burn and knock the wind out of him. And it does. Poe doesn’t even care, he cries out in a half grunt, half yell. He begins to babble and moan and shout to drown out his own thoughts and pain. 

“Please, fuck me, please. Harder, faster. FUCK FUCK FUCK ME!”

He knows he sounds obscene, like some hardcore holoporn. He lets the alcohol wash over him and relax his body, his ass loosening just a bit form the release of the tension. He knows he’s doing some damage, but it doesn’t matter. The pain is so bad that he doesn’t even realized that the man came until he pulls out and collapses on the bed next to him.

“That was insane, man,” the man pants. “You’re bleeding. It ain’t bad enough for a doctor though.”

“Then fuck it, they can change the sheets in the morning,” Poe says, rolling into the man’s arms.

But they feel sweaty and sticky and not warm and comforting and inviting. 

~

His body hurts, but he walks anyway. His stomach still threatens to wretch, even though he left all of its contents on the floor of his cell. He feels the Stormtrooper’s hand on his elbow, guiding him down the hallway in a swift gait that was probably etched into him since he was a child. It’s just on the side of too fast and Poe knows that his sore body is about to trip and stumble. Despite the speed, he feels like that blaster bolt hanging in the middle of the air back on Jakku; something bad is about to happen and he’s just watching it, helpless to stop.

The Trooper pulls Poe into a small closet and Poe raises his bound wrists in front of him, ready to do everything he can to stop that bolt from moving. What he isn’t expecting is for the trooper to talk to him.

“Listen carefully and pay attention. You do exactly as I say, I can get you out of here.”

“If…what?” Poe asks, confused.

What he isn’t expecting, yet again, is for the trooper to remove his helmet. “This is a rescue. I’m helping you escape. Can you fly a TIE fighter?” 

Poe examines the sweat-covered face just inches from his own. His skin is chocolate and creamy. His eyes dark and intense. His lips full. There’s something so incredible about this person before him, something instant and strong, that he’s rendered speechless. It’s intense, the way his entire body starts tingling just being near this man. He could get drunk off him and die happy. There is no way this is a real feeling. This has to be another level of Ren’s torture, making him think he has a way out. Giving him hope only to crush it.

“Are you…with the Resistance?”

“What, no I’m just breaking you out. Can you fly a TIE…”

“I can fly anything,” Poe replies. Something in his chest soars and he can’t tell if it’s the man standing before him or the hope of escape. “But why are helping me?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do.”

“You need a pilot,” Poe states so quickly he isn’t even sure he did it until the man replies.

“I need a pilot.”

~

Poe wakes up in the middle of the night, barely able to move. He manages to roll off the bed and stand, crying out just a little bit before biting his tongue. He reaches for the bottle, downing the rest of it and hoping it will numb his pain. He turns around to see the sheets dotted with blood and a red condom in the trash can next to the bed. Not as much as that one time Gregory fucked him dry. Doesn’t really fucking matter. Hurts like a bitch, but he’ll be able to sleep most of the day. Nothing much happens on Nar Shaddaa when the sun is up.

He goes to the private toilet and shower in the back of the room, taking a leak and running a hot shower. He doesn’t spend a long time under the hot water, mostly because it hurts to stand and he’s still a bit drunk. He just wants to get this man’s sweat off his skin. He uses the cheap soap provided by the inn and washes his hair, beard and skin quickly. 

As he climbs back into bed, he curls up with the sleeping hooker. He’s paying for it, he might as well pretend that he’s sleeping with someone who loves him. This man won’t hurt him and he can’t hurt this man, it’s safe. Safe, that’s what he told Finn. He’s almost nodded off when he hears muffled voices on the other side of the wall in Finn’s room. He hears the door open and close, footsteps moving down the hallway away from them. Poe wonders who she sent to Finn’s room and what they did.

Poe realizes that he didn’t hear Finn moaning or anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry/not sorry. Also, Selonians look like person-sized otters basically, it’s on Wookipedia.
> 
> Also, I'm helping host a table for my Supernatural fan club at a con this weekend so the next chapters may be slow coming. I apologize. They will be well worth it.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Finn continue working the mission. Finn finally pushes back. Poe’s dreams take a weird turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BONUS POINTS goes to the person who picks on up on the Big Trouble in Little China reference ;)
> 
> Also I'm sorry this took a while. I had super fun at the Con and broke my Comicon cherry. Now I'm booking hotels and trips to at least 3 other cons this year and I've started drawing the patterns to my own Poe cosplay (I roped my husband into playing Finn).

Poe finally crawls out of bed around noon when he hears a knock at his door. He’s noticed his ‘friend’ is gone and there is some sort of note on the table next to the almost empty bottle of liquor. He pulls on pants and stands, his body aching each step to the door.

“Did I wake you?” Finn looks tired, but alert. He smells like the same cheap soap Poe washed in last night. Finn’s wearing clean clothes with the jacket slung over his shoulder. That bastard looks better in it than Poe ever did, regardless of whatever his numerous hook-ups have said in the past.

“Yeah, but that’s fine, come on in,” Poe gestures. He quickly walks back to the bed and pulls the blanket over it to cover up the now brown blood stains. Against the white sheets they are too noticeable, and there is just enough of it that any rational human being would ask questions about how they got there. He quickly picks up the note and reads it. ‘Just tell Curolia you want Darmin next time.’ He crumples the note and tosses it on the trash can, covering the blood-stained condom from the night before.

Finn sits in a small wooden chair in the corner. “I was thinking we should go to some of the shipping yards. You know, a place where someone with muscle could get an easy job loading or unloading freight. I could get a job there, try to spot some defectors. I’ll know the things to look for. Then I send them to you and you arrange transport to D’Qar.”

“You’re smart, Finn,” Poe says, sitting back on the bed, not being able to hide the wince from pain in his ass. 

“When we got to Takodana, I got a job on a freighter.” Finn sighs. “I was trying to get as far away from the First Order as possible. I figured I was strong enough and I would do almost anything, no questions asked. They hired me.”

“Wow man, I didn’t know that. How did you…”

“End up on D’Qar? Well, after Starkiller destroyed the Hosnian system, I ran back to find Rey. That’s when the troopers landed and Solo, Chewie and I fought and, well, you know who won that fight.” Finn smiles. “They had us in cuffs ready to board onto Ren’s personal carrier when you showed up and took them out.”

Poe tries not to blush but he’s so hungover and tired and sore that it happens anyway. “It’s all in the reflexes.” 

Finn laughs. “I mean, we could have fought them off but it seemed only fair to let you show off.” He looks Poe dead in the eyes and beams. Poe watches his gaze travel down before he breaks contact and stares at the floor.

“Oh, sorry, I’ll put something on,” Poe says, realizing he’s still topless.

“It’s okay, uhm, yeah,” Finn says.

“Nope, I got it.” He runs his hands through his hair and beard, attempting to do what he can to make himself presentable. He gets up and starts to paw through his bag. He knows he shouldn’t ask but the words leave his mouth before he can catch them. “How was your night?”

Finn starts to fidget with his hands, staring at the ground. “Uhm, well, fine I guess.”

“Did you get laid?”

He nods. “Yeah. I did. First time.”

Poe swallows a lump threatening to spill out of his mouth. “Right, that was your first time. Was it what you expected?”

“Did she say she could read our minds or something? Because if I would have gotten to choose I wouldn’t have chosen that. I mean, he was very nice and asked me about everything first it just…it wasn’t what I wanted my first time to be like I guess. Something was missing. It wasn’t…right. Like what actually happened was nice, but it was with someone paid to do it. It wasn’t…personal. It wasn’t who I wanted. Does that make sense?”

“You know if she got it wrong you could have sent him back downstairs. I’ll talk to her, get our money back. Or you could just talk to her about what you want.”

Finn stands up. “No, I mean he worked so he should get paid.” He moves over to Poe but stops just out of arms reach. “I’m hungry. Are you? Well, uh, yes. I’ll wait for you downstairs.”

Poe watched Finn walk out of the room and lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Finn did get laid last night, and he apparently wanted a man. But not that man. It wasn’t who he wanted. And now he’s lost his virginity and that’s not something he can just get back. He woke up the next morning feeling like it was wrong and that he should have waited for someone else.

He realizes that was such an awful thing to do to Finn.

~

It didn’t take long for both of them to get jobs working for the same docking crew. Their job was to unload whatever freight came in on that dock. It was a big enough dock, with room for up to ten ships. And it was a big crew, about twenty-five of them in total. They get paid at the end of each shift since apparently enough people only work a shift or two before moving on. It’s the perfect place for a former trooper looking to get away from the First Order, Finn tells him as they gather their pay and leave their first shift.

“This is the first paying job I’ve ever had,” Finn says as they make their way to a little market for dinner. “I know I’m in the Resistance, but I don’t get paid.”

“I know what you mean. If General Organa could afford to pay us, she probably would. But we get our needs met. Sometimes she puts money in our accounts without telling us as a surprise. When she can.” Poe fingers the bills in his pocket, wondering how soon he can buy something to keep that edge off and the pain in his ass numb. Granted he’s been on the lowest dose of pills as possible so he isn’t really in full detox mode, but his head is constantly pounding and he’s just a little dizzy.

“I want to eat something purple,” Finn says, pointing to some interesting fruits at a stand up ahead. “Then I want some Fizzy Syrup. Then I want to explore.” He turns to Poe. “Will you go with me?”

He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t. But he nods. “Yeah, sure. I’ll cover your back. That's what we do, right?”

Poe tries to pay for Finn’s food, but instead Finn pays for the both of them. He can tell that Finn is proud to use his own money. Poe opts for some sort of brewed alcohol instead of the Fizzy Syrup. Between the slow detox over the past two weeks and the hangover, he needs to stop the shakes and at least mask a bit of the pain from last night. As they eat and walk, Poe alternates between eating his own fruit and meat on a stick and looking up at Finn. Finn can’t stop smiling and it’s better than any drink or drug. 

Until Poe remembers that it’s not an option.

“Hey,” Poe throws his now-empty bottle in a nearby trash can. “I think I’m going to go back to the inn.”

Finn stops chewing for a moment, just staring at Poe for a beat, before answering. “Yeah, sure.”

“You okay on your own? You have the knife and that small blaster,” he references the blaster tied under his pant leg.

“Yeah, I’m actually kind of tired. Ya…that uhm, the guy I was with last night said there was a shop on the same block as the inn that sells books. I was going to pick out something. I read the books you let me borrow like, twice on the way here.” He finishes his fruit and throws the paper in the trash can. “My back aches so I’m not up for any adventures.”

Poe can tell that whatever joy Finn was feeling is now gone. He knows that feeling. Dejected. He wanted to spend time with his friend. Granted, Poe would rather be anywhere in the world that with Finn right now because of the very reasons he also wants to be right here more than anywhere in the world. “You know, do you mind if I come with you for a little bit? I could grab something to read as well. It’s on the way, right?”

Finn’s smile returns. “That would be great.”

The shop that they end up in isn’t just a shop that sells books, it’s practically a library. The shelves are so close together than Finn and Poe can barely move in the same aisle together. On the ends, extra books were stacked almost chest height. It smelled like paper and leather and smoke and dust and even some rot. The alien at the counter swore he knew every single title in the shop. Poe finds himself lost three feet into the first aisle, finding books from every corner of the galaxy. He picks up an older copy of the Jedi romance that he lent Finn. 

Poe decides to take the Jedi romance and a few more by the same author. When they get back to the inn, Poe walks Finn to his room.

“Thanks for coming with me to the book shop,” Finn says, just standing in front of his room door.

“I got you a present,” Poe says, pulling out the Jedi romance. “Your own copy. Looks like an original printing, got it for a good price.”

Finn tucks his purchases under his arm and takes the book, touching the cover gently. “The blue fabric is still soft, barely tattered.” He looks back up at Poe. “This is very kind. Thank you.”

“Don’t stay up too late, we have work tomorrow,” Poe says, beginning to walk towards his own room.

“Poe?”

He turns to see Finn with one hand on his door handle, looking down at it like he can’t believe it’s his own hand. “What’s up, buddy?”

“Do you want to come in?” He looks up at Poe and just stares for a few seconds.

“Come in?” Poe asks, nearly on a whisper.

Finn turns back to looking at the books in his other hand. “I could give you your books back.”

“That can wait until we get back on the Falcon,” Poe gestures to his own purchases. “I’ve got new ones.”

Finn nods. “Sure. Right. Well, if you change your mind I’ll be up for a bit, reading. Uh, goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Poe turns and enters his room not looking back. He should know better than to let himself act like he doesn’t feel for Finn, that he doesn’t want to go back over there right now and knock on his door. That’s Poe’s problem, he always wants. He wanted his parents to come home to him. He wanted to make them proud. He wanted his mother to live and he wanted Leia and Han to love him. He wanted Ben to love him. He wanted to be the best pilot he could be because he wanted to fly away from all the other wants and so far that mission has never let him down.

He sets down his books, straightens his jacket, and leaves his room. He stops in front of Finn’s door and stares at that same door handle Finn was staring at. He bites his lip and raises his hand to knock, but stops. This is not an option. Invitation or not, he should not knock on this door. He can’t do that to himself, not again. He wouldn’t be able to handle the look on Finn’s face when he makes a move, tries to kiss him. The confusion and the awkwardness that would surround their final days of friendship. It would hurt Finn and he couldn’t bear to be the cause of Finn’s pain.

So Poe puts his hand down and walks down the hallway towards the stairs. He walks out of the door of the inn and directly into the adjacent bar. He sits down at the bar and motions to the barkeep. “You work with the madame next door, right?”

“Sure do,” the man pours him a drink.

“I don’t want whatever she thinks I want.” Poe picks up a scrap of paper and pencil and scribbles a few lines. “I want this.”

The man looks over Poe’s request. “I’ll send this over. In the meantime, I’ll keep pouring.”

Poe slaps his pay on the table. “If this doesn’t cover it, let me know.”

~

It’s all hands and lips and grinding. Poe’s skin tingles at the touches but not in the electric way it should be. It’s numb from the alcohol and he’s pretty sure one of them slipped him something else. The brunette is the one with his tongue in Poe’s mouth. He thinks. He opens his eyes but the hallway is dim and he’s drunk and high on something. The blonde is on his knees right now, pulling at Poe’s belt buckle. Poe weakly protests, muttering something about taking the party back to his room. The blonde stands up and pulls Poe away from the brunette so he can nibble on his ears. His ears feel like kites on the sides of his face. Kites? He could fly right now.

“Come on,” Poe laughs, grabbing them both by their hands and walking them two more doors down.

The get inside and suddenly their hands are back on him, stripping him of his clothes and their own so fast that Poe barely has time to feel the cool air on his skin before its covered by the skin of his paid companions. It’s hand and lips and grinding again, but at least the touches are warm. He feels holts of electricity running from their fingertips, but it’s not emotional. It’s harsh and it hurts but it’s also fluttering under his skin and it makes him want to peel his own skin off. Whatever they gave him down in the bar, it’s amazing. Nothing hurts. It’s not great, but it doesn’t hurt. He keeps kissing them, feeling their hands on him. It seems like hours of numb warm touches and sloppy dishonest kisses before he smells the lubricant and feels fingertips dancing at his sore asshole.

“Gentle, I had a rough night last night,” Poe pants. “But not too gentle.”

The blonde drops to his knees behind him. Poe feels his hands part his ass and his tongue start licking and probing. Poe bucks when he adds a finger to the mix. At the same time, the brunette bends to suck on his nipples, alternating between the two quickly. Poe feels a second and then a third finger work their way in. After what feels like days he feels prepped. It stings and burns but he just needs to feel the release. He pushes the brunette’s head down and soon feels a mouth on his cock. He looks around the room and everything feels like it’s closing in on him and it’s so far out of his reach at the same time.

“I gave him everything and he fucking destroyed it all,” Poe pants. “I fucking deserve this.”

“You do baby,” the blonde says, moving to stand behind Poe. “And we’re gonna give it to you.”

“Don’t fucking call me baby, but yeah,” Poe swallows. He closes his eyes and tilts his face to the ceiling. “Give it to me.”

He feels the blonde position his cock and push it in. It stings more than it should with that level of prepping, but it’s still pretty numb compared to what it should be. He wishes he had another drink and tablet, but this will do for now. The redhead is on the floor in front of him, sucking his cock, while the blonde starts fucking him. It’s not slow or fast, but steady and forceful. Poe groans and moans, watching the brunette below him deep throat him each time the blonde slams into him.  
“Fuck, oh fuck me,” Poe mutters. He reaches a hand over to the small table next to them where he can see the bottle of liquor from last night with at least one more pull left. But a well-timed thrust jostles him and it falls to the floor, shattering and sending that last bit of drink. He laces his fingers into the brunette’s hair instead, keeping him down on his cock.

Poe hears pounding on the door, but with everything happening to his body he’s too slow to register what’s happening. By the time he can think that he should do anything, the door is busted off its hinges and Finn stumbles into the room.

“FUCK,” Poe shouts, pulling away from the blonde and brunette and nearly falling to the floor. He reaches behind him and grabs the sheet off the bed. “Fucking hell Finn!”

Finn’s jaw is hanging open. He’s panting and staring at Poe with…intensity? He can’t comprehend it. There’s something there, and he knows it means something, but he feels this lovely numbing fog almost creating a film between his eyes and his brain and about three minutes ago it was the best feeling in the world and now it just confuses him.

“You, I heard a crash. I thought you were here alone so I…” he stops, closing his jaw. His lips are pressed so tightly together that his entire face looks hard.

Poe looks over at the other two men, who are still naked. The blonde is standing there, gently tugging on his cock—probably to keep it hard for Poe—and the brunette is kneeling on the floor, covering his own cock with his hands. “You guys can go.”

“What about our money?” The blonde asks.

“You can keep it,” Poe says. This seems to satisfy both men and they quickly get dressed in silence. He watches them walk around Finn and waits until he hears their footsteps down the hall before he looks back at Finn and instead of being embarrassed or pain for him, he’s pissed off. “Uh, I’m fine. And now I’m out the cost of those two and I haven’t even gotten off.”

Finn nods fast with his chin. “Alright I’ll just go down the hall and get them back here for you.”

“No, don’t fucking bother, the mood is ruined,” Poe hisses. “You know I can fucking take care of myself.”

“I came in here to make sure you were okay,” Finn says softly. “I got your back, remember?”

“Just go back to your books and let me jerk off,” Poe lays on his back, angry at himself for this anger he feels. 

“Fuck you,” Finn says under his breath as he leaves.

~

“What do you look for in a girl, Pilot Dameron?”

The group of fighter pilots is seated around a mess table, practically inhaling the meager rations that this base has. Poe swallows his bite and takes a sip of his tea, looking around at the table. “She have a cock, for one.”

“Shit,” the pilot who asks the question takes a wad of bills out of her flight suit and hands them to the guy seated next to her. “All the good ones want to fuck anyone but me.”

Poe spits out his tea. “Who are you?”

“Pilot Jessica Pava,” she smiles. “This is my friend Temmin, but everybody calls him Snap. So, Pilot Dameron, what do you look for in a guy?”

Poe looks into his tea. It’s been five years since Ben died. He’s been with other men since then, but he’s never thought of them as people to be close to. He’s never wanted more from them than that. It’s odd, he supposes, but it’s like he never ‘wanted’ any of them, not really. He just liked kissing them, touching them, being fucked by them. But he didn’t look for anything in them.

“I want someone that makes me smile. I want someone who looks at me the same way I look at him. I want to hear my name come out of his mouth and my entire body sigh. I want real love. I want to meet the guy that I’ll take back to the house I grew up in. I want someone so badly that it tears me apart when I can’t be with them.” Poe clears his throat and stands up. “Excuse me.”

Poe ignores the calls for his new companions to come back to the table and he runs down the hallway. He manages to go outside into the hangar on this desert planet and he stops, panting in the dry heat. Tears sting his eyes and he collapses to his knees, watching his tears fall off his face and hit the hot tarmac. What he wants is Ben Solo. Ben is the guy who looked at him that way, who says he name with so much love and reverence it makes Poe feel unworthy. He wanted to take Ben to the home he grew up in. He wants Ben so badly that it tears him apart every single day since he died.

“Poe Dameron.”

Poe looks up and see Finn standing in front of him, wearing his Stormtrooper armor. “Finn?”

Finn holds his hand out to Poe. “Do you want to come in?”

Poe nods and takes his hand. The moment he touches Finn’s hand he disappears and instead he’s holding Kylo Ren’s hand.

“Your love was not enough, Poe Dameron,” the masked voice says. “I was already turning to the dark side when you loved me.”

Poe tries to let go of his hand but he can’t. “I can still save you. I can still be enough.”

“You’ll never be enough. You will never be worthy of love.” Kylo shakes his masked head.

“LET HIM GO!” Finn re-appears, wearing Poe’s jacket. He’s wielding a blue lightsaber and it flies through the air between him and Kylo Ren. Poe screams, but he doesn’t expect Finn to stop. He screams because of the pain. He screams because of the loss he has already suffered and will suffer more. His screaming doesn’t stop Finn from cutting off Kylo’s hand. Poe watches the hand hit the tarmac and turn to dust on the ground. He looks back up to Finn.

“You need a pilot,” Finn says, touching his shoulder. “Let me in, Poe Dameron.”

~

Poe wakes up with tears streaming down his face. When he dreams his past, it never mixes into nightmares. This is new.

It’s horrifying.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn has finally had enough.

Two more days pass. Finn doesn’t ask Poe to spend time with him anymore. Finn orders whatever food he can find at the food stands on the way back to the inn after their shifts at the dock and goes straight to his room, always muttering about reading his books. After the first night, Poe wakes up to see his books that he lent Finn piles neatly outside of the new—and expensive—door to his room.

While two more days pass, two more nights pass. Two nights where the only thing Poe pays for are bottles of liquor. Curolia of course has them delivered to his room by very attractive men, which Poe has to send away. He sits on his bed and spreads his books around him, paging through them and reading some until he’s so drunk that the words blend together. He’s so fucking disappointed in himself for hurting Finn. Every time he realizes that in his attempt to not hurt Finn he’s managed to hurt him and lose friend, he swallows another half bottle.

On the third morning, Poe opens his door to see his father’s jacket folded neatly on the ground.

Poe doesn’t put it on. He puts it on his bed and closes his door. He meets Finn down on the street outside of the inn and nods. Finn silently follows him back to the port where the Millennium Falcon is docked. Today is the day they meet with Chewbacca to share intel on the mission. The mission. That’s what Poe is here for, the mission to help save other First Order defectors. Save. He didn’t save Finn. He destroyed him. He looks over at Finn occasionally as they walk, but Finn keeps looking straight ahead.

“Finn, I want you to keep the jacket,” Poe says softly as they approach the ship.

“It’s time I get my own things,” Finn says quickly, bursting in speed to lose Poe.

Poe bites the inside of his cheek to keep from screaming out in pain and anger. The blood begins to pool on his tongue and he swallows rapidly as he boards the ship. Chewie is already there, seated at the game table in the main sitting room. BB-8 was turned back on and he rolls up to Poe and starts beeping away, asking why Finn looks so angry and he looks so sad. Poe just stoops to one knee and pats his droid on the head, saying how he missed him.

“We found a job on a dock but so far nobody stands out as a former Stormtrooper,” Finn says.

Chewie turns to Poe, asking him if he’s feeling well. Both him and Finn don’t look well and the static around Finn is on fire. Poe just looks black and he doesn’t like it.

“We’re fine, just tired. Lots of physical labor,” Poe says. He clears his throat. Chewie then asks the sorts of things Finn would look for.

“We are trained to be efficient. The way we load boxes or unload freight, for example. We would never show any sign that the packages are heavy. We don’t grunt or laugh while working. It’s very automatic. We also don’t socialize during our down time, mostly because we don’t have downtime. We work until the job is done and move to the next. I would expect a former Trooper to take a few short breaks, modeling what everyone else is doing, but we would keep to ourselves and then be the first ones back to work. Nobody stands out like that.”

He can’t help but notice Finn’s use of ‘we’ when he talks about Stormtroopers. It’s unsettling. Poe stands up and begins to pace, with 8 on his heels asking him what’s wrong. “So maybe in a few days we get another job? Just cycle through all the places, we’re bound to find some defectors.”

Chewie agrees, adding that the inn he’s staying in on the other side of the city is much larger and it’s right next to a much larger port and market. Poe translates for Finn, the whole time Finn staring at Chewie like he is speaking. It would piss Poe off if he wasn’t so sad.

“More traffic, easier to get lost in the mix,” Finn replies. “Sounds like a plan. I could move over there today. Poe should probably stay where he’s at, catch any on this side of town.”

Poe stops and looks at Poe. “I have no idea what to look for. Besides, we have to have each other’s backs.”

“Chewie is working the mission, too,” Finn says, looking at the Wookie. “He’s got my back.”

“I’m in charge of this mission and I call the shots,” Poe rubs his hand through his beard. “Chewie, we’ll move. Both of us.”

Finn glares at him. “That’s not a good idea.”

“I order it.” Poe stays, putting his hands on his hips.

Finn stands up. “Yes, sir. Is there anything else or should I go get my things?”

“You are dismissed.”

Poe waits until Finn storms off the ship before he lets go of the breath he was holding. He goes to sit down, feeling hung over and broken. “Don’t even fucking ask, Chewie.”

Chewie gives out his own sigh. Poe, I worry. You are so dark, and Finn is so angry. Something is very wrong and I’m worried that you are not fit to continue to lead the mission.

Poe slams his hands on the table. “I am fit to lead the mission, Chewbacca. I AM leading this mission. Are you threatening mutiny?”

No need to be dramatic, Chewie replies. You are hungover on Corellian liquor. I know that hangover well, I saw it on Han nearly every morning after Ben was gone.

BB-8 asks Poe why he’s so angry and sad and how he can help. Is the mission in danger?

“It’s been tough,” Poe stands up. “I was kidnapped and tortured by the First Order, nearly died in a crash, led the charge on Starkiller and lost a lot of good fighters, and now I’m here combing through bars just to find a few defected troopers that the General seems to can’t live without. We should be taking the fight to the First Order, not fucking around here saving little orphaned troopers.”

Chewie walks across the room and finds a small bottle, handing it to Poe. He tells him it’s a tonic that Han used to take to help get over hangovers and the should take it and go lay down before Chewie locks him up in the brig.

“There’s no brig…”

The Wookie responds by telling Poe not to tempt him.

~

“Shhh, you’re going to wake my parents,” Ben hisses.

“Then stop sucking my cock,” Poe hisses back.

“Okay,” Ben teases, moving his face away.

“You jerk,” Poe teases, wrapping his fingers through Ben’s hair. “I missed you.”

Poe pulls Ben back up to his face and kisses him. “I missed you too. Even if we can’t get away to be on our own this time.”

“Seriously, we are going to have to be quiet if we don’t want to wake them up,” Ben says.

It’s a good thing they are best friends, nobody batted an eye when they offered to share a bunk due to the shortage of beds on the Falcon when Han, Leia and Chewie are on board as well. Poe rolls over so he’s straddling Ben. He starts to nip at his neck. “I want to fuck you tonight.”

Ben laughs. “You know I like being the top better.”

“I know, but please? I’ve only done it a few times and I’m in the mood for it.” Poe continues to kiss and lick his way to Ben’s naked chest, rolling nipples in his teeth and humming lips against his skin.

“I think you’ll have to gag me,” Ben says. “Because you do make me scream.”

Poe kisses Ben, grinding into him to excite him. Ben groans and pushes up against him, causing Poe to cover Ben’s mouth to keep him quiet. Poe hears the door open and he instantly pushes off of Ben. He looks up to see Finn standing there, arm outstretched, holding the jacket in his hands.

“Keep it. It suits you.”

“No, it’s yours,” Poe says. “Finn, it’s yours.”

Poe looks down to see Ben covered in Kylo Ren’s clothing and mask. He screams and rips off the mask only to see his own face staring back at him. His face is dirty and streaming with tears. His lip his bloody and there is a huge gash on the side of his face that seeps blood.

“Poe, you have to let me go.”

He shakes his head. “I’m not going to do that.”

“I’m broken, sad, bleeding. You don’t need me. I’m just destroying you. Let me go.”

Poe looks to see Finn, wearing the jacket, and standing next to him and holding out his hand.

“Let go, Poe. Let go of him and come with me. It’s not too late, I can still forgive you. You can make it right. Please. Come with me. I need a pilot, Poe Dameron. I need you.”

~

Poe wakes up with the driest mouth in the galaxy. He stands and feels his whole body tremor just a little as he walks out of the room and towards the common area to find some water. He pours a glass and downs it, pouring another. Chewie walks in and asks Poe if he feels better.

“Physically, yeah,” he turns to Chewie. “Thanks.”

I can feel your pain, Chewie says, sitting at the round table. I was around after Ben was gone, I remember what you were like. I remember after your father died. You feel the same way now, about Finn. You feel like you lost him somehow, don’t you?

Poe cocks his head, thinking about how to deny Chewie’s observation but coming up blank. 

What happened? Chewie asks him, motioning for Poe to sit next to him.

“Nothing,” Poe says, refusing to sit. “I’m fine, I’m just tired.”

That’s not all.

Poe slams his glass down, water sloshing over onto his fingers. “I don’t like this bullshit mission. I’m running around on this fucking planet when I should be fighting the First Order head-on. I should be flying my X-Wing right up Ben’s ass!” He wipes his hands on his pants. “I should go get my things.”

Poe walks through the streets with his head still pounding and his chest heaving from so much more than the effort of his walk. He tries to focus on the sound of his shoes until he gets to his room at the inn. The first thing his eyes focus on is the jacket folded on his bed. It was his father’s jacket and then it was his. Ben gave it to him and he kept it. Then he gave it to Finn. It’s Finn’s jacket. The fact that he doesn’t want it anymore makes Poe want to jump off a cliff.

“Poe?”

Poe turns around to find he left the door open and Finn is standing there with his duffle bag over his shoulder. “Hey, Finn.”

“Are you okay?”

Poe lifts a hand to his face and feels the tears on his cheeks. He wipes them and starts moving around the room, picking up his things. “I’ll be fine.”

“I just thought you wanted it back,” Finn says softly. “You were so upset with me that I thought you’d want it back.”

Poe stops what he’s doing and faces Finn again. “I’m sorry. Okay? I, I didn’t mean to turn on you the other night. You were just doing your job and covering my back. I should have told you I wasn’t going to be alone. I was drunk and I had no right to lash out at you.” He hands Finn the jacket. “I still want you to have this.”

He puts his hand up to take it but withdraws it. “No, you don’t.”

“I’m an asshole,” he starts to gather the rest of his things, slamming the jacket into his bag. “As asshole with his own shit to lug around. Just take the fucking jacket.”

Finn shakes his head. “Not now, sir. It’s…I can’t. I’ll go wait downstairs for you.”

Poe shakes his head. “You don’t have to wait for me.”

“No, I will.”

“Let’s stop by the bookshop on the way back,” he adds. “I want to get some more books and there is one by the same author of that Jedi romance you like that I think you’d enjoy.”

After Finn leaves, Poe Is stuck with himself again. He can repair his friendship with Finn. He can make it better. Finn said he wouldn’t take the jacket now, but he might soon. It’s not over, right? Poe tucks the last of his things into the bag and slings it over his back. Before he leaves he sees a few sips of liquor in the bottom of a bottle near the bed. He grabs it and takes a long pull to the get the last drop, no longer feeling the burn as it slides down. It’s like water to him now.

When he gets downstairs he sees Finn talking to a dark haired man. The man is about Finn’s height and he’s got muscle definition and tanned skin. His clothes are very tight over his body and his curly hair is combed back. He has a good three day’s worth of facial hair and he can’t stop touching it while he talks to Finn. Finn looks over the man’s shoulders and sees Poe, quickly ending the conversation and walking up to him. 

“Ready?” Finn asks.

Poe watches the attractive man walk away. “Who was that?”

Finn clears his throat. “Uhm, well, he’s uh, he works here and…he was the guy. You know. Not that it’s any of your business.”

“Oh, the guy you lost your virginity to,” Poe says quietly, leading Finn out of the inn and towards the bookshop. "I really should get our money back, he looks like a loser.”

Finn shrugs. “Like I said before, it wasn’t who I wanted. But I guess that’s the way things are, right? That’s how it was when I was in the First Order. I didn’t know what wanting was for most of my life. Maybe now that I know what it’s like to want I have to get used to the disappointment when I can’t get it.”

“Life is pretty disappointing; I guess that’s one thing the Resistance has in common with the First Order.”

“Is that why you drink?”

Poe stops. “Sure, man. Because of that and it feels good. Or numb. It’s better than feeling like you aren’t good enough or you don’t get what you want or that you let everyone down.”

“That’s not normal? Feeling that way?”

Poe turns to face Finn. “What do you mean, buddy?”

“All I’ve ever felt was not good enough, not worthy, that I was a waste. I could never be good enough. All of us were raised that way.” Finn swallows and Poe can see tears building in his eyes. “When I landed on Jakku and saw what was happening it was like something inside me snapped and I realized that I could feel more. It’s terrifying. Sometimes I’m so overcome with emotions that I can’t handle it. Like, being on this planet. Eating the fruit from the market. Reading all these new books. Sometimes it would be nice to shut it all off. It’s too much.”

Poe pulls Finn into a hug. “Me too.”

“Everything I feel is so intense. I feel hate and hunger and happiness and joy and love and pain and emptiness,” Finn cries into Poe’s shoulder. “Make it stop.”

Poe starts to nearly rock Finn in his arms, standing there in the middle of a bustling street. “I wish I could, Finn. I wish I could.”

Finn breaks the hug but still clings to Poe’s jacket. “I’m sorry, sir, I should be more professional when on a mission. Please don’t report my conduct to the General.”  
Poe smiles. “You’re fine.” He reaches up and gently touches Finn cheek for just a second. One second until he realizes that what he’s doing isn’t going to help. It’s only going to build them both up. But he did it for one second but it was enough for Finn to lock eyes with him as if he was asking what was happening. 

Finn pushes away from Poe and tightens his jaw. “Let’s get back to the Falcon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry. This chapter hurt me as much as it will hurt you. I knew what was going to happen and I know how it will all end yet I still had to stop several times while writing and go sob into my pillow, no joking. My poor husband didn’t know what was happening. Also, remember BB-8 is supposed to be in hiding right now hence why he’s barely in this chapter.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe actually makes a good choice, but still regrets it. However, the mission doesn’t give him any time to dwell on it because Finn needs him.

Three more days pass just like before. Poe and Finn only talk during afternoon briefs with Chewbacca. Poe wakes up hungover and goes to the docks, unloading freight and trying to suss out First Order defectors. Chewbacca is working as a mechanic for a Sluissi outfit. Finn, on the other hand, decided he should take a different job, away from Poe. He’s a bartender at a small little place a few minutes away from the inn they moved to. Every night, Finn leaves for work just as Poe arrives home. They exchange nods in the hallway and Poe goes into his room, puts on the jacket and drinks himself to sleep. Poe is miserable and alone and it’s all his stupid fault and there is no way to fix it. 

Not anymore.

Poe takes a drink from the canteen and looks around the dock. One more cargo container left and he’s done for the day. On this job, nobody else showed up so Poe loaded the fucking ship all by himself. He’s been glancing up and seeing other workers look over at him with pity. He should have just left when he realized nobody else was coming, but the work is hard. His hangovers make every step agony and his body screams with the stress. It’s exactly what he deserves. So he puts down his canteen and starts pushing the rather heavy cargo container towards the ship. 

“Excuse me,” Poe says. All the other workers on the dock are starting to leave for the day, so he’s also having to maneuver around them.

“Here,” one of the leaving men moves to step next to him and help him push. 

“Thanks man,” replies Poe, brushing elbows with him.

They manage to load the container with little effort between the two of them. Poe walks off the ship and turns to see his new friend follow him. “You’re new here, right? Haven’t seen you before.”

“Just passing through,” he holds out a hand. “Bren.”

“Poe,” he shakes the man’s hand. 

Bren is tall with light orange hair and pale skin. His bow lips are a light pink and they stand pursed on his face. He’s wearing dark pants with a light tunic under a dark vest. His accent reminds him of the children of the senators back at the captiol he knew growing up. “Poe, it’s nice to meet someone who isn’t just trying to sell me something.”

“That’s Hutta for you,” Poe smirks, finding himself glancing back to Bren’s lips. “Would you like to go get something to eat?”

Bren smiles. “That sounds good. I’m famished.”

Poe walks with Bren to a cluster of food stands and selects a couple of sandwiches and liquor syrups, insisting on paying for Bren’s as a thank you for the help with the container. They find a small section of curb that’s open so they sit down and eat. Bren talks about being on the planet for a few days to get some extra cash. He’s trying to find an old friend but ran out of money and his ship was currently docked in repairs that he can’t pay for.

“Why are you here?” Bren asks, wiping his face neatly with an extra napkin.

“Work. With the war it’s not safe to really settle anywhere else right now.” Poe finishes the last of his drink and revels in the small amount of alcohol flooding through his body. “At least both sides leave this planet alone.”

“For now anyway,” Bren replies. “Do you have any plans for this evening? I’ve grown tired of spending my nights sitting alone in my room.”

Poe turns to face Bren. He could say yes. He wants to, just a little. He knows exactly what that tone in Bren’s voice means and he knows exactly what could happen if he says yes. He also knows that Bren isn’t the person he wants to be with right now.

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m, well…”

“Taken? Shame,” Bren says lightly.

“I’m absolutely in love with someone else but I fucked it up and now he won’t even give me the time of day.” Poe stands. “I could use a drink, though.”

Bren stands up with him. “Company?”

He shakes his head. “Bad idea. See you tomorrow at the docks?”

“Yes, I’ll be there.”

~

Poe makes his way to the nearest bar and orders two shots straight up, downing them both quickly. He orders a third drink to nurse for a while, not needing to be black out drunk just yet. He lets his eyes dart around the room, the buzz of the shots making him wish he hadn’t turned Bren down or he even knew where to find him. He thought he had a chance with making things better with Finn, but Finn shut him out after their talk. He stares at the drink in his hands and thinks about how easy it would be to but the last nail in his coffin. He’s fucked up his mission, getting drunk every night. He can’t manage a day without a drink. He’s off his game. Poe Dameron is all but dead now. He’s not the man he used to be. Although sometime he wonders if he ever really was himself after he lost Ben. Was he ever Poe Dameron at all or just whoever he needed to be at the time for someone else?

“Hello.”

Poe looks up from his drink to see a tall woman with short blonde hair—shorter than his own--sitting on the stool next to him. She has a very big fake smile on her face. Her dress is very revealing, a red number with a neckline almost down to her stomach and a hem that hits just above her knees. This woman is clearly a hooker. She twirls her fingers in her hair with one hand and touches Poe’s with the other.

“Not my type, sweetheart,” Poe says, not pushing her hand away. “Unless you’re hiding a cock under that dress.”

She leans in. “I know who you are,” she speaks in nearly a whisper. “I need your help. Pay for your drinks and take my hand. Take me back to your room. It’s not safe here.”

“Safe from who?” Poe asks.

“The First Order.”

~

Poe doesn’t say another word until they are both in his room at the inn. He closes the door and locks it, grabbing a small blaster that was hidden in his boot. He aims it at her.

“Start talking.”

“You’re Poe, right?” She sits down, cross her arms in front of her to cover her exposed skin. “The Resistance Pilot who was smuggling the map to Luke Skywalker?”

“You said you knew who I was,” he responds. “You tell me."

“I saw you, on Jakku. When Mast…when Kylo Ren took you captive. I recognize you.”

He lowers his blaster, just a few inches. “You were on Jakku that night?”

She nods. “I was also on Starkiller Base the day it was destroyed. I barely escaped. If it wasn’t for…” she swallows. “I left the First Order. I want to fight with the Resistance.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” She starts to cry. “I can’t describe it but I know I need to do the right thing. Does that even make sense?”

Poe nods, putting his blaster down. “I think so. Look, I’m here on a mission with some others specifically to find defectors like you.”

“Why?” she asks.

Poe moves across the room and hands her a blanket from his bed. She wraps it around her and smiles in thanks. “The Resistance feels that it’s the right thing to do. As long as you don’t double cross us, we’ll take care of you. I promise.”

She smiles. “Thank you.”

Poe grabs his duffle and fishes out his other two weapons, still not sure if she is a true defector looking for help or if there is a chance she is somehow trying to infiltrate the Resistance. He wonders if General Organa thought that part through or if she was so desperate for intel on Snoke and Ben. He shakes his head.

Not Ben. Kylo Ren.

“I will be right back.”

~

Poe practically bursts into the bar that Finn’s been working at. Finn told him the place but he’s never been inside. He looks around, finding Finn sitting at the bar with that man from the other inn. The hired dick he lost his virginity to. His beard is gone now, he is wearing clothing entirely too tight, and he’s really into touching Finn. He touches his hand and his shoulder and then ghosts his fingers on his face before resting his hands on Finn’s waist. Finn reaches into his pocket and hands a wad of bills to the man.

Poe runs up and grabs the money from Finn. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Oh, shit,” the man says. “Who are you?”

“I’m his boss and we have a job right now,” Poe says, handing the money back to Finn. “You can fuck later.”

Finn politely excuses himself from the hooker and follows Poe outside. “What is it?”

“Oh you don’t want to talk about what you were doing back there?” Poe hisses.

“No, I don’t. What is happening with the mission?”

He turns and starts walking, afraid he is going to destroy Finn. “A woman approached me. She recognized me, Finn. She left the First Order and needs help.”

“I’ll talk to her, see if she’s legit,” Finn says. “Then Chewie can arrange transport to D’Qar and I can get on with my evening. It’s my night off.”

“Fine, whatever. Just do your fucking job.” Poe could punch a wall if there was one close enough.

“Like you getting wasted is doing your job? I see those liquor deliveries to your room.”

“I drink in my room. I’m not out there compromising the mission!” Poe is seething and he knows how much he’s lying. “If you ever get out of line again I’ll send you back to D’Qar and the General can decide which cell in the brig to throw you in.”

After they pick up Chewie, they make their way back to Poe’s room. He knocks and pulls out his blaster again and aims it as they enter the room. When they enter, she’s still seated on his chair, wrapped in the blanket with her shoes kicked off and her knees pulled up to her chest. She puts her hands up when she sees the blaster, at which point Poe aims the blaster down.

“These are the other Resistance troops,” Poe says.

“FN-2187,” she says softly. “We all heard that Kylo Ren killed you.”

Finn grabs onto Poe’s arm tightly and Poe feels him trembling. He turns to support his friend and sees the look of terror on his face. 

“Phasma?”

Poe aims his blaster up at her immediately with one hand and uses the other to hold onto Finn, snaking the arm around his waist and pulling him close so he doesn’t fall down. “Captain Phasma?”

She nods. “2187…”

“It’s Finn,” Poe says. “His fucking name is Finn.”

“I’m sorry, Finn.”

“Get her out of here,” Finn says, audibly shaken.

“If she is Captain Phasma she could prove to be…”

“Do you know the things she has DONE?” Finn screams. “She would have troopers beat CHILDREN in front of us so we would learn not to react. She sent me to reconditioning after Jakku. If everyone wasn’t so distracted by trying to find that droid I would have never slipped away and broken you out.” He turns to her. “If you don’t kill her I will.”

“Finn…”

“No, he’s right,” Phasma says. “I’ve done horrible things. Terrible things that I believed were for the good of the galaxy. I cannot expect to be forgiven and I do deserve to die. Finn, nothing I can say will make up for that. I’ve been here for two weeks now trying to figure out my next step and I saw Poe in the market. I knew that I had ask for help.”

“Why do you think we’d want your help?” Finn says, sweat dripping off his forehead. His breathing is shallow and his fists are now balled up into Poe’s tunic.

“Back on Starkiller, when you made me lower the shields, I did it. There were precisely 27 ways I could have hit the wrong codes or combinations or locked out the system, but I didn’t. When you told me to do it, I knew I had to. It was what is right. I’ve spent most of my life doing what I was told. No longer will I comply.”

Finn is still shaking, but he nods. “I know what that feels like.”

“Finn, buddy, I’m taking you to your room. Chewie, please guard her tonight, get her something to eat. See if they will bring her some clothes, here,” Poe pulls several bills out of his pockets and hands them to Chewie. “Take care of her, but be careful. Either she’ll cross you or someone will come to get her.” Chewie agrees, warning Poe that Finn is very scared and to take care of him.

Poe nods and escorts Finn to his room, closing and locking the door behind them. “Just breathe Finn. It’s okay I’m not going to let her hurt you.”

“I don’t want you to take care of me,” Finn says.

“You need me to.” Poe guides Finn to sit on the bed and slides next to him. He puts a hand on Finn’s back gently. “Look, I know seeing her must be difficult.”

“No Poe. Do you have any idea was reconditioning is like?” Finn’s eyes are filled with a terror that makes Poe’s body hurt. “They have a chair, like the one in your cell. They injected me with this stuff that made my whole body feel so good. It was like an orgasm, I know that feeling now. Then they did things to me. They would hit me, shock me.” Finn trembles. “They would show me holograms of horrible things and kept injecting me. They were trying to make me feel good about kil…” Finn starts breathe shallow and he’s sweating. “It’s too hot, I’m hot,” he pulls at his clothes.

“Shhh,” Poe helps Finn take off his shirt and goes to the bathroom. He grabs the towel and runs it under the cold tap. When he comes back Finn is laying on his back. Poe sits next to him and uses the towel wipe Finn’s face and chest. “Focus on your breathing. In and out. You are safe here now. I’m not going to let her hurt you. She can’t hurt you.”

Finn begins to breathe slower and slower, closing his eyes. After what seems like an hour, Poe tosses the towel to the ground, kicks off his boots, puts his blaster on the side table and to sit next to Finn on the bed, back against the headboard and his feet on the bed. He reaches his hand down to take Finn’s and Finn squeezes back, hard.

“Is this fine?” Poe asks quietly.

“It is, it’s fine. Just keep me safe,” Finn says. “I’m safe.”

“Yeah, buddy. Safe. Always.” Poe lowers his head to look at Finn, who is still staring at the ceiling. “I take it back.”

“What?” Finn turns his head up to look at Poe. “Take what back?”

“All the shit I’ve done.” Poe takes a deep breath. “All I want to do it keep you safe.”

Finn looks back at the ceiling and doesn’t say a word. He continues to breathe in and out and calm. Poe watches him until he’s sure Finn is asleep before closing his own eyes.

~

“I take it back.”

“What?” Finn turns his head to look at Poe. “Take what back?”

“All the shit I’ve done.” Poe takes a deep breath. “All I want to do it keep you safe.”

“Who is going to keep me safe from you?” Finn asks. 

Poe looks to see Kylo Ren in his full mask standing over the bed, lightsaber in hand. “This falls on you,” he says in the metallic tone, slicing his lightsaber down into Finn.

~

“No!” Poe jerks out of sleep. He looks over to see Finn soundly asleep on his side, facing Poe, hand still warmly in his own. His breathing is slow and even and his face looks calm again.

This time when Poe reaches up to ghost fingers over Finn’s cheek, he lets them stay for a few breaths before using his spare hand to maneuver a blanket over them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of this chapter kinda sorta lifts lines from Oscar Isaac’s song ‘The Measure of Things’ which I was listening to this morning.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn’s forgiveness is not as forthcoming as Poe thought, which sends him back into a tailspin. The mission takes a turn and Poe’s priorities change.

Poe wakes up feeling warm all around him, but not the pressure of a limb over his chest or around his waist. He opens his eyes to find he’s lying in bed, covered with a blanket, head on a pillow. He’s alone in the bed and fully clothed, which washes a touch of sadness mixed with relief over him. As much as he would have liked to wake up next to Finn, it’s better that he didn’t. He looks to the chair across the room and sees Finn sitting there, still not wearing a shirt, reading a book. 

“Good morning,” Poe says, sitting up.

Finn puts down his book. “Hey. I, uhm, I thought it would be best to be in the chair.”

“You could have kicked me out.”

“With Phasma just a few rooms away I wasn’t exactly eager to be alone,” Finn replies. “Besides, I didn’t want to wake you up and piss you off.”

“It wouldn’t have.”

“Forgive me if I don’t believe you, Commander,” Finn says, shifting uncomfortably in his chair.

Poe sighs and flashes back to his nightmare. He can hear the sound of the lightsaber and almost smell Finn’s burning flesh. He runs his hands through his hair and his beard. “Please don’t call me that. Not you, Finn.”

“I suppose we should go figure out what to do with Phasma.” The fact that he doesn’t acknowledge Poe’s request sets him on edge.

“You stay here, I’ll go figure out what’s going on.” Poe gets up and starts to put his boots back on.

Finn shakes his head and stands up. “No, I’ll go. I’m part of this mission, right?”

“I can’t have you falling apart in there,” Poe says, putting his hands on his hips.

“Are you afraid I’ll compromise the mission?” Finn asks, tension rippling over his shoulders and chest. “Is that an order, sir?”

Poe knows he visibly flinched at Finn’s words and tone. He tenses his whole body, trying so hard to hold back screaming or tears. “I don’t…”

“No, just don’t. I know I needed you last night, I needed that. But it was a bad idea.”

“Me being there for you is a bad idea?” Poe asks. “Me caring is a bad idea? Tell me what is so bad, Finn. Tell me.” He scratches his beard, his whole body suddenly itchy and too hot. 

“Me pretending like any of this is going to work,” Finn says. “Please leave.”

“I don’t want you to be hurting, Finn.” Poe picks up a shirt from Finn’s duffle and hands it to him. “This mission means nothing to me if you are suffering. That’s why I don’t want you to go. I mean what I said last night, every single word.”

Finn takes the shirt roughly. “I’ll meet you in your room with Phasma and Chewbacca.”

Poe does as he’s told, closing the door a little too forcefully behind him. Last night Finn literally clung to him for life and this morning he wakes up and becomes his worst enemy. Finn isn’t the happy curious man he knew back on D’Qar. He wonders what would have happened if he hasn’t gotten to Finn last night before he paid for sex. Would Finn become him? Would Finn turn to sex and pills and alcohol to numb and forget? 

He’s hinted at how he was trained and brainwashed since he was a child, and from how he reacted last night this reconditioning he went through was the worst possible thing that’s ever happened to him. Is Finn trying to run away from his own version of a cloaked monster? Poe walks down the hall, intent on getting food for everyone and figuring out what they are going to do. 

The sooner they get back to D’Qar, the sooner he can quit the Resistance and go home.

~

When he arrives back at his room, he finds Finn sitting on the floor in the corner of the room. Chewbacca is sitting in a chair and Phasma sitting on Poe’s bed, back against the headboard and paging through a book. She puts the book down when she sees them coming in. “Is that food?” She asks.

Poe nods, taking a package and handing it to her. “Did you sleep well?”

“For once.” she replies, digging in her package. “When I was in the Order I would have to take injections to sleep most nights. Maybe that was my first sign.”

Chewie tells Poe that she did. After he got her some clothes and a bit to eat she started looking at his books. Every time they heard someone come down the hall she cringed. She did talk to him a bit, told him about all the things she’s seen since she’s been out. Of course she doesn’t speak Wookie so it was rather one-sided. I still can’t decide if she’s being honest, he says.

“Chewie got you some clothes,” Poe notes, seeing her wearing an outfit nearly identical to his own.

She nods. “Yes, thank you. I don’t expect this kindness, nor do I deserve it.”

“No you don’t,” Finn mutters, taking his food package from Poe and setting on the ground next to him, clearly not eager to eat.

“Have you seen any other defectors since you left?” Poe asks, prying his eyes off Finn.

“Two, but before I could talk to them they disappeared. Probably got jobs on ships,” she says between huge bites of food. “Thanks for the food. I pretty much only get to eat once a day if I’m lucky. My employer is charging me a lot for a bunk to sleep in.”

“Where are you staying? I could have Chewie fetch your things.”

“I have a few dresses I keep back at the bar you found me, but I don’t want them. I only wore them while I was trying to sleep with men for money,” Phasma makes a groaning sound. “It was the only work I could get.”

“You’re a whore?” Finn says. “Figures Poe would find a whore.”

Poe sees Phasma’s face fall a little and he reaches a hand out to touch her shoulder and comfort her. “Listen, I think it’s too dangerous for you to go back out there. I want you to stay here until we decide how to get you back to our base. I need to talk to Chewie and Finn.”

Finn stands up and walks into the hall, the air following him thick with anger. Poe and Chewie follow him into the hallway. “What’s the plan?” Finn asks, pacing.  
As much as he wants to call Finn on his attitude and drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness, he doesn’t. Now is not the time. “I think we need to escort her on our own. I’m worried if we set her up with anyone else we risk them killing her out of revenge.” Poe looks to Chewie, who agrees.

“I have to be stuck on the Falcon with her for 2 weeks?” Finn shakes his head. “Not doing that.”

“Could we shore up one of the cargo bays, that big one, put extra security on it? Make it livable?” Poe asks Chewie. “So we can keep her secured.”

Chewie agrees, stating that they would need to make modifications. It would take a day or two to add in a bunk, get a bit of furniture and build gates but he could do it. BB-8 can serve as extra security as well.

“Alright, so let’s do that. Finn, you help him. I’d like to leave tomorrow if possible. I’m going to go out and order supplies. Finn, you pack up my things and yours and take them to the Falcon. Chewie can start gathering supplies.”

I will have to stay behind, watch her.

Poe shakes his head. “Take her with you.”

“I will take her,” Finn says. “We can restrain her, tie her up to a pipe or something on the Falcon and have 8 watch her while we work. Look, I promise I won’t kill her.”

“Are you sure?” Poe approaches him and reaches a hand out for his shoulder, but he pulls away.

“You touched her shoulder with that hand,” Finn says. “Don’t. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to touch me.”

Poe nods, feeling Finn’s anger roll off his face. “Go pack up your room first. I’m going to secure supplies. Dismissed.”

~

Poe arranges one more delivery of water and food to the Falcon to arrive this afternoon, shelling out more money. He has no clue where Leia got all this currency, what with the Resistance being an expensive enterprise. He thanks the vendor and leaves the store, walking down the dusty streets. He also had several sets of clothing ordered—all men’s attire. He didn’t want to risk tipping off that they might have a woman on board. 

He finds himself wandering through the markets and shops, finding another, smaller bookstore. He’s not surprised there are so many bookshops in a town like this. So many people who spend days upon days in space flying around from port to port. All the work is in loading, unloading, smuggling and selling. He scans the shelves for anything he thinks Finn would be interested in, loading up a big fabric sack that he had to go purchase from a shop a few doors down. He finds a few for himself and even a couple for Phasma, although he suspects she’d be more interested in watching holofilms. He also suspects that Finn will dump his gifts out the airlock once they get into space.

He exits the shop thirsty, so he stops and gets a liquor syrup. Just the one, he thinks. Just one to help him feel less like the worst human being in the galaxy. Finn hates him. Everyone he’s ever loved either hates him or leaves. He thought that last night was a turning point, but it wasn’t. Finn just used him, which makes sense. He deserves it. His entire life, Poe has let others use him. Why should Finn be any different?

“Poe!”

He turns around to see Bren jogging up the street towards him. “Oh, hey Bren.”

Bren stops when he approaches Poe. “Didn’t see you at the docks this morning.”

“I uhm, got another job offer. Some guy is paying me to help order supplies for his next run. Needed a break from all that heavy lifting.”

“That bag looks rather heavy,” Bren smiles. “Care to grab a bite to eat? Maybe another liquor syrup?”

The look in Bren’s eyes is the same as before. Poe’s chest tightens, but the coil of lust throughout his pelvis is competing. And the one drink he’s had is making him want.

“Just one,” Poe smiles back.

~

“Fuck,” Poe pants, bringing his second drink to his lips and taking another long pull. “Did you swallow?”

Bren looks up at Poe and wipes his lips. “A little.” He holds up a rag in his other hand as if to gesture that he spit most of it out. “I’ve never done that before.”  
He wants to comment sarcastically about the overuse of teeth and the lack of creativity with his tongue, but if it was his first blowjob it makes sense. “Never?”

Bren shakes his head, standing up and straightening his tunic. “Actually, I’ve never even kissed another male. But you…I couldn’t get you out of my head. I was just so curious.”

“Wow, shit. Uhm, well…” Poe moves forward and reaches for Bren’s belt buckle. “I will suck you off better than any woman.”

Bren steps back a little and tucks the rag into his pocket. “I’m fine. I should be going.”

“Shit, are you sure? I mean, if you’re not into it I guess.”

Bren shrugs. “I thought I was. You are very attractive.”

Poe smirks. “Well, thanks for the blowjob either way.”

Bren nods, turns and leaves. Poe watches him walk away before taking another pull from his bottle. After they ate Poe bought the bottle and they walked through until they found a suitable alley for what Poe thought was going to be hard and fast sex. Instead he’s waiting behind a trash bin for Bren to get a head start, only buzzed and his cock limp from a disappointing blowjob. 

After about twenty minutes of drinking and waiting, Poe finishes his bottle and stands up. He moves to reach for the bag of books and the bottle slips from his hands, shattering to the ground. His vision goes fuzzy and he feels like he’s spinning. The air becomes thick and hot and heavy and there is a vice compressing his chest.

He remembers falling on the ground, feeling the glass cut his palm as he lands.

~

“I have a pulse,” the medic says. Chewie stands back from the transport. “But it looks like the lightsaber penetrated his back, I don’t know if he’ll make it.”

“Finn, Finn buddy I’m right here,” Poe runs up to the transport, grabbing onto Finn’s hand and jogging alongside as the transport moves towards the medical bay. It starts to speed up and Poe is running, refusing to let go of Finn’s hand. It’s going faster and faster.

“No, no STOP THE CART!” Poe yells, but everyone else seems to disappear.

The cart jerks away and Poe loses his grip.

“Poe, sweetheart,” Leia says, cradling him in her lap. He looks up at her to see her crying, hair flowing around her face. It’s the same outfit she was wearing when she told Poe that Ben was dead. “I’m so sorry.”

He sits up and shakes his head. “Finn’s not dead.”

“You’ve lost him, Poe,” she whispers. “You lost him.”

“Poe?”

Poe turns around to see Ben standing there on the empty tarmac. He’s young Ben, only fifteen, the way Poe remembers him from the last time he ever saw him. His Jedi robes are still a size too big on his thin frame and his hair perpetually hanging down in his eyes. He’s smiling.

“Ben, please, come home,” Poe cries. “I need you to come home. We can still make things right. We can end this and you can come home. I miss you. I love you.”

Ben shakes his head. “I’m never coming home, you know that in your heart, Poe.”

“NO!” Poe screams. “I have lost everyone.”

“Finn is scared and angry. He’s worried you are going to hurt him again. He loves you, Poe Dameron. Every time he saw you with someone else, he cried. He loves you but he’s in pain. He’s pushing you away because you keep hurting him.” Ben approaches Poe with a hammer and a nail. “You can’t love him back until you have loved yourself. It’s time to put yourself back together.”

Poe looks down to see his leg has fallen off and is lying on the ground. He picks it up and starts to hammer the nail into it, hitting hard until it hits his knee and re-attaches the limb.

“This isn’t enough,” Poe cries, looking back up to his Ben. This time, Ben is five years old, looking the same way he did the day they met.

“It’s a start,” Ben says.

~

Poe blinks his eyes awake and finds himself still in that alley. The sun is just starting to fall. Poe’s head is pounding and he still feels dizzy. Something isn’t right. He had two drinks, liquor syrups aren’t even strong. He wasn’t sick or even terribly hung over. Something feels wrong. He feels it in his gut.

He manages to get up and grab the books, stumbling his way through the streets and back to the Falcon. He gets to the dock and has to sit on the ground, his entire body throbbing in a tingly weakness that scares him. What is Finn going to think? Is Chewie looking for him?

He looks up through his haze and sees BB-8 rolling towards him, chittering and beeping so fast Poe can barely understand. “8, what are you doing off the ship?”  
Poe, something wrong. Finn and the woman are gone. The Wookie is out looking for you. Thought you were gone.

“Gone? Finn is gone? WHERE IS FINN?”

Ship is gone. I snuck away to find you. I need Poe. Poe helps.

“BB, where is Finn? FINN! FINN!” Poe screams, pounding his fists into the ground.

Soon he feels Chewie’s big warm arms picking him up. I’m here, Poe. I thought you were gone. I thought you left.

“What happened?” Poe pants, his entire body shaking out of fear.

I don’t know. I helped Finn bring Phasma here and I left to get supplies. When I came back, the ship was gone.

“It was her. Phasma crossed him and delivered him straight to the First Order. We have to save him. We need to get a ship right now.” 

Us against the First Order? Finn is probably going to be killed before they get to their nearest base.

“DON’T SAY THAT FINN CANNOT DIE.” Poe shakes his head, bringing himself to his feet. “No, we have to go now. We can’t let them get any further ahead. Chewie, I need you.”

I’ll find a ship. You stay here.

Poe watches Chewie run off to find a ship. BB-8 rolls up next to him and he puts his hand on his friend and cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so fucking sorry.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe gets an important message from two very important people. Chewbacca, BB-8 and Poe track down the Millennium Falcon and Finn’s fate is discovered.

He stopped fighting against the restraint chair hours ago. Kylo Ren got what he wanted and left, leaving him feel hollowed out and violated in the most personal and intimate of ways. His body is starting to crash from a mix of pain and metabolizing the adrenaline that he’s been high off of since the Stormtroopers landed on Jakku. He slumps forward and watches beads of sweat fall from his brow and onto the metal floor, mixing with the now drying puddle of vomit from earlier. The door opens and a lone Stormtrooper appears. He raises his head and smirks at the little toy soldier.

“Are you here to torture me?”

The Stormtrooper takes off his mask. It’s Finn. “You deserve it.”

“I do. Give me everything you got.”

“I plan to,” Finn says, a large metal needle appearing in his hand. He lets his helmet clamor to the ground and approached him. “Captain Phasma tells me you kidnapped me. You took me from the First Order and did things to me. You convinced me that you loved me.” 

Finn pokes the needle into Poe’s shoulder down to the hilt. Poe screams out in pain.

“You saved me, you made me feel important,” Finn says, taking out the needle and thrusting into Poe’s hand. “You convinced me that I mattered to the Resistance, that I mattered to you.”

“You did,” Poe sobs. “You matter to me.”

Finn takes the needle and stabs it into his chest, right into his heart. Poe looks down to see blood pouring and puddling on the ground around Finn’s feet. “Yet here I am, back where I belong in the First Order. Back into the very hands you swore to protect me from.”

“Sweetheart,” Poe’s mother, Shara, is standing in the metal room. She’s wearing a long white gown that pools on the ground around her feet like water. Her hair is flowing long over her shoulders and her tan skin is glowing. Finn is gone, but the needle is still in his chest, blood still spilling.

“Mommy,” he pants. “Don’t come any closer, the blood will get on your dress.”

She smiles and walks up to him, putting her hand on his cheek. “Poe, darling, I love you. I’m so sorry for everything.” A tear streams down her cheek but that smile stays on her face. “I need you to know that. I should have never left you.”

“Son.” Kes Dameron appears next to her. He’s wearing his old jacket. His skin is glowing too, the dark shade reminding Poe of his own grease-stained hands. “You can save him.”

“I can’t,” Poe whimpers. “I can’t do it. It’s too late.”

“It’s never too late,” Kes says.

“And when you find him, tell him everything,” Shara says.

He looks down to see his blood wicking up into the dress, turning it red.

“It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all,” his father says. He’s dressed in Kylo Ren’s black cloak and leather. “I trust you will not grow to indifference. That is when things become dangerous. Indifference is the true enemy of love, not hate nor pain.”

“Daddy?”

His parents disappear. Finn is standing before him again, this time taking the needle out of his chest. “Poe Dameron, please tell me everything.” He cradles Poe’s face. “Tell me everything.”

Poe finds himself free from the chair and he collapses into Finn’s arms.

~

“FINN!” Poe jerks awake, sitting up so fast his head threatens to explode. “Finn?”

Chewie approaches him, sitting next to him on the floor. Poe is on the floor. It’s a ship—a small transport unit. He’s seen these before. To both sides of him are cushioned benches. He turns to see a small galley in the back and a door to a toilet. He looks ahead to see the pilot and co-pilot chairs, with BB-8 at the communications panel, plugged it.

Calm, Poe, calm, Chewie says. This is the transport I got from my friends. We are looking for Finn. Chewie rubs big warm circles on Poe’s back. The last time I saw you this broken it was after they told you Ben had died.

“What about the beacon you put on the ship? Isn’t BB-8 tracking it?”

The beacon seems to have been disabled, Poe. He is scanning all waves and frequencies. I came back to get you and you had passed out. I had a medic check on you before we left. You are not well. The medic suspects you were drugged. He gave you an injection. You must rest.

“He’s gone,” Poe says, body breaking into sobs.

Chewbacca sits on the ground, legs crossed, and pulls Poe into his warm lap. He cradles Poe like a child and rocks, just like he did when Poe was little. Poe clings to his Uncle Chewie and lets his pain out. He doesn’t have the soul left to keep it in. Poe Dameron has failed. He failed his mother and his father. He failed Ben. He failed Leia and Han. He failed Finn. He let the General’s orders to save defectors put Finn in the ultimate danger. He’s probably dead already.

8 chirps that he’s found a trace signal. Poe jerks out of Chewie’s grip and stumbles his way to the co-pilots chair, nearly collapsing when he sits. “Where are they, 8?”

Chewie sits in the pilot chair and starts flipping switched and turning knobs. It looks like they’ve been this way, a few hours ago. We are on the right course.

“A few hours…we’re already too late.” Poe sighs, staring out into the stars.

Chewie reaches over and puts a hand on Poe’s shoulder briefly. There is still a chance. She wouldn’t have taken him if she wanted him dead.

Poe leans back into his chair and wipes his puffy face. “This is all my fault. I promised Finn I would protect him. I promised so many things but I’m not good enough.”

You need to sleep. It could be hours before we get close to the Falcon. You’re still healing and you’ll need to be strong in order to rescue him. If he needs to be rescued.

“What are you saying, Chewbacca?”

What if Finn took Phasma because he wants her dead?

Poe shakes his head. “Not a possibility. I think Phasma was working with someone. I met this guy at the docks, called himself Bren. I ran into him on the way back to the Falcon and…” Poe swallows. “It really is my fault. He was making passes at me and so we got a drink and he…well, shit. He drugged me. He was working with her.”  
Chewie sighs. You were always such a careful child, I don’t understand what has changed.

Poe doesn’t answer, he doesn’t know if he can. He continues to scan the stars, hoping beyond hope that one of them is the Falcon. He knows he’s wrong, but he can’t help it. He leans over and puts his face in his hands. He feels like a pedestal with a beautiful and fragile vase on top. Finn came into his life and bumped him and that vase has been teetering and threatening to fall for months. Now it’s finally shattered.

~

Hours go by in silence. Even 8 has been silent, working quietly and scanning for communications. Every once in a while, Chewbacca flips a switch or touches a button. Poe can’t stop thinking about what Chewie said, that maybe Finn took the Falcon. What if Finn is running away from him? He has certainly done all he could to push him away, but the thought of Finn truly leaving is almost incomprehensible. Understandable and incomprehensible at the same time. It makes his head spin and his heart ache. He sacrificed himself to protect Finn but in the end he destroyed him too. 

Why? Why did Poe seem to destroy everything he touched? His parents were so dedicated to the Rebelllion that they left him on Yavin-4 with his grandmother so they could fight. They instilled a deep sense of self-sacrifice in him before he could even remember. He still feels this way—for every thought he has about leaving the Resistance he has ten more about how to save it. He left Leia and Han at 18 right after Ben died---Ben left---and started to fly. He flew for everyone else. He is damned good at it, too. So it’s only his responsibility to use his talents to save those without the ability to do so themselves. So when FN-2187 came to him and tried to save him, he had to twist that story on its head and save the man he named Finn. Then he fell in love.

Falling in love. He loved Ben, in a way he will always love Ben. But with Ben he grew into each other like trees planted too close. It was love out of proximity, but it was still love all the same. His heart still broke when he learned that Ben had died. He still mourns him. With Finn, he fell. What a strange way to describe love. Falling. That’s the thing about falling, he never had a choice. Falling, more like a swan dive. Now here he is, covered in the dirt of the ground and blood of his heart on his hands. Shivering and shattered and waiting to either die or be saved.

He’s the one that needs a pilot.

“Why did Han and Leia tell me that Ben was dead?” Poe says almost on a whisper, as if he’s not even sure he wants to say it out loud. Or if he even wants to know.

Chewie shakes his head. They weren’t going to, he replies. Luke convinced them to do it. He thought that if they accepted that the Ben they loved was gone it would make the fight against the Dark Side easier. It doesn’t, that much I know.

“I believed it, up until Rey told me what happened on Starkiller. How Han died. I believed what Leia and Han told me all this time,” Poe clears his throat. “I mean, it still fucked me up. I missed him. I mourned him. But now that I know I can’t help but wonder if I could have saved him?”

You can’t save him. Leia doesn’t understand that. He is beyond saving. 

“I know that now. I’m starting to wonder if I am.” He shakes his head. “I fell in love with Finn but I never left Ben behind. So I did some really terrible things. If he’s not already dead, they’ll torture him. They’ll send him to reconditioning and break him down and he’ll fight it. He will fight it the whole way and it will only cause him pain and I can’t bear to be the one who turned him back into FN-2187.”

BB-8 practically screams with excitement.

Poe leaps out of his chair and moves over to 8, placing a hand on him. “What is it, buddy? Did you find him?” 

Destroyer close. Trace of Falcon. Poe help Finn.

“A Destroyer?” Poe swallows. This means that Finn didn’t kidnap Phasma. He didn’t leave Poe. He moves over to Chewie’s side. “We need a plan.” He can’t stop trembling and his body feels like it’s floating, like when the first pain pill kicks in. It’s pure adrenaline and it’s so deceptive that he could almost mistake it for hope.

You hide, Poe. It’s my ship, it’ll be more believable that I’m trying to get it back. I’ll get captured and taken hostage, it’s happened more than once. Once we dock, you get on the Destroyer and find Finn. 

“Are you sure?” Poe asks.

You are not the only one who feels like he failed Ben. By failing Ben I failed Han and you too. Let me do this for you, Poe. Chewie reaches his hand out and touches Poe’s shoulder. I won’t let you down the way I let down Ben and Han.

He nods. “8, hide down here. If they catch you they could hack you for the Resistance Base location.”

Poe pats Chewie on the shoulder and takes Chewie’s blaster. He goes to the galley and opens up the secret hatch in the floor, often used for dignitaries during wartime. His mother told him about these transports and all the tricks they built into these older ships. It’s big enough for him to squeeze down, and the box is lined with repellant metals to prevent him from being picked up in the scans. He settles down and feels the ship lurch when it’s taken in by the tractor beam.

His mind swirls as the ship is finally docked. He hears the troopers board and take Chewie prisoner. He listens to them as they search the ship. His heart thumps out of his chest as they leave. He counts to a thousand in his head before nodding to 8 and opening the hatch. 

“Let’s go to the Falcon, you can stow away there,” Poe whispers.

Armed with his blaster, he carefully climbs off the transport. They are in the large main dock, but there are so many fewer troops than Poe remembers from his last trip on a Destroyer. Have they been sent to other portions of the ship or are there less of them? Just how much has the First Order retreated since the destruction of Starkiller? He sees the Falcon on the other wall and scans again before making a fast and quiet run to the ship, with 8 rolling swiftly behind.

He climbs into the Falcon and starts trembling. “Keep it together, Dameron,” he whispers to himself, immediately running towards the controls. He quickly logs into the system by licking his finger and letting the computer scan his DNA. When he’s in, the logs from the flight pop up. It wasn’t Finn who flew the ship, it was Poe’s profile that came up.

“How…” 

Poe brings up the security tapes. Six frames appear on the screen in front of him. He watches the top left screen, which is an outer view of the Falcon. He scans through as Chewie, Finn and Phasma load up the Falcon and Chewie leaves. He continues to scan until he sees Bren approaching the Falcon with a blaster in hand. He fucking knew it. He watches Bren move through to one frame and the next until Bren makes his way to the controls. He removes a rag from his pocket and places it against the sensors, the controls unlocking. He launches the ship and moves towards the cargo bay, where Finn had chained Phasma. Finn is standing there looking confused. Suddenly the room is filled with gas. Compressor fumes that of course Bren could re-route through the ship.

Bren was working alone. He needed Poe’s DNA because he knew he couldn’t overtake Finn and Phasma on his own. Phasma was telling them all the truth, that she was leaving the First Order. Bren obviously meant to kill Poe with the drugs but had to give him a dose that wouldn’t work right away, so he could get the DNA sample via the blowjob. How would Bren know he’d need the DNA? Poe scans through tapes from the night before and finds that Bren was there scanning the outer parts of the ship. He probably was able to read for the technology. The First Order has to have access to that type of thing.

Bren is a Stormtrooper working for the First Order. Finn and Phasma are probably still alive somewhere on the Destroyer, but they could be anywhere now. Why would they be taken alive, wouldn’t it be better to kill them? Unless the First Order plans to use them. Finn has valuable knowledge about the Resistance and Phasma was the Captain. She is surely a very valuable asset.

“I know where Finn is…” Poe whispers to 8. “I’m going to unlock the system. When you see us coming, start the Falcon up so we can get in and go. Keep the cameras running and if you see anyone that isn’t one of us coming, hide. You have too much valuable data.”

Where is Finn? Save him, Poe.

Poe kneels down and puts a hand on his friend. “You mean a lot to me buddy, stay safe.”

Where is Finn? 8 beeps again insistently.

“Re-conditioning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a chance and opened with a dream sequence. Hope it worked. This chapter feels very disjointed because I was trying to span the time between the last one and getting to the next setting but there was some important shit that had to go down.
> 
> Part of Poe’s inner realizations in this chapter are inspired by the description of love in this song, one of my favorites of all time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yo1OMiJTdU


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe’s headstrong nature and need to be forgiven causes him to make a big mistake which puts everyone in even more danger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I feel trigger warnings can be spoilers, I will just say trigger warning everything. Yeah, pretty much everything.

Poe is a fucking mess. He can’t stop trembling as he finds the hidden weapons cache in the Falcon and stocks up. Knives hidden in his boots, blasters strapped into thigh holsters on both legs. He doesn’t think this is nearly enough. With Chewie already locked up, Poe has to be smart and swift to have a chance at finding Finn and Phasma. Although, when it comes down to it, he’ll rescue Finn and leave Phasma to her fate, one that it sounds like she might actually deserve. Right now he has to figure out where they would send Finn for re-conditioning and hope they haven’t actually started yet. They are only a few hours behind, maybe they were preparing. 

Maybe he’s still okay.

I can help Poe save Finn, 8 chirps. I can use the computer interface. Let me help you, Poe. 

Poe smiles and nods. “You have to promise to make it back to the ship if things go south. Finn cannot fly the ship he will need your guidance.”

He carefully makes his way off the ship and runs to the nearest hall. They find a small room with a computer terminal. 8 rolls up and logs into the system, pulling up a hologram map of the Destroyer. “That was quick, buddy,” Poe remarks. He scans the map and finds it clear as day. RECONDITION B. Poe swallows, thinking about his dream. He flashes to the image of his mother’s dress floating in the blood on the ground, the way Kylo Ren’s mask looked in his face when he was pulling his memories from him…

Poe throws up. It’s all bile and snot and tears, and the retching pulses through his body until even his hair hurts. “I can’t do this, 8,” Poe manages to spit out. “I can’t. There is no way.”

Poe save Finn. Then we go back to the base. Only you. I am going to set off alarms throughout the ship. Divert personnel. You save Finn. Don’t forget Chewbacca.  
He nods and moves out of the room, armed with a blaster. There is no way in hell this is going to end well. At this point, he might as well die trying. He owes Finn at least his last effort. He takes another deep breath and scan of the blueprints 8 still has up. He has to do this. He has to save Finn. He cannot fail, he will not fail. No matter how dizzy or tired or sick he is. The entire galaxy is depending on him.

Finn is depending on him and that’s all that matters.

~

It seems like it takes a year to sneak through, hiding behind the large support beams that line the hallways of the ship when groups of Stormtroopers march by. How do they not know he is here, don’t they have scans to detect people aboard, don’t they? Unless 8 has taken care of that. He hopes so. When he finally gets to the right wing, he sees the words in raised metal over the arch.

RECONDITIONING B

He shudders and moves through the hallway. There are a surprising number of Stormtroopers marching the halls in the wing, Poe loses count at forty. He ducks behind another beam, heart pounding out of his chest. There’s no fucking way. Finn is going to die and there is nothing he can do about it. Tears sting his eyes and he wipes them away. This is not the time to quit, no matter how he feels.

He’s jerked out of his panic by a crackling voice over the radio that there in an intruder the command wing. The troopers practically run through the hallway, leaving the wing cleared out for Poe. He carefully peeks out, blaster aimed high, and walks gently down the hall. He ducks away again when he sees three troopers guarding a door. That must be where Finn is. Poe runs towards them and fires. Takes them by surprise so they don’t have time to call in reinforcements. 

He takes out the first two very quickly, but the third one finds cover. Poe dives towards one of the bodies on the floor, trying to get a bigger blaster. A beam whizzes past his ear, so he grabs the arm of one of the dead troopers and raises it up as a shield. He reaches for the blaster and manages to hit the trooper in the head when he leans around to fire. Poe’s face feels hot and wet. He reaches up to see that the blast got a little closer to his face than he thought and he’s bleeding. It makes him feel queasy, probably still an effect of the drug. He barely manages to stand up and drag three of the troopers towards a nearby alcove. The exertion makes him nauseous. He kneels on the ground and survey’s his options. He doesn’t have the physical energy to keep hiding and fighting, not if he’s going to have to blast his was back to the Falcon with a most-likely injured Finn. He starts to strip down one of the troopers and quickly remove his own clothes to trade.

Once dressed, he stands up and looks down at the body. Just some kid taken from his home and turned into a tool. Finn could have been this—he was this. Poe could have just as easily been this too. In the end, all anybody ever is is a body. Poe puts on his trooper helmet, picks up his blaster and goes back to the cell door. He has almost no peripheral vision in the helmet and he has to labor to breathe—he must be drawing air through a filter in the mask. 

He opens the door to the cell to see Phasma restrained in the standing chair. She’s slumped over and sweating. Blood trickles through her blonde hair and down her face. She’s wearing only strips of stained tan fabric over her chest and hips. He approaches her and starts to undo her restraints.

“It’s me, it’s Poe,” he says quietly. “Where’s Finn?”

She looks up at him, terrified. “BEHIND YOU.”

Before he feels the blow to the back of his head, he has just long enough to feel stupid for not checking the room, for putting his blaster down, for not being more careful. As he slides to the ground, he hopes he didn’t just kill them all.

~

His shoulders are sore when they are finished. Ben held his arms above his head the entire time, driving into him as hard as he could. Poe liked it, he did like hard sex on occasion. Besides, it was incredibly hot watching Ben become so savage. This time it felt different. Ben usually cares about Poe’s orgasm, made it a point to make sure he came. This time, Ben came so fast and crumpled on top of Poe before Poe even came close. Poe gently moves his arms to his sides as Ben rolls off him. He palms his hard cock and reaches for Ben’s hand, placing it with his own.

“Shit,” Ben says, pulling his hand away.

“Are you okay?” Poe asks, rolling onto his side, hard-on forgotten. 

“I’m fine, Poe.” Ben rolls over onto his side, back facing Poe. “It’s just Jedi stuff, Poe you wouldn’t understand.”

Poe reaches out a hand to rub on Ben’s sweat-slicked back. “Is it your training?”

“I’ve started taking mentorship from another Jedi,” he says. “He keeps pointing out all the things that are wrong with the Jedi Counsel and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“I remember you telling me about the other padawans and how you guys were talking about it.” 

“You just, you don’t get it, Poe. I can’t explain…you don’t have the Force.”

Poe plants a kiss between Ben’s shoulder blades, pretending that Ben didn’t intend to be demeaning. “It’s okay, love. It’s okay.”

Ben flips over so he’s facing him. “Love?”

He nods and smiles. “You are my love. My one and only. Forever.”

“If it wasn’t for the Counsel,” Ben embraces him, burying his face in Poe’s neck, his lips ghosting over his skin as his talks. “We could be together. Forever.”

“Things can change,” Poe says into Ben’s hair. “I have to believe that.”

“Belief is fucking meaningless, we have to make that change,” Ben nearly growls and the vibrations hit Poe’s skin roughly. Ben lifts his head up. “Tear it down and rebuild. I wish you were a Jedi, imagine what we could do together.

He bites his lip, moving his hand to Ben’s face. “I will help you to Endor and back.”

Ben’s face fills with a hot anger as he grabs Poe’s wrist. “First I want to watch you fuck your fist.”

He rolls onto his back and wraps a first around his cock, quickly bringing it back to full-mast. This is new, he thinks. Ben watches his body as Poe strokes himself, dipping his thumb into the slit before starting each down stroke. He reaches his other hand up and flicks his nipples, watching Ben swallow and stare at them. Knowing Ben likes it rough, he pulls on them almost to the point of tears and arches into his fist. He looks over to Ben who is breathing very heavily and staring at Poe’s body like it’s the only thing in the galaxy and that’s what makes him come.

~

He wakes up in the chair, stripped of the white armor and clad in all black. Not this chair, not again. He can’t do this again, he just can’t. Poe struggles and pulls against his restrains. He looks up to see Phasma in a chair across the room from him, with decidedly more blood coming from her head. She’s completely passed out. 

“Do you really think you are going to escape?”

Poe looks up to see Bren moving in front of him, obscuring Phasma from view. Bren is wearing a full uniform. The black jacket is buttoned all the up his neck and the lines of the suit make him look taller than Poe remembers. His hair is slicked back and his jaw is so steeled Poe images it to be made of metal. “Who are you?”

“I’m the one who is going to win this war, Commander Dameron.”

He doesn’t have time to anticipate the blow. It happens so fast that all Poe can feel is throbbing pain on his cheek the metallic taste of blood pooling on his tongue. He spits it onto the pristine metal floor. 

“You’re going to have to try harder than that,” he smirks. As much as he wants to cry he cannot afford to show weakness. “Unless you plan on killing me with another shitty blowjob.”

Bren grabs Poe’s throat in his leather-gloved hand and angles his face up. He stands with his face mere inches from his own. “I went to Nar Shaadda looking for my Captain. At first I thought she perished when the Starkiller Base malfunctioned…”

“When we fucking blew it up,” Poe reminds him. 

“WHEN THE STARKILLER BASE MALFUNCTIONED!” Bren shouts, stepping away from Poe. He begins to pace the room, hands behind his back, boots clicking on the floor as he circles. “But when her armor was found on a transporter and she was nowhere to be found, I realized the disease had spread. It is my job to ensure the disease is cured.”

“So you are going to recondition her and Finn? Why not just kill them?” Poe starts to strategize in his head, seeing how Bren has started to crack. Take the weakness and turn it into a canyon so big it will rip his plans apart. Poe can do that.

“Captain Phasma and FN-2187 hold valuable information. But they are also defective.”

“Having the ability to see through your bullshit is defective, Bren?”

He curls his lip. “General Brendol Hux.”

“You are in charge of the Stormtroopers. You’d think with all that dick you could have practiced your teeth technique.” This Poe can work with. If the intel Leia shared over the past months is anything, he knows that General Hux tends to publicly disagree with Kylo Ren on a regular basis. First he has to test out insecurity, then anger and jealousy. Either way, he can weasel himself in.

His reply earns him a punch to the gut. He doubles over as much as possible in the chair, gulping for air that his body can’t take in. Nothing like getting the wind knocked out of you to remember how fragile you are.

“Your reputation is somewhat based on fact apparently,” General Hux replies, rubbing his leather-clad hands together. “Headstrong and self-assured. Eager, you are so eager. I’m actually surprised you turned me down the first time. Although I’m assuming it is because you had FN-2187 back home. He was so well trained to do at he’s told. Does he do what you tell him in the privacy of your room?” 

“Whatever the fuck you are playing at, just get it over with.”

General Hux takes a syringe out of his pocket, filled with a blue liquid. He sticks it into Poe’s arm and depresses the plunger quickly. The liquid seems to instantly swirl through his body. He feels warm all over, tingly. It’s a familiar sensation in an unfamiliar setting and it’s entirely unsettling.

He throws the syringe to the ground. “You act so strong because it’s all you know, but you need something more, don’t you, Poe Dameron?”

He spits in the General’s face. “Fuck you.”

General Hux wordlessly moves over to Phasma. He reaches up to her neck with both hands and begins to strangle her. She wakes up and gags, struggling against her restraints. Poe screams, offering to do anything if General Hux would please just stop. But he doesn’t listen. He locks eyes with Phasma as her face turns red and the vessels in her eyes burst. Poe feels his pulse quicken and his body flush. His fingers and toes begin to tingle as he listens to the choking and the sound and the slowing of thwanks against the restraints as she begins to die. He feels himself growing hard in his pants to the point of aching and he screams out in pain for someone to make it all stop. Poe cries for her as she releases her last breath and doesn’t take in another to replace it. He’s right on the edge. He cries as General Hux releases her throat and steps back to admire his work. 

“Captain Phasma clearly isn’t strong enough. Not as strong as you. But you, you could lead my army. Stand by my side, couldn’t you?”

He takes off a glove and brings his bare hand to Poe’s face, stroking gently. “I feel your pain, Poe. I can feel you slipping into that darkness, but you fight it. You don’t need to fight it, I’m right here. I can help you. You don’t have to be alone, you don’t have to hurt. I can show you how to make it feel good, feel right.” He leans in close and whispers into Poe’s ear. “I could give you the love you want.”

“You really think I’m going to fall for this?” Poe says, not flinching from General Hux’s touch because he needs the contact. He wants to touch skin to skin, he needs it, and the thought both arouses and disgusts him. Still he doesn’t flinch or pull away. “You whisper sweet nothings into my ear and I’ll just take up that ugly as shit trooper armor and lead your little children to slaughter? You know nothing.”

General Hux pulls away and puts his glove back on. “You will.”

It isn’t until the General leaves the room that he remembers what Finn told him about reconditioning. General Hux gave him a drug to arouse him. This is the plan, he thinks. I am being conditioned to become a Stormtrooper. A drone, a mindless tool of an army of darkness. Is this what happened to Ben? Did he finally give up and revel in the darkness so he could no longer feel the pain?

Would it be worth it?

~

After what feels like an eternity and thinking about anything but Finn or General Hux or the corpse of Phasma in the room, his erection goes away. His pulse slows and he feels in control again. He considering sliding off to sleep when he hears screaming. Finn’s screams. Poe screams back, calling out his name. He screams until he can no longer hear Finn’s voice, until his own voice cracks and croaks. When a Stormtrooper enters the room he can’t even scream back. The trooper injects his arm with more blue liquid and Poe sobs at the thought of having to go through this again. 

Then the trooper moves towards the door, flipping a switch on a control panel. Suddenly the room is filled with images of people being killed. Torn apart, blown up, stabbed and strangled. Then an image of Finn is projected, of him in a restraint chair, being beaten. He’s screaming and bleeding and sweating and gasping for air between blows. The tingle returns and his heart thuds. He puts every ounce of energy into keeping his eyes closed and willing his erection away but it stays. It twitches each time Finn gasps or cries out. Poe throws up again, mucus and bile.

Within the cacophony of screams and images, Poe realizes that he has to save Finn and the only way he can do that is to get out of this chair. It’s going to take a few days, but if he can convince General Hux that he has brainwashed him, he could probably get close enough to Finn. Fuck, he’ll probably be asked to kill Finn as his final test. That’s when he has his chance to save him.

Just play along, he tells himself. Stop fighting.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe begins to understand how effective the torture methods of the First Order can be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, trigger warnings for just about anything.

General Hux brings Poe water. Poe spits it out. He has to pretend he’s still fighting for a little while longer. The General pours it into his mouth and clamps his jaw shut until Poe nearly chokes and swallows. After about an hour of fighting, Poe gives in and drinks the water brought to his lips willingly. He has no idea how long he has been in this chair, but it’s been long enough that the latest shot has worn off and his legs are cramping from holding his body up. He’s counted three injections so far. He thinks. He knows he needs water. So he drinks.  
  
ff the blue liquid, he feels like he can handle himself. He’s had three injections now and when each fades from his system he feels like he’s run a marathon. His body aches and his cock hurts from the prolonged pressure. He’s starting to see how effective this torture can be. When he is hard and turned on all he wants to do is come and relieve the tension, even with torture playing out in blue holograms throughout the room.

The General lets him drink his fill before removing the bottle from his lips. “You are doing so well, Poe.”

Poe considers spitting his last mouthful at him, but he’s still thirsty and he’s so tired and sore that another punch to the gut or face isn’t on his list of preferred outcomes. “How long have I been here?”

“You don’t get to ask me questions, not yet,” the General sighs, taking the bottle to the small table on the side of the room. “But you have done well, so I will tell you that you’ve been here for at least a day. And before you disobey me and ask, FN-2187 is alive.”

Two Stormtroopers come into the room and begin to remove Phasma. Her body is in rigor, arms difficult to get out of the restraints. Poe looks away when he hears a crunch of bones being broken to pull her out. He doesn’t even realize that General Hux is so close until he feels a needle sting his arm. He looks down to see a pink liquid this time.

“No, not again, please don’t…” Poe pleads, shaking.

~

Before he even opens his eyes he knows that something has changed. He jolts up, now laying on a bed in a small room. The bedspread is black and soft, the mattress having almost swallowed Poe’s sore body. There is a small table and two chairs on the far end of the room. The walls are still the same harsh metal of the other rooms. Poe looks down to find himself no longer wearing his clothes. He is wearing a white tunic and white trousers made of very light fabric. So light he can tell he is not wearing any other garments underneath. He’s relieved to be devoid of that used Stormtrooper under suit but feeling vulnerable in his current attire. He’s not wearing any restraints.

He jumps out of the bed and runs to the door, immediately trying to figure out how to get out. He tries the control panel at the door but of course it’s coded so he can’t access it. He turns the mattress off the frame and finds nothing. The table has no drawers and the metal chairs don’t have any parts that can be removed. He picks up a chair and pounds it against the door over and over until his already weak body protests by producing a leg cramp and a stitch in his side. He stumbles his way back to the bed and sits, contemplating his next move.

The door opens and Poe rushes whoever is coming through, it happens to be a trooper. The trooper pushes Poe to the ground and aims a blaster on him. Poe looks up from his position on the floor to see General Hux enter the room behind him, carrying a tray. He sets the tray on the table.

“Dismissed,” he tells the trooper, who leaves and locks the door behind him. “You may sit, Poe.”

“What’s to stop me from killing you?” he asks, still on the ground.

“Only you,” he says, moving the chair so it’s back at the table. He sits. “I have brought us dinner.”

“I’m not eating,” Poe says. 

“You eat or I kill FN-2187,” he replies, uncovering the tray to reveal two glasses, a bottle of Corellian liquor, and two plates of steaming meals. The air smells so good and Poe can’t remember the last time he ate.

Poe sits at the second chair and takes a plate. He notices that there are no utensils for either of them. The General is only tricking Poe into thinking there is a level of trust here. He wants to cry at the thought that things will only get worse before he can get to Finn.

“His name is Finn,” Poe says, using his fingers to shovel food into his mouth.

“As you wish,” the General replies. He pours Poe a glass and slides it to him. “I do wish you would call me Hux. We are destined to be close, no sense in fighting it.”

“What’s your plan, wine and dine me, make me think you are my friend?” Poe takes a long pull from his glass. “Another sad blowjob?”

The General smirks, pouring his own drink and taking a sip. “I just want to talk.”

“About?” Poe continues to shovel food into his mouth as fast as he can, totally unashamed about licking his fingers.

“You.” He removes his gloves and sets them on the table. “I have been reading, while you were in the reconditioning wing. You parents, Shara and Kes. The Battle of Endor, the Rebellion.”

“They are not a topic up for discussion,” Poe replies, finishing his meal. He downs the rest of his drink and slams down his glass, disappointed that it doesn’t shatter.

“There, there, Poe,” he pours him another drink. “That glass will not break. If you want to kill me, you’ll have to do it with your bare hands.”

Poe tries to launch himself across the table at General Hux, he tries to put his hands around the man’s neck. Instead he stumbles and falls over himself, landing on the floor of the room. His entire body is weak and he labors to move. His brain screams at his body to move, run, fight, but his body isn’t getting the message. He sees the General kneel over him and produce another syringe, injecting him. He grabs for the General’s arm but he’s so weak he cannot grip the sleeve.

“This is one of my favorites, you see. It’s a beautiful little drug that lets you stay awake and breathe and gives you just enough ability to move and feel, but you have no strength. I had to put it in the food because it makes the drink turn black.” The General pockets the now empty syringe. “No cuffs or restraints to worry about. The illusion of freedom without the ability to run. The last time your friend FN-2187 was in reconditioning he managed to escape before we got this far. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been able to do this.”

“His name is Finn,” Poe whispers, even his voice feeling weak.

The General backhands his cheek and the grabs his jaw roughly. “Did you like that?”

“Fuck you,” Poe says, feeling that now familiar tingle and heat rush through him.

He feels the General hoist him up and put him on the bed. He straddles Poe and leans in close. “You want me to, don’t you?”

Poe feels his erection begin to swell, the light fabric teasing because it doesn’t constrict and provide the friction his body wants. He can’t even arch into the man on top of him for a little relief. “I want you to die.”

He gets hit again. “You have lived in pain for so very long, Poe. But your problem is that you fight it.”

“Don’t you?” he asks, trying to close his eyes but finding that he can only blink them just a little bit.

“Embrace the dark side, Poe.” He removes his gloves and caresses Poe’s face. “I told you that I could love you. I could love you back. Not like FN…Finn. Your little Finn.”

Poe looks at the General and sees him soften. “You called him Finn.”

“Your Finn,” the General smiles slightly. “He’s just a toy, a machine who was programmed to do what he’s told. You are strong and beautiful. You are a leader, not General Organa’s little puppet.”

“I’m not a puppet,” he pants, his body so wanting of the man on top of him.

“Precisely,” The General says. He lifts the hem of Poe’s tunic and runs his fingertips down his sides. Poe flinches at the tickle and feels his body crying out in need of more. 

“I’m not your puppet either.”

The General leans down and brushes his lips against Poe’s ear. “You could be my world and I would give you the galaxy. Because you and I could run it forever. You and your secrets from the Resistance. All your inside knowledge. With you by my side, we won’t need Kylo Ren. Think about that, Poe.”

Without another word, the general takes the tray, making a show of leaving the bottle, and leaves Poe alone on the bed, paralyzed and so hard he could cry.

~

General Hux does not return when the drugs wear off. Once Poe is no longer paralyzed he takes himself in his hand. The blue was close to wearing off but he came almost instantly anyway, the sore flesh on fire with each jerk of his cock. He quickly wipes up with the corner of one of his sheets. It makes him feel disgusting, the thought that he could get off here, with everything that has happened and everything that has to happen. He leans over the side of the bed in anticipation of vomiting, but he wills himself to keep it down. He doesn’t know when he’ll get another meal and he has no idea how long he was lying there unable to move.

He gets up and nearly runs to the table, drinking the contents of the bottle and General Hux’s glass so quickly it makes his head spin. He expects to vomit immediately but it stays down. He wills it to pulse through his system as fast as possible and make the pain disappear. He kicks himself knowing that’s exactly what he wanted, he wanted Poe to self-medicate. It shows weakness. What a fucking idiot.

He curls up into a ball on the bed and bites the sheets, screaming into them. He needs to get out of here, he needs Chewbacca’s help and he needs to find Finn before General Hux kills him. He has to get out of here and the only way he can get out is to let General Hux think he has won. He played a bit of his hand, either out of stupidity or to entice Poe. He wants Kylo Ren out, but he needs Poe’s intelligence. His reputation is also something that he wants to have on his side, too. 

~

“This is the spot,” Poe says, taking off his pack and letting everything clamor to the ground. 

“This is great,” Finn replies, sliding his own pack off. “I don’t know how to pitch a tent.”

Poe looks at Finn and rolls his eyes. “Mmhmm, I’ve seen…”

“NOT THAT,” Finn blushes—and yes Poe can tell under that dark skin—and leans in to plant a quick kiss to his lips. “Let’s set up camp and then go swimming?”

Poe kisses him again, pulling his waist close. Finn cards his fingers through his hair and scrapes his fingernails on his scalp, which he knows Poe likes. Poe moans into his mouth and parts from him, resting his forehead to Finn’s cheek and panting. “Seriously, let’s get set up.”

Finn pouts but the two manage to set up the tent and sleeping gear quickly. Before Poe can pull Finn back for some fun in the grass, Finn takes off towards the lake, stripping his clothing piece by piece until he hits the water naked. Poe does the same, splashing into the cold water and diving after him and jumping onto his back, straddling his waist. They play and splash and cuddle and kiss in the water until they are both so hard they are aching and have no choice but to run back into the tent.

Finn likes to be on top. He loves to dig his hip into Poe’s and nibble at his collarbone. He dips his head lower and spends at least twenty minutes on each nipple, completely reducing Poe to the blood pounding in his ears and the tingle on his skin. He trails back up and kisses Poe until his lips are swollen and he can’t breathe. Not that he wants to. He could die and be happy with the life he lived.

Poe returns the favor, jerking Finn in hard but slow strokes, rutting up against him until Finn finally flips him over. He gets lost in the feeling of Finn’s fingers and tongue opening him up. He nearly dies when Finn finally enters him and he comes alive again when Finn begins to move inside. He whimpers with each thrust, each kiss to the back of his neck and shoulders. He doesn’t care that he comes only seconds after Finn reaches around to touch him, messing up his sleeping bag. He doesn’t care that Finn comes inside him and that he’s going to have to clean up in the lake.

But once they part, Poe curls up with his head on Finn’s chest and falls asleep to a hand petting his back and a voice telling him how much he is loved.

~

He doesn’t fight the Stormtrooper who comes in to inject him with another syringe of blue. But when he comes at him with the pink, he holds up a hand softly. “Tell the General I wish to speak with him.”

Poe paces the room for ten minutes until the General arrives. He turns to face him when he enters, knowing full well his erection is clearly visible and his face and neck are blushed red. Now is not the time to fight the blue, he is on a mission.

“Hux.”

The General smirks. “You look so pathetic.” He moves to the panel and the room fills with more holograms and sounds of screams. He moves to Poe, just out of arm’s reach. “You are still fighting, I can tell. But you are also starting to think of the beauty in the darkness.”

“I just really want more liquor.”

“I thought you were hungry, you haven’t eaten in ten hours.” The General holds up a blaster and sets a syringe of pink on the table. “Inject it yourself.”

Poe eyes the blaster and the syringe, knowing that while he won’t be killed just yet, an injury could prevent him from saving Finn. He takes the needle and injects himself quickly, tossing it back on the table. “I still want more liquor.”

General Hux puts his blaster on the floor by the door and moves to pull Poe close to him by the waist. Poe grabs onto him, feeling already too weak to hit with any force. He tries anyway, each blow becoming weaker and weaker until he can no longer lift his arms. 

“I saw you touch yourself,” the General says. “I could make it so much better.”

“I…don…no,” Poe tries to say. He supposes this dose was stronger than the last because the General’s touches feel more numb than before. “Finn…”

The General lays Poe down on the bed and slides next to him. He removes his gloves and runs his fingers through Poe’s hair and if he could shudder, he would. “You want to see him, don’t you?”

Poe tries to nod, but instead his just grumbles.

“Why do you need him? He will only betray you.” The General puts his hand on Poe’s chest. “When I’m not in here, I’m in there. I’m injecting him and playing him and he has never said your name once. He just keeps asking me to kill him.”

Could that have any amount of truth in it? Is Finn begging to die? Poe feels his eyes filling with tears.

“Poe, darling,” the General wipes away his tears. “I’m only keeping him around because he screams on those holotapes so well. The other troopers are enjoying beating him. They find his treachery as abhorrent as I do. With Phasma gone, I’m having to keep them in shape. That’s why I need you. You are the best pilot in the galaxy and you know everything about the Resistance. And yes,” he drags his fingers down past the drawstring of Poe’s pants and gently cups his aching cock. “You were my first. Maybe it’s those eyes, but I have to have you. Phasma knew how to service me well enough, but you…”

Hux kisses him. It’s soft and sloppy, but that’s probably because Poe can’t kiss back. But something tells his body that he wants to. He wants to be cared for and loved, even if it’s not as real as what he feels for Finn. Finn doesn’t love him back and at least Hux could make him happy. 

“Pl…pleee…” Poe tries to beg.

Hux pulls away from Poe and stands up. He moves to the control panel at the door and touches a button, the room filling with Finn’s screams. Hux picks up his blaster and turns back to Poe.

“I’ll have a bottle waiting for you when the injections wear off, my Poe.”

My Poe.

His.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> General Hux continues to work on turning Poe into the new Captain of the First Order. Can Poe resist the call to the dark? Where are Chewbacca and Finn?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate giving up the plot, but this is a lot of weird emotional torture and while it seems like I’m indulging a Hux/Poe thing, it is very integral to the upcoming plot and how Poe learns to relate to Finn again. This is the last emotional!torture chapter, I promise.

He wakes up to another bottle of liquor and a meal on the table, along with a note. He doesn’t even read the note, but he takes the bottle and the food to the bed. He chooses to drink a quarter of the bottle first and then eat, in case the food is tainted with pink again. Might as well be drunk if he’s going to have to go through anything else. He shovels the food into his mouth with his fingers, reveling in the quiet. For the first time in what has probably been days, it’s quiet. He must have earned some sort of reward or something. Maybe he’ll get to see Finn sooner than he originally thought.

After finishing the food, he leans over and sets the tray on the floor next to the bottle. He doesn’t feel weak yet but he doesn’t want to stand up and chance it. He lays back and scratches his beard and scalp. He doesn’t remember the last time he bathed. The sweat has turned into grime coating his body and it makes him feel sick. He wonders if he’ll ever get to bathe. He does get to use a bucket to piss in on occasion when the troopers bring one in, but so far no bath or shower. He wonders if he could ask Hux to bring him a bowl of water and cloth. The General. Not Hux. Don’t get too personal now, Poe.

“I am here to save Finn,” he says to himself, reaching down for the bottle and taking in more and more. “I am here to save Finn and Chewie and 8 and go home.”

He chants to himself over and over for what is probably three hours when the door opens and the General comes in. Poe’s drunk, this he knows. But he still knows better than to try to fight him. He can’t fight him. Just the way he enters the room seems to take Poe aback enough that he couldn’t. So he just sits there on his bed, back against the wall, and cradles a now-empty bottle in his lap. He looks up at the General to see him holding a bottle of water.

“I thought you would be thirsty,” he says, setting the bottle on the bed by Poe’s feet. “The liquor will dehydrate you.”

“Like you care, Hux,” Poe scoffs, reaching down to take the bottle and drink greedily. “So whhhat will it be? Bink? Plue? Both?” He snickers as his own slurring. “Got a new one?”

General Hux pulls a syringe of blue out of his pocket. “I can tell you are still fighting this, Poe.”

“Well duh,” Poe laughs. “I’m never going to turn so just kill me now, okay?”

The General shakes his head and sits on the bed next to Poe. “Give me your arm.”

“Fuck OFF!” Poe slaps at him. 

The General grabs his wrist and quickly pins Poe down on the bed, hovering over him. “I don’t blame you, Poe,” he injects the blue quickly and throws the needle across the room. “Ever since your parents abandoned you, you haven’t been able to trust in anyone. They left you so they could fight in the war, so they could fly for the Senate. Their employment is public record, my Poe.”

“I tolllld, you…do not talk of them,” Poe slurs. In addition to the flood of heat and lust filling his body he feels light and floaty, like if Hux wasn’t on top of him he would float up to the ceiling.

“I think you drank too much,” Hux says. “The blue tends to react with alcohol. Poe, I won’t speak of your family again. I care too deeply to upset you that way. I apologize.”

What kind of mind-fuck is this? Bring up his parents and then get all sweet and make a show of apologizing to him? Poe tries to sneer. He knows he can’t overtake Hux, but he wants to. He is, however, able to move somewhat and before he realizes what he’s done, he’s grinding his now hard cock up into Hux. 

“So you came in here t-t-to fuck me?”

Hux smiles and reaches a hand to Poe’s face, cradling it softly in his bare hand. “Not until you are ready.”

Poe is prepared for the kiss this time, and he fully intended to bite Hux’s lips off, but the instant they meet the heat in his body turns on like a light switch. He opens his mouth greedily and mixed his lips with Hux’s. He tastes like liquor and salt. He moves his jaw strongly yet slow, allowing Poe to push first. Hux gently eases his tongue in and Poe meets it with his. It’s so soft and warm and Poe’s gut twists in need. They swirl for a moment before he remembers his mission; he’s drunk but if he catches him off guard he could still win. Poe bites Hux’s tongue but with the alcohol his body doesn’t do it fast enough.

Hux breaks the kiss and touches a finger to his tongue. “Didn’t even break the surface,” he mutters. “Why would you hurt me, my Poe?”

He struggles against Hux’s grasp but in his drunken state he’s no match for the General’s strength. He looks up at him, locks eyes, and suddenly stops. Those eyes are the ones that told him he could be loved. He didn’t get hit or beat for biting, which is what he was expecting. Hux tisks and takes a syringe of pink out of his jacket, quickly injecting Poe before throwing it over to clamor against the blue one on the floor. 

“I’m ssssorry,” Poe says softly.

“I can’t lay here with you if I fear for my life,” Hux smiles, climbing off of Poe and laying on his side next to him. “I’m going to stay here with you for a while. Keep you warm, my Poe.”

Poe tries to roll his eyes but the pink has settled in fast this time. He wants to whimper and beg for Hux’s lips back on his own. He wants to beg for forgiveness. Instead he lays on his back and stares at the ceiling until Hux turns his head to face him. His expression is somewhat softened. Beautiful pale skin…dark warm skin. Light blue eyes…warm brown eyes. Finn. Finn’s eyes and skin. He is here to save Finn and Chewie and BB-8 and go home. He is here to save them.

The General clicks a small remote he pulls from his pocket and Finn’s screams fill the room. But Poe recognizes these screams, he’s heard them before. It’s just a loop. One endless loop. An endless loop of screams and pink and blue and Hux and how much he wants it all to stop. Hux wraps and arm around him and pulls him close. He nuzzles Poe’s neck and gently rubs across his shoulder, his chest, his cheek and back around again. It’s warm and soft and kind. Too kind. Poe bit his tongue in some lame attempt to run away and Hux returns it with gentle touches and nuzzles. He feels Hux plant soft kisses to his neck and sigh into his ear and he’s so hard, so hard now.

“Ttttoouch…” Poe takes a deep breath, “muh, muh…” This fucking pink and the alcohol and the blue. He feels so vulnerable and he knows he shouldn’t be begging Hux to touch him but it’s all he wants. He needs it, right now.

“Touch you?” Hux whispers in his ear, nibbling on the ear lobe ever so softly. Finn’s screams seem to disappear as Hux exhales against Poe’s cheek. Hux reaches down and into Poe’s pants, wrapping his fingers around his cock with the lightest touch and it’s driving Poe insane. He wishes he could trust into the hand but he can’t move. “Is this what you want?”

“Moo….muh…” Poe manages, gasping for breath.

Hux kisses Poe softly and removes his hand. He stands up and moves to the door, picking up the syringes and placing the bottle of water on the floor near the bed. He smiles down at Poe. “You are so beautiful this way, but you are not ready. Soon, you can lead my army. Your army. Ours.”

He leaves and Poe’s heartbeat is so fast and hard in his chest it drowns out the screams being played into the room.

~

…Two days later…

Poe wakes up to nothing. No screams, no Hux. Hux usually curls up next to him, gives him some pink and blue and helps him fall asleep, but he’s not there when he wakes up. He never is. He supposes that Hux has other things to do. He’s a very busy man, running the First Order. He must have a lot to attend to on this ship. 

Stretching in bed to ensure the pink has worn off, Poe palms is now flaccid cock, deciding on whether or not he wants to come. He ultimately decides he does not want to come by his own hand, not this time. Usually when the pink wears off his jerks off so fast and hard that he comes almost instantly, regardless of how strong or weak the blue is that is left in his body. But it’s boring and not what Poe wants. He wants Hux to make him come. He notices a tray of food on the table so he gets out of bed and sits down to eat. He drinks his fill of water, sighing at the lack of liquor, and moves over to the bucket provided by the troopers to take a piss. It’s when he walks past he door that he sees the blinking light on the keypad.

The door is unlocked.

He pretends he didn’t notice, knowing full well that cameras are on him, and takes a leak. As he walks back to the table, he sees it. It’s open. Some idiot Stormtrooper left it open for him. Maybe it’s another potential defector, trying to help Poe escape. Escape. Poe is supposed to escape. Save Finn. Remember that? He thinks about Finn and the screams. They are just screams. Hux tells him they are only weakness and that Poe is strong. Poe will lead the Stormtroopers into battle while he stands by Hux’s side. Together they can overthrow Kylo Ren and Supreme Leader Snoke. Poe is strong and beautiful and his.

That’s what he tells him. But sometimes in his dreams he remembers BB-8 and Chewbacca. He remembers Snap and Kare and Jessica. Leia and Han. Ben. Finn. They feel so distant, but he remembers the love and friendship. He remembers his X-Wing and how she feels when he flies her. He remembers his parents and his home. He remembers his books.

Poe walks to the panel and presses the button, the door hissing open. He stands in the doorway, waiting for a hoard of Stormtroopers to descend upon him. But there are none. Poe takes a barefoot step out, then another and another until he’s halfway down the hall and trying to memorize each scratch on the floor and counting the doors. He isn’t prepared to rescue Finn and Chewie, but he can at least go on recon. This is a recon. He’s working, he tells himself. His hands tremble from the alcohol withdrawal as he makes his way down the hall. When he gets to the end of the wing, he sees three troopers marching past. He ducks behind a pillar, holding his breath and willing his heart to stop pounding. He would be able to take two of them without a weapon at his peak, but he can’t risk it. 

He makes his way to what appears to be a communications or control hub. He logs onto the computer system and is able to pull up only the map of the Destroyer. All other files are locked. He shouldn’t go snooping right now anyway, he doesn’t have that kind of time. He brings up the map and starts to commit it to memory. He sees the wing he was being kept is marked as OFFICER QUARTERS. He wasn’t in the brig or prison wing. Hux gave him his own room. Without a guard, apparently. He scans the map for the prison wing, which isn’t too far away from his current location. His memorizes the location of the prison wing and the different paths before closing the map and leaving the room. It seems like hours have passed as he moves down halls, avoiding small groups of troopers and the occasional uniformed officer. The last time he was on a Destroyer there were ten times the number of personnel. Something isn’t right here, but hopefully it edges out in Poe’s favor.

When Poe finally sees the entrance to the prison wing, he has to hold back tears. Poe sees two troopers walking into the wing, backs turned. He’s so close. He’s ready to come out from behind the pillar he’s hiding behind when he sees more troopers approaching, leading Chewbacca in cuffs into the wing. Behind him, another five troopers and then Finn being led by cuffs, flanked by four more troopers.

Finn. Poe has never once wanted to be Force sensitive but he is using his entire being to will his thoughts to Finn. He’s maybe forty feet away and moving farther, back turned to him. They are both strong enough to walk on two feet. Poe could do it now. He could shout and distract the troopers. Chewie could swing and knock them out, steal a blaster. Finn could take the lead and the three of them could just power their way to the Falcon and escape. He’s not ready. If he does this now, they die. He fails them.

Poe turns around and nearly bumps into General Hux. Hux smiles at him and puts a hand on his shoulder. 

“Poe, I’ve been looking for you.”

Poe braces for a blow but it doesn’t come. After several tense seconds, he relaxes. “I was looking for you. I don’t like that you leave before I wake up.” Play along, Dameron. Play along.

Hux smiles softly. “Let’s go back to your wing, I have a surprise for you.”

Poe follows Hux back towards the officer’s wing. Part of him wants to punch him, overpower him, drive his thumbs into Hux’s eye sockets until the orbs pop under this skin. But he isn’t strong enough. He doesn’t even have fucking shoes on his feet, there’s no way he could be successful. Hux leads him straight to a room that appears to be filled with showers and benches. The black mirror panels on the walls and barriers surrounding each shower head shine like they’ve been polished for days. Hux leads him to the first shower, where a white towel sits folded on the bench before it. The General sits next to the towel and gestures to the stall.

Poe quietly steps inside the stall and removes his clothing, tossing them over the door. He turns on the water and adjusts the temperature and its real. Real water. He instantly puts his head under the stream to hide his tears. He gave up a chance to save Finn so that he could see whatever little treasure Hux was going to give him. He gave up Finn for a fucking shower. He feels so weak and small and disgusting, even as the grime from his body swirls down the drain.

“Allow me,” Hux says softly. Poe hears the rustle of fabric and turns to see Hux removing his clothing, folding everything neatly on the bench before walking into the stall. 

Hux enters the shower stall, naked and half-hard, and reaches around Poe for a small bottle on the ledge under the faucet. He pours a generous amount onto his palm and reaches it into Poe’s hair, lathering. He scrapes his fingernails into Poe’s scalp to loosen the dirt. Poe could kill him right now, it would be easy. He could kick him in the dick and choke life out of him. Except he can’t bring himself to do it. Hux is standing here washing his hair and now his beard and he reaches for more soap and starts to wash his body with his bare hands.

“We need to shave this,” Hux says in a deep low voice. “A good Captain adheres to the dress code of the First Order.”

“Didn’t you write the dress code?” Poe smiles, leaning into Hux’s touches on his body. He hasn’t been touched with such care and reverence since Ben and it’s so good. There’s no fear. Poe knows Hux isn’t hurting him.

“When I kiss you, it scratches me,” Hux says.

Poe puts his hands on Hux’s waist and pulls him close. Hux leans down to kiss him and he kisses him on his lips and there is no blue making him hard and no pink making him weak and pliable. He’s hard because of Hux, he’s pliable because he wants to kiss him. Hux means everything to him. He means everything to Hux and it’s amazing. He grinds his cock into Hux’s hip and sucks on his tongue and it’s reciprocated with a moan.

“Captain Dameron, Poe,” Hux moans, pulling away from him. “Not yet.”

“I’m ready,” Poe pants, letting Hux push him under the stream of water. “I can tell you are, too.”

“Finish on your own. I will wait in the hall.”

Poe doesn’t even wait for Hux to finishing dressing before he starts to jerk himself off, coming before Hux leaves the room. He wants Hux to know how much he wants him.

~

Once back in his room, he sees a suit laid out on the bed. He looks up to Hux. “What’s this?”

“This is your new uniform,” Hux says. “It’s the same as mine, but grey. I’d much rather see you and your body than hide you behind that chrome armor.”

Poe smiles and drops his towel, putting on the suit so fast he’s afraid he’s ripped it. The boots take longer to put on, but he does it as fast as he can. Once clothed, he turns to face Hux. “How do I look?”

“You are almost ready,” Hux says, approaching Poe and pulling him in for a kiss. Poe feels a prick to his neck as Hux leads him over to his bed.

“Why more pink?” Poe says, feeling his limbs weaken as he lets Hux lay him down. He doesn’t even try to fight.

“You have to remember who is in charge, Poe,” Hux sneers. “Just because I gave you a shower and a suit doesn’t mean you get off without punishment for leaving your room.” He leans down and injects Poe with more blue and uses his remote to play screaming into the room.

“Please don’t…” Poe begs, letting tears fall from his eyes. Not that he can really control it much. 

“No no no, my dear Poe, you are so good at your job. Don’t you think I knew you accessed the computer system? You were looking for FN-2187 and Chewbacca. You will learn. You cannot truly be Captain Poe Dameron until you stop fighting me. I am your world now. Everything you have, your body and your heart, your mind and your knowledge, are all mine. You will give them to me. All of it. But you aren’t there yet.”

He doesn’t expect Hux to start choking him. Poe’s entire body is flying and he’s achingly hard from the blue and he can’t breathe but it doesn’t hurt as much as scares him. He can’t fight it, he can’t move. He can’t beg Hux to stop. Hux lets him go just before he feels like he is going to pass out and then he punches him in the stomach. The pink isn’t enough to completely paralyze him, his body starts to automatically fight against the blow to his diaphragm but it hurts. 

Why did he break the rules? He should have never done anything to upset Hux. Hux only loves him and cares for him and gives him gifts and showers and kisses and lays with him and wants to have him lead an army. He broke the rules, he betrayed his General. Poe deserves execution and he should be grateful for the reprieve. When he can talk again he will beg forgiveness and loyalty. To his Stormtrooper army. To his General. To his love.

His world is turning black and he wants to open his eyes and see his Hux. But the only thing he can see through that piercing darkness is Finn being led down the hall by Stormtroopers.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Poe Dameron is given his first task as an officer of the First Order, with his transformation to the Dark Side nearly complete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note: I made a playlist for this fic. http://nextboldmove-ao3.tumblr.com/post/140889975404/worthy-playlist

It’s been seven days since Hux punished Poe and he remembers what happens when he disappoints his General. He gets choked and cut and slapped and teased to the point of coming and denied for hours. So Poe has been following the rules. Three days ago, Hux gave him access to roam the entire hall of the wing—all the other rooms have been locked, but he can use the toilet and the shower whenever he wants. He wakes up to his suit freshly laundered and pressed and hanging from a hook on the wall. There’s always water and food for him and another meal brought around the middle of the day.

Hux visits him in the late afternoons and evenings. Always with a bottle of liquor and dinner. They eat and talk about common things. Two evenings ago, Hux tells Poe about a new fleet of Stormtroopers being almost ready to go and how acquisition is at an all time high but it takes ten years to groom and raise each one. Hux doesn’t ask for tactical support, but Poe does mention that the Resistance has been training the influx of Hosnian refugees that have been living on the bases. This information seemed to have pleased Hux, because he gets up from his chair and moves to Poe, leaning down the kiss him softly and card fingers through his hair. Poe was so happy that he was able to please his General so much that he could barely finish his meal. All he wanted to do was to tell Hux more, but Hux insisted that he shave Poe’s face and cut and style his hair to compliance with the First Order dress code for officers. When Hux holds up a mirror, he likes what he sees. He also likes how happy Hux is.

This morning Poe is awakened by Hux storming into his room and feverishly pacing. He gets out of bed so quickly he nearly stumbles right into his General. Hux looks frustrated and angry and Poe doesn’t know what he could have done to upset him.

“Sir?” he asks tentatively, bracing for a blow.

“Get dressed, I need to take you to the bridge.”

Poe could smile and kiss him out of gratitude, but instead he keeps a steel face and changes into his uniform as quickly as possible. He moves to the mirror and uses the pomade Hux gifted him—the same he uses—to style his hair back before turning back to his General. “Sir,” he says.

“We’ve spotted on long-range scanners two old transport ships. They are on a course to intercept and they are using old Rebel Alliance signatures.”

“Rebel Alliance signatures?” Poe asks.

“We had to research them in the historical database,” Hux says matter-of-factly. “Captain, why would the Resistance be using Rebel Alliance signatures?”

“We wouldn’t…”

Hux slaps Poe across the face with a gloved hand. “We?”

Poe reaches a hand up to place his hair back in place. “I am so sorry, sir.”

General Hux grabs Poe by the throat and squeezes just enough to make Poe nervous. “I should beat you within an inch of your life for your insolence.”

“And I would deserve it,” he replies.

“Tell me,” Hux grunts.

“I am yours. All of me.” Hux releases his grip and Poe continues. “The Resistance has upgraded tactical and communication gear since the old wars. The Resistance wouldn’t use those signatures, they wouldn’t be compatible.”

“That’s my Poe. You know, if you do a good job today, I’ll give you what you’ve been begging me for.”

Poe’s cock twitches a little at the thought of finally being fucked by Hux. “Shall we go to the bridge?”

~

When they arrive, not a single officer or trooper bats an eye or cocks their head at Poe’s presence. Poe and Hux stand side by side as they look out over the control panel and into space. Both transports approach slowly. Poe asks the communications staff to bring up the signal and he reads the data stream quickly. He glances to Hux for permission to speak, which Hux grants with a stern nod. As disappointed as Poe is at the lack of a smirk or smile, he knows that we won’t be getting either from his Hux while they are the bridge.

“These are Rebel Alliance signatures. These ships would only be using these signatures if they were trying to communicate with other Rebel Alliance members, but this is an old code. The Resistance doesn’t have much equipment to read this old cold.”

“Who would they be communicating with?” The General asks, turning his head to look at his Captain.

Poe glances back at the read-out, trying to decipher what is being communicated. He knows all the old Rebel communications were in code and he remembers his mother teaching them all to him. His mother, Shara. Poe blinks, leaning over the console and gripping it tightly. Shara Bey. He looks at the code over and over until he finds the key letter. Once he figures it out, the entire message falls into place.

BLACK-LEADER-DO-YOU-COPY

Black Leader. Poe Dameron. Commander Poe Dameron. Someone is here for him. They are here to take him home. The Resistance. This is his shot to break out of here and save Finn. This is Poe’s chance to go home. The revelation hurts, it makes him dizzy but he steels his body and stands upright. He cannot break up on the bridge when Hux has finally given him a chance to demonstrate his loyalty. This is what he’s been hoping for since the Falcon disappeared and yet he is so terrified of doing anything to make his Hux upset. He takes a deep breath and stands up, ensuring his arms are firm at his sides.

“It’s nothing. Random signals. They must be Resistance Sympathizers who got too close and are now trying to call for help.”

General Hux takes a dignified deep breath. “We are close enough to Nar Shaddaa that someone else could have picked up a signal. That smuggler planet is full of older dried-out ships that still have the technology to pick up a Rebel Alliance signal. Bring them aboard.”

“General, we don’t have enough personnel to secure two…”

“SILENCE!” Hux screams at the officer. “Have them brought aboard and taken into the prison wing for interrogation.” He turns to Poe. “Captain Dameron, come with me.”

Poe follows Hux silently through the bridge and down the hall into a small room. It appears to be his command quarters. Poe wants to take his shot now, he wants to take the General down and escape with Finn and Chewbacca. He feels the pull towards them like a magnet too close to metal, but when Hux pins him against the wall and claims his lips it breaks the connection. Hux is just the perfect mix of caring and hard, with a dirty grind into his hip and moan into his mouth and it’s all Poe can do not to come in his uniform.

“Captain,” Hux pants, breaking the kiss, “you are going to have to interrogate our prisoners.”

“Yes, sir,” Poe replies.

“Find out if they have any ties to the Resistance,” Hux rubs an open palm over the front of Poe’s trousers. “Find out how they got out here and who they know.”

“Sir, may I ask where Kylo Ren is? Would he not want to…”

“Ren is recovering with the Supreme Leader. He doesn’t know I am here. I couldn’t risk telling him that I lost Phasma.” Hux looks down, his face softening. “He doesn’t know that his days are numbered. With you by my side, we can destroy him and take over the galaxy.”

“Where will you be?” Poe asks, thrusting into Hux’s touch. Taking over the galaxy. With Hux. It’s such an amazing thought he’s shocked he didn’t come from his words alone.

“I have the officers trying to contact our men on Nar Shaddaa to make sure there isn’t a Resistance presence. Then I will join you and watch you work. It would give me great pleasure to watch you pull information out of these Sympathizer scum.” Hux steps away. “Take a few moments to collect yourself and fix your hair.”

After three minutes of pacing and waiting, Captain Poe is escorted to the prison wing by an officer and two troopers, who told him that the General would join him shortly.

“I need more troopers,” Poe orders. “Fifty guarding this area at all times.”

“Sir, we don’t have enough Stormtroopers to accommodate that request,” the officer replies. “I have already moved all that I can onto this detail. These prisoners managed to take out ten of them before they were subdued.”

“What do you mean we don’t have enough?” Poe demands, trying to stand straight and tall and intimidating just like Hux.

“This was never a sanctioned mission, Captain.”

Poe nods. “Very well. You may return to your post. Leave these troopers to help guard the entrance to the wing.”

He is practically shaking when the officer leaves. Hux has trusted him with a very important task and he must take this seriously. The punishment for screwing this up is unfathomable. He must determine what, if anything, these prisoners know. Could they be working for the Resistance or are they just unfortunate souls who wandered into the wrong part of space?

The first door on his left opens to reveal a single man, strapped to a chair, barely awake. Poe enters the room and circles the man. He has shorter wavy dark hair and about five days worth of beard growth on his face. His brown tunic and pants are spattered with blood, most of it not his judging by the small wound on his forehead. The man looks familiar to Poe, like he has seen him before.

“Using an old Rebel Alliance signature,” Poe speaks. “Interesting choice. I must say, however, because it’s so archaic that it raised more suspicion than had you just used the Resistance bands and codes.”

The man looks up. “Commander Dameron, my name is Oscar.”

“Your name doesn’t matter.”

“We had no choice. Chewbacca put us in charge of ensuring your safety.”

“Out of the two of us in this room, you are the only one who isn’t safe,” Poe replies.

The man shakes his head. “Not here, back on Nar Shaddaa. Chewbacca assigned us to ensure your safety while he was working on gathering intelligence on the whereabouts of Kylo Ren. I thought you knew.”

“He was assigned to help find defec…”

 _He sees Finn talking to a dark haired man._ _The man is about Finn’s height and he’s got muscle definition and tanned skin. His clothes are very tight over his body and his curly hair is combed back. He has a good three day’s worth of facial hair and he can’t stop touching it while he talks to Finn._

_“Who was that?”_

_“…he was the guy. You know.”_

_“Oh, the guy you lost your virginity to…”_

“I remember you,” Poe breaths on a sigh.

The man nods. “Fuck, I thought you were faking but they did a number on you. I’ve heard rumors about reconditioning.”

Poe swallows. “Why did it take you so long?”

“We thought you left back for your base until we got a cloaked signal from a droid claiming to be on this ship, an SOS.”

Poe steps closer. “How many of you are there?”

“Four. Well, I know at least two of us are dead, I have no idea about Kshoak. We thought two transports were more intimidating. I decided not to wait for backup or even call them until we had you back, which was clearly a mistake.”

“You’ve made a lot of mistakes today, I’m afraid.” Poe steps back. “Nobody knows you are here and nobody else is coming for you. The only reason I don’t kill you right now is because the General prefers to watch these sorts of things.” Poe’s entire body thrums with power and adrenaline and it’s intoxicating. He’s high off of the strength afforded him by his Hux. What a treasure.

“Commander,” the man pleads. “The books.”

He turns to face his captive. “The books? What books?”

“Finn, told me about the books you gave each other. He told me about you.”

Poe stands in front of him, trying as hard as he can not to hit the man or cry. Either one could come at this point. “Of course, you chose to take your assignment to a whole other level.”

“I took a job in that brothel because you were staying there. I had no idea I would end up in Finn’s room. He told me about how you met and the jacket. He told me about your books and your music. Finn talked about you with a reverence I’ve never seen before. There was a camping trip, right? You were drunk and ended up with some other guy and when Finn found out it killed him.” The man shakes his head and lets out a laugh. “Back on Nar Shaddaa he was so full of hope that first night I met him.”

“I am Captain Poe Dameron of the First Order, your pleas to emotion won’t work with me.” Poe stands tall, hands behind his back, and chest high. “I gave my family and my life to the Resistance and General Organa abandoned me. The First Order is my home, now. I am going to enjoy watching every last shred of the Resistance burn and smolder at my feet.”

He walks out of the room almost too quickly, pacing his way down the hall. He opens the next door, still seething with anger from the mind tricks being played by that Resistance scum. Inside is another man, Kshoak, but he is clearly dead. The troopers didn’t even put him in the chair. So Poe circles. He can’t kill Oscar yet, he’ll wait until Hux comes to watch. He wants his reward for staying so strong.

Poe closes his eyes, trying to imagine the smile on Hux’s face and his expression when he comes with him. But he can’t see it.  All he sees is Finn. The first time he took his helmet off during his rescue. Him wearing his father’s jacket on the tarmac on D’Qar. He sees Finn on the hospital bed and then holding his hand when he woke up after the accident on Takodana. The night Finn fell asleep next to him. The book. The first fucking time Finn ever has money and he spends it all on a book for him. Poe thinks about that night at the base with the lights draped over the Falcon and the way Finn rounded the ship and looked up at him. He also remembers the fight, how Finn thought he was stupid for thinking they would work. Poe hadn’t thought about it at the time, but Finn thought they would work. Finn wanted them to work. Like that.

Poe opens his eyes but his vision is blurred with tears. He kneels next to the body on the floor, searching for a weapon even though he knows there won’t be one. He walks into the hall and looks down, counting ten total on guard in front of the other two doors—Finn and Chewbacca—and the two at the end of the wing. They can do this. He can do this.

His body trembles, knowing full well that he has pink and blue in his future and that Hux is going to be so disappointed in him, but Finn comes first. Finn is first and Finn is real. Poe storms back into Oscar’s cell, trying his best not to think anymore. He can’t risk that fear and pull to Hux. To the Dark Side.

“There are two troopers at the end of this hall and maybe ten more total in full guard. I don’t have a blaster.” He moves forwards and releases Oscar from the chair. “They didn’t work you over too hard, did they?”

Oscar smiles and it’s like looking in a mirror. “Let’s get you guys out of here.”

Poe walks into the hall and towards the end of the wing, approaching the troopers. “You are relieved, the new prisoner is dead.”

“Sir, General…” one of them replies.

“You care to question the orders of your Captain?”

Both troopers turn to leave when Poe body-checks one into the wall, taking his blaster in the fall. He swings around and shoots the second before they even hit the ground, his aim shockingly on point. Poe turns to take out the one on floor next to him and reaches instantly for the second blaster. He scrambles to his feet and runs full-tilt towards Oscar, who takes the second blaster and begins shooting cover fire at the ten other troopers at the end of the hall, who begin moving towards them. Wordlessly, Poe makes his way down the hall, taking cover behind pillars and shooting to get closer and closer to his friends. They take out four of the troopers almost instantly, levelling the odds much more in their favor. But the remaining six start to hide behind pillars to conserve their numbers. Of course Poe knows it’s a matter of time before more arrive and two men—one of which was beaten pretty badly—can’t take on much more. They need Chewbacca and Finn.

“COVER ME” Poe shouts to Oscar, shooting and running his way to the nearest cell, taking out one more trooper. As he opens the door and practically falls in, he feels a blaster hit in his right side. He falls to the floor screaming in pain.

He looks down to see his side covered in blood, the red seeping into the grey fabric of his suit. His Captain’s suit. Hux is going to be so displeased. He’s going to inject him with blue and pink. He’s going to choke him and beat him. He’s going to shove his fingers into his blaster wound until he passes out. He’ll play screams again. He’ll make him watch. He won’t reward him. He won’t love him anymore. He starts to cry, big racking sobs.

He has failed.

Poe, stand up.

He looks up to see Chewbacca strapped into a chair. “Chew…”

Stand up Poe. Shed the Dark Side that cloaks you. I can see it. It’s not you. It’s weak and wavering. You can push through this.

“I can’t…Hux is going…I am the Captain…”

You have to. Stand up Poe. You let me free and I will help you. Stand up.

Poe cries. “No, there are still five and…” he hisses through the pain. “more coming.”

Stand up.

“Please…Chewbacca…”

STAND UP POE.

Poe looks back up at his old friend and sees himself as a child, curled up in his warm soft lap. He pushes his hands under him and manages to get to his feet, almost slipping in the slick small puddle of his own blood. He stumbles over to Chewbacca and releases him. He hands Chewbacca the blaster before falling into his arms.

“Oscar is out there,” Poe says. “We have to find Finn and get to the Falcon before Hux gets here.”

Chewie nods. Poe, can you stand?

Poe nods, getting on his own feet, shakily. “Let’s go.”

They go back into the doorway and Chewie lays down more cover fire. Poe runs across the hall and towards a downed trooper, grabbing his blaster before practically collapsing behind the pillar. He turns to see Oscar laying on the ground, head bleeding. Dead. Fuck, it’s just him and Chewbacca and he’s almost down for the count, his whole body is weak and tired from the blaster wound. Poe looks around, seeing they are down to two troopers. They can do this. He nods across the hall at Chewie and makes a run to the last door, barely getting through this one before he again falls to the ground. This time out of weakness and pain and blood loss. He doesn’t have time to bleed out, he pushes off the ground and stands, turning to face the chair in the room.

“Finn,” Poe pants.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would anyone like to draw some art for this fic? Maybe a cover? I'd love you forever.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A confrontation leaves Poe having to choose between the Dark Side and the Light Side.

“Finn,” Poe pants.

“What…” Finn pants, clearly breathless with shock. “What are you…”

“I’m here to rescue you,” Poe smiles, moving towards him. He reaches over to undo Finn’s wrists, pausing when he gets to the second one. “You need a pilot.”

Finn’s eyes fill with tears and he opens his mouth to speak but his gaze darts behind Poe. “Poe…”

Poe doesn’t get a chance to turn around, he just feels a blow to his back knock him forward into Finn and just as quickly grab his suit and hurl him backwards on the floor. His blaster clamors to the ground and slides across the room. Poe tries to bring the air back to his lungs but he’s not fast enough. General Hux is kicking him with his black boots. He manages to get himself wrapped up just enough to take most off the blows to his back and sides, but Hux decides he wants blood. He gets on top of him and straddles him, pinning his arms above his head.

“You betrayed me,” Hux spits. “I showed you love and this is what you do to me?”

“FUCK YOU!” Poe yells, attempting to struggle and breathe and look over to Finn to see if he’s okay. He’s okay, fumbling with the second restraint but unable to get it undone with just one hand.

“Don’t you see what these Resistance scum are doing to you, my love?” Hux’s hair falls loose and dips into his eyes, the sweat from the struggle having diluted the pomade he uses every morning. “They tricked you into thinking you are one of them.”

“I am,” Poe replies. “I was always one of them. The signal that came through was for me. Black Leader Do You Copy. They came for me.”

“And now they are all dead,” Hux replies, leaning in close. “You can still end this, Poe.”

“The only way this ends is with you dead.”

Hux drives his fist into Poe’s blaster wound so hard that Poe loses his vision. Everything turns into a bright white and the pain coursing through his body is unlike any he has ever felt before. He can’t scream or move or cry. He can hear Finn screaming and as his vision returns he sees a syringe of blue come from Hux’s pocket and a needle dive into his neck but he’s in too much shock to stop it from happening.

“You know this could kill you,” Hux says. “You’ve lost a lot of blood and what little you have left is going to be diverted to other areas. You’ll be too weak to run.”

Poe feels the familiar lust creep into his bones and he screams. Hux is right, he’s too weak. He tries to fight back but Hux can so easily subdue him. He struggles against him as his licks and bites his neck, hard enough that he can tell the skin is being broken. Hux practically rips Poe’s pants open and touches him, softly, fabric rustling around them. It’s obscene and touching.

“That’s it, my love,” Hux says. “You are mine. We will rule the galaxy together. We can continue your training. I should not have asked so much of you, you weren’t ready. It’s my fault, my love.”

Poe breathes, in and out. He closes his eyes and tries to float away, but he keeps remembering all the sweet kisses and touches that Hux gave him. The nights he fell asleep next to him. All the times he told him of his love and devotion. It fills Poe with this horrible mix of regret and fear. He knows this isn’t right, he doesn’t want to be in the First Order. There is something so deep in his body that responds to Hux now. He feels terrible for what he did, he wants to beg for mercy and forgiveness like his life depends on it. Even with Finn in the room, watching and screaming and trying to free himself, he still wants to beg for Hux’s love back. But he won’t. He wants, his entire body wants, but his mind is strong. He won’t.

_…He told me about how you met and the jacket. He told me about your books and your music. Finn talked about you with a reverence I’ve never seen before…_

Poe opens his eyes and looks up at Finn, who has managed to just finish freeing his wrist and is working on his ankles. He meets Finn’s eyes and Finn nods as if to say that he knows Poe has a plan. Poe does have a plan. He turns from Finn and looks up at Hux.

“I’m yours,” Poe says. “All of me.”

Hux stops his assault on Poe and brings a hand up to his face, cupping it gently. “There’s my Poe.”

“Please,” Poe begs. “I love you. I am weak, I am small. I let them get into my head. I need you to keep me strong. I am your Captain and I want to lead your army. Forever.”

Poe feels Hux’s grip loosen, so he brings one hand to Hux’s face and the other to his chest, holding him there. He pulls Hux to him for another crushing kiss, trying to make it so powerful and deep that Hux cannot question his motives. The sensation of Hux grinding into him and kissing him fights into his brain for control. It fights so hard that he can practically feel Hux reaching into his body and wrapping himself around his heart and crushing him and it would be so easy to give in.

Hux is pulled away from him by Finn. He watches as Finn starts punching and kicking the General, who begins fighting back with an angry strength. Each blow seems to hit Finn like a bantha. Poe pants and trembles, his body missing Hux’s touches while his mind screams to help. He has to help. The blaster. Poe rolls over onto his stomach and sees the blaster across the room. He tries to stand up but he’s too weak from the loss of blood, so he crawls. He can hear Finn and Hux grunting and hitting and slamming into the walls and floor, but he doesn’t dare turn back. He makes it all the way over to the blaster and is just about to reach for it when the entire ship shakes and a roar tears through. An alarm begins to start and the room blinks red and black.

“This is where I leave you,” Hux pants, punching Finn one last time, turning to Poe. “You have one last chance, my Poe. My captain.” He turns to hold out a hand. But he eyes the blaster in his hand and begins to move away.

Poe grabs the blaster and aims to fire, missing Hux as he ducks out the door and hitting the frame instead, sparks flying through the mix of red and darkness. Finn rushes to Poe’s side, clearly panting and weak. He has a huge gash on his head and his lip is split open.

“POE! Poe, we have to get to the Falcon. Where’s Chewie?”

Poe shakes his head, trying hard to answer. His body hurts and it aches for Hux to return. “I don’t know. I shouldn’t have shot at him.”

“Chewie? What did you do?”Finn grabs Poe and wraps his arm around his shoulders, hoisting him up. Finn stumbles but he manages to get them both into the hallway. “Poe, stay with me buddy, stay with me…” Finn says, voice shaking. “Which way to the Falcon?”

“Rig..right…” Poe says. “Hux. I shhotttt Hux.”

“STAY WITH ME!” Finn yells, falling to the ground and taking Poe down with him.

Poe closes his eyes, ready for the end to come. Instead he feels big warm fuzzy arms lifting him up. He hears Finn shouting to run. He sees red and black and Chewbacca and Finn and the Falcon come into view. Finn shoots at a few remaining troopers. Where did he get a blaster? He sees the inside of the Falcon and feels himself being set down in the co-pilot’s chair.

Poe stay with us, we need you to fly, Chewie says, frantically hitting switches and roaring the ship to life.

He sits up and looks at Chewie. There is no fucking way he can do this, but he doesn’t have that choice. He takes the controls and wills himself to keep an eye on his instruments. Chewie launches the ship and somewhere behind him BB-8 starts chittering. Poe puts on his headset and hears Finn’s voice come through.

Finn’s voice, Poe smiles. Finn’s.

~

Captain Poe Dameron walks through the halls of the ship, boots clicking on the ground. He gets to the bridge and his officers pause to await his command. His suit is freshly pressed and his hair is perfectly styled. He woke early and spent extra time on this. He wanted to look his best today. Of all days.

“Are the troops assembled?”

He turns to see General Hux approach alongside Kylo Ren. Poe nods, locking eyes with his Hux. “Yes, General. They should be making landfall in a matter of minutes.”

“Is the rest of the plan in effect?” Hux asks, turning to look out into the stars. TIE Fighters scream past as they fly towards the surface of D’Qar.

“Good,” breathes Kylo Ren, joining Hux at the observation window. “It’s only a matter of time before the rest of the Resistance is dead.

Poe’s hand is steady and sure, his resolve absolute as he walks up behind Kylo Ren and stabs him in the back with a lightsaber. He smiles as Kylo Ren drops to the ground. Kylo grunts and claws in the air, trying to fight for life. Poe steps up next to Hux, who wraps an arm around him. Hux leans down and kisses him so hard his lips are going to bruise.

“Good job,” Hux purrs into him.

“Now you can rule the galaxy,” Poe replies.

“I need to watch you finish him.”

Poe parts from Hux long enough to approach Kylo Ren on the floor. He’s still alive, but barely. Poe kneels down next to him. “Hello, Ben. Remember me? I could have ruled with you. I could have been by your side. I would have done anything for you, followed you to the end of the galaxy, and you left me behind.” He removes Kylo’s mask.

“Poe, don’t,” Finn pleads, bleeding on the floor in Kylo Ren’s robes.

“Finish him,” Hu says. “Destroy the last of your past and come join me.”

“General,” Poe pleads. “I can’t.”

“You put yourself here, this is all your doing,” Hux says with a deep growl under his words. He kneels next to Poe and touches his back gently. “That’s why Finn is laying here on the floor now, ready. That’s why you ended up here, in the First Order. Now it’s time to kill all of it. Leave it all behind and come with me.”

Poe looks back down at Finn, seeing him laying there in his father’s jacket.

He looks back at Hux, who is now standing before him, holding his hand out. “Kill him.”

~

“BEN!”

Poe wakes up screaming and sweating in his room on the Falcon. No, no he can’t be here. He should be in his quarters on the Destroyer, with Hux. Why is he here? Did he get taken by the Resistance? He sits up and feels a shooting pain in his side. He body is shaking and his head is throbbing. His uniform is gone and replaced with white medical bay clothes. What have they done to him?

He looks up when his door hisses open to see a frantic Finn stumble into the room. “Are you okay?”

That’s when he remembers. He helped Finn and Chewie escape the Destroyer and Hux got away. Poe bites his top lip to stop his mouth from trembling and nods in affirmation.

“I…” Finn looks like he’s going to move into the room but stops. “Do you know who you are?”

“I’m Commander Poe Dameron of the Resistance,” Poe manages to say, his chest tightening. “I’m Poe.”

Finn nods, a tight line on his face. “BB-8 is guarding the entrance and Chewbacca has left for supplies.”

“Where are we?”

“Nar Shaddaa.”

Poe nods. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Finn shifts in the doorway. “I feel like I got beat up for a week, but I’m fine.”

“I heard your screams,” Poe almost whispers. “I heard them all. For days. You…”

“Don’t think about that, Poe. Reconditioning…I think you got more than I ever did. Chewbacca says you could be dangerous, like your brain could still…that you might do something you don’t mean to do. He said I shouldn’t come in here but I had to see if you were okay.”

“No,” Poe hangs his head. “I won’t hurt you. Never again.”

Finn nods. “Where you really the Captain?”

“What?”

“In your sleep, you would talk about being the Captain.”

“Yes,” Poe sighs, feeling his body flush with regret. Regret at betraying Hux and shame for feeling the regret in the first place. “He killed Phasma and reconditioned me to take her place.”

“Did you?” Finn asks, staring Poe directly in the eyes.

He nods. “Yes.” He could explain that he was trying to fake it but he was almost there, he could have just as easily killed Finn as he did rescue him and it wouldn’t have mattered to him. But he can’t say that, he knows that he has to keep his cards close to his chest should the worst happen.

“I’m going to lock you in here until Chewbacca returns.” Finn turns and leaves, sealing the door to the room behind him.

Poe manages to stand up and pace the room for about two hours. His side hurts and blood seeps through the bandage around his torso but it’s not a problem. The pain distracts him from having to think about the war going on in his head. He doesn’t want to think about his world being torn apart, he can’t do it. Right now all he is is a man pacing a room on a starship. But even that mentality only lasts about an hour. He starts looking through the room, trying to find anything he could use as a weapon should he have to take over the ship. If Chewie and Finn ask him to do something to hurt Hux…

The door finally hisses open and Chewie enters, carrying a canteen of water and a medical kit. Behind him rolls in BB-8, who can’t stop beeping about how happy he is to see Poe and how he was worried when Poe didn’t come back so he called for help. Poe bites the inside of his cheek to suppress the urge to kick the droid and instead smiles and nods.

“You did good, BB.”

Chewie motions for Poe to sit so he does. You need to rest, Chewie says. You’ve opened your wound. I restocked on supplies for the trip back to D’Qar.

Good. Now he knows where the base is. Poe recoils at the thought in his head. He has to stop letting his mind think that way, letting his mind think of his friends as the enemies. General Hux tortured him all because he wanted his intelligence on the Resistance. He has to stop thinking it was real. Even if it started to feel that way. He lets Chewie begin to clean his wounds, hissing at the pain. He looks down to see a huge chunk of his flesh gone, charred around the edges. It could have killed him had it hit a few inches closer to the stomach, he thinks. But the General probably ordered them not to kill him, he wouldn’t want to let that fall to such a lower level staff.

Poe, you are so dark. Black. I see the same in you that I saw in Kylo Ren on the Starkiller Base. What did they do to you?

“My name is Commander Poe Dameron with the Resistance,” he says softly, chanting it over and over again. Maybe if he says it enough he’ll forget what Hux’s mouth tasted like.

Chewie lets him, that’s the strange part. Chewie doesn’t try to convince him or talk to him, but continues to clean his wounds and re-dress him. Once finished, Chewie pulls a syringe of clear liquid out of the medical kit and raises it up to Poe.

Poe’s body starts to tremble, the familiar heat rushing through to pool in his gut. “No, no pink. Not from you. Only Hux gives me the pink when I’ve disobeyed him.”

_“I’m yours, all of me. I am your Captain and I want to lead your army. Forever.”_

Poe swings at Chewie’s hand, knocking the syringe from it. He pushes past him and grabs it off the ground, stabbing Chewie in the leg with the needle and draining its contents into his flesh. Hoping it’s enough to keep a Wookie down, Poe runs out of the room, still holding the needle as the only weapon he has. He stumbles down the hall and towards the cockpit because he has to turn this ship around and go find Hux.

“Poe, stop.” Finn steps in front of him, hands up in a defensive stance. “Whatever you think you are doing, you need to stop. This isn’t you.”

“Get out of my way, scum,” Poe snarls. “I’m going to have so much fun killing you, destroying you for my General.”

“Poe,” Finn’s lip trembles. “I lo…”

Poe feels a big fuzzy arm grab him from behind and the sharp sting of a needle in his neck.

 

 

 


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe starts to heal, but when he learns more about what was really happening with the mission to Nar Shaddaa, it threatens everything.

Poe fucking hates all of this. He has spent nearly two weeks on this fucking ship chained to his damned bed except to use the fresher and toilet under the armed guard of Chewbacca. He can’t blame Chewie either, he practically tried to kill him with what ended up being antibiotics. He threatened Finn. The replay of what happened has been running through his head for two weeks, torturing him and keeping him up at night.

_“Get out of my way, scum. I’m going to have so much fun killing you, destroying you for my General.”_

Commander Poe Dameron knows that General Hux reconditioned him. He knows it wasn’t real. He knows that when Chewie comes into his room to dress his bandage that the syringe is full of medicine and not pink or blue. But he understands why Chewie cuffs him anyway because each time that needle comes out his whole body shakes with fear and arousal and enough anger to make him scream the entire time. He can’t help it and he can’t stop it. He knows now why he was so eager to cave it, it was so much easier than trying to fight it. In his dreams, he no longer fights. In his dreams he watches himself kill Finn and Chewie a million different ways. He watches himself storm the base and take out his friends. He watches himself capture and torture Leia so that Hux can kill her in front of Kylo Ren. He watches Ren turn into Ben and die over and over.

He also knows why Finn hasn’t come to see him since he threatened to kill him. Finn is scared of him. He hears Finn cry out from nightmares at night, his screams so fucking familiar ripping through the silent ship. They wake him up and he grows instantly hard and heavy with that artificial lust his body was conditioned to feel. Every time he hears those screams his body flushes with a heat that makes his heart ache and stomach twist. Most of the time he doesn’t pleasure himself, most of the time he can abstain. On the nights he can’t, he gets off fast, instantly throwing up whatever is still in his stomach from dinner.

On some nights Finn wakes up screaming more than once. Some nights he calls out for Poe. He hears Chewie’s big feet pad down the hall to Finn’s room and pictures him holding Finn in his warm arms until he falls back asleep. Poe wishes it was him, atoning for everything, but that he is the last person Finn needs to see. It doesn’t stop him from screaming back for Finn, telling him that he’s right here for him. Telling him that everything is going to be okay and that he will be okay. What he didn’t yell back were the thoughts of Finn being a weak traitor. Those things that he can still hear Hux whisper in his ear as they lay in bed. Sometimes he wanted to hurt Finn and the thought alone made him want to slit his own wrists.

One night Poe is lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling of his room and wondering if he could just think himself to death when his door hisses open and Finn is standing there, staring at the ground. His shoulders are slumped and his face is dull. He’s thinner than Poe remembers, a lot thinner. His muscular arms are starting to waste away, his cheeks hollowing.

“Hey Poe,” he says quietly.

“Hey.” Poe can’t think of anything to say, there is nothing to say. He looks down at his hands next to him.

“Chewie is asleep.”

Poe nods. “Okay.”

“We will reach D’Qar in about fifteen hours.”

“That close.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m fine, if that’s why you came in here.”

“I know.”

“I’m better.”

“That’s what Chewie says.”

“Are you better?”

“Not really.”

“I hear you at night. Your screams. Nightmares?”

“Yes.”

“How did we get off that ship?”

“After you let him go, Chewie set off an explosion in their medical bay.”

“Did he tell you about the team he had spying on us?”

“He did. He told me about his real mission too.”

“He was looking for Kylo Ren.”

“Apparently General Organa didn’t want us to help. Our mission was just a cover.”

“A cover?”

“Finding defectors. It was just a cover to distract First Order intelligence from Chewie’s real mission. We were sent to Nar Shaddaa so that Chewie could trace some leads on Leader Snoke’s whereabouts. She thinks after Starkiller was destroyed that Kylo Ren was summoned there.”

“What the fuck.”

“That’s pretty much what I said.”

“Did Chewie get anything?”

“What?”

“Did Chewie get anything on Kylo Ren?”

“No. He said no.”

“This was all for fucking nothing?”

“Apparently.”

“I was fucking making it work…” Poe trails off. “I was getting better.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Before we left. I was getting my shit together. I was going to stop drinking and…well fuck that doesn’t matter anymore.”

“I know what happened to you wasn’t your fault.”

“It was. I wasn’t strong enough.”

“Please don’t do that, Poe. Don’t do that to us.”

“So what are you going to do?” Poe steals his jaw, not letting Finn talk him down from the ledge in his mind. _Us._

Finn finally looks up at him, his eyes still holding a tiny bit of shine to them. “I’m going to figure out how the fuck to sleep at night.”

“I’m sorry.” Poe doesn’t even care, he lets himself cry in front of Finn. He feels the tears roll down his face and instantly regrets them. It’s his fucking fault, he doesn’t get to fucking cry. He doesn’t deserve them.

“Get some sleep. I’m sure General Organa will want to debrief us when we return.”

Finn leaves, locking the door behind him.

~

Poe knows they have landed when he sees Leia and several guards open the door to his room. She looks at him with a worried expression and Poe can’t help but think ‘yeah, be worried’. Chewie hands a security guard a key and the man moves to unshackle Poe. He holds his hands up to be cuffed dutifully. He knows he’s being taken to the brig until they can figure out where Poe’s head is at. Which is an entirely good question.

“Poe, you understand. Chewie told me…”

“Yeah, I understand. Chewie told me a few things too. Like about his real mission.”

“That’s classified, we can talk later in private.”

“YOU SENT ME AND FINN OFF TO FUCKING DIE!” he screams, kicking and trying to get out of the grasp of the security detail. “YOU LIED TO ME JUST LIKE YOU DID WITH BEN AND NOW FINN IS DESTROYED.”

Poe keeps yelling his litany of insults and tirades as he’s dragged onto the tarmac. He kicks and screams at her even though he can’t see her. He sees Snap run up to him but the guards push him back. He sees Jessica and Kare all standing there staring at him. Finn is standing next to Jessica, clutching her arm like he’ll fall down if he doesn’t. He sees the parked X-Wings in the distance and it all comes flooding into his head. He was betrayed. The last fourteen years he was lied to. Lied to about Ben and the truth of the First Order. His entire career flying with the Resistance was a lie. They were the ones who reconditioned him. Leia was the one who destroyed him.

He kicks and screams, threatening to kill them all in the name of the First Order. He will destroy the Resistance and leave them burning. He pledges his allegiance to Leader Snoke and Hux and even Kylo Ren. He is still screaming as someone comes at him with a syringe and he just can’t fight them off fast enough.

~

He feels her throat under his hands and squeezes. She screams. He leans in closer, smelling the small gasps that escape her lips. He lets go.

“Why, please…” she pleads, gasping for breath again. She reaches up for him but he bats her pathetic hands away.

“You lied.”

“I needed you.”

“He told me you would do this.”

“He broke you.”

He grabs her neck again and squeezes, much harder this time. He wants to hear her throat break, her gurgle. He wants to feel her pulse fade until it’s gone.

“Poe Dameron.”

He stops and turns to see Kylo Ren standing before him, in his mask and robes. He lets her go and stands in front of the Knight.

“Ben, it’s me.” He says. “Don’t you remember?”

“My son…” Leia, the woman, pants, laying on the floor barely able to lift her head.

“You were always meant for this,” Kylo Ren takes off his mask, revealing his pale skin and raven hair.

“For you?” Poe shakes his head. “General Hux…”

“Hux was going to turn you against me, Poe.” Ben reaches out and cups Poe’s face in his hands. “I could show you the ways of the Force.”

“I don’t have it,” Poe whispers.

Ben smiles. “Are you so sure?”

Poe tilts his head up and lets Ben kiss him softly. “Ben, I don’t belong to you.”

“No, not to me. Not to Hux.”

“You know?”

Ben nods. “You belong to you, Poe. I only borrowed you and used you.”

“Why are you not mad?”

“Because I still love you. No matter what happened, I always carried that inside me. Somewhere.”

“Why did you torture me?” Poe feels water begin to seep up over his boots and legs, drowning the room.

“Why did you let me?” Ben steps back, sloshing through the water. “You have to save her, Poe. Save my mother. Save Finn. Save yourself.”

Poe turns around, searching the waves for Leia, but she’s already gone.

~

“Leave us.”

Poe blinks his eyes open to see General Organa seated on a metal chair across the room. He’s in a cell, one of those old ones with bars. His hands and ankles are shackled with chains leading to the wall behind him. He sighs.

“What are you going to do with me?”

“I’m going to save you.” Leia says, staring into Poe so hard he can feel her eyes searching him. “Somewhere inside you, you know this isn’t you. You know what they did to you.”

“Do you have any idea what happened?” Poe looks down at his bare feet, covered in dirt from the cell floor.

She shakes her head. “Finn hasn’t said a word since you landed. To anyone. Chewie told me you were intercepted by the First Order and sent to reconditioning and that by the way you react to needles that it did a number on you.”

“You sent us there on a false mission.” He rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling. Just as dark and dirty as the floor. “Why couldn’t you…”

“We needed Finn to be keeping an eye out for defectors. The more he would find, the closer Ben would be.”

“Kylo Ren.” Poe says with a soft indignation not lost at all on Leia.

“Chewie made sure to enlist some of our Resistance troops to guard you both, make sure nothing happened. I don’t know what went wrong.”

“Oh, I’ll tell you. I hurt the last person I wanted to because I…” he bites his upper lip, “I couldn’t. I couldn’t unburden myself. I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t let go of the lie about Ben, or losing him in the first place. I don’t know how. So he ended up tortured by the First Order. Again.”

“You failed your mission, Commander. I know how you hate to fail.”

“Fuck the mission, I failed you and your sad pathetic little attempt to save your son.” Poe snickers. “That’s what this was all about, saving Ben Solo. You can can’t bring Han back and you can’t save him. I was dealing with it, Leia. After I was told that Ben died, I took it rough, but I grew up and was dealing with losing him.” Poe laughs at the absurdity of it all. “I loved him.”

“We all love him.”

Poe rolls his eyes. “I was in love with him. We would talk about him leaving the Jedi and we’d run away together. But instead he stayed with Luke fucking Skywalker because he didn’t want to disappoint you. You do realize the whole reason Snoke even got his claws into him was because you sent him away, right? If he would have stayed, I could have loved him enough to keep him from turning.”

“I sent him away because I thought if anyone could prevent him from turning, it would be my brother.” She hangs her head, staring at the ground. “You know the stories about Alderaan.”

“Yeah. You seem to destroy a lot of people, Leia.”

“Don’t you get it, Poe?” She stands, fuming. “This is bigger than saving my son. This is the entire galaxy. While you were gone we took in another hundred refugees. We can barely feed them all. Many of them lost entire families. They don’t even have a picture of the people they lost. They have nothing and it’s all my…” she gasps. “All my fault. And I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life. I shouldn’t have lied about Ben, especially to you. I was hoping he’d come to his senses and leave the Jedi for you.” She shakes her head. “But he was never as strong as Luke. We all thought he could be but he wasn’t. He had too much of his father in him. Han was always so loyal, almost blindly. He met my brother and went off chasing the galaxy and the Empire to save me for the payday. Maybe Han genuinely loved me, but he was always so eager and desperate. For what, I don’t really know. But that’s where Ben got it from. Desperation, drive and the Force. He was doomed the moment I found out I was carrying him inside me.”

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?”

Leia shakes her head. “No.”

“Am I supposed to forgive you?”

“Maybe someday I’ll deserve that. But we need to save the galaxy. I need you for that.”

He swallows. “I want to kill you. My cells keep screaming at me to kill you and bring your body back to the First Order. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep these thoughts away. I’m going to kill you if I can’t stop myself.”

Leia stands shaky on her feet and moves towards the door. “We’ve found someone who has dealt with prisoners of war. Until she says so, you stay here as you are. But please know that I love you, Poe.”

He doesn’t say a word to her as she leaves. He swallows the lump in his throat instead because even after everything, after all was said and done, she was a mother to him and he loved her so much it hurt. That devotion can’t be marred by lies. It’s a disgusting and troubling thought that no matter what those he loves—truly loves—do to him, he will always love them.

Poe closes his eyes and waits.

 

 

 

 


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The person sent to help Poe recover from his reconditioning sheds light on his past.

He wakes up the next morning on a small mattress and with fresh bandages. He doesn’t remember being knocked out, but knowing his relationship with needles they probably drugged his food so they could patch him up. He’s still chained by his ankles but his hands are free. He rolls off his side and onto his back, staring at the dirty ceiling. He oscillates between guilt and anger, thinking about his conversation with Leia. He knows he loves her, like a mother. That’s why everything she has said and done has hurt him so much. She is brave in her selflessness to save the galaxy, but cowardly in her ability to see what she is doing. She has given up everything and everyone and she’s scared because she’s losing Poe too. It’s pathetic and upsetting and he doesn’t like any of it.

He doesn’t open his eyes when the door creaks open and he hears boots on the ground. “Leia…”

“You are so full of your own self to think she’s coming back in here. At least right now.”

Poe turns his head and opens his eyes to see a short, orange alien with huge goggles sitting down on the floor just out of his reach. “Who are you?”

“I am Maz Katana,” she bows her head. “I used to own the pile of rubble on Takodana.”

“You are the one sent in here to fix me?” He stares back at the ceiling and laughs. “This is some sort of joke.”

“I know a thing or two about the games the galaxy can play on a man. You, Poe Dameron, have the eyes of a man too hurt to live, but too important to die.”

“Fuck off.” He wants to hate her but the way she says his name is so…soft. Like a grandmother. He feels soothed by her and he wants to take it back.

“From what the General spoke of, you are truly the savior of the Resistance. The best pilot in the galaxy. Your reputation precedes you. Pressure?” She laughs. “Ha! Only a little. How unfair it is.”

“If you think telling me what I want to hear…”

“I think you want me to listen.” She closes her eyes. “That’s what I hear. That and I see a face. No, two faces. A young dark-haired boy in Jedi robes. Another, that scared boy, the one with your father’s jacket.”

“Finn?” Poe sits up. “You spoke to Finn?”

“I didn’t have to, I can see him in your mind. He’s surrounded by so much light inside of you. What do you think you are protecting him from?”

“How can you see…”

She taps on her goggles. “I see a lot. What do you think you are protecting him from?”

He swallows. “Myself.”

“Ha! Do you really think you are that terrible?” She rolls her eyes. “Of course now you are clouded in darkness, but before you were just a confused little boy. You had a crush and never got over it.”

“Ben was more than a crush.”

She scoffs. “You were children. The love you had for him wasn’t based on anything more than energy you both shared. It wasn’t real. Not the way you and the boy in the jacket are real.”

“How the fuck do you know any of this?”

“This intense connection to Ben Solo that I see inside you is weak. You hold onto Ben Solo like he’s a rope and you are falling over the side of a mountain. But those ropes are snapping and you see them. You try to tie them together because you don’t think you can climb up on your own.”

“Is this some pathetic form of brainwashing? At least the First Order used drugs and torture.”

“I’m not talking about the First Order.”

“That is why you are here, though. To fix my head.” He taps on his skull. “Because General Leia Organa needs me to fight for her.”

“You only broke to the will of the First Order because you were already weak. Damaged goods. You can’t begin to fix what they did until you fix what you did to yourself long before they ever captured you. You use your pain like a shield. I have seen many do the same. It never ends well, because pain isn’t the source of strength. Pain is what makes you weak. Pain is what ultimately destroyed Anakin Skywalker. Pain is what will destroy you, if you let it.”

“Darth Vader was strong,” Poe counters. “He nearly controlled the galaxy.”

“That type of control never lasts, because it’s weak. It’s hot and furious but it always burns out. Too easily smothered by feet or water.”

Chewing on the inside of his cheek for a moment, he studies her face. “If pain isn’t the source of strength, then what is?”

“Hope.” She moves to the door. “We will talk more tomorrow.”

~

“FINN!”

He’s on the surface of Jakku, the sun hot and bright in the sky. He feels a presence behind him calling out to him, screaming in anger. So he keeps running. He sees Finn up ahead, peeling off pieces of his Stormtrooper uniform and armor until he only has Poe’s jacket to shield him from the sun.

Poe keeps running but it seems to take forever to catch up. When he finally grabs Finn, he turns him around and holds him close. “I’m right here, Finn.”

“I thought you died,” Finn pants in his ear. “I saw the TIE fighter sink…”

“I ejected, I got out. I did it and I found you.” He pushes Finn away so they can look in each other’s eyes. “I’m right here.”

Finn smiles. “You came back. I knew you would. They all told me that you were gone for good, that the First Order got you.”

“I’m right here.”

When Poe leans in to kiss Finn, the scenery fades away. Finn is gone and so is the sand and the sun. He’s back home, in the garden of his childhood home on Yavin-4. He sees the back of his house in the twilight of the setting suns, but the lights are off. Nobody is home.

“You know it to be true.”

He turns to see himself standing in front of his mother’s Force Sensitive tree. He is wearing Jedi robes with his hands clasped in front of him. “Know what?”

“I am but one interpretation of what you could have been, Poe.” His double approaches him and lays his hands on his shoulders. “I am the light inside of you. I’m still there.”

“I don’t understand.”

“The energy between you and Ben. The energy between you and Finn. It’s the light.” The double smiles. “You could have been me.”

He shakes his head. “I’m no Jedi.”

“Are you sure about that?” The double removes his hands from Poe’s shoulders and begins walking around the garden, Poe quickly keeping pace. “You could have been me. You could have followed Ben Solo into the darkness. You could have become a pilot for the Resistance. You could have fought General Hux and won or lost.”

“I fought and lost.”

The double shakes his head. “You won. You escaped. You had just enough light to burst through. But you let your pain get in the way.”

“My pain?”

“Here,” the double turns and hands him a nail and hammer. “Fix the cracks so that the darkness can’t get back in.”

“I don’t…” he looks down at his chest to see it cracked open, a dark swirl teasing at the entrance. He places the nail and strikes it with the hammer over and over until the darkness fades and the crack seals.

“You need more nails, Poe.” His Jedi self smiles. “In time.”

~

“What did you mean by the energy that Ben and I shared?” are the first words out of Poe’s mouth when Maz returns the next day, just after lunch.

“Right to the point,” Maz enters the cell and motions to the guard. “Unchain him.”

The guard does as he is told and leaves the cell, locking Maz inside with Poe.

“Thanks,” he says, rubbing his ankles and wrists alternately. “Aren’t you afraid? I could kill you.”

Maz laughs. “Not any more than I you. Or either of us a fly. You have no intent to kill anyone on this base, Poe Dameron. Now,” she approaches him and sits on the floor. “What was it you were asking?”

“What did you mean by the energy that Ben and I shared? I don’t understand.”

“You were searching yourself all night for the answer,” she nods. “Good. That’s what you need to do. Search yourself for the answers. I’m just a little old woman.”

“You’re a Jedi, or Force Sensitive, or…”

She holds up a hand. “Many have called me many things over the years. There was a time I trained with the Jedi, yes, but it was not a path I wished to travel. But I can see the Force in others.”

“Energy we shared, was Ben…was I…am I Force sensitive?”

She squints. “I believe you to be so. But you never had training or support. It became a source of perseveration. So when you met Ben Solo, that part of you was pulled to him. When that link was severed by his betrayal, it became weak and vulnerable. It was only a matter of time before you would succumb to that pain. Let me guess, you drink?” He nods. “Gamble?” He shakes his head. “Drugs? Pills?” He nods. “Sex?”

Poe looks to the ground. “Too much with all the wrong people.”

“Are you blushing Poe?” She stands and approaches Poe, putting a small hand to his chin and lifting his face to meet hers. “There is so much light inside of you. It’s so bright it almost hurts to look at it. I can see why you don’t try, it’s easier to stare into the blackness.”

“Help me find it, the light,” he says. “I don’t like this pain.”

“You have hope now, that’s your first step. Harness that hope.” She drops his chin. “Now, all of your character flaws stem from your damaged goods. First, we fix that. Once you are strong enough to hope, truly hope, you can keep fighting. As long as there is light, there is hope. Finn is your map to the light now.”

“I need to see him.”

“He is resting. He is not well. I went to speak with him, as I speak with you, but he doesn’t talk back. He’s afraid of his voice, of his words.” She looks at his sideways. “He can feel your darkness.”

“Is he…”

“More so than you. Had he had the chance he could have made a fine Jedi but his conditioning took too much away. Just think of what you, Finn and the girl could do together.” She smiles and moves to the door, calling for the guard to let her out.

“When can I see him?” Poe asks.

“I will let you know when you are ready.”

~

Five days later…

“Finn won’t eat,” Jessica says from her spot outside of Poe’s cell.

“Is he okay?” Poe stands, rushing to the bars. It’s the first person besides Leia, Maz, Shubuntu or the guards to visit him since he’s been here.

“He goes to the med bay twice a day to get a nutrition line hooked up. He still isn’t talking.”

“What do you mean?”

“He hasn’t said a word to anyone since he’s been back. That orange woman visits him every day but she does all the talking.” Jessica approaches the bars and takes Poe’s hands in her own. “You have to get better so you can help him.”

“I’m trying, but Maz says I’m not ready.” Poe squeezes her hands softly. “I’m not angry. I know everything they did to me and why. Maz has them testing me every day with things that could set me off. The other day Shubuntu showed me a needle and I didn’t try to kill her. I did…” he decides not to tell Jessica about the sensations he still felt. The way his body remembered the blue and the pink and it reacted. He didn’t tell her how hard he had to work to get his brain to win the struggle each time and how it left him exhausted and sore for hours afterwards. “I could talk myself down.”

“Do you really think the General will let you back into the Resistance?”

“She doesn’t have a choice, I’m Black Leader. My entire life has been for this, she can’t kick me down.”

“Who is Ben?”

Poe swallows. “Where did you hear that name?”

“On the tarmac when you flipped out. You yelled about Ben and being lied to.”

He looks at their hands intertwined. Grounded. Flesh. Safe. “Ben was the name of one of the operatives for the General, a long time ago. One of my secret missions. I feel her orders are what got him killed. I hadn’t thought about that in ages.”

More lies allow the darkness to find the cracks. Lies are only bandages meant to hide the ugliness of your pain, Poe, he hears Maz’s words from one of their sessions repeat in his head. Sooner or later, all lies are ripped away and the weakness they covered is exposed.

“There are rumors about how the First Order reconditions its troops. I’m sure it was terrible.”

He nods, breaking contact and moving around his cell in the same oval pattern he does most of the time. “I don’t even want to tell you about it.”

“You don’t have to.” She sighs. “Finn does talk.”

“You said…”

“In his sleep. Snap and I take turns staying with him at night, he has terrible nightmares. But in his sleep, and when he wakes up screaming, he says your name.”

“I know. He did that on the Falcon on the trip back.” Poe stares at his bare feet as they pad against the cold floor.

“Do you remember the camping trip?”

He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, wow. Why?”

“Do remember that I told you that Finn made a choice and that it was up to you to see it?” He smirks. “You are so fucking dense. You didn’t. And that night before you left? Finn was freaking out about giving you that fucking book. Kare and I took him around the ship and convinced him to do it. He said that he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if you didn’t like it.”

“I love that book,” he says. “I wish I could have my books in here with me.”

“Did he kiss you?”

Poe stops walking. “What?”

“When he gave you the book, he told us he was going to kiss you. That he wanted to. Did he?”

Poe shakes his head. “No.”

“On your mission? Did he kiss you and hold your hand and tell you how much he fucking loves your stupid ass?”

“No.”

“Both of you are so fucking stupid. You know, for his sake I hope you are getting better.” She turns to leave but stops and turns back. “I’ll tell him you want him better. That you will be with him as soon as you can.”

He resumes pacing, searching for the light inside of him to project anything he can towards Finn. He has no idea if this is even working—or if Maz lied to him just to get him to figure his shit out via the placebo effect—but it’s the only thing he can do right now. It’s all he has.

“Take him the jacket and tell him I need a pilot,” Poe asks before she can leave.

Jessica Kava nods. “Copy that, Black Leader.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know some of you will think this is out of nowhere, but when you think back to Poe’s history, his ability as a pilot, and his intense connections to Finn and Ben, it makes sense. The reason I didn’t leave more breadcrumbs along the way is because I questioned several times on this plot point over the chapters but I think it still fits. It certainly will explain how Poe and Finn move forward from this point but it’s not like Poe is going to magically become a Jedi or anything.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe continues to learn the way to get back to himself, and to Finn.

Three days later…

Poe closes his eyes and takes long, slow, deep breaths. He has been practicing something he read about once called dreamwalking. He knows he doesn’t have enough light, he’s too old and untrained for too long and too damaged, but it passes the time. Dreamwalking is something that apparently Force-Sensitive people can do where they can enter another’s dreams and he’s been trying every night. He wants to talk to Finn, let him know he’s okay. Make sure Finn knows he shouldn’t be afraid of him anymore.

Maz visits every afternoon. She tells him he is too weak but he’s pretty sure she is hoping he can do it. He tries so hard. He’s been doing this for three nights and it hasn’t worked. He ends up exhausted by morning and sobbing from defeat, sleeping until Maz arrives. He doesn’t want to know about his force sensitivity, he just wants to forget about it. Maz says it’s the key to healing him wholly. He doesn’t want it. Each time Maz leads him through his own mind and energy, he fights it. He only takes as much care to hammer up his cracks but the rest of it scares him. He feels the urge to run and hide away from everything and everyone. He screams and cries out and rattles the bars on his cage. His body begs for something to drown it all out and his tongue starts to taste the bitterness of alcohol.

Snap visited him yesterday, telling him that Finn started eating a little again. He won’t talk to anyone but Maz, but Snap says that’s progress. He still has nightmares and he still yells for Finn but he’s going to get discharged out of the medical bay soon. Poe wonders if it’s working, his dreamwalking, and he just isn’t strong enough to tell. He wonders if Maz is teaching Finn how to use his sensitivity but she refuses to divulge that information. He always begs for an update and she says no. Then he usually yells at her about how she said Finn was his map to the light and then she just laughs and says he doesn’t truly understand yet.

When Poe does eventually sleep, he has his own nightmares. They range from Finn dying in his arms to Kylo Ren killing him to being back on that Destroyer under the ministrations of General Hux. Those are the ones that terrify him the most because the things that were done to him are still with him. He still feels that rush to his body when he hears someone cry out down the hall. He thinks about Hux sometimes. He thinks about the way his mouth tasted and the smell of his hair and skin. It’s this dark place his mind hovers back to. Poe wants to feel that sort of connection again. He wants to be loved and he wants to love. But he wants it to be real.

He wants to be ready for Finn.

So now he’s here, laying down for the third night in a row, taking slow and deep breaths and searching inside of him for that light and hoping it’s strong enough to blast away those nightmares, those sensations and memories, those loses, and straight to Finn. It’s terrifying to reach into himself and each moment those cracks in his mind that he’s tried so hard to heal end up vibrating and threatening to shatter.

Poe gives up, biting the inside of his cheek and opening his eyes into the darkness. His body shakes from the intensity and he’s sweating. He’s cold and hot at the same time and he wants to cry out but he feels like he was punched in the gut. He gasps for breath, rolling onto his side, and just begs his body to pass out from exhaustion.

“I’m letting you out of here.”

Poe opens his eyes to see Leia standing on the other side of the bars. He gets up and approaches the bars, leaning against them in a position that has become all too comfortable as of late. “In the middle of the night?”

“No, tomorrow morning. Poe, are you okay do you need medical?”

He shakes his head, mustering enough energy to stand. “You’re Force sensitive, right?”

She nods. “Yes. I never tried to learn to use it, not like Luke or Ben.”

“How does it feel?”

Leia approaches the bars but doesn’t put her hands up. “If this is about Ben I have thought about that every day since…”

“I’m Force sensitive.” Poe feels like the admission is private, almost dirty, but he keeps going. “Maz told me and I’ve been learning about myself.”

“Would explain a lot of things,” Leia nods. She lets a small smile form on her face, but her eyes are still so sad. “The First Order must have recognized that power. I’m just glad we could get you back before you…” she trails off.

“You aren’t surprised?” Poe questions, his body starting to settle into the now familiar ache that comes with his attempts to reach Finn.

“Your mother, she was Force sensitive,” Leia sits in the chair on the other side of the bars. “It wasn’t until after you were born that she learned of it, when Luke brought the Jedi Order back. But she was happy with her life. She chose to fly, she always said that is when she felt the most alive.”

“She never told me, my father never told me.” Poe looks down. “Was she ashamed? I know at that time there were no Jedi…”

“Your mother was the one who didn’t want to train or learn about her sensitivity. Your father tried to push her but it drove a wedge between them. That’s why they went home to be with you. Your mother hoped she could have a normal life and that would be the end of it. After she died, your father was overcome with loss. He brought you to the city because he knew he couldn’t continue alone. I think that was how she used the Force. To keep the three of you together, as long as she could. Guilty for not being around when you were young, for fighting with the Rebellion instead of raising you.”

Poe starts to feel that urge to run and hide and drink and forget. “They both supported my interest in flying…”

“Your mother probably figured that would be your outlet, same as her. Your way to use the Force that would keep you safe. She was alive during a time when the Force was dark and shameful and evil, you can imagine why she wanted to hide it.” Leia stands again, approaching the bars and reaching for Poe’s hand, which he gives. She closes her eyes. “All I could ever do was feel the presence of those I love around me. When you didn’t return from Jakku I wasn’t afraid because I knew you were still alive. But I couldn’t…I couldn’t send anyone to you because I’m not strong enough.”

“My father?”

“Your father spoke to Luke, just once, after your mother’s death. But I don’t know what they discussed. That’s a question for him, should Rey convince him to return.” Leia opens her eyes. “When you met Ben and didn’t show any other signs, Kes thought it was done with. I did respect Kes’s wishes never to discuss this aspect of your mother’s life.”

“I think I did,” Poe nearly whispers. “My connection to Ben is so intense, so deep that…maybe that’s where my strength lies. In bonds.” He doesn’t talk about Finn, that feels too private. “Maz tells me it was just my untrained sensitivity that sought out his own power, but I still question that at times. I still want to believe we had more and that it was real.”

Leia smiles. “Sometimes I think you were more connected to Ben than I ever was. I never thanked you for being there for him.”

“I failed, we all did,” Poe replies. “But there was nothing we could have done.”

He chokes on a gasp at his own words. There is nothing he could have done to save Ben. Nobody but Ben could have saved him and he clearly made a choice. Ben Solo made a choice to succumb because he was not strong enough. He let his power come from pain. But Leia and Han didn’t cause pain, and Poe didn’t cause his pain. It was something else. Someone else destroyed Ben. Just as they had tried to destroy Finn. And himself.

“This is what she wanted me to learn,” he breathes. “That it wasn’t my fault.”

“Knowing Maz that is just the first of many of her lessons. Get some sleep. Of course I’m still not going to leave you alone, you’ll have a detail. But Maz said after tonight you would be ready.”

Poe gestures for Leia to lean to the bars and he plants a kiss on her cheek. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For making all the hard decisions and choosing between the impossible all for the good of everyone else.”

A tear falls from her cheek and she leaves without a response.

~

“Dude you smell like a dead tauntaun,” Snap says, breaking a hug and grabbing Poe’s bag of books.

“Take me to see Finn,” Poe asks, padding down the hall alongside his friend and co-pilot.

“You look like shit, I’m taking you to the showers first, then you can go put on real clothes and then you can see Finn.” Snap sighs. “I think you need to slow down.”

“I need to see Finn,” Poe says again, knowing better than to push past his friend, his ‘detail’, but he really wants to. “That’s the whole point of me getting out. You all told me he kept calling out for me, that he’s not doing well. I need to be there for him.”

“Trust me, take a fucking shower. Remember what Maz said?”

Poe rolls his eyes but inside he’s trying to keep himself from just bolting to the med bay. “Listen to your friends.”

Once they reach the end of the hall and Snap pushes that door to the main corridor, Poe feels the air rush right out of him. The lights are bright, the floor is freshly cleaned and there are people everywhere. Cots line the halls, children and adults of all sorts of races and species milling about. This must be the refugees Leia mentioned. There is so much noise, so much and it floods his mind so quickly he’s afraid he’ll drown. He covers his eyes and groans, but it’s not fast enough. His heart is thumping and he feels his knees get weak.

“I got you, buddy,” Snap comes over and holds him up. “Let’s get to the showers, I made sure they are empty. I have you, just look at your feet.”

Poe grips onto Snap and does what he says, looks at his feet. It’s still bright and he can still feel so many around him. He feels tears sting his eyes and he’s overwhelmed by the need to run. But he knows Finn is so close and he needs to see him and if he runs he’ll end up right back in the brig. So he watches his feet move one in front of the other until they finally get to the shower room.

“It’s okay, you can look up now. We’re alone,” Snap says calmly.

“What is happening?” Poe asks Snap earnestly, vulnerably.

“Maz told us that you would have a hard time adjusting. She said you’ve been shut off from outside stimuli for a long time—and for good reason—that it would be hard for you. But we are all right here, okay?” Snap pats Poe’s back. “You’ll adjust. Just take it slow.”

Poe does just that and takes slow steady breaths, trying to center himself like when he’s trying to dreamwalk to Finn. In, hold, out. In, hold, out. He’s okay. He is in the shower room with Snap and he’s going to take a shower and go see Finn. He’s going to see Finn.

“I set out some clothes before I went to get you,” Snap says. “I’ll just…”

“Thanks,” Poe mutters, trying to ground himself. He stumbles towards the rack opposite the shower stall for a towel, but Snap beats him to the punch.

“Allow me,” Snap mutters, handing him the towel.

_“Allow me,” Hux says softly. Poe hears the rustle of fabric and turns to see Hux removing his clothing…_

_Hux enters the shower stall, naked and half-hard._

_“We need to shave this,” Hux says in a deep low voice. “A good Captain adheres to the dress code of the First Order.”_

_He hasn’t been touched with such care and reverence since Ben and it’s so good. There’s no fear._

_Hux leans down to kiss him and he kisses him on his lips and there is no blue making him hard and no pink making him weak and pliable. Hux means everything to him._

_He wants Hux to know how much he wants him._

Poe doesn’t realize he’s rocking on the floor, screaming, hands over his ears until two other personell rush into the room. He doesn’t want to open his eyes. “No blue, no pink, please,” he shouts, recalling control of his voice. “NO BLUE NO PINK NO PLEASE NO…”

“I’m right here, Poe,” Snap’s voice rings close to him. “I am right here and nobody is going to hurt you. Guys,” his voice dips, “he’s having some sort of flashback he’s fine. Get out of here.” Extra guards must have arrived when they heard Poe scream.

A flashback. Poe tries to slow his breathing. It was a flashback. It was a crack. He’s still cracked. “I need to see Finn,” he finds himself muttering. He grabs onto Snap’s shoulders and pulls himself into Snap’s chest.

“I’m right here, man, you’re safe,” Snap says, letting Poe breathe into his chest. “I’m right here.”

“Snap?” Poe hears Jessica’s voice enter the room.

“I don’t know, I must have said or done something,” Snap says lowly. “He keeps asking to see Finn but I don’t know if he’s ready.”

“Maz told us this would happen,” she says softly, probably thinking Poe can’t hear her. “Who is with Finn?”

“Chewie and Kare,” she says. “Snap, should we take him back to the brig?”

“Please, please,” Poe finds himself whimpering again into Snap’s chest. “I need Finn.”

“Do you want to go back to the brig?” Snap asks cautiously.

Poe shakes his head. “I need to see Finn.” He pulls away from Snap. “I can do this.”

“That’s right,” Jessica says. “You can do this. You can take a shower and change clothes and you’ll be safe.”

Poe swallows a few more breaths, trying to keep the flight response from taking over. He considers trying to call the light, but he doesn’t want to start depending on it. The light is only for dreamwalking to Finn, he doesn’t want to start letting it in. It’s too terrifying, too unknown. It’s a variable that Poe cannot afford to factor in.

Poe manages to get to the shower and bathe with no more flashbacks or attacks. He decides to keep what little beard is already forming after so many days without being allowed access to something he could shave with. He scrubs his hair and scalp nearly raw, trying to get rid of every trace of that pomade he used on the Destroyer. He moves down his body, scrubbing hard at all the parts Hux touched. Yes, he was given a bucket and towels to wipe down in the cell but now that he sees himself in this light he can see Hux’s stain on his skin. His body is mottled with yellow faded bruises, his still raw scar from the blaster hot and pink and angry. So he scrubs. His skin turns red, but he keeps scrubbing. He rubs one part of his neck—Hux’s favorite spot to suck--until blood is on the rag he’s using. He still doesn’t feel clean, but he stops and watches the blood swirl down the drain with the water.

He finally finishes, turns off the water and takes the towel offered by Snap to dry. He exits the stall and changes, accustomed to other pilots seeing him naked—in this very room. “I need to lay down,” Poe says. “I just need to gather myself before seeing Finn.”

“Sure thing,” Snap says. “You might want to watch your feet again.”

Poe nods and does exactly that, letting Snap take his left arm and lead him to their room. Once inside, Poe climbs into his familiar bed and curls up. “I just need a minute,” he says. He’s exhausted, just like when he attempts dreamwalking. But he didn’t this time, nor did he try to call on the Force within him. It was the panic attack. Something reminded him of General Hux and he lost it. He fucking lost it. He’s supposed to be with Finn right now getting him to eat and talk but instead he is here, laying in his bed, so tired that he can’t keep his eyes open.

So he lets himself drift off to sleep.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe’s dreams take a strange turn. He finally gets the chance to see Finn again.

It’s dark, BB-8’s charging light is the only thing illuminating the room. He hears the door open and sees Finn walking into the room wearing white medical clothes. He has a scanner on his wrist and a tube down his nose and tucked behind his ear. He walks over to Poe’s bed and leans down, taking his hand.

“Poe? _”_

~

Poe blinks his eyes open. Finn isn’t there. The door is closed, BB-8 is charging and Kare is sitting on Finn’s bottom bunk reading from a holoreader. Poe props himself up on his elbows. Kare notices he’s awake and turns to him, setting the reader down.

“You okay?” She asks.

Poe nods. “How long have I been asleep?”

“Snap said you fell asleep after your shower,” Kare swings her legs over the edge of Finn’s bed. “It’s about two in the morning. His shift ended at 9.”

“Why isn’t he here?”

“He decided to bunk up somewhere else when he’s not on your watch, so he can feel like he can get some real rest. It’s been tough for us,” she says softly. “Between taking turns being with Finn and worrying about you, none of us have gotten much sleep since you came back.”

“Who is with Finn?” Poe climbs out from under the covers—he doesn’t remember putting them over him—and puts his feet to the ground, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Probably Chewbacca, Jess went to sleep too.”

“I want to see Finn.” Poe stands up. “The base is quiet, I can make it through to the med bay.”

Kare shakes her head. “That’s not safe, Commander. I was debriefed on your incident today in the showers. What if something in the medical bay sets you off again? Maz warned us…”

“Fuck Maz, I need to see Finn. I’ll just stand in the doorway, but I need to see him. Just for a minute. Then I’ll come back to bed.” Poe opens the door, the bright light of the hallway intimidating but not impossible. “I’m going whether or not you come with me.”

Kare stands. “Fine, but only a minute. If you act in any way that I deem a hazard to yourself or others I will escort you back to this room until morning.”

“Understood,” he replies. Kare has been one of his long-time co-pilots, but while they were friends he never bonded with her the way he did with Jessica and Snap. He always figured Kare liked to keep people at a distance, especially those that have a habit of having jobs where death is a real possibility. He remembers she was close with a pilot a long time ago who died on a mission and she was pretty shaken up by it. The most he’s ever seen her respond to someone. It took him back for a few days, just watching her upset.

He braces himself for the hallway and remembers Snap’s advice to look at his feet. This corridor isn’t crowded by refugees, probably because it houses all the pilots and a few officers, so it’s quiet. Just the bright light and the shiny floor. Not as shiny as the Destroyer. Because he’s not on the Destroyer he’s at the Resistance base on D’Qar. He takes deep and slow breaths all the way to the medical bay, scared of what might be there.

“He’s over there,” Kare points.

Poe looks up through the glass in the doorway to see Finn sleeping. He’s wearing white medical clothes and he has a monitor on his wrist. There is a tube in his nose and tucked behind his ear. His cheeks are sunken and his skin looks almost ashen. Poe puts his hand to the glass, seeing it tremble as he raises it. Finn is so close, so very close. Chewbacca, who is sitting in a chair next to Finn, turns to see Poe standing there and he nods. Poe cracks a small smile, turning his gaze back to Finn. He closes his eyes and digs deep down for that light, passing all the screaming cracks and their loosening nails to pull it out and send it to Finn.

“Time to go, Poe,” Kare touches a hand to his back.

Poe’s eyes shoot open. “No, it didn’t work, I need more time…”

“You agreed.”

He nods, following Kare back to his room. Putting up a fight now just ruins his chances of seeing Finn in the foreseeable future. When he’s back in bed he considers attempting dreamwalking again, hoping he can somehow send a message to Finn, but decides against it. He wants to be awake enough to see him tomorrow. But what if Finn was dreamwalking? Did he just dream that Finn came in here or did Finn use his sensitivity to send him that message? More importantly, will Finn forgive him? He lays down and closes his eyes in an attempt to sleep, but it doesn’t work. He sits there and listens to Kare breathing, trying to just close his mind down, until morning.

~

Snap brings him breakfast in the morning, saying that he thought avoiding the mess for a while was a good idea. He eats with Poe, bringing Poe up to speed on the formations and practice flights he’s been leading in Poe’s absence. He talks about the basic maintenance schedule and he keeps his talk so fucking mundane. Poe knows it’s for his benefit but he eats so fast he nearly chokes and then asks to see Finn.

Snap nods. “Kare told me you saw him last night.”

“I looked through a window for a minute,” Poe says tersely. “I need to see him.”

“Why is this so urgent? What happened to you on Nar Shaddaa? You are acting like you’re going to die if you don’t see him.”

“You don’t know?”

“Leia and Maz told us you were captured and taken to reconditioning and that Finn was probably tortured, that’s it.”

Poe hangs his head, setting his food tray on the floor next to his bed. “I was given drugs. They played screaming and suffering. I was given drugs.” Poe considers telling him about Hux and just how the drugs made him like it all, but he isn’t even sure he wants to tell Finn about that. Finn has been through it and he doesn’t want to tell him. He hasn’t told Maz. He knows that she’s expecting him to tell someone someday. Not Snap, not today. No matter how much he trusts him. “They tortured Finn and played the holograms and the screams over and over.”

“Fuck…” Snap gasps.

“They wanted to recruit me as an officer, probably because of my position here in the Resistance. I was a very powerful asset. But…I managed to get away and rescue Finn. I think they told Finn I was going to kill him, he didn’t talk to me on the Falcon on the way back.” He clears his throat, choosing to keep the one talk they had private. “I think I was there for about a week? I don’t remember exactly. I wasn’t focused on the time.”

_After about an hour of fighting, Poe gives in and drinks the water brought to his lips willingly._

_He gets choked and cut and slapped and teased to the point of coming and denied for hours._

_Hux visits him in the late afternoons and evenings. Always with a bottle of liquor and dinner._

_“How long have I been here?” Poe asks. “You don’t get to ask me questions, not yet,” the General sighs._

“Poe?” Snap asks.

He shakes his head, taking several deep breaths. He bites the inside of his cheek. He’s here on D’Qar and he’s safe and this is real. “I’m good. But I want to go to the med bay.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

Poe goes to the small bathroom to quickly change into civilian clothes before meeting Snap at the door to his room. He follows Snap’s advice again and watches his feet as they walk to the med bay. In the daytime, the halls are full of fighters and refugees and so much noise. So much noise. Poe hears a baby cry and begins to tremble. The screams, the cries, the sounds of death surround him. Blue makes him like it, pink keeps him from running away. He grabs onto Snap’s arm and feels the flop sweat hit him like a wave. Run, his brain tells him. You need to run away so they can’t hurt you. He closes his eyes and hears that light inside him start to sign but he can’t handle that right now. It’s new and strange and it’s terrifying and he can’t focus on getting to the med bay if he indulges the Force. His body wants to run, every muscle chants to him to do it. He fights it, internally yelling at the light.

When they finally get to the med bay, Jessica approaches the entrance, talking in a low voice. “Finn woke up and asked for you.” She smiles. “He asked me where you were.”

“Holy shit, he talked?” Snap mutters. “Did you tell him Poe is out?”

She shakes her head. “Nobody told him yet.”

“I can see him?”

Jessica touches Poe’s arm. “I think you have to. But we’ll be right there so if either of you can’t handle it, we’ll stop it. I just, Poe there’s so much intensity here and I have no idea what happened but you need to know that you will be safe. We are right here.”

“Even if he’s afraid, we can help him,” Snap assures. “Trust us.”

Poe nods, so fucking anxious he could throw up. He sees Finn and locks eyes with him. Finn breaks a little smile and it nearly shatters Poe into a thousand pieces. Poe tries everything to keep his cool, tries not to let the well of joyful tears spill over, as he walks across the med bay towards Finn. He hears something clank to his left and turns his head, seeing a nurse drop medical tools on a tray. A syringe. A needle. A vial.

_“Whatever the fuck you are playing at, just get it over with.”_

_General Hux takes a syringe out of his pocket, filled with a blue liquid. He sticks it into Poe’s arm and depresses the plunger quickly. The liquid seems to instantly swirl through his body. He feels warm all over, tingly. It’s a familiar sensation in an unfamiliar setting and it’s entirely unsettling._

_General Hux wordlessly moves over to Phasma. He reaches up to her neck with both hands and begins to strangle her…Poe feels his pulse quicken and his body flush…He feels himself growing hard in his pants to the point of aching and he screams out in pain for someone to make it all stop. Poe cries for her as she releases her last breath and doesn’t take in another to replace it. He’s right on the edge…_

“NO NO LET ME OUT OF HERE!” Poe pushes the tray away and turns to run but he feels two sets of strong arms take him to the ground. He tries to get free but he can’t, he can’t get free. “LET ME GO BEFORE HE KILLS HER!” He shouts. “I HAVE TO SAVE HER!”

_Can you hear me? Poe, I’m right here. You are safe. I’m right here._

“No no no,” Poe gasps. Snap and Jessica are holding him down and shouting about hauling him out but he can’t leave he can’t leave without Finn. “Please I’m okay, please…”

“Hold him down, I have to sedate him,” Shubuntu approaches with a syringe and needle.

“No!” Snap shouts. “Don’t do that, don’t come at him like that!”

“I’m the doctor on this base,” she replies, kneeling next to Poe.

“NO MORE BLUE! I DON’T WANT TO LIKE IT!” Poe screams, getting and arm loose from Jessica and hitting the syringe out of Shubuntu’s hand.

Shubuntu cries out and holds her hand and Jessica goes to help her. Poe manages to get free from Snap and stand up. This time, he lets his body make the call. He starts running. He runs out of the medical bay. He runs down the hall and through the fury of screaming and crying children, the people who are standing in line to be slaughtered by the First Order. He feels the bites on his neck and licks on his skin from Hux and he runs faster. He remembers the coursing heat and lust of the blue and runs fast. He remembers the inability move and the fear of not knowing and he runs faster and harder until he finds himself out on the tarmac.

He finds his X-Wing and climbs inside, doing a systems check. He ran out of ground but he can’t run out of space. He’s just about to start the launch sequence when the controls shut down, a single message displayed on the readout.

“Enter passcode? What the…” Poe rolls his head back.

They locked his fighter. They knew he wasn’t ready, they knew he was dangerous enough that they had to keep him from getting away. Poe starts to feel the sweat dripping from his brow, the burning in his legs, the ache in his chest from breathing so hard. His hands are twitching from adrenaline and that light fucking screams inside him. He lets himself cry, big sobs that shake his entire body. He was so close to Finn and he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t fucking do it. Now Finn is probably terrified of him. Poe will never get to see him again.

Poe closes his eyes, hoping death comes.

~

“Do you remember your family?”

Poe looks to the small boy sitting on the floor across from him, maybe four years old. He shakes his head. “I don’t. I didn’t have a mommy or daddy.”

“You did,” the boy says, all blonde hair and big smiles. “We all had mommies or daddies.”

“You stupid shit,” an older boy, maybe twelve, clad in a black suit, approaches and hits the boy. “The First Order is your family. You’d be best to remember that before the Captain hears such things.”

Poe feels scared, terrified to do anything. He wants to reach out and comfort the boy, to touch his cheek and make sure he isn’t terribly hurt. But he doesn’t. He knows that if he does, bad things will happen to him too. But he does warn him.

“Shhh, don’t talk like that anymore,” he whispers. “They’ll send you to reconditioning. That’s where all the bad kids go when they don’t listen to the Captain.”

The blonde boy shakes his head, huge tears falling down onto the grey rug under them. “I want to go home.”

“I’m right here,” Poe replies. “I’ll protect you 2003.”

“I don’t want to die, 2187,” the boy says, looking at Poe. “I don’t want to die.”

~

He opens his eyes at the sound of the hatch opening and Snap sticking his head inside. “Hey.”

“What’s…what’s happening?”

“You freaked out in the med bay, nearly broke Shubuntu’s hand and ran out here. You’ve been asleep for maybe an hour?” Snap sighs. “I’ve been sitting on the tarmac giving you some time alone.”

“Finn?” Poe starts to undo the straps. “How’s Finn?”

“Worried, he yelled for you until he collapsed. He’s awake.”

“Yelled for me? But that doesn’t make sense. He’s scared of me.”

“Poe, that kid is a lot of things but afraid of you isn’t one of them,” Snap snarks. “He’s worried about you. He needs to see you just as much as you need to see him. You know he was a Stormtrooper, he probably went through a lot of the same shit. He knows, Poe. You need to take comfort in the fact that he knows what happened to you and he still wants you.”

Poe inhales deeply, feeling a dull ache in his chest. “Take me to him.”

“The med bay are you fucking kidding me?” Snap shakes his head. “Let’s go get some rest. Come on.”

Poe starts to get out of the X-Wing and Snap jumps down, allowing him passage. His bare feet his the tarmac with a slap and he looks around to see pilots working, running repairs, and even sitting and playing cards on freight containers. He takes a deep breath and walks through them back into the building, Snap right behind. He looks down at his feet when he walks past the refugees, doing his best to drown out any noises by chanting in his head:

Finn.

 

 


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe finally gets to see Finn.

“Hey, Poe,” Snap shakes him.

Poe opens his eyes, seeing a book laying open on the bed next to him. “I fell asleep.”

“You were exhausted. Hope you got enough beauty sleep, princess. We have a plan.”

“What do you mean?” Poe rubs his face. “Just leave me here to rot.”

“Poe,” Snap gets serious in his tone. “Don’t make me more scared for you than I already am.”

“Fuck nobody asked you to fix me, you just have to make sure I don’t take anyone else down with me.”

“I’m serious, Poe. Don’t. You mean too much to me. Like a brother. I’m not going to sit here and let you do this.”

“Then get the fuck out,” Poe snaps.

“Not a chance. Finn is outside in the hallway and he wants to see you. So get fucking dressed in something that doesn’t smell like your stinky cockpit and comb your damned hair for your boyfriend.”

“He’s really here? Shit.” Poe says, getting out of bed and moving to the small bathroom faster than is probably safe to move in that small space. He finds his brush and runs it through his curls. He wets his hands under the faucet and uses the water to tame his hair down, doing the same to freshen his beard.

_“We need to shave this,” Hux says in a deep low voice. “A good Captain adheres to the dress code of the First Order.”_

He drops his brush in the sink and grips the counter hard. “You don’t have a dress code. You aren’t in the First Order. You aren’t in the First Order.”

“Poe, you okay buddy?”

“I’m fine,” he snaps, looking back at himself in the mirror. “I’m fine.”

He rushes to change into clean clothes, heart beating fast the entire time. Finn is right outside in the hallway, right on the other side of the door. He’s going to see him, finally. He’s going to beg and beg for forgiveness and probably get nothing in return, just like on the Falcon. But he needs to see him. He needs to try.

“I’m ready,” he says, finally turning to Snap.

“Okay, we’ll be right outside,” Snap says. “You just say the word and we’ll come in.”

“Got it,” Poe says, sitting on the edge of his bed and nervously wringing his hands. He looks over at the nightstand to see the rest of the Yavin cookies and he looks back to Snap. “I’m good.”

What he doesn’t say is that he can barely breathe he’s so nervous. That he’s doing everything he possibly can to stay strong enough to see Finn, to stay strong enough for Finn. He has a lot to make up for. But he can do it. He has no choice. It’s this or it’s nothing. He closes his eyes and hears that Force dancing. But it’s not unpleasant, it’s almost happy. Content. Maybe that’s all he needed to keep it at bay. He doesn’t need the Force, he needs Finn.

“Okay, let me go see if he’s ready. It’s like preparing a damned bride for her wedding day,” he jokes, leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

Before he even gets to finish inhaling his breath the door opens.

“Finn?”

Finn enters the room. He looks better than he did in the med bay. He has a little bit more shine to his eyes but his face is still so sunken and his body looks tired. He’s wearing actual clothes, something they probably took him so he’d look more normal and wouldn’t set Poe off. What Poe isn’t prepared for is how thick the room is, how tense the energy is. He isn’t prepared for the struggle inside him to keep that light down and out of the way, or the way his pain starts to work itself around Poe and harden like a shield. He feels like he can’t breathe, can’t run and can’t hide and the light screams to come out.

“Hey,” Finn says softly.

Poe tries to keep his smile small and non-intimidating but he knows he’s failing and his jaw is trembling. “Hey.”

“Panic attack, right?” Finn says.

“I didn’t mean to scare you in the med bay. Or on the Falcon. Or the tarmac.”

Finn shakes his head. “I actually get it. I have those too. That night you were taken on Jakku, even before then. Certainly since. That helpless feeling and just responding to what’s in your head whether or not it’s real. It’s hard. I had one here, after I woke up. You were out after your accident on Takodana and Rey was gone and I felt so alone. I thought Leia was gonna send me back. Can I sit?”

Poe nods, sitting on the edge of his own bed. He expects Finn to sit across from him on his bunk but instead he sits next to Poe.

“Are you okay? I mean, I don’t really know what happened to you on that Destroyer.”

“They kept telling me you were going to kill me,” Finn looks at his hands in his lap. “The General told me you defected. He would come and,” he lifts his shirt to reveal healing gashes on his side and chest, “he’d cut me until I repeated it after him.”

Poe wants to reach out and touch each cut, kiss it softly and make it disappear, but he doesn’t. “Did they give you the blue stuff?”

He shakes his head. “Not this time. That’s for reconditioning. They use that when they want to keep you alive, like you.”

His stomach drops and his body feels weak. They were torturing him for fun, for enjoyment. He was just a plaything to the First Order. “He only wanted me for my knowledge of the Resistance. He, uhm, would inject me with blue and play your screams.”

Finn reaches a hand to Poe’s face and wipes a tear away with his thumb, quickly putting his hand back in his lap and looking embarrassed. “We don’t have to talk about that.”

“I need to. Maybe not tonight.” Poe closes his eyes. “I wish I hadn’t fucked everything up.”

“We all fuck up for stupid reasons. We all do things we shouldn’t or don’t do things we should. That’s what Maz says.”

“How can you trust me?” Poe opens his eyes to see Finn staring at him. Him, not his hands. “After everything I did?”

“Because you saved me.” Finn cracks a small smile.

“You rescued me, remember?” Poe hangs his head.

“I think it’s the Force. Something about the Force just…I have no idea. Maz says we are both sensitive and I’ve tried and tried and nothing I do seems to work.” Finn takes a deep breath. “I tried to talk to you in the med bay today, in your head.”

Poe looks up at Finn. “I heard you. I thought I was just imaging it but I heard you say that you were right there. It was faint and it felt like it wasn’t real, but I heard you.”

He smiles, much wider this time. “Maz thinks mine manifests in perseverance. That’s how I managed to leave the First Order and make it this far. Like no matter what happens I keep coming back to…” he sighs. “I’m just tired.”

“Need to go back?”

“I just want to lay down and listen to music. Like we used to.”

“I’d like that,” Poe replies, standing up to turn on his holoplayer.

Finn sees the plate of Yavin cookies on the nightstand. “Can I?”

“Please, eat something,” Poe says, trying to pick the right music. He remembers that Finn liked some of his mother’s favorite music.

“These are amazing,” Finn mutters, mouth full of food. “I don’t even care about the…” Finn drops the plate and it shatters on the ground. He bolts for the small lavatory and starts to vomit into the toilet. Poe rushes to him just as the door opens and Snap, Jessica and Kare come bounding in.

“We’re fine, he’s just throwing up. We’re fine,” Poe says, holding his hand up to his friends through the doorway of the tiny bathroom. “Finn do you need to go?”

“No,” he chokes between wretches. “Don’t make me leave.”

“Guys, get out,” Poe says. “I mean it, he wants to stay you heard him.” He turns back to Finn and starts rubbing circles on his back and he hears his friends leave. “I’m right here, you’re okay.”

After another few minutes of heaving, Finn finally stands up, almost pushing Poe out of the way, and moves to the sink. He cups his hands and fills them with water, gulping and spitting into the bowl. After several rinses, he turns off the water and looks at Poe. Poe can feel the pain and fear ebbing off of Finn and it hurts. His bones ache for Finn and it’s all he can do not to cry again. He swallows and takes in gulps of air, the light trying to cut its way out.

“They made me eat things, Poe. They put this fucking tube in my throat and made me swallow…that’s why I don’t eat. I can’t get the taste of the trash and the sewage out of my mouth.”

Poe nods, looking down at the floor and chewing on his own tongue inside of his mouth. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“I know.” Finn says absolutely.

“Need to lay down?”

“Yeah.”

Poe moves to let Finn out of the lavatory and Finn chooses to curl up in Poe’s bed instead of his. Poe decides not to question it and lays down next to him, on his back, just so they aren’t touching. Finn shifts his body so that he’s on his side facing Poe. Poe turns his head and smiles with tight lips at his friend. “I like this song. My mother use to hum it all the time.”

“It’s nice,” Finn replies. “I want to stay here. I can’t go back to the med bay.”

“You’re not better yet. You’ve got to be able to eat again you know that. I can help. Maz can…”

“Tell me that I need to do things and then turn around and say I’m not ready?” He scoffs. “You know what she told me? She told me you were my map to the light.”

Poe smiles. “She said you were mine.”

“So you help me eat and I help you…what?”

“I don’t really know. Let go of my past? Be honest with myself? Forgive me?” Poe turns back to face the ceiling. “It’s not up to you to fix me, Finn.”

“What if I want to?”

“I wish you wouldn’t. I don’t deserve it and you deserve so much better. You are worthy of so much more than me fucking you up.”

“You’ve said that before,” Finn replies, looking almost hurt.

Poe feels like he’s been punched in the gut. “I can’t begin to apologize.”

“Then don’t. And I’m not just talking about the mission. After you came back from breaking your leg on Takodana you’ve been sort of spiraling further and further away and before you say anything I just know. Maybe it’s the Force but I just knew.” Finn takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. “You had no idea what my life was like before I decided to help you on that Destroyer, back after Jakku. But you took care of me anyway. You could have easily just passed me off, and at times you did.”

Poe looks into Finn’s eyes. “I did it to protect you. I don’t like hurting you.”

“You talk like it’s about me but what if it’s really about you? I’ve been trying, trying so hard to read you since Maz told me about my sensitivity but there’s a wall between us. Fuck, I have no idea why but I just need to break it down. It screams out at me and I can hear it and it’s loud and…”

“Proximity, Finn. It’s all about proximity.” He shakes his head. “I was there when you needed a pilot and now you still need one. I was just there at the right place and the right time, Finn. Who says you wouldn’t be feeling this about Rey if she was here?”

“I just know, don’t ask me how.” Finn sighs and rolls over on his back. “Maz said this wouldn’t be easy.”

“Is anything?”

~

“What the hell was that?” Nines rounds the bunks and settles at the foot of Poe’s bed, messing up the Order-code folded and tucked corners.

“What are you talking about?” Poe sets his Morale text down on the floor next to his bed.

“That drill back there? Slip? You went back for him, nearly compromised the whole mission.”

“I’m the mission leader, are you questioning my orders?”

“I am. You are an outsider.”

“You take that back, 2099,” Poe says. “You need show respect. I’ve never questioned your leadership on a drill, even if you are too cocky and reckless.”

“You are too close,” Nines says. “You’ve roomed with Slip since you first started in the Order. That kind of proximity can be dangerous.”

“We are all living together…”

“You’re starting to care too much. You’re going to get us all killed.” Nines stands up. “You pull that again and I’m going straight to Captain Phasma.”

Poe watches Nines leave and then lays on his back, looking up at the bunk above him. Nines has too much pride, he’s the dangerous one. He’s the bad boy they’ll send to reconditioning because he’ll do something stupid and get way too many other troopers killed. While they are all expendable for the good of the First Order, sometimes cost can be too great even for Supreme Leader Snoke.

“Hey,” Slip enters the room, hair wet from the fresher. “I never got the chance to thank you for the save today.”

“A good leader recognizes an asset,” Poe smiles. “You are too valuable to have lost on that drill.”

Slip smiles, sitting on the edge of Poe’s bed and touching a hand to his shoulder. “I mean it, thank you.”

Poe watches Slip stand up and climb into the bunk above him and thinks about Nines words. Slip is the closest thing he has to a friend. At least that’s what he thinks, he only knows what friends are because of that one time 6782 snuck in some outside literature and she shared it with everyone before she was sent to reconditioning. She never came back. It’s not really friendship, it’s closeness. Proximity.

~

Poe’s hand still on his cock, creamy pale come spilled onto his knuckles and stomach. He looks to Ben and thinks about a rag, but instead of finding one Ben smiles and reaches a finger down to Poe’s stomach.

“It’s so interesting, come,” he says, swirling his pointer finger through the mess. “It can help create a life or it can end up in someone’s mouth or ass or a rag in the trash bin. Have you ever tasted yours?”

“Sorta, when I kiss you after you blow me.”

Ben swirls up a big dollop and brings it to Poe’s lips. “Try it.”

Poe takes Ben’s finger in his mouth and licks it clean. “Tastes like you.”

Ben shakes his head. “Not really. I’ve tasted mine. You can tell your own. It’s your life force, it’s a permanent piece of your energy that you share with someone. So many times it just goes to waste. But think about it, mine is in your ass, right now. Inside your body. I put it there. Could we get any closer than that?”

He shakes his head. “That’s just, like, proximity. We’re just in the same place at the same time. That’s not the same as being close to someone. Like, deeply.”

“I’m learning how to read minds,” Ben blurts out. “Luke wouldn’t like it, he says its Dark Side kind of stuff, but I’m learning. I want to read your mind. I want to be that close to someone.”

“I’m happy with what we have,” Poe lies. “I mean, I wish you would…”

“What?” Ben whispers, eyeing Poe’s lips with something close to reverence.

“Never mind,” Poe smiles, arching his face up to receive a kiss from Ben, his life force swirling between their tongues.

~

Poe blinks his eyes open, finding that at some point in the night he and Finn had shifted closer to each other on the bed. Finn’s on his side, facing Poe, and Poe is on his side facing Finn. They aren’t touching, but they are close. He wants to ask Finn about Nines and Slip and the blonde boy but he’s afraid. They only are just seeing other again and he can’t think that this is actually real. He can’t really be dreamwalking, he’s not using the light. But he doesn’t have the energy to try and he doesn’t want to risk playing with the light when Finn is around. He can’t afford to break down again.

He reaches up to touch Finn’s face and he wakes up. He smiles at Poe. “How long have we been asleep?”

“I don’t know,” Poe shakes his head, removing his hand from Finn’s face. “You okay?”

“Better. You?”

“Better.”

“I was going to tell you something, back on the Falcon.” Finn says, taking a deep breath and locks eyes with Poe. “You were threatening to kill me and I meant it and I just never got the chance to say I…”

There’s a knock at the door and Snap and Jessica enter. “Hey,” Jessica says. “Uhm, I would ask if you want your privacy…”

“It’s nearly morning and we have to take Finn back,” Snap begins. He smiles so fucking big and it’s almost pissing Poe off.

“You need to go,” Poe says, sitting up on the edge of the bed.

Finn sits up next to him. “I don’t want to.”

“You need to start eating again so you are healthy enough to stay out of there.”

“I’d ask you to come see me but…” Finn fidgets with his fingers in his lap.

“I’ll work up to it.”

“Maybe we can just make it a thing, sneaking Finn out at night?” Jessica asks. “Come on, we gotta go.”

“Bye, Finn,” Poe says.

“See you tonight,” Finn smiles, leaving with Jessica.

Snap waits until the door is closed behind them. “So, feel better yet?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“I’m actually surprised you guys were both dressed,” Snap laughs, sinking into Finn’s bunk.

“Shut up, TEMMIN,” Poe snarks. “Just be nice to me, I’m recovering.”

“In all seriousness, I’m glad to see you happy. I missed that.”

Poe thinks that he missed it, too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dreams will be explained in time, worry not.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn shows Poe the way.

He marches off that carrier in perfect formation. This is just a drill, Poe thinks. Just another simulation. He disperses in the pre-coordinated section, blaster raised. Aiming, but not firing. Intimidating. Corralling all the villagers into one bullpen. But one of them fires and hits Slip. Slip.

Poe approaches his fallen friend, at a loss for words. He kneels down, reaching out for his friend. Friend. Not just another Stormtrooper, but his friend. His friend reaches out a hand and wipes it across Poe’s face. Poe can’t breathe he just wants to run. Run as far as he can.

They capture a man and bring him before Kylo Ren. He’s wearing a brown jacket and Poe sees him. Poe sees himself and feels drawn. Beyond his control, he feels pulled to that man kicked to the ground before Kylo Ren. He feels a fear so intense that he couldn’t run if he tried as he watches the exchange between himself and Ren, too far away to hear. He focuses on standing straight, holding his blaster and breathing. He is a Stormtrooper with the First Order and he must act as such.

Captain Phasma comes into view, her blaster across her chest, and gives the order. He raises his blaster but…too many innocent people. Too many souls who were just in Kylo Ren’s way. This isn’t right. This isn’t right. Poe swallows, removing his finger from the trigger.

~

“You taste like cake,” Ben smiles, cupping his face in his hand.

“Thank you, by the way,” he pulls Ben closer for another kiss. “But my birthday isn’t for a few more months.”

“I know it’s your favorite,” he gasps before moving his mouth over Finn’s. Why he is kissing this kid? What the hell is going on?

The sound of footsteps in the hall causes them to part, Ben soothing down his robes and Finn wiping his mouth. Both boys turn when Han and Chewie enter the room. Solo?

“Boys, your mother wants us to go on a run to pick up some Senator’s runaway daughter,” Han rolls his eyes. “Apparently it’s all hush hush so she didn’t want to send her usual crew.”

“Fine, go rescue a damsel in distress,” Ben rolls his eyes. “Not like I wanted to see you anyway.”

“Ben,” Finn chastises.

“Your mother said you’d react this way,” Han sighs. “I talked to Luke and he’s fine with you staying here for a few days. Here,” Han reaches to hand Ben some money but he doesn’t take it, so he hands it to Finn. “This is enough to get two rooms and eat and then some. I’ll be back in four days tops.”

“Bye Han,” Finn nods. “See ya Chewie.”

Ben doesn’t say goodbye, but instead grabs his bag and storms off the Falcon. Finn grabs his bag and chases after him. They go to the nearest inn and get just one room. When they get to their rented room, Finn barely closes the door behind him and Ben roughly shoves him against the wall and sucks on his throat. The foreplay is hard, the sex punishing and painful but Finn knows this is what Ben needs. It’s only after they’ve both come and Ben lays a palm to Finn’s sweaty chest that Finn feels so disconnected. They are touching but they are anything but close.

~

He stands next to Rey on the platform. They can see Kylo Ren standing on the walkway over the giant opening, his black robes making him look almost like a statue. He looks down to see Han walking towards him. From here they can’t hear what they are saying. He’s about to yell for Solo to stop but Rey puts her hand on his, ever so briefly, on the railing. He looks to her but she doesn’t break her gaze from what’s happening down below.

They watch as Kylo Ren removes his helmet and lets it clatter on the edge of the walkway. Solo walks closer and closer and Finn feels some sort of white hot light screaming in his chest but he trusts Rey. If she isn’t running down to stop it, it must not be theirs to stop.

Solo is so close, it looks like they are holding hands. Then bright red shines through his body. Kylo’s lightsaber. Through Han Solo’s body. He shakes his head furiously; jaw open in surprise. He feels Rey choke on her own gasps and sobs, but she still does not run down to intervene. Not when Solo touches Kylo’s face, not when Kylo pushes him off the walkway and down below.

~

A week passes. Each night Snap and Jessica bring Finn to the room. They talk about everything but what happened or how they feel or how they hurt. Finn selects music to listen to and they pour over Poe’s books. One night, Poe reads to him from the book he had made for him while soft music played in the background. When Finn visits, Poe feels at peace. He feels like everything is alright and all the terrible things that have happened to both of them got left out in the hallway. Finn even eats when he visits. Small bites, but he keeps it down. He always smiles at Poe after each bite and Poe smiles back

They don’t touch. They sit on Poe’s bed and are close. It’s a comfort to have that closeness, someone who can even come close to understanding what the other has been through. There are times when he’s reading and he glances over to Finn and thinks about the way things could have gone—the way they should have gone. Poe should have admitted his feelings for Finn the moment he woke up. Poe should have told him all about Ben and his past and he should have let it all go. Instead, Poe spends his nights in the same room as Finn pretending nothing happened and pretending they both aren’t Force sensitive and pretending that things can be just okay. And at night, everything is.

His days are much harder. He sleeps after Finn leaves and spends his afternoons trying to keep the attacks at bay. He can walk in the hallway without staring at his feet now. He even goes to the mess for dinner, towards the tail end so it’s less busy. He walks around the base with Snap or Jessica or Kare or Chewbacca, usually with BB-8 rolling behind. He goes out to the tarmac and polishes and tinkers with his X-Wing, hoping he can fly it again. Snap and Chewie practice with him every day by bringing empty syringes and needles into his room so he can get closer to spending his days in med by with Finn, but it’s hard. He doesn’t get violent anymore but he practically breaks down into a shivering mess and it takes Snap rocking him for nearly an hour to get back to himself.

Of course, resisting the light takes the most energy of all.

He has his daily talk with Maz who feeds him more shit about learning to use the Force. But today she asks to meet him near the lake, the same place they went camping all those weeks ago. When he arrives, he sees Finn is already with her, seated cross-legged in the sand on the edge of the water, Maz in front of him.

“Ah, Poe Dameron. Late, I see,” she rolls her eyes. “You sit next to him.”

Poe can’t help but smile at Finn as he takes a place in the sand right next to him. “If you want to finish with Finn that’s fine, I can wait.”

“No, today I see both of you. Now, I can practically see you thinking, Poe. It’s time to stop resisting.”

“I’ve been getting better, I walk the halls and I can go to the med bay any day now,” he turns to Finn. “If you don’t get out first.”

“Maybe we should listen to what she has to say, Poe,” Finn replies, turning to face him. “I think we’ve been sharing dreams.”

“Good, acceptance!” Maz claps her hands. “These are your first steps. Now, I think you can both use your light to enhance your true callings. For Finn, his perseverance. It can take many forms. Resisting the First Order, fighting in battle, loyalty and love. And for you, Poe…”

“Flying, fighting,” he interrupts, suppressing the urge to run away.

“Perseverance. You have it too. Your mother chose dedication to the Rebel Alliance, but when the work was done she was lost. Luke Skywalker convinced her to return home and to nurture your sensitivity. But she was afraid, Poe. Just like you.”

Poe clenches his fists against his knees, angry and embarrassed at these revelations in front of Finn. “I’m not afraid of anything.”

“You are afraid of the light, of loss. You are afraid of the end of the war because you, like your mother, don’t know what to do with yourself when you don’t have a fight. Now, stop trying to run away and listen.” Maz smiles at both of them. “Finn tells me about your dreams.”

“I have dreams where I am you,” Finn says, looking at the sand in front of him. “I think, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my brain trying to scramble for meaning. Maybe it’s the Force.”

“I’ve tried dreamwalking but it doesn’t work,” Poe sighs.

“Dreamwalking is not always something you can control,” Maz interjects. “Young padawans often walk into other’s dreams without even knowing it as children. But the only way to be sure is to ask each other.” Maz stands up. “You two will talk, I will go admire the forest.”

“This is shit,” Poe says, standing up. “I’m leaving.”

“Who is Ben?”

Poe turns around. “What?”

“Ben. You shouted his name on the tarmac when we got back. You dream about him, don’t you? You dreamt that he gave you your favorite cake and kissed you and then Solo and Chewie showed up and left you at some inn. You were lovers.” Finn glances at the ground, face fallen. “I get the overwhelming sense of sadness when you dream about him. You miss him.”

Poe sits down across from Finn. His truth is out now and it’s shockingly okay. He doesn’t feel the world crumbling beneath him, he doesn’t feel Finn afraid or shocked or hurt. It’s clear now that they have been dreamwalking. He feels his face flush and vision get blurry from the tears he is holding back. “Slip dies on Jakku that night and you thought you had lost the only one you could consider a friend.”

“Yes, you were there too. We are both dreamwalking, Poe, I…but,” Finn counters, a million thoughts flying through his eyes as clear as the sun. “You still didn’t answer my question.”

“Ben Solo,” Poe responds on a whisper. “It’s Ben Solo.”

“Han and Leia have a son?”

Poe hangs his head. “Had. He isn’t Ben anymore.”

“What do you mean, Poe?”

Finn looks up at him with the most caring and safe expression that Poe it brings Poe to his knees in front of him. He tries to tell him but his jaw trembles. “Ben is Kylo Ren.” He sees Finn is speechless so he continues. “Leia and Han told everyone, even me, that Ben was killed fourteen years ago when an apprentice turned on Luke Skywalker, but that wasn’t true. It was Ben who turned against Luke. He was seduced by Snoke. I remember him talking about how some of the others wanted to change the Jedi, he talked about learning from another and…I always thought I would be enough for him. He’d leave the Jedi and stay with me.”

“Like the book,” Finn replies. “Poe, I had no idea.”

“Rey told me when you returned from Starkiller. She knew. She felt it when you watched Han die. That’s why she stopped you, because she knew.”

Finn reaches up and puts a hand on Poe’s shoulder. “I can’t imagine the guilt, but I feel it in your dreams. Still. After all these years.”

“I accept that I did everything I could,” he looks up at him. “Even if it wasn’t enough, it was all I could do. Doesn’t stop the sadness I feel when I think of him, or dream of him.”

“I still wish I could have done more, left the First Order sooner.” Finn squeezes his shoulder but leaves his hand in place. “When I first met Maz, she told me I had the eyes of someone who wants to run. I’m done running. From the First Order, from my past…from this. What were you trying to run away from, Poe?”

“A past that I’ll tell you all about, when the time is right. A future that I didn’t think I deserved. Still don’t.”

“What kind of future?”

“One with you.” He bites his tongue at the words, a little too late keep them from leaving his lips. “A future where I could spend it with you. But, I’m not that person anymore.”

“Poe, you are…”

“Weak. I indulged my own pain and fed it with anything I could. I wanted to feel pain, I was punishing myself. I was punishing myself for a lot. Now, I just want to be the person I was. I want to just wipe everything Hux did to me out of my head. I want to walk down a hallway without freaking out. I want to learn everything I can about you and I…I want to start over. I want to try again.” He looks up at Finn.

 

 

“Then stop running. Please, stay with me.”

Poe rolls his tongue and bites his lip, letting tears fall from his eyes. He reaches a hand to Finn’s face and cups his cheek. He nods. “I’ll stay.”

Finn smiles, tears rolling out of his own eyes. “Good. Now, Maz brought some tea to help us sleep.”

He darts his eyes over Finn’s face. “Sleep?”

“I want to show you something.”

~

He doesn’t think he can do it.

The jacket in his hands. He doesn’t think he can let it go. But he does. He sets it on the ground outside of Poe’s door and leaves.

He gets back to his room and cries. He should have run before he got this deep. He’s never experienced a pain so deep and all-encompassing and it leaves him exhausted and shattered. He wraps his arms around himself and feels cold, so cold.

The jacket is gone.

~

Poe is awake when the med bay starts to scramble. He sits up in his bed a little more, doing his bed to ignore the shooting pain in his back when he does so. He doesn’t remember much from what happened on Starkiller. The General came to visit him yesterday when he woke up and told him that he had been in combat with Kylo Ren and took a lightsaber to the back. He’s badly injured but he will heal. He woke up yesterday to learn that his friend was out on a mission but he was coming back. He had the jacket with a note. He was coming back for him. He watches as Shubuntu, the very nice doctor, runs out of the room at top speed. Others are preparing a surgical table across the bay. Something is very wrong.

What he doesn’t expect is to see himself being wheeled into the med bay. He’s in his orange flight suit, tattered and stained with blood. Poe can’t breathe as he watches himself being lifted to the intensive care table. Two other pilots in orange suits come right in behind—Jessica and Snap--as does General Organa. Shubuntu starts barking orders and injecting him with a million different drugs. BB-8 rolls in and makes a straight line for him.

“What’s happening BB-8?” Poe asks, only realizing he can’t understand the droid. Why can’t he understand 8? “What…” he shakes his head and tries standing up, stumbling and nearly falling on his bed again.

“Finn,” a nurse says, “you need to stay in bed, you are not…”

“I need to see Poe,” Poe replies. “POE! POE I’M RIGHT HERE,” he shouts across the bay. Why did the nurse call him Finn? Why is he yelling to see himself?

General Leia Organa hears him and parts from Poe’s side and approaches. “Finn, Poe was in an accident. He’s badly injured but he should be fine in a few days. You need to rest,” he pats his shoulder. “He’ll want to see you when you wake up.”

After an hour, when the doctor is done and Poe is bandaged and wheeled in next to him, does he stumble out of his bed, put the jacket on and take up residence in the chair next to him. He looks up at himself and takes his hand. He feels like his entire body could explode and it just might if he doesn’t wake up. He just needs him to be safe and alive and to wake up.

“Please, Poe don’t leave me alone,” he begs softly, squeezing his hand.

~

“You look sad,” Oscar says to him. “Is this what you want?”

Poe shakes his head. “No, I want someone else.”

“But they don’t want you?” Oscar tilts his head, his expression one of remorse. “We don’t have to do this, I can leave.”

Poe touches Oscar’s bare chest, sweat under his palm. He feels his erection sliding against Oscar’s under the sheets and if he closes his eyes he can pretend it is the one he wants. He nods. “Let’s do this.”

He takes such care in preparing Oscar, sliding his fingers in and out with so much lubricant and care, the same care he would show to the one he loves. Loves. He plants a kiss to Oscar---no---Poe’s---neck before positioning himself and sliding inside of him. He closes he eyes and begins to move, carding hands through Poe’s hair and touching the expanse of skin in front of him and for the night he convinces himself this is the one he’s been waiting for.

~

“You are what?” Kare asks, smiling. “Really?”

He nods, smiles and swallows the lump in his throat. “I’m going to tell him. Tonight.”

“Here?” Jessica joins in.

He shakes his head. “Later, when I give him the book. This could be a dangerous mission, I could end up captured by the First Order again, or worse…but I know how I feel and I’m not going let another day pass without telling him.”

“Good. I think both you have been a long time coming. I promise you, Finn, once Poe gets over his shit he’s a great guy. I think something happened to him on Jakku that he hasn’t dealt with yet.

“And you could be the one to help him,” Kare finishes. “Let’s go loverboy.”

“Don’t call me that.”

Poe puts his hands in his dark hands in his pockets and walks around the ship. The lights they added this afternoon really do add a glow to the otherwise dark tarmac and it feels so warm and inviting. Like just a gathering with friends. No war, no pain, no mission. He glances up at Poe without moving his head and locks eyes with him. He wants to tell him right now, that warmth and emotion chasing through every cell of his body. But all he can say is ‘hey.’

~

Poe sits up, gasping for air. He was inside Finn’s mind. He was experiencing Finn’s life, his feelings and his memories. His mouth is opened, panting, lips tingling and skin on fire. He turns to Finn, who is just waking up.

He moved his mouth as if to speak to Finn, to ask a million questions, but he doesn’t know what to say. He felt Finn’s pain at letting the jacket go, his sadness at being with Oscar, his fear at losing him after the accident on Takodana, his elation that night before they left for Nar Shaddaa.

Poe felt Finn’s love for him.

Finn sits up and grabs Poe’s bicep, keeping him close. Poe does the same, pulling Finn closer to him. Neither of them speak, they don’t need to. Not right now. Poe bites his lip and Finn cracks a small smile. They search each other’s faces but it seems like something they think they are supposed to do rather than something they need to do. Poe stops thinking, it’s useless. He knows this now. Cupping Finn’s face in his other hand, he leans in for a kiss.

They kiss.

A kiss that should have happened months ago. Finn’s lips are warm and open and inviting and Poe melts into them. Finn’s other hand meets the back of Poe’s head and fingers tangle in his hair so softly, keeping Poe’s mouth against his. Poe’s gut drops out of his body in the most delicious way as their tongues meet, sliding around each other like they were designed to do this and only this. This is what he has been searching for his entire life, this one moment. Suddenly all the pain, all the mistakes have both become worth it and crumbled into dust and erased. The rushing of blood in Poe’s ears is replaced by singing. He feels the light and this time he lets it go. He feels the warmth and hope wrap them together, joining with Finn’s light. As long as there is light, they have a chance.

He feels so overjoyed and peaceful and perfect and right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning on this happening for another 5 chapters or so, but I think it's going to make the next plot points more interesting to have it happen now. This story isn't over, and of course eventually Rey and Luke have to show up. Right?


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Finn struggles to control his new strength, Poe worries about exposing his weakness and how it could be dangerous to Finn.

It feels like the world stopped when they kissed. Now, they part for air, foreheads touching, chests heaving and bodies trembling out of sheer joy, and suddenly it wasn’t long enough. It could never be long enough. The intensity of everything that just happened weighs heavily on him now, the need to figure it out flooding back into his mind.

“I can hear you thinking,” Finn whispers. “You need to figure this out, it’s freaking you out.”

“What are you doing?” Poe sits back, looking at Finn. “Why are you in my head?”

“I’m sorry, it’s all so much. Maz said I was stronger than you but that I don’t know how to use it yet.”

“I don’t like it.” Poe scoots away from him on his ass until there are a few feet distance between them. “It’s…it feels so wrong. The last time someone was in my head like that…”

“Kylo Ren.” Finn looks at the dirt, the distance between them. “Ground rules then. And I can’t promise I won’t break them while I figure this all out but at least we have an understanding.” He reaches his hand out to Poe. “Please?”

He scoots back to Finn, taking his hand. He feels that pull again, that light. “So you can read my mind? If you want to?”

“Yeah, I accidentally read Snap’s mind the other day. Freaked him out, but we talked and he promised not to tell anyone. He didn’t want to scare you.”

“What was he thinking about?”

“Sex,” Finn laughs. “Lots of sex.”

Poe laughs. “Figures.” He takes a deep breath. “I don’t think I can do that. I tried and I couldn’t initiate the dreamwalking. I think it’s been all you.”

“The first time was after you got out of the brig last week, I tried to come to you while you were sleeping. I had no idea if it worked.”

“You came into my room and tried to wake me up, yeah, I remember.” Poe squeezes his hand, trying to make a little light of the entire mess. “Can you do anything else cool?”

“Nah, I’ve been so focused on letting myself feel the Force without freaking and trying to get to you.”

“Ah!” Maz returns, sitting down in front of them. “I feel some sense of closure. But also confusion. Learning to walk can be very difficult if you have never used your legs before.”

“I need more practice,” Finn says. “I need to be able to control it.” He turns to Poe. “If you don’t want me in your head, I need to learn how to control that.”

Poe looks down to see they are still holding hands. “I’m not as strong as Finn,” he looks to Maz. “But I want to learn how to use what I do have. Especially if it helps him.”

“What do you mean?” Finn asks.

“I walked up here and saw a load of darkness and fear lifted off the both of you,” Maz laughs. “And yes, Finn is much stronger. Even now, I feel him. But you must be careful. Depending on each other that way can be dangerous.”

“Too late,” Poe says.

“Yes, Finn you are very strong. Stronger than I thought at first. Perhaps you have enough.”

“Enough what?” Finn asks.

“Could he be a Jedi?” Poe asks, bewildered.

“We meet here tomorrow. Finn first, alone, then Poe.” She stands. “I’m going back to the lake. It’s so peaceful here.”

They stand and walk back to the base, holding hands until they get to the tarmac. “Do you really want everyone staring at us and congratulating us on…whatever this is? Or worse, what they think we did?”

Finn smiles. “No, I want to keep this between just us. For now. I don’t feel like sharing you. Now, let’s go to the mess. I’m starving.”

“Really?”

~

Poe goes back to his room after they eat, not having realized how long they stayed in the mess and talked about all sorts of random things. They got there at the tail end of dinner so it was calm but even then Poe didn’t mind. He could handle it because was there with Finn. They chatted and smiled and talked about all those little things. Finn asked questions about flying and Poe told him stories about growing up. When they were the last ones there, Poe told him about the first time Han let him co-pilot the Falcon. They didn’t talk about Ben, but they didn’t need to. Finn knows they used to be lovers, but he doesn’t know a lot of the details. That’s all for some other time.

As much as he didn’t want him to, Finn said he needed to go back to the med bay. He said he needed to be alone and work on his focus and he was afraid of violating Poe’s mind without permission. Of course Poe nearly started to panic right there in the hallway about being parted from Finn. Not after what they shared, not after that kiss. They need to take rebuilding their relationship slow and careful, and Poe isn’t ready for anything more than being near Finn, and maybe more kissing. He’s not going to fuck this up again.

His head hits the pillow and the stress an enormity of the day hits him. He has a Force sensitivity, sure, but Finn has the Force. He could be a Jedi. Finally Poe could have his Jedi, only this time he is sure that Finn wouldn’t leave him for the Jedi Order. He would rather throw it away, and he feels that. It makes Poe feel happy and greedy at the same time, but it’s all a moot point. Finn is going to make his choice and Poe is going to make his and neither can convince the other to change their minds. It’s still romantic to think about his teenage fantasy coming true, though. Running off with his Jedi and living happily ever after.

He’s just about to drift off into sleep when Snap enters. “I saw you and Finn in the mess,” he says, jumping onto his own bunk. “I decided to give you space.”

“I’m going to talk to the General in the morning, I don’t need a detail anymore. Not that I don’t like you being around or appreciate you. I mean really, thanks.”

“Any time, Poe. You sure?”

“As sure as I am that you are thinking about sex right now,” Poe snickers.

“He told you,” Snap sighs. “Yeah, well okay to be fair I’m always thinking about sex. Not a secret.”

“I kissed him.”

“What?”

“Well, we kissed. But don’t tell Jessica. Or Kare. Or anybody. A lot of things happened today and, well…I’m going to be okay. It might still be rough, but I’ll be okay. I’m even going to ask Leia about getting flight privileges back.”

“I just hope that you finally find some happiness, Poe. Real true deep down mushy gushy type happiness. Ever since I’ve known you you’ve always been about the surface stuff. You fly, you fight, you kick ass, sleep around, drink and play cards. Then you came back from that mission to get the map and you were so fucking sad, man. And you couldn’t shut up about the guy who saved you from the First Order, when you were convinced he died in that crash and how mopey you were until he came back. So, take that and run with it.”

“I’d climb up there and hug you right now but you’re probably thinking about sex,” Poe snickers again. He feels so fucking happy and good for the first time in months. “Nah, man. Thanks, brother.”

“Also I’m going to ask the General for a new room because, well, I’ve heard you have sex before and I don’t need to hear it again. Goodnight, Poe.”

“Good night, Snap.”

~

“You know what you seek, you only come here because you feel the need to justify your hesitation to me.”

He looks at the Jedi version of himself, clad in brown robes, and feels anger. “I didn’t chose to come here. I’m dreaming. I’m happy, Finn and I are going to be happy now. It’s okay.”

“You always chose to come here, Poe.”

“I don’t want this. I don’t want the Force. My mother didn’t want it, she made a choice. Let me make mine. Leave me alone.” Poe collapses to his knees. “I just want to be with him. I don’t want to worry about him peeking into my head and learning about all those horrible things. I don’t want to show him that part of me.”

“That’s what love is. Seeing the worst of each other and loving them all the same.” The Jedi comes and puts two fingers under his chin to raise his gaze. “Your mother didn’t want to lose you. She loved you but she was convinced that the new Jedi under Master Luke would only lead to another war. More pain and ruin and she did not want. She wanted it all to end, so she came home to you.”

“She died anyway.”

“Shara Bey spent so much of her energy trying to suppress her Force that it left her open, left her weak. When she got sick, she had given up. She died because she tried to deny who she was. Don’t make that same mistake, Poe Dameron.”

“What if I lose control? What if I get taken by the First Order again? What if…” he trails off, his head swirling through an endless myriad of possibilities. “What if I snap and I chose to go to the Darkside? I’m not as strong as Finn, I could. I can’t do that to him.”

“Despite what Jedi used to believe in the past, bonding to another does not make you weak. It can make you strong as long as you learn to resist that pull to the Darkside. Both of you have already shown that you can.”

“I don’t want him to suffer the pain of losing me,” he replies, tears spilling out of his eyes.

“It doesn’t matter now, Force or not, should you ever lose him. You’re already in too deep, Poe.”

~

“Shhhh,” Finn says, shaking him awake as he crawled in next to Poe in bed.

“What are you doing here?” Poe asks with his half-sleep voice.

“I couldn’t sleep,” he says, getting comfortable under the blankets full clothed. “I could hear you dreaming when I walked in, so I woke you up. That way I don’t accidently walk into something.”

“It’s not a good idea for you to be here, you can’t control it yet.” Poe sighs.

“Would you two shut up?” Snap gripes from his bunk. “And I swear if I hear sex noises I’m throwing up over the side.”

Poe giggles and rolls his eyes in the dark. “We aren’t going to do that, go back to sleep.”

“Can I just stay for a little bit? I’ll leave in a few so you can get some sleep.” Finn reaches a hand out and places it on Poe’s chest.

_Hux wraps and arm around him and pulls him close. He nuzzles Poe’s neck and gently rubs across his shoulder, his chest, his cheek and back around again. It’s warm and soft and kind. Too kind. He feels Hux plant soft kisses to his neck and sigh into his ear and he’s so hard, so hard now._

_He can’t fight it, he can’t move. He can’t beg Hux to stop…The pink isn’t enough to completely paralyze him, his body starts to automatically fight against the blow to his diaphragm but it hurts._

_He broke the rules, he betrayed his General. Poe deserves execution and he should be grateful for the reprieve. When he can talk again he will beg forgiveness and loyalty._

He’s sweating, he’s shaking, his body is rigid. He can’t move. He can’t run and he can’t hide. Hux is going to make him like it again, he’s going to make him want it and need it. He sees the reflective metallic ceiling and walls and he feels the fabric of the clothing Hux gave him and the smell of his pomade and the taste of his lip.

“Poe? Poe?”

Finn’s voice. He blinks over and over again, trying to muster the ability to speak.

“Poe, I’m right here. You’re having an attack, don’t listen to General Hux. He’s not here. I’m here. You didn’t betray anybody. Poe, please...” He feels Finn, his hand on his face, wiping away tears.

_“Embrace the dark side, Poe.” He removes his gloves and caresses Poe’s face. “I told you that I could love you. I could love you back. Not like FN...”_

“I can’t move,” Poe gasps.

“There is no pink. It’s in your head, Poe. There is no pink. I’ve got you.”

Poe lifts his arms. Finn’s right, no pink. But…no. Not this, please not this. He’s not even dreaming. “You can read minds?”

“I’m just trying to…”

“No, get out of my head,” Poe spits, pushing Finn away and practically falling out of bed. “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”

Poe does the only thing he can think to do, he runs. He runs out of the room and down the hall. He runs out of the building and out to the tarmac. He runs into the dark woods, feet getting cut and scraped by twigs and rocks. He runs to the edge of the lake and looks out at the water glistening under the light of twin moons. The water is glassy and black and it would be so easy to slip underneath it and never come up. Not face his fear or shame or guilt. Not give Finn the chance to see all the darkness that is still hiding inside him. It would be so easy, to fill his pockets with stones and just go.

“POE!”

He turns to see Finn and Snap emerge from the tree line, BB-8 in tow. He sees Snap turn to Finn and nod before he and 8 leave. Finn keeps walking towards Poe, but he stops when Poe holds up a hand.

“Don’t.”

“I didn’t mean…I still can’t…”

“I think we need to stay apart until you can,” Poe swallows, looking back to the water. It calls to him, just as strong as Finn does.

“You don’t want me to see something and we both know that I can’t promise you I won’t.” Finn stops about twenty feet away from him. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, you don’t get to apologize for nothing. I don’t want you to see what a terrible person I have been.”

“You know I don’t blame you for what happened with General Hux. I saw you apologize to him when you tried to rescue me, I saw you kiss him. I know…I know he did things.”

Poe shakes his head. “You don’t know all of it.”

“Someday you might want to show me. And maybe you won’t. That’s okay.”

He turns back to face Finn. “It is?”

“Yeah. It is.”

“How the fuck are you so calm and collected and normal about all of this? How are you not running away from the overwhelming responsibility and power you have? I’m not nearly as strong with the Force as you and I nearly drowned myself in that lake to get away from it.” Poe lets out a huge breath and feels tears on his face. “So much so that I don’t want you to know all the darkness I still have in my past. My shame, I don’t want you to have to walk around with that.”

“I’m calm and collected and normal and not running away because I love you. I tried to tell you when you threatened to kill me on the Falcon. Even when you saved me on that Destroyer. The day I saw you on that tarmac after General Leia brought us back from Takodana. I love you.”

Poe looks down at his dirty and bleeding feet in the moonlight before locking eyes with Finn. “I know.”

“You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to.”

“No, I do,” Poe laughs. “Whenever Leia or Han would say ‘I love you’ to each other when I was growing up, the other would say ‘I know.’ I have no idea why but I found it so incredibly sweet. So, I love you, too.” Poe smiles. “So what now?”

“We don’t spend time together while we are sleeping. I work on controlling it and you work on learning your Force and when Rey returns we fight the war. Who knows, maybe when it’s all said and done we can run away to a small cabin in the woods and live happily ever after. I really like that book too.” Finn smiles. “Deal?”

“Deal,” Poe closes the distance between them and gives Finn a deep and soothing kiss, not parting until he needs breath.

 

 


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Finn struggles to harness the Force, Poe gets re-instated as Black Leader. After a talk with Leia, he goes on his first mission back.

Two weeks later

Poe eats his breakfast and looks around the busy mess hall. It’s packed. A large number of men and women of all species came here as Hosnian refugees and ended up signing on to train for the Resistance. Snap, Kare and Jessica have been busy training the new pilots. Poe sat in on a few of the lectures, ending up leading a few on the utility of astrometric droids and teamwork. One such lecture ended with a group of the younger pilots wanting to hear about Poe’s more courageous missions. The group ended up staying a few hours late and listening to Snap, Jessica, Kare and Poe swap the less intense war stories. Poe remembers when Finn walked into the back of the room and leaned against the wall, wearing the jacket for the first time since Nar Shaddaa, arms crossed over his chest and smiling at him the entire time, sneaking ‘I love you’ into his head after each story.

He spends his days waiting for his turn in the trainer with Snap or Jess and flying over the planet and trying to figure out how to harness his Force. It doesn’t work, not like Finn. Poe can’t control it at all. He can feel when Finn is close, he can see Finn’s light when he’s around but he can’t make his own come out like that. Finn took his promise to train and do his best to control his power very seriously and had managed to convince Snap to be his test subject—he goes with Finn to meet Maz by the lake every day for a few hours and helps Finn learn to control his mind reading. When Poe found out, he was so grateful to his fried that he gave him a hug that lasted just on the wrong side of too long and maybe shed a tear or two. He doesn’t feel comfortable with all this love and support, but he’s glad he has it nonetheless.

He tries up in that trainer, but he just keeps doing the same maneuvers he always did. Jessica shrieks and laughs and always mentions how good it is to have Poe back. After his short flights, Poe storms off and wanders in the woods, BB-8 usually following him around quietly. He avoids the lake, giving Finn and Maz privacy and also avoiding Finn picking up on his thoughts. Favoring one particular rock at the top of a large hill, he sits and stares down at the trees, seeing the gap of the lake and the tarmac in the distance. He sits and thinks. Obsesses. Perseverates on what a failure he is for not being able to harness his Force sensitivity and how conflicted he is about it. He doesn’t want it, but he feels disgusted that he can’t use it.

“I got some good news for ya,” Snap says, finishing his food and taking a pause to sip on his tea. “The General cleared you for solo flight. In fact, she wants you at our briefing after breakfast. Says she has another surprise for you.”

“Surprise?” Finn approaches the table, setting his tray down and sitting next to Poe.

Poe holds up a hand. “No mind reading, I wanna tell you,” he turns and smiles. “I got solo flight privileges back.”

“I knew you could do it,” Finn says, leaning over and kissing him.

Their relationship didn’t end up secret for long. When Finn got released from the med bay last week, Poe made it a point to meet Finn at the door and walk him to his new room---Leia got him a private room on the other side of the compound after Poe made a veiled plea about needing Finn to develop independence and whatnot---and couldn’t help but kiss him in front of their friends like some big space dork. But it felt so good and he remembers how Finn whispered those three little words into his ear as they were walking down the hall to his new, and hopefully temporary, room.

“Thanks, Finn,” Poe smiles back.

“I know you’re anxious but…” Finn whispers.

Poe closes his eyes and chants ‘please stop’ over and over in his head until Finn finally manages to get out of it. The anxiety makes all of his darkness spread through his mind and he’s afraid Finn is going to see something. “I better go, duty calls.”

“Bye,” Finn nods in a tight-lipped smile, turning back to his food.

Snap waits until they are down the hall from the mess before asking Poe what that was all about. Poe just sighs and reminds Snap that he’d rather have a relationship built the old-fashioned way and how it makes him feel too exposed. Or something. Yet again Snap reminds him it’s not so bad, and that they’ll find out everything about each other anyway and that if Finn has still stuck by him, through everything, that he’ll stick by him now. And some more crap about being such a baby about not sharing a room because they are so in love and happy with each other it’s gross. This time, Poe thinks Snap might be right. Then again, he’ll probably change his mind by the time they get to the briefing room.

~

“One last point of order,” General Organa says to a room full of pilots, team leaders, gunner leaders and Pathfinder captains, “After a medical leave due to injuries suffered in his last mission, I am pleased to re-instate Poe Dameron to active Commander and Black Leader of the X-Wing Fighter Squadrons.”

Poe is met with thunderous applause and he stands and approaches Leia to shake her hand. He stands tall and proud, somehow feeling more like his old self in this moment. He’s back in his element, leading the Resistance to victory against the First Order. So when Leia says to him quietly through the applause to stay behind for a briefing for a mission, inside he practically soars. Once the room is empty, it’s just them and Snap standing at the front of the room.

“I have decided to give Pilot Wexley over-ride privledges,” Leia says, arms crossed. “If at any time he thinks your leadership is dangerous, or you are in danger, he can and will take command.”

“Understood,” Poe says, trusting that Snap is the best person for this job. Poe isn’t above admitting that something could happen, especially now when he’s desperately trying to decide how to proceed with the Force.

“I’ve decided that your first mission is going to be recon. Snap?” Leia says, letting him take over.

“Every other week I’ve been sending a pilot out on re-con for D’Qar. We know that the First Order knew we had a base here, but as far as we can tell they think we left after taking out Starkiller. But we can’t be sure. But by limiting off-planet transports we’ve also managed to hide our tracks. Now so far we havne’t seen anyone track you back from Nar Shaddaa, but we have to be cautious.”

“You have to evacuate the base,” Poe says sternly. “Every minute we aren’t planning an evacuation is another minute that Hux gets closer.” He sees Snap give him a ‘look’ but says nothing. “The First Order, I mean.”

“We can’t move the refugees until we can evacuate the entire base. And we just don’t have the resources,” Leia says. “Not without the assistance of the Republic, which is gone now so that’s not an option. Our hands are tied. We have to stay. For now.”

“We may be vulnerable, but we have means to protect ourselves here. It’s a better shot than taking our chances anywhere else,” Snap replies. “So I want you to go on this re-con. I’ve been so busy training recruits that I’ve had some of the other pilots taking turns but…”

“You want me to show I can handle this.” Poe nods. “I got it. No, I’m fine. Makes sense.”

“I know it seems like busy work…”

“No, it’s the perfect mission for me to come back. So what’s the job?”

“It’s a good two and a half days, you take BB-8 and patrol the planet. 8 helps you take readings and holo-images of the planet. You look for any sign of un-documented persons on the planet. Then when you come back, we lead an investigative mission to determine if they hostile. Commander?” Snap looks to him.

“I’ll take this mission,” Poe says. “But when I return we are going to evacuate the planet. I want you to start drawing up potential plans with General Organa and Ackbar. I will lead an off-planet recon mission when I get back to determine where we send the refugees and where we build our new base. I think Jakku is probably our best shot, they wouldn’t be expecting us to go back there. But keep researching. Got it?”

“Yes, sir,” Snap says, smiling. “It’s so good to have you back.”

“As you were,” he replies, leaving the room with an air of confidence.

~

Of course his maintenance check the X-Wing would reveal a sticky valve and a corroded wire coupling. Of course he wouldn’t be able to find his tool kit because some new recruit borrowed his shit without knowing better. Of course he’d have to borrow the nearest toolbox he could find and of course that idiot’s tools were dirty and covered in grease so when Poe had to pull hard on the coupling of course it slipped and he cut his hand open. He’s already on edge with excitement at going on a real mission for the first time since Nar Shaddaa and getting to fly alone. He’s also back in his element. He’s going on a mission and when he returns they are planning the full base evacuation. This is what he does best and this is where he can put his energy.

But when he gets outside of the med bay, he finds himself stilled in the hallway looking through the door, holding his bleeding hand and listening to the tapping of blood drops hitting the floor near his feet in time with the beating of his heart. He’s about to walk in when Leia comes up to his side, staring into the med bay next to him.

“Are you going in or just going to bleed out all over my floor?”

He looks at her briefly before walking right in, sitting down on an open bed while a nurse approaches and begins to clean his hand. Leia sits on the bed next to him and puts a hand on his back. “I can do this,” he says quietly to her.

“I know. I wanted to talk to you.”

“Are you mad about my assignment to Snap?” He stares at his red blood that pooled in the palm of his good hand, starting to get tacky.

“No, I wanted to talk about your sensitivity. Maz tells me that you are fighting it. You only go to see her a few times a week.”

“Finn needs more of her time until he can train with a real Jedi,” Poe says softly. “I just need to get back to work. Besides, I’m sensitive, but I can’t do what Finn can. He can read minds, he can dreamwalk. My sensitivity lets him dreamwalk in my dreams, that’s about it.”

“I think you aren’t giving yourself enough credit. I think your sensitivity it what gives you your strength. I was never strong with the Force, but I do regret not having trained more, tried to develop it. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t fought it”

“You fought it?” Poe asks, tearing away from watching his hand being stitched.

“After Luke told me, after the Battle of Endor…I just wanted to be in love with Han and continue my work in the Senate. It was too much and I didn’t like it. It helped that Han wasn’t sensitive, but when I was pregnant with Ben, I knew he was. I could feel his strength in my body the entire time and it was terrifying. Too much strength, too many emotions. But now…now I wish I could. Sometimes I feel when people I love are near or in trouble. I felt Han’s death. But I want to know what it’s like to hear that light again.”

“You could,” Poe nearly whispers. “You could train.”

“It’s too late for me, it’s not for you.” She grabs his good hand, getting it covered in his blood.

He feels the prick of the needles before he knows what’s happening. He looks to see the nurse giving him a shot of antibiotics, but it doesn’t alarm him. It’s just a needle. Just a needle. It’s not his entire world continuing to quake under his feet no matter how many times he changes his mind or how many times everything gets upheaved. Poe could jump on the rooftop and scream out to the world that he’s getting a shot without having an attack, but instead he just smirks and puts it in his cap

“I don’t want to give up what shred of myself I have left.”

“Maybe you should stop thinking of it as giving yourself up. Haven’t you given up a life for the Resistance?”

“My life is the Resistance, General.”

She lets go of Poe’s hand. “I shouldn’t have been so selfish. You could have had a real life if I hadn’t pushed you into my war. It’s not too late.”

“Too late for what?”

“To leave the Resistance. Take Finn and go home.”

He looks at her, trying to call up the light. He feels it and tries to push it to her, to wrap her in it, but she shakes her head. “Don’t do that. I’m serious. I am giving you permission to leave.”

“Why aren’t you ordering me?”

“Because you need to make that choice for yourself. I shouldn’t take that from you.”

“I love you, mom,” he says with a smile. “I know you don’t like when I call you that, but I mean it.”

“You’re good to go, Commander,” the nurse interrupts. “Keep it clean and come back in a few days so I can take out those stitches.”

“Think about what I said,” Leia says as Poe stands up. “When you come back, you can make that choice.”

“I’ll see you when I get back from my mission,” Poe smiles and leaves the med bay.

~

Poe goes to the lake before he leaves. He watches from the tree line as Snap takes a lunch break while Finn and Maz stand around a rock on the bank of the lake. Finn is staring at the rock, hand extended. He admires the scene before him for a good ten minutes before approaching Snap and sitting on the ground next to him.

“He’s been trying to lift that rock for the last hour,” Snap says in a hushed tone. “So far it’s vibrated and moved about an inch, but he can’t seem to get it off the ground. I told him about your mission before we practiced the mind reading stuff.”

“How’s that going?”

“Poe!” Finn sees him and runs over, kneeling in front of him and kissing him. “Snap told me about your mission, I didn’t think I’d get to see you before you left. Your hand,” he says, touching the bandage.

“Tool slipped. I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye.” Poe smiles. “Also I have something to tell you.”

“Can I try?” Finn asks.

“Sure.” Finn puts his arm out, like he did with the rock. It looks dramatic and a touch comical but Poe doesn’t really mind, if it helps.

“It does help,” Finn smiles. “See?”

Poe thinks about cutting his hand in the med bay, about walking in and getting stitches and about the needles. He starts to dip into his conversation with Leia but he shakes his head and Finn puts his hand down. “I did it.”

Finn doesn’t answer, he just captures Poe’s mouth with his own. They kiss until Snap groans at the display. “You and Leia okay?” Finn asks, clearly having seen at least a part of their talk.

“Yeah, we are,” Poe says, standing up. “I better go.”

“Good luck,” Snap says.

“Luck is not of consequence,” Maz adds from her seat near the lake. “May the Force be with you.”

Poe nods to Snap and Maz and turns back to Finn. “I love you.”

“I know,” Finn smiles.

~

“Okay BB-8, you start taking your pictures, I’m going to keep scanning,” Poe says to his droid as they soar through the air and over the green trees. So much of D’Qar reminds him of Yavin-4 with its lush green and bodies of blue water. Rivers like veins and mountains and hills texturing the landscape. This planet didn’t have the same cultural history as his home planet, having not been inhabited by humanoids.

Leia gave him the option to leave. It still shocks him. He could leave, and Finn would probably go with him. But he can’t do that, not with Finn’s power to add to the fight. Poe knows that he could never live with himself when he wasn’t doing everything he could to stop the war. He knows how much defeating the First Order means to Finn now. It would be unfair to the galaxy to give up and retreat. But he could, and he probably should. Poe wonders just how much of that discussion Finn saw, and if Finn saw that Poe wouldn’t leave the war now.

“Feels good to be back in the air with you, 8,” he says as they glide over a lake.

He sees a mountain up ahead and decides to have himself some fun. Poe goes down just so that the wake from his engine shakes the tree tops behind them. 8 chitters in cheer and he whoops and hollers as he pulls back on the controls, sending the nose of the fighter straight into the sky. They get over the top of the mountain and Poe pushes forward, using the tree tops as his guide. He lifts up just a little so he can do barrel rolls without his wings hitting the foliage. Corkscrewing through the air, he takes the X-Wing back into the sky and closes his eyes.

He calls for it and it’s there instantly, the light dancing through his body. He feels the fighter go up and down, spin and dip. He sees the green trees and blue water and white clouds in the sky—even with his eyes closed—as they pass by fast then slow then fast again. Finn’s smile and voice comes into his mind, remembering the joy he felt at the lake when he found out that he was able to get a shot without having an attack. The way Finn’s voice saying ‘I know’ vibrates in his bones and makes the Force warm his entire body.

At first, he doesn’t register the alarm.

BB-8 screams in his ear just seconds before he feels the X-Wing lurch. He opens his eyes to see warning lights going off. 8 says they have a locked valve and now the starboard side engine is on fire after overloading. He starts flipping switches and cursing, knowing that he’s going to have to land this thing and hope that he can do enough repairs to limp it back to the base.

“Hold on, 8, we’re going to have to land in that field up…”

The controls don’t respond. Another alarm sounds. “Hold on we have lost control, 8…”

8 beeps that he’s trying to override but it appears that a main relay is now out and both engines sputter to a stop.

The X-Wing is falling.

Poe shouts to 8 to brace for impact and that he’ll come back for him as he pulls the lever for the ejection seat. The hatch bursts open and Poe is suddenly flying through the air, his parachute opening and pulling his flight harness against his body tight as he swings through the air above the trees. He watches his X-Wing sink into the trees and hears the cracking of trunks as it disappears. He grabs the orange handles of the chute and tries to steer it towards that field, but a big breeze catches him and somehow sends him down towards the forest fast, too fast. He can’t seem to catch the upwind to slow his decent.

The last thing he remembers is a tree branch hitting him in the head.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit more going on, but I've decided on the final end to this fic after wavering for a few weeks. It's not coming up too soon though...but it is.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe wakes up after his crash and figures out a plan to get back to the base. However, something is standing in his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU! This fic has over 10k hits now. That's cool. Like, wow. In honor of reaching that mark, I decided to put a little nod to the new Poe comic in this chapter.

“Ease up on the controls or you are going to crash, sweetheart,” his mom rubs her hand on his curly hair, pushing it out of his face.

“Mom, stop it, I’m flying here!” Poe shouts, pulling away from his mother’s touch. “I am Commander Poe Dameron and this is my A-Wing and I have to protect the REPUBLIC!”

She smiles and sits back down next to him. “Check your speed, if you go too fast your aim will be off.”

Poe rolls his eyes. “You know I’m seven now, not a baby. I know about the speed.”

“Alright, honey,” she says.

“Stormtroopers, straight ahead!” Poe starts flipping random switches in the cockpit. “We need the Pathfinders, there are too many of them.”

“How many?” mom asks, looking out of the hatch very serious.

“Four million,” Poe says. “We need the Pathfinders!”

“This is pilot Bey, calling for the Pathfinders,” mom says over the comm link. “We need backup.”

Poe looks up to see his father, the leader of the Pathfinders, run into the shed with an old push broom. He holds it up and pretends it’s a blaster, shooting at all the Stormtroopers. Poe whoops and hollers, helping his dad take out the Empire in no time.

“Commander Dameron, our mission is complete,” mom says. “Let’s go have dinner.”

Jumping out of the cockpit into the arms of his father, Poe squeals with delight. He loves when mom lets him play in her A-Wing and now that he’s a big kid he’s allowed to more and more. “Thanks for helping me win the war, daddy,” he whispers as his father lets him down on the ground.

“Any time, Poe,” Kes ruffles his hair.

“When I grow up, I’m going to be a real pilot and kill real Stormtroopers!”

He looks up to see his mother and father exchange looks that are somehow sad. He doesn’t get it. “Honey, the Empire is gone. There are no more Stormtroopers.”

“That’s stupid,” Poe kicks the dirt. “How am I going to get my Prince?”

“What do you mean, sweetheart?” His mommy kneels down in front of him and puts her hands on his shoulders.

“You flew and fought in the wars and you got your Prince, mom. I hear you call him that all the time. I want a Prince.”

“Poe, darling, you will meet your Prince someday,” she smiles at him. “You won’t have to fight in a war and kill Stormtroopers to fall in love.”

“What’s falling in love? Is that kissing and stuff?” Poe shakes his head. “Not that. I want someone who plays with me and likes me and reads me stories before bed and hugs me and is always near me forever. Just like you and daddy.”

Mom pulls him in for a big hug. “You’ll get him, someday. I promise you, Poe.”

~

Poe knows he’s alive before he opens his eyes.

He remembers the valves and the engines going out. Ejecting. Watching his fighter disappear, swallowed by the trees.

He’s alone now. He’s hurt and alone and scared.

Finn.

He tries so hard to bring that light out, as if he could just send the Force halfway around the planet to reach his love to send help. He feels it falter, wrapping around his heart as if to hug him, but he can’t quite manage to project the energy past his body. He’s hurt. Weak. Broken.

Finn, help me, he thinks. I need a pilot. Finn.

His entire body is aching with pain and he knows he should check for broken bones. He takes huge gulps of air into his lungs, trying to release his breath slowly to prevent from hyperventilating. He can’t fall apart now, Finn wouldn’t want that. He needs to finish his mission and get home to Finn. Poe has to open his eyes and stand up and find his fighter and go back to the base. For Finn. He opens his eyes to see that he made it to the ground. His tattered parachute dances in the branches above him, light dancing through. He sits up, feeling his back ache but clearly not broken.

“You need to check yourself over for injuries,” he mutters to himself, feeling his whole body sluggish against his brain’s commands to move.

He’s missing a flight glove, hand all torn up from scraping branches on his decent. He reaches up his left hand and feels his face and scalp, noting a larger gash just past his hairline. He probably has a concussion. The cut is deep enough to need stitches and it’s still wet. He lifts his right arm to help check and feels a sharp shooting pain, falling back on his back and letting tears sting his eyes. He manages to look down and see his sleeve torn open and soaked with blood. He reaches his fingers into the tear and rips it even further, seeing a very deep gash running the length of his forearm. It’s jagged and twists from the back of the wrist and around to the inner elbow, missing the major arteries and veins. He could have bled out in his sleep.

After what seems like an hour, he checks his legs and finds just minor cuts and scrapes. There is one on his stomach that could probably use some stitches, but he knows it’s not fatal. He has to get back to the wreckage and find 8 to send him back to the base for help. His toolbox and first aid kit and pack are all in there, he can start walking back towards the base. If he rations his meals he can probably pull five days out here. As far as he could tell, he’s probably a good halfway around the planet. It’s a smaller planet, but he could probably make it back in five. But after three they’ll be looking for him. 8 could roll there faster if he’s not damaged.

“That’s it,” he says to himself, “focus on your mission. You got this, Dameron.”

Groaning, Poe stands and starts to unbuckle his flight harness from the parachute with one hand, holding his cut arm close to his chest. It takes forever and each jostle of his body shoots through his arm but he’s gotta get back to his fighter. He’ll never make it injured without his gear. He looks to the sky for a trail of smoke and sees a faint one, not far. Probably a good mile though…he was close to the ground when he ejected. He grabs a knife from his left thigh pocket and starts cutting straps from the harness, fashioning a pressure bandage to slow the bleeding and keep the flesh pressed together. He also loops one strap over his neck to create a sling and keep his arm elevated so reduce blood flow.

Focus on what needs to be done, he tells himself as he starts walking. Just focus.

~

Poe feels almost numb when he finally gets to the wreckage of his X-Wing. It’s not fully on fire, just the engine still smoldering. There’s no way he can get it back in the air, he can tell before he even touches it. BB-8 is nowhere to be found. He manages to get through the cracked and bent hatch and reach in, tossing out his pack and supplies. Once he’s got everything he sits on the ground in the middle of his survival gear and finds his hand shaking. He slumps to the ground. His whole body feels flighty and he can’t catch his breath. He starts panting, clawing at his jumpsuit and trying to free it from his chest and throat. He’s having an attack, or going into shock. He’s sweating and his arm hurts. Poe’s all alone out here and he’s going to slip into shock and die. He’s let everyone down and left Finn alone.

“Finn…” he whimpers between huge wracking gasps.

POE! He turns to see BB-8 racing towards him, chittering and cheering about having searched for the last three hours and how he was concerned that Poe was gone.

“BB, you have no idea how good it is to see you,” he says, putting his good hand against his friend. The droid rolls closer and he rests his forehead against his old friend. The tears finally flow from his body, huge sobs that make him feel stupid and vulnerable and alive. 8 beeps and boops and lets him know that he is okay.

Poe sits up straight, managing to crack a small smile of appreciation. “It’s getting dark, 8. I need your light. Gotta play doctor now.”

He takes more breaths and relaxes. First he reaches for his mess kit, drinking the entire canteen of water. He has purification tablets so he can drink it all. He needs fluids to combat shock. He climbs as best he can to lean into the cockpit and try to get a read on his location. No power, the control panel is dead. That means no radio for help either. Settling back in a patch of grass, 8 shines a light on him and he paws through the first aid kit, finding antibiotic shots, pain medication syringes, a suture kit and several bandages.

With the light from BB, he bandages his head and preps the suture kit. He eyes the pain medication and knows he’s not going to be able to stitch his arm without passing out without it. He stabs the needle in his arm and empties half the syringe, feeling that old friendly warmth pulse through. Poe rolls his head back for a moment, enjoying the feeling of freedom. Free from his pain. After a few deep breaths, he starts to stitch up his arm. It still stings and pulls and the pressure from the stitches is awkward, but he gets the job done and bandages it up. Without giving himself the time to think about it, he grabs the antibiotic and injects it into his bicep, only pausing and starting at the syringe in his hand when it’s done.

How hard it had been to conquer something so small, he muses. It’s just a needle, just an apparatus meant to deliver medication. Instead it had become a symbol of suffering and loss of autonomy. It became a symbol of his betrayal and weakness towards the Dark Side. Now…now it’s a reminder of what he can’t let himself to fall into again. He has to resist that pull to the Dark Side. If not for Finn, for himself. The only way to resist is to deny the Force that flows through him. Like his mother did.

It’s too dark to walk now, not with the recent injuries and stress. Using the first aid pack as a pillow, Poe rolls onto his side under the safe awning of a fallen tree trunk. It’s the first time he’s taken a good look at BB since the crash. He’s got a large scuff mark on his head and a rather large gouge in his lower ball, nothing that can’t be fixed. He reaches out a hand and touches his friend again.

“Thanks, 8. Are you well enough to try to make your way back?”

Yes, 8 beeps. I can make it. It should take me two days.

“Good, go. I’ll start walking in the morning.” Poe settles back into his patch of grass as the sun completely disappears.

He waits until BB-8 is gone before he reaches into the pack under head, pulls out the half-empty syringe of pain medication and injects it into his thigh.

~

“You would not believe it, we were stuck in this cave and it was actually really beautiful.” Poe shifts his butt in the chair, it tingling with numbness. “BB-8 was worried about us getting stuck. Then these charges went off. Turns out the whole thing was a trap,” Poe laughs.

“Hey,” Snap approaches Poe. “How’s he doing?”

Poe looks back at Finn, soundly unconscious in his hospital bed. “They don’t know when he’ll wake up, but they are pretty sure he will. Has the General changed her mind?”

He shakes his head. “No off-planet missions. She doesn’t want to risk our base being confirmed as still operational.”

“Fuck that, Finn needs the equipment.” Poe sits back in his chair, numb ass be damned. “He’s important.”

“He’ll be fine, you’ll see,” Snap says, patting Poe’s shoulder. “You did good, saving him from the First Order.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll bring you something to eat, okay?”

“Thanks again, Snap.”

Poe waits until Snap leaves the medical bay before turning back to Finn. He leans in and talks in a low voice so nobody else can hear.

“I miss you already. You gotta wake up so I can watch your face as I tell you about the egg.” He reaches out and holds Finn’s hand, if only for a moment, and feels his chest tighten. There’s something else there, too. Something more. Something he shouldn’t be feeling. Something he hasn’t felt since…Ben.

“Please?”

~

It’s cold when he wakes up at first light. His body aches, but he sits up anyway. Reaching into the pack, he takes just one meal bar and eats it quickly. His thirst makes his mouth taste like scum. Without a second thought he grabs another syringe of pain medication and injects a quarter of it into his thigh. Every jostle and bump from his landing yesterday is screaming in his muscles and bones. He’s not going to be able to walk all day in this pain. Poe manages to tie all the packs together into one pack, tossing them over his shoulder. He reaches back inside the cockpit and grabs his blaster, securing it in his holster.

He supposes that he should inspect the fighter, try to figure out what happened. He walks around it, checking the best he can for blaster damage—which he would have felt the impact at the time. He digs through what he can of the now cold engine but it’s a mess. Nothing extraneous indicating sabotage that he can tell. The old bird just gave up. He should have found his tools back at the base, not borrowed any. He should have had Snap help him do the pre-flight check. There are so many things he could have done, but maybe they wouldn’t have helped. Sometimes things just go wrong. Terribly wrong.

It doesn’t take long to find a stream, and Poe is able to use the tablets and clean a canteen full of water and slog it down as fast as possible. He fills it again, drops in another tablet, and keeps walking. BB-8 could get back to the base sooner, hopefully they’ll send a rescue out by the end of the day and he can go back home to Finn.

The shame of Takodana creeps into his mind. Two missions that should have been walks in the park compared to his previous work and both missions he failed. He doesn’t even know what happened. He’s sure he repaired the fighter. Granted, it wasn’t his most trusted fighter—he lost his girl when it was destroyed on Jakku. He wonders if there wasn’t more damage on this one from the Starkiller mission, it certainly was an older model. Not his girl. She’s gone forever.

So many things gone forever.

But there is something worth fighting for now. Someone worth fighting for. He’s going to go home to Finn. He’s going to tell Finn everything about his past and every terrible thing he has done and not let one more day pass them by without holding Finn while they sleep. Or making love to him. He wants to experience every aspect of Finn, of them together. They are going to win the war. They are going to destroy the First Order and restore the Republic. They are going to see his friend Rey restore the Jedi. He’s going to see Finn grow strong and be right there by his side the whole way. After training, they’ll go back to Poe’s childhood home. Finn can talk to the tree in the garden while Poe cooks them dinner. Maybe they’ll take BB-8 with them into retirement. Get a pet. They’ll die of old age at home, not in the heat of war.

Poe keeps walking.

He stops to take a leak, drink more water, change his bandages and take another antibiotic shot and quarter dose of pain medication. He walks until the light does down and he can’t see in front of him anymore. That’s when he drinks more and eats, taking another half syringe of pain medication and noting he only has two left. He’ll have to ration them if he’s going to make it. Because he is going to make it. He settles his head on his packs and goes to sleep.

~

It’s the cracking of a branch not too far from his position that wakes him up. He stands up suddenly, heart soaring. But he can’t see them, he can’t see any search lights.

“OVER HERE!” Poe shouts, waving his arms over his head.

Branches snap behind him, but he doesn’t get a chance to turn around. There’s the tell-tale sensation of a blaster against his back. He’s been in this position way too many times before. He feels a hard hand on his bicep.

“Don’t move,” a distorted voice says in his hear.

“Fuck, I’m…” he holds his hands in the air in front of him.

Two Stormtroopers appear in front of him, both armed with blasters. There is still one behind him, blaster in his back. “He’s with the Resistance, look at the emblem on the vest,” one of them says.

“What is your name?” the taller one asks.

“Luke Skywalker,” Poe scoffs. This earns him a kick to the back of the knee and he topples to the ground, catching himself on his injured arm and screaming out in pain.

In the dark he knows he has the best shot. Best cover. They can’t see what he’s about to do. He reaches for the blaster in his holster, takes a deep breath, and fires at one of the troopers in front of him. He hits the trooper in the chest. Poe turns around, catching the one behind him off-guard and hitting him in the head. He swivels around but he can’t find the third one. Standing, he sees the third running head, running away. Poe picks up a dropped blaster from the ground and aims for the leg, firing. The trooper falls.

Poe laughs to himself as he walks up to the injured solider, aiming two blasters at him. He kicks the injured man, who grunts from under his mask. He flashes to the Destroyer, the way the blue rushed through his body and make him warm and thrumming with desire. The desire of suffering and pain. The sounds the Stormtrooper is making on the ground. The person who tried to kill him. Not a person, a Stormtrooper. He’s gasping and grunting and clutching wounds in pain and its…good. Let him suffer.

Because this Stormtrooper means that there is a First Order presence on the planet and that the man that he loves is not safe.

It is Poe’s job to keep him safe. At all costs.

“Now you are going to tell me why you are here, how many of you are here and what your orders are,” Poe smirks, “or I will make re-conditioning look like a day at the beach.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, please comment and let me know you are still reading! I try to respond to each comment as I truly appreciate the feedback and take it into consideration when writing. THANKS GUYS!


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe gets the information he needs, but it comes at a great cost.

“Where is your ship?”

The Stormtrooper is silent.

Poe reaches down and peels off the trooper’s helmet. The man can’t be much older than twenty-four. His white skin almost glows under the moonlight, clearly pale from the lack of sun or light it sees on any given day. In the low light his eyes look black and his short red hair practically glitters. The look on his face, the expression of fear coupled with glossy eyes and a trembling jaw is freakishly empowering. Fear he can work with, fear he can understand.

Before he can open is mouth to ask again, the trooper kicks his leg and he falls to his knees, one of his blasters falling out of his hand. Poe scrambles to retrieve it before his charge, when he feels a fist to his back, right in the kidney. Grunting through the shocking pain, he reaches it and turns around on his back, two blasters aimed. Panting, the trooper slides down on his back again. Standing, Poe towers over the trooper, deciding whether or not to blaster his skull open now or just wait. So he kicks the trooper in the face, loving the sound his teeth make when the clatter with the sole of his boot.

“Now,” he says, slinging the larger blaster behind his back. “What is your designation?”

“JJ-1602,” he spits, a small amount of blood spattering on the chest plate.

“Have you ever been through reconditioning, JJ-1602?” Poe twirls his blaster just a little to amuse himself. “Have you?”

“I’ve heard about it.”

“I’ve been through it. I know exactly what it’s like. So do you believe me when I say that I am going to make you suffer unless you give it up. Now, what are you doing on this planet?”

“Just kill me like you did the others,” JJ-1602 says. “I won’t tell you.”

He feels red hot fire in his bones as he takes his blaster and whips the trooper, knocking him out cold. Under the light of the moon, he raids the supply bag that the troopers had, finding rope. Peeling off each individual piece of white Stormtrooper armor, he drags his hostage to a nearby tree and ties him up, his arms wrapped behind the trunk and his ankles together in front of him. It isn’t until Poe is done that he slumps against a tree trunk of his own and notices his arm is bleeding. He rips off the red bandages to find that in the struggle he’s torn a few stitches. It doesn’t take him long to clean and replace the torn stitches. He takes half a syringe of pain medication, knowing full well he’s going to run out soon, when he sees it.

A small black zippered pouch at the bottom of the kit.

Exhausted and scared, Poe opens it to reveal three syringes of pink. Pink. The one that makes it so you feel but can’t move and can’t stop it. He rolls his head back so it’s resting on the tree trunk and looks up through the branches. Arms that twist with leaves for fingertips that block specific small beams of moonlight. It’s so beautiful, the way they dance in the air, guided in dance by an invisible lead. He holds the pouch tightly in his hands, wondering what the meaning of this possession is. Is carrying Pink a standard for Stormtroopers? Have they been ordered to take specific people alive? Could this be a message from Hux? The only way to save Finn is to find out what the First Order is planning on D’Qar because the Pink changes the game. It’s no longer a simple invasion and destruction of the Resistance base. They are here to take someone alive. To torture them. Take them to General Hux, Kylo Ren or Leader Snoke.

He looks over to his hostage before setting down the pouch and getting comfortable. He needs a nap to allow his body to heal.

~

“I’m Poe,” he puts out a hand. “You must be Rey.”

The woman nods, shaking his hand. “They say Finn’s going to be just fine.”

“Yeah.”

Poe studies Rey’s face as she stares at their fallen friend. Her hair is stacked in three loops down the back of her head, stray strands sticking out and stiff with sweat. Freckles are still visible through dried sweat and streaks of dirt. Her brown eyes look so tired and fierce at the same time. Her mouth is parted slightly, small breaths escaping with the rise and fall of her lungs. Her rags cling to her body functionally, with the draping of excess muslin around her legs adding some femininity to her appearance. From what Finn told him while they were waiting to brief the team on the attack on Starkiller, she is an orphan who grew up on Jakku scavenging old Destroyers. A life lived in the shattered remains of the Empire. Quite like Poe’s. A giant shadow over each action taken, a lifestyle carved out of someone else’s war.

“We should give the doctors some space,” Poe says. “You look like you could use a meal.”

She looks at him and closes her lips, letting the corners turn up just slightly. “Yes, thank you.”

The mess hall is empty at this time of the night, but Poe digs around the kitchen and finds enough to eat for them both. He hands Rey a tray and is amused at her gluttony. She eats with her fingers, licking them after each bite and inhaling her food like she’s afraid Poe is going to take it from her. When she’s finally done, she lifts the plate to lick it before locking eyes with him.

“Sorry, old habits,” she sets it down and takes a drink of tea.

“You still hungry?” Poe holds out a cake for her.

Shaking her head, she lets a real smile show. “I’m good now. Thank you, Commander Dameron. Poe.”

“Of course,” he sets his food down and cradles his own mug of tea in his hands. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

Rey’s eyes drop. “He knew he was going to die on that gangwalk. I could feel it.”

“Feel it?”

She nods. “I have the Force.” Her voice sounds incredulous, a truth she states without having yet accepted it herself. “I couldn’t hear anything Han was saying to Kylo Ren, but I could feel it. I could feel what Kylo Ren was thinking.” She closes her eyes and tenses her jaw. “Maybe the link from earlier was still there.”

“He read your mind too?” Poe swallows, shivering at the memory of his own violation.

“He tried, but I was able to resist. I…” she opens her eyes and looks at Poe. “When he was talking to Han, he was thinking about himself as a child. Sitting on Han’s lap, being tucked in at night. I saw it. His real name, who he used to be. I saw his sadness.”

His stomach drops. “Ben Solo.”

“Yes,” she searches Poe’s eyes. “How did you know?”

Rey’s words cut through him like a lightsaber. Poe’s shaking as he stands, walking away from Rey and leaving her alone in that empty mess hall. He manages to make it to the toilets before he throws up. He slumps to the ground in front of the toilet, forcing his eyes not to cry. Rey must be wrong.

“Why is this the memory you chose to revisit tonight?”

He looks up to see his Jedi self, standing in the doorway of the toilet. His robes sweep the ground, covering his boots. It’s ethereal and serene, but it doesn’t stop Poe from shaking.

“Because it’s another time I lost,” Poe replies, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. “Finding out that Ben was alive and had turned into…that loss was worse than death.”

“Are you afraid of losing Finn?”

“Deathly.” He looks up at his wiser self. “I will do anything not to lose him again.”

“I feel your temptation. Fear only leads to more suffering. You can’t allow the Dark Side to…”

Poe stands. “The Dark Side is the only thing strong enough to protect him!” He turns around to see them standing in the woods, his hostage tied up and passed out. “I’m not,” he shakes his head. “I’m not even going to that place. I’m just resisting the light. It’s not the same thing.”

He looks back to see himself, clad in those same brown Jedi robes, approaching him. His robes dance and sway in the moonlight as he moves and Poe is almost angry at his presence. “Go, leave me,” Poe warns.

“All Finn wants is your love and your trust.”

“Which he has. Love won’t save him though,” Poe scoffs. “I won’t lose him like I lost my mother. My father. Ben. Han.”

“At what cost? Poe,” the Jedi takes his hand. “You are quickly venturing towards a path that he cannot follow.”

“Doesn’t matter, as long as he’s alive.” Poe turns away from the mirror-image Jedi. “I have to do what needs to be done to protect him.”

“He can fight for himself. Poe Dameron, perhaps it is you that needs protecting. Stop fighting me.”

“GET OUT!”

~

Poe wakes up to the sound of his hostage coughing. He reaches for his blaster and aims it, even though he knows the Trooper can’t get away like this. Pocketing the zippered pouch, Poe takes his time to drink from a canteen and eat a meal bar before standing and approaching JJ-1602.

“I found something interesting,” Poe says. “Care to explain your mission?”

“We,” 1602 gasps after coughing, “we were sent to patrol this area. An X-Wing was spotted making patrols here last week so groups of us were strategically placed to monitor the recon flights.” He looks up at Poe. “That’s all I’m giving you.”

“See, that is where you are wrong,” Poe kneels in front of him. “There are people on this planet that I love.”

“The Resistance is all but destroyed with the elimination of the Republic,” 1602 spits. “Get out while you still can.”

“Is this your way of telling me to take a hike and let you go?” Poe scoffs. “Hux would never let me go, don’t make the mistake of thinking I’m that stupid.”

1602 tilts his head. “You are Poe Dameron.”

“In the fucking flesh.”

Why is Poe even talking to this Trooper? He’s wasting time. If the First Order has scout troops out tracking their recon flights then surely an attack on the base is eminent. Finn is alone and not safe. Leia needs to be evacuated. Snap, Jessica, Kare…all the refugees. The heart of the Resistance is all in the same place at the same time. He could kick himself for how stupid this all was. He should have ordered them split up and in a safer place a long time ago. He should have taken Leia’s offer and left for home, leaving this mission behind. He should have been more willing to give up his entire life to save Finn’s but he didn’t. He couldn’t. Poe still has vengeance in his heart. Vengeance for General Hux. Vengeance for Ben. That’s what kept him as Commander now.

Poe takes the zippered pouch out of his pocket. “I know what this is.”

1602’s face goes pale. “No, don’t, just kill me.”

Smiling, Poe removes a syringe and kneels over the captive. “Your dear General Hux gave me this. Over and over. He did everything he could to recondition me, and he nearly succeeded. I almost killed Finn, the man I love, for him. So surely you’ll quickly tell me about the orders for this planet.”

“Finn?” The Trooper almost snickers, a coat of sweat covering his skin, indicating his wounds are already infected. “The Traitor? He’s to be taken hostage and kept alive. Tortured, beaten, and delivered directly to General Hux to be finished.”

Poe punches 1602 in the face, taking a syringe of Pink and poising to inject it when he stops, only briefly. He knows he’s feeding the Dark Side, but it doesn’t matter. He has to protect Finn. So he plunges the needle into his hostage’s neck and depresses the plunger.

Tossing his blaster over to his packs and pulls out his knife. He silently watches at JJ-1602 realizes what’s happening and desperately tries to struggle against the Pink and the ropes but fails. He eyes get glossy, his face drains of color, and his breaths get fast and shallow. It’s all so…good. His body rushes with desire and pleasure and Poe rolls his eyes in the back of his head for just a moment. Kneeling in front of the hostage, using his knife to cut open the black shirt that was under his armor. He exposes most of his stomach before slowly dipping the tip of the knife into his skin, relishing in the screams and sobs coming from 1602.

His pants tighten. Poe’s pulse quickens and the adrenaline and lust makes him drive his knife deeper. Poe is so delighted that he can barely catch his breath with each twist of the knife, each scream.

“Tell me,” he manages to say, unable to resist the urge to palm himself over his pants. He can practically feel Hux breathing in his ear.

“You….jjjjusst go,” the hostage says. “Deedddead by nye…nightfall. Gen…Leia….trtrtraitor. You.” He struggles through the pink, trying not to show fear but failing. “Tttake you ali…three. Of you.”

“There’s an attack planned for today? Are they taking the General and Finn hostage? Are they looking for me?” Poe laughs. “They will never defeat the Resistance.”

_Poe opens his eyes and looks up at Finn, who has managed to just finish freeing his wrist and is working on his ankles. He meets Finn’s eyes and Finn nods as if to say that he knows Poe has a plan. Poe does have a plan. He turns from Finn and looks up at Hux._

He slides back, sitting on his heels, and drops the knife in the dirt. He closes his eyes to focus on the Force inside him, the Dark Side wisps through his body in black smoky clouds. It calls to him, begs him to pick up the knife and play. Gut this traitor from jaw to groin and coat his hands with the blood. It screams to exact revenge on anyone who would hurt his love, to protect Finn at all costs. Only with that Darkness can Poe be strong enough to do just that, it sings. It tries to convince him that JJ-1602 isn’t just like Finn, a scared child taken from home. Tries to paint the Stormtrooper bleeding before him as an inhuman tool of the First Order, sent to deliver pain and suffering to Poe and his love. Sent to destroy. It tries to convince him that the only way to protect Finn was to harness this side of the Force.

He makes eye contact with the man, right, man, tied up before him. He feels his own tears sting his eyes and watches it mirrored in 1602.  The man without a family or a name. “I’m going to call you Jay.”

“Wha…”

“I’m sorry,” Poe cries. “I…” he shakes his head, ashamed and scared of himself. “I’m so sorry Jay.”

Standing on shaky legs, he stands and goes to his pack, picking up the blaster. He turns, aims at Jay’s head and fires.

Poe doesn’t look back at the body as he packs up his things and starts walking.

~

A crack of thunder is followed by rain, first droplets plop around and on him until they gather quickly, rain pelting him like a thousand daggers. The rain is cold, the wind driving it down at an angle perfect for hitting him in the face. He thinks about Jay and how close he came to letting the Dark Side take over. He will protect Finn, but he will fight that darkness as much as he can. It would break Finn’s heart if he knew, and that disappointment is a face almost worse than death in Poe’s eyes.

It’s dusk, almost nightfall, and he’s not home yet. He has to get back, has to. Poe starts to run, ignoring the fact that he’s probably too late to evacuate the base. But maybe they can still mount some sort of resistance against the onslaught. He could try getting Leia and Finn off the base. His legs are on fire from the stress and he is sweating buckets. His arm aches and he’s out of pain medication. He’s in no position to fly a fighter but he doesn’t have a choice.

 “Poe?”  

Poe turns, aiming his blaster at the man emerging from the woods next to him. He recognizes the person clad in a green cape and helmet and lowers his blaster. “Barclay, what are you doing out here?”

“We’re running nighttime drills. Shit, I thought you were on recon. What happened?”

“I crashed, look, the First Order is on the planet. They are going to attack the base by nightfall. How far away are we?”

Barclay’s face drains of color. “We won’t get back in time.” He whistles and several more Resistance Pathfinders emerge. “This isn’t a drill anymore, we gotta radio back to base.”

One man hands the comm to Barclay, who passes it to Poe. He grabs it, hands shaking from exhaustion. Not panic, he’s a professional. Time to stay the course and get the job done. “This is Black Leader to base, Black Leader to base.”

The comm link crackles. “Go ahead Black Leader.”

“The First Order is coming to attack the base, they’ll be there by dark. You have to evacuate the General and Finn. Repeat, evacuate the General and Finn. All pilots man ships, get in the air. Anyone who can hold a blaster should. Do you copy?”

“Copy that. Stay safe out there, Poe.”

“Commander, your orders?” Barclay asks as Poe hands him the comm.

“Keep a perimeter, there are Stormtroopers on the ground.” Poe grabs the blaster he took off of 1602—Jay—and brings it around to his front. “I have to get back to base.”

“Not alone,” Barclay motions for two men to step forward. “You need cover.”

He clasps a hand to Barclay’s shoulder. “Thanks man.”

Poe doesn’t hear Barclay’s reply over the gut-wrenching familiar scream of TIE Fighter’s in the sky above them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments let me know what you like/hate!


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe arrives back at the Resistance Base, but the First Order has already invaded.

All he can hear is blood rushing through his ears. All he can feel is his heart pounding in his chest. All he can taste is the tang of his breath passing over his dry tongue. All he can see is trees lit by the moon. So many trees. Their tall, strong trunks stand passive yet resolute in his way. At one point, two string sets of arms stop him, hand him water, change a bandage on his…head? He thinks, he can’t be sure. They give him a shot. Pain medication, saying something about ‘just enough to keep going, Commander.’ The distinct blaster sounds from TIE Fighters ring overhead now. He doesn’t look up. He doesn’t want to look up as he hears the roar of an X-Wing and thundering blaster chasing the TIE.

It isn’t until they reach the lake that the battle confronts them head-on. Flanking out through the trees, Poe starts weaving behind trunks and firing at the horde of Stormtroopers. Several Pathfinders and armed citizens are stomping through the very place they camped all that time ago. For every Stormtrooper that gets taken out, three of the Resistance falls. From the shining blaster beams dancing through the trees in the distance, he learns that this is only one of the many scenes surrounding the base. They are outnumbered and vulnerable. The lights look almost pretty as they dance through the dark, glittering in the rain and disappearing behind tree trunks. Poe fires and advances, waltzing through those very trees to get closer and closer to the base.

So many trees.

When he finally breaks through the trees into the expanse of green, he sees the totality of the invasion. Bodies litter the grass, both Stormtrooper and Resistance. Citizen refugees of all ages big enough to carry a weapon lay bloodied and dead, the remains a minefield of loss between Poe and the tarmac. TIE’s fly low, laying blasts into the bay doors, the hangar and at groups of civilians just trying to run away. For the most part, the Stormtroopers seem to be keeping to the forests and letting the pilots do all the work. Now that it’s dark, the orange glow of the fires ranging from the blast hits add to the moonlight to set the stage of the attack. Another scene of terrifying beauty, Poe allows himself to realize. He looks up to see X-Wings protecting small transports as they attempt to escape the planet. He watches one explode in the sky, raining debris on the grass in front of him, while the fighters that failed to protect it begin an aggressive assault on the TIE Fighters that brought it down.

Poe dashed into the field, leaping and weaving around the flaming wreckage of mines of bodies as he runs onto the tarmac. He grabs the nearest person he can find—a Pathfinder.

“Did the General and her cohort get off world?” he yells over the roar of fire and blasters.

The woman shakes her head. “I don’t know, we were ordered to protect civilian evacuations, but…”

“Keep fighting, there are still people left to save,” Poe says, parting from the woman. He runs around, finding a carrier being loaded with refugees on the other side of the now burning hangar. That’s when he sees Jessica clad in her orange flight suit, ushering people aboard.

“JESSICA!” He approaches her, grabbing her shoulders. “Where are Leia and Finn?”

“I was told they got on board right before I got here,” she points to the carrier. “The General refused to leave and Finn must have stayed with her.” She leans in closer. “Just remember the spice.”

“What?”

“Kare said you’d figure it out, I don’t know.”

“I gotta find a fighter, so I can lead the protective detail,” Poe replies. His heart soars knowing that they are still alive while his anger seethes and Leia’s stubborn-ness.

“Good luck, they are all either in the sky or destroyed.” She gasps. “BB-8 got here an hour before this happened, we were mounting a rescue. It’s so damned good to see you.”

“Wait,” he turns around, looking for a downed TIE he could fly when he spots the Falcon. “I’ll take the Falcon.”

“Leia ordered it abandoned, says it’s too easy to track. It’s a target.”

“It’s my only chance,” he looks at the carrier and then back to Jessica. “Tell Finn I love him and I’ll see him as soon as we find a safe place to land.”

“Will do, Black Leader,” Jessica says.

He runs towards the Falcon, taking out two Stormtroopers with his blaster before entering the ship. Once in the captain’s chair, he fires the old bird up, her controls almost rote memory from all the training he did on this ship so long ago. He reaches for the comm when he realizes that he doesn’t have a co-pilot or a gunner. He can’t protect the carrier without backup.

“Poe to Snap, this is Poe calling for Black Leader,” he says into the comm, knowing Snap would have assumed the command title in his absence.

“Fuck, Poe,” Snap comes in. “Where are you?”

“I’m on the ground, with the last carrier. I’ll fly detail and get them off planet but I don’t have a gunner so I’m going to have play bait.”

“Stay safe, Poe,” Snap says.

“I’ll meet you at…”

“I highly doubt that, Captain.”

Poe feels the strong arms of two Stormtroopers pull him out of his chair and drag him backwards. He’s cuffed and spun around, coming face to face with General Hux.

“I know you came for us,” Poe spits. “I found some Pink on your scouts. You need us alive.”

“Nice little love note, wasn’t it? I was taking a gamble that you’d never see it but I am oh so glad you did,” the General sneers.

“The General and the Traitor you are looking for where the first evacuated, they are long gone,” Poe bluffs.

“See, my men have visual confirmation that they are on that carrier. The one you are supposed to fly detail for. Let’s go see, shall we? You look so much more beautiful when your hair wetly clings to your face.”

Poe struggles the entire way to the tarmac, not responding to Hux’s subtle little drops at his former control over him. Once in front of the carrier he is forced to his knees. Looking up, Poe sees Jessica on the ground in the same position, five other troopers standing guard over the carrier. Standing between him and Finn. One approaches Jessica and holds a blaster to her head, awaiting his orders.

“Poe, it’s not what you think…” she starts before the Stormtrooper knees her in the back to shut her up.

“See, Supreme Leader Snoke wants them, and you, alive. He believes that Kylo Ren killing you himself will make him stronger, completely destroy his past and whatnot.” The General tisks from his position behind Poe. “But see, I know Snoke is wrong. He is too dependent on Ren, on the Force. The Force is weak, for it wavers. No one Jedi can ever fully give in to the Dark Side. I’ve seen it. Our parents saw it with Darth Vader. But men, true men, can commit. They are not weak. I am not weak. If Ren is unable to shed his own past, unable to have his closure by killing you himself, he will forever remain weakened. Lacking the absolution of the destruction of the Light Side. If I am the one to eliminate that variable, I permanently cripple the Master of the Knights of Ren.”

“And in turn, what?” Poe asks.

“I am the First Order, Commander Dameron,” Hux kneels behind him, his breath hot in his ear. “What is left of the galaxy will bow to me and be mine. And you, I considered keeping you. I still just might. Kylo Ren told me of his childhood love. The man he gave it up for. I had to have my taste. I still haven’t had all of you, not yet, and for some reason your taste consumes me,” Hux nuzzles his ear. “But on the other side, you do symbolize a part of Ren’s past. As long as you live, there is still potential for him to rise. I cannot risk that, now can I?”

A thousand retorts fly through Poe’s head, all of them meaningless. He stares at the open hatch of the carrier and projects all the apologies, all the regrets and all the love he has towards his Jedi, getting nothing in return. Maybe the pain medication made his Force weak. Perhaps Finn is too scared to listen form him. The rain begins to drive hard, pounding shards into his shoulders through the tears of his flight suit. The only thing he can hear over the rush of blood in his head is the patter of water falling so innocently, framing the final scene.

This is how the Resistance ends. This is how they die.                                                                                 

“POE the spice…don’t forget the spice,” Jessica says over the rain. “It’s not what you think!”

Poe watches General Hux step in front of him, great cape teasing the air around him with the gusts of wind, rain drops sliding off and spraying around him. He nods to the trooper holding his blaster on Jessica and the trooper fires. Jessica’s body hits the pavement with a thud and a splash. He watches the other Stormtroopers throw round spheres inside the carrier and step back.

Poe feels the heat on his face from the fireball as the carrier explodes.

He stares, feeling the pain of his death already. Somehow he imagined Finn’s death hurting more. His sensitivity screaming to him like Leia’s when Han died. His body turn in on itself, his bones threatening to shake so hard they shatter under his skin. He thought he’d scream and cry and beg for Finn’s life but instead he stares into the flames as they lick the wreckage. Some debris landed on top of Jessica’s body, consuming it as part of its own carnage. He thought this would hurt more. Instead he feels numb. His body feels heavy and numb and none of this feels real.

The General turns to face Poe, a smile on his face. He raises a hand, probably to motion for a Stormtrooper to kill him, when a blaster hits him in the shoulder and throwing him to the ground. Poe feels a struggle behind him and two big warm arms lifting him up and pull him back. They dispatch of his cuffs while Chewbacca comes into view, running towards General Hux with his arms up and ready to pummel him. Poe sees blue blaster bolts come from his side and he turns his head to see Snap firing. He watches the bolts hit their white armor-clad marks, dropping them to the ground. It’s not fast enough, and they aren’t hitting Hux. Poe watches Hux reach for a fallen blaster and aim it at Chewie, firing two shots into the Wookie’s chest. Chew falls to his knees and roars, clearly hurt. He can’t tell if it’s him or Snap that’s screaming as they run over to his fallen friend and try to get him up.

Poe reaches for a blaster, but Hux is already up and gone, running away with his back towards them. Poe starts to chase them when Snap yells for help. Poe doesn’t turn back, he keeps running, chasing the General around the hangar and to an awaiting First Order transport. It’s only the size of a TIE Fighter, which tells him that Hux is probably alone now. He looks down at the trail of blood dotting various puddles of rain and he swears he can smell it. Each drop lit by fire and moonlight, the tapping of raindrops and the smell of smoke, blood and grass dancing through the air. It’s the perfect setting for the end.

He walks towards Hux with less urgency now that he’s been seen. Certainty. Confidence. Unarmed, he approaches his former captive with resolution. The freedom of his choice to keep walking giving him the power that only moments ago was stripped away with the explosion of the carrier.

“This doesn’t end well for you,” Hux gasps, wincing in pain. At some point, he lost his hat and the rain has washed his normally articulate hair around his face. He favors his injured shoulder, pale skin growing even whiter with the loss of blood in the dim lighting.

“But it ends, right?” Poe asks, stopping within arm’s length of him. “This is how it ends. You’ve ensured that, no?”

Admiring the color of his eyes, the cut of his jaw and the sensation of a gloved hand being brought to his cheek as Hux closes the distance between them, Poe contemplates a different order of events. One in which he had not rebelled against Hux, where he killed Finn when ordered. Further back when he didn’t kiss Ben at the lakeshore. A few days ago when he didn’t take this mission and decided to go home. Take Finn with him. Or not. An order in which Finn was still alive. An order that won’t happen and doesn’t matter anymore.

He doesn’t see the blade, but he knows it’s there. He feels it. Pressure, intense pressure pinpointed low in his gut. Just as expected. Hux brings his mouth to Poe’s ear as he pulls the man further onto the blade, whispering.

“I have.”

Falling to the ground, he looks up to see General Hux dropping the bloodied knife into a puddle at his feet. He turns and walks away, staggering only slightly, and enters his transport. Poe rolls onto his side and hears the ship leave the tarmac. He resists the urge to cover the wound and stop the bleeding. It’s starting to burn now, sending a screaming fire through him. Breathing becomes hard, the very air feeling like it is on fire. Only fitting, he thinks. Going out burning as his love did. He doesn’t cry or moan or gasp he just lays in the rain and waits for the darkness to fetch him.

Snap is screaming, on his knees at his side now. Trying to pick him up. That’s when Poe fights. He tries to kick and punch and scream to be left there, but Snap won’t have it. He screams about not wanting to be saved, about needing to die here on this soil. About how there are still refugees on the planet and in orbit that need Snap. He doesn’t want to live. Not now.

So when Snap pulls his hand back and slugs him in the face, Poe welcomes the darkness.

~

“Fuck, fuck fuck no you gotta stay with me Chewie.”

Poe wakes up on the med bed in the Falcon. He’s stripped of his jumpsuit, wearing only his underpants. His wounds are bandaged and he has a fluid port in the back of his hand. The bandage on his stab wound is soaked with blood, almost dripping down the side of his torso. The cool air hits his raw skin and cause shim to shiver. His soul aches and his gut is still burning, but not as intense. A dull, consistent smoldering that comes with pain medication.

Chewie is on the floor on his back, motionless, surrounded by medical equipment. Snap is kneeling next to him, thrusting his palms into his chest. Snap is trying to restart Chewie’s heart. Poe’s body starts moving, before he can even process. He rips out the port and stumbles across the room, falling at Snap’s side. He sees the massive blaster wounds to Chewie’s chest and the pool of blood beneath him. He stepped in between Hux and him without a weapon. He tried to save his life. Those last moments of a great warrior and friend were spent to protect him. A gift that can never be repaid. Not now.

Snap is putting his whole body into each compression, sobs escaping on each exhale of breath. Poe grabs Snap’s shoulder and pulls him back.

“He’s gone,” he whispers.

“P…Poe,” Snap turns to him, eyes filled with tears. “You have to get back in bed, you’re bleeding out.”

He lets Snap drag him back into the bed, not fighting. He’s in pain, a pain so deep and aching that nothing can even begin to repair the new canyon he has become. Snap’s face is red, his hair still damp from the rain, his flight suit speckled with blood spray. Probably not his, Poe supposes. Tears stream down his cheeks and roll into his beard.

“They’re all gone,” Poe whispers.

“Kare radio’d in,” Snap replies, making quick work of replacing Poe’s bandages and applying almost his entire body weight in pressure on the stab wound. “She’s taking a group of refugees to Jakku. She’s heard from others, apparently a lot of people made it out after all. I sent BB-8 with her, by the way. Her astrometric wasn’t working.”

“Why did you come back for me?” Poe asks.

“I had to.”

“Chewie died coming back for me.”

“He insisted when he heard your voice over the radio,” Snap sighs. “We have to get you to a doctor, I can’t fix this. Of course punching you didn’t help but you wouldn’t stop fighting me, I couldn’t get you on board.”

“Finn,” he chokes out. “Finn…”

“Look, we need to get you to a doctor. I can go lay in coordinates and be to one within an hour. Then we have to get to Yavin-4.”

“Yavin-4?” Poe asks, his whole body feeling weak.

“Did Jessica tell you about the spice?”

Poe nods. “Yeah, she said it wasn’t what I thought it was or something…” he swallows.

“The spice, Poe. That’s the code word for the rendezvous. Those stupid spice cookies you like, anyone would know it meant your home planet. I’m taking you home, Poe. We can figure out the rest from there.”

“There’s nothing to figure out. Finn is dead. He was on that carrier that exploded, Snap.”

“Poe, he wasn’t on that carrier.”

His head is spinning, eyes frantically searching for anything in Snap’s face that could betray this obviously false words he’s saying. Anything that can indicate that he’s still dreaming, that none of this is real. It can’t be…he saw the carrier explode. Jessica…she wouldn’t have lied to him. Not about Finn.

“What?”

“Decoys, Poe. Leia mentioned that Padme Amidala used to use decoys so we found two people to step in and had them stay until the last carrier. They accepted the mission, Poe and it worked.”

“What worked?” his heart stops.

“Poe, Finn is alive.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some very strong opinions on tagging fic, so if you are upset about a missing tag it wasn't a mistake. It's not like JK Rowling tagged Dumbledore's death on her book cover...right?


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After almost dying, Poe opens up to Snap about Ben Solo and his fear of turning Dark Side. They make their way to Yavin-4 in search of Finn and Leia.

Everything is gone. Whatever ‘everything’ is. It’s not white or black, but it’s nothing. He can’t even fathom this nothing. It transcends anything he could possibly know. Does he know anything? Doesn’t matter.

What he does know is the peace and finality that swirls through him. This feeling isn’t scary, he doesn’t want to run or hide or explain. Simply being present in this—place?—feeling?—is all he ccould ever need. This is something he could understand. It’s all he’s ever known and all he has ever been.

A bolt of light shocks into his field of vision. Once, twice. A voice. Is that what it is? A noise? He hears a sound.

‘Come on.’

He doesn’t understand it, but it seeps familiarity. He’s drawn to it. Should he answer?

~

“Mommy says I have to say I’m sorry.”

Poe stands in the middle of his room, holding his torn book in his hands and trying not to cry like the big kid he is. He really hates Ben Solo. First this dumb little baby breaks his arm and now he destroys the journal his mom gave him only a few days before she got sick.

“My mom gave me this,” Poe says, really holding back his tears.

“I wanted to see it, I just wanted you to share,” Ben says. “You should share.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have broken my arm.”

“I SAID I WAS SORRY!” Ben shouts. “I even got you a book to say I was sorry.”

“It was stupid. You are stupid. Stupid Ben Solo who ruins everything.” Poe does start crying. “You ruined my life and I hate you!”

“You are mean and I am not sorry!” Ben cries back, reaching out his tiny five-year-old fist and hitting Poe in the chest.

Poe screams in anger, dropping his journal and moving to hit Ben back. He punches Ben in the shoulder and the little kid hits the ground. Standing over him, he reaches his hand back in the air to strike him when he smells smoke.

“The book!” Ben screams, pointing behind Poe.

Poe turns around to see his book on fire, the pages being licked by flames.

“BOYS!” Leia bursts into the room, running to the room and stomping on the pages. Poe watches as the last thing he has from his mother turns to black dust under Leia’s feet.

“STOP IT!” Poe yells, trying to grab at her.

“MOMMY DON’T DO THAT!” Ben shouts at her, standing at Poe’s side. “YOU ARE KILLING HIS BOOK.”

She stops when a chair goes flying across the room.

~

‘Try again.’

Another bolt of light. Try? Is this what that light is called? Try. He should move his body. He should go towards those bolts of light.

The light flashes again.

‘We have to get him back, I’m not losing him.’

Him? Lose. He remembers that word. Lose. He lost so much, he can feel it. But what did he lose? He can’t remember.

‘Come on, Poe, come back to us.’

Come back. Poe. What does this mean? Why is he draw to the Try?

~

He’s thirsty from crying. He’s been crying ever since Leia sent him to his room. When his father came in to talk to him about saying mean things to Ben and how he’s just a little kid that he needs to be more patient. Poe pads his bare feet down the hall to see the light in the main sitting room is still on. Dad must be awake. He doesn’t want to get in trouble for leaving his bed. Before turning around to go back to bed, he hears a different voice.

“He’s too young.” It’s not his father, but it is an adult.

“I’m worried,” Leia’s whisper floats in. “Could he be stronger than we think?”

“Han isn’t Force sensitive, it would be very unlikely that Ben could be that strong so soon,” the other male voice speaks again.

“You said it started on fire?” his father asks.

“They were shouting and I went in there and then the book was on fire,” Leia says. “Do you think it was Poe?”

“Leia…” his Dad interrupts.

“Leia, could you leave us?” the other voice asks. Poe hears the door to their apartment close and the man speak again. “Kes, about Shara…”

“Don’t say it, Luke. We aren’t having this conversation…”

Poe doesn’t bother with his drink, he just runs back into his bed and covers his head with the blanket. He’s in so much trouble for starting a fight with Ben Solo. The stupid baby.

~

The Try shines again. No, it’s not called that. It’s a light. He feels drawn to it and he moves. He has to try. That’s it, he thinks.

‘He’s gone.’

‘No, one more time.’

He should move towards it. A sense of profound loss begins to cloud the nothing. It makes him feel his body. Pain. He hurts and he wants to escape it.

‘Come back Poe.’

Poe. That’s his name. They are calling to him. He turns from the loss and runs.

~

His body is still floating when he opens his eyes. He’s in a hospital, a large bay with other beds and other patients. There is a monitor on his head and a machine next to him beeping with his heartbeat. He looks to see Snap holding his hand and smiling at him.

“You are awake, HEY” Snap calls for a nurse. “He’s awake.”

A droid approaches them and begins to check his monitors. “Patient Dameron is doing well. I will summon the physician.”

“Where?” he asks, throat dry.

“Gordian-7, in the Reach. We are close to the Yavin System,” Snap smiles, squeezing his hand. “We’ve been here for three days.”

“Patient Dameron,” a human male approaches, clad in the traditional medical clothing for this sector. “Your brother isn’t the only one glad to see you are awake.”

Poe looks to Snap, who just nods for him to go with it. “What…happened?”

“You lost a lot of blood. The wound was deep and managed to puncture some internal structures. Your heart stopped during surgery, but we brought you back and here you are.” The doctor smiles at him and leans in closer to both men. “You’ll find the physicians here are supportive of the Resistance.”

“Thank you,” Poe says. “How long do I have to stay?”

“I’d like to keep you for at least two more days just to make sure you recover, but if you have someone to care for you and are near medical professionals I could release you.”

“Thanks Doc,” Snap says. He waits for the doctor to leave before turning back to Poe. “We’ll get you out of here and go find Finn.”

“He’s really alive?” Poe’s eyes start to well up. “You weren’t just saying that to keep me…”

“He left the planet alive before the invasion hit, I put them on that transport myself. Now I’m going to go find you some water, and I’m starving. I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Thanks, Snap.” Poe squeezes his hand before he leaves.

He waits until he’s alone to cry. His body aches, but he can feel the pain in the background of the medication. He can’t believe everything that’s happened in the past two days, well, before he passed out. So many people are gone, so much of the Resistance has been destroyed. How are they going to rebuild enough of an army to take down the First Order? Is it too late now? They have no choice now but to retire, on Yavin-4, until the planet crumbles under their feet.

Snap returns in time with water, a meal for himself and two books for them to read to pass the time. They don’t talk, somehow it feels like they both know the hope is gone and the only objective they have now is to find Leia and Finn and figure out how to live the last days of their lives. He picks up the book and just stares at the pages, realizing only now that he lost all of his things. The books from his childhood. The one Chewbacca gave him. The apology book from Ben for breaking his arm. The leather bound book Finn took such effort to give him. They are gone.

When Poe starts to cry, Snap doesn’t speak. He sets down his book and holds his friend’s hand and cries with him.

~

“Are you sure you can do this?” Snap asks.

“I’m good,” Poe nods, holding a hand over his stomach. “I need to be here.”

“Okay. Let me know if you need some pain medication.”

“No, I’m never taking that again.”

Snap nods and kneels next to the large pyre and lights it. Stepping back before the flames begin to lick the wrapped body that once was Chewbacca, he sits on the fallen tree trunk next to Poe. The woods snaps and crackles. They watch as the smoke and flames lick into the woven branches as they find their way to the corpse of the fallen warrior. Poe closes his eyes and lets the smell of fire permeate every breath, so exhausted from the process of healing that he can’t focus the energy or the Force to stop himself from crying.

“I ran after General Hux because I knew he was going to kill me. Finn was dead and…I knew I didn’t want to be alive.”

“I figured,” Snap sighs.

“I can’t feel him,” he says, staring at the fire.

“Finn?” Snap replies, equally staring.

“We’re in the same system and I can’t feel him.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. You’re injured. You aren’t a Jedi, the Force is a continuum. At least that is what Maz used to say to Finn.”

“I was too scared to let him into my head because of all the terrible things I’ve done. I didn’t want him to have to see that. Or live with it.”

“I know.”

“When I was a kid, I knew Ben Solo. We were friends as children but it grew into more. When we were teenagers we fell in love. When I heard he died, it destroyed me.”

“Finn isn’t dead, remember that Poe.”

“Ben Solo never died. He became Kylo Ren.”

Snap turns his head, mouth open. Poe turns his to meet Snap’s confused eyes. “General Organa is leading the fight against her own son?”

Poe nods, turning back to the flames. “The Ben that I knew ran into me and broke my arm when I was eight. He took me on a camping trip for my 16th birthday and gave me my favorite cake and kissed me for the first time. He was the one who showed me all the amazing feelings my body could have. He’s the first one who broke my heart.”

“Did you know? Back then? The potential for him to turn to the Dark Side?”

“No. I only just recently stopped asking myself the same thing.”

“All this time you helped lead the assault, knowing his death was the order.”

“I’d still do it if that’s what it took. I know now, Ben is gone. Kylo Ren is just using the shell of the boy I used to know. But what really scares me is that I’m going to end up the same.”

“What do you mean, Poe?”

“Back on D’Qar, I ran into some Stormtroopers patrolling. I killed two of them and then tortured the third. I used the same tortures that General Hux used on me. All because I had to know what they were going to do to Finn. I had to know how to keep him safe.”

“Poe…”

“General Hux reconditioned me, you know that. He injected me with drugs that made me like the pain and the torture. He would kiss me and lay with me. He would touch me and convince me that he loved me and that I would be the new Captain of the First Order.” He turns to Snap, who is also crying. “What scares me is that I nearly gave in. If it wasn’t for the operatives Chewie hired coming in at the right time, I would have killed Finn when ordered. What scares me is that this Force inside of me is too easily pulled to that Dark Side. My mother was afraid of the same thing. I think my father somehow knew that I possessed that same potential.”

Snap puts a hand on Poe’s shoulder. “Finn will help you. You know that.”

“I know. And you have helped me. Thank you, Temmin Wexley.”

“I love you. You’re my brother if not by blood and I would do anything for you. And by extension, Finn. We’re going to Yavin-4 in the morning and we are going to find him. The two of you have all the time in the world.”

“Sure,” Poe turns back to the fire. “However long that is.”

~

They decided to hide the Falcon and commissioned a shuttle to Yavin-4 after finding a contact through the Resistance-Sympathizer doctor at the hospital. Poe keeps his eyes closed the entire trip, putting all of his energy into the Force and reaching out to Finn. He collapses twice, his body weakened, and Snap just sets him back in his seat and waits for the flight to end.

The pilot takes them to a trading port on the edge of the Great River. There is some traffic along the main thoroughfare, but it isn’t what he remembered. Poe remembers the trips his father would take to find various supplies and parts for his mother’s A-Wing. It was long enough of a trip they usually spent the night at a local inn before returning home the next day. There used to be a café near the inn that served those cookies that Poe liked so much. His mouth waters walking past the old building, now closed and abandoned.

They find a speeder for sale and Snap produces money out of his pocket to purchase it. They also spend time gathering food, canteens, extra sets of clothing and personal care items because they have no idea how long they’ll have to wait for Finn and Leia. If they haven’t made it yet. Poe suggested they go to his childhood home, which he technically owns. It’s probably fallen into a state of disrepair, but he just knows that Finn would go there. He would be able to feel the energy of the Tree with his Force and would lead Leia there. He doesn’t remember if Leia had ever visited the home when they lived there. Would she recognize it? Is that where they would wait for them?

Poe flies low over the jungle, thinking about how many trees separated him from Finn. So many trees. At this point, Poe would take a desert planet for the rest of his life. The jungle landscape hasn’t changed since he was eight. After the Battle, many fled this planet. So many abandoned little villages dotted the breaks in the trees. But there are still people here in houses and huts. There are still animals grazing near riverbanks. There is still life here, untouched by the current battle raging on across the galaxy.

A break in the trees shows Poe’s home is still standing. He turns off their speeder and leaps out, running across the expanse of the front yard and rounding the back of the house to get to the garden. The Tree. If Finn is here, he’s surely at the Tree. He keeps pushing love and warmth out to Finn, but he can’t feel any in return. His stomach stings with the pull of stitches and he feels the heat of blood flash under the bandage but he doesn’t care. He has to know.

When he gets to the stone path in the garden the sight before him stills him.

Finn is on his knees, back to him, in front of the Force Tree. He’s wearing Poe’s jacket, the repaired scar along the back visible from this distance. Poe gasps, pressing his hand to his stomach and feels tears streaming down his face.

“Finn.”

Finn turns around, seeing Poe. His jaw drops and he struggles to his knees. They walk to each other, Finn’s expression pure disbelief. Finn stops a few feet from him.

“Are you real?”

Poe nods and smiles. “I’m real.”

“I couldn’t…” Finn closes his eyes and lifts a hand.

Poe feels warmth and light and touch and _Finn_ resonate throughout his entire body. He doesn’t fight the intrusion, and he reflects the thought of love back to him. That he went through a lot to get here and that he loves him more than anyone could love anything.

When Finn breaks the connection, they open their eyes and close the distance between them. The kiss is hard and desperate, but warm and comforting. Lips mash against each other, tongues seek sparring between their open mouths. Hands grasp tightly to the body encircled in arms to prevent another loss. Poe feels, for the first time since his mission, that light dance and twirl inside of him again. He feels Finn’s wrap around them both and bond them together in a transcendent wave of everything. The part to breath, resting foreheads against each other.

“I was told you were on a carrier, I watched them blow it up,” Poe sobs.

“I thought you were shot down,” Finn gasps, choking on his own sobs. “BB-8 said there were troops and you were alone and…”

“I’m here. Snap and I are here.”

“Leia, C3PO and R2 are inside.”

“I’m done. Fighting it. It’s time to let you in. Time to show you everything.”

“We’ve got all the time in the world, Poe.”

Poe nuzzles his face into Finn’s neck. Time is really the only thing they do have left now.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I totally started writing the Kylo Ren POV of this whole story and his arc. It will be called Dilate and I'm going to put it as a part in a series with Worthy. It's also going to be super long and super angsty and it will be Kylux with lots of Ren's POV on several of these dreams from this fic. I think those of you who have been with this from the beginning might like the other side of the story, but at the same time I think Kylux fans can read it as a stand alone. I want to finish the first few chapters before I start posting it so it's TB.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Finn reconnect and catch up on all that has happened.

Sitting on the floor of the bathroom, Poe takes gulps of water from a glass at Finn’s insistence. According to Finn he’s pale. He is covered with sweat and he opened his stab wound running out to the garden just a little. Finn is at the sink, washing his hands in the very sink he used to brush his teeth in as a kid. There used to be a small stepstool for him to use when he was really little. Poe smiles at the memory of his father standing behind him as they would brush their teeth together in the mornings. That was back when the house was brighter, lived in. Now the mirror is spattered with grey blotches from the tarnished metal behind the glass. Dust covers many of the surfaces, but not all. Leia must have done some cleaning in an effort to keep her mind busy. The shower curtain is torn, rust stains around the drain. Rust stains in the toilet bowl too, he guesses. Cracks in the walls and water stains around the high-set window prove that Poe should have at least arraigned for someone to keep the place up over the years. Or he should have come home.

Snap knocks before stepping in with a medical kit. He sets it on the counter next to Finn. “Need any help?”

“I can replace stitches, I was trained in field medicine back in the Order,” Finn dries his hands on a small towel. “He tells me he got stabbed back on D’Qar?”

“Spent a day in the hospital,” Snap lowers his voice. “I should have kept him there longer but honestly he’ll do better with you. I made sure to get a good kit. He’s been refusing pain medication but he can handle the needles with the other meds just fine. You say the word and I’ll take him to the nearest clinic.”

“I’m five feet away,” Poe snickers. “I can totally hear you.”

“I don’t care, I should have made you stay. You look like shit, Dameron.” Snap smiles. “C3PO is cooking dinner and I’m going to go help Leia make up the rooms. When he’s all patched up, we need to debrief with Leia. I told her about Chewbacca and Jessica and I think she’s in denial.”

Finn waits until Snap leaves until he grabs the kid and settles on the floor in front of Poe, cramped in the small bathroom. “What happened?”

“Later.”

“Poe.”

“Jessica and Chewbacca didn’t make it.” Poe feels his eyes get hot with tears again. “Jessica died to protect you and Leia and Chewbacca died protecting me from General Hux.”

“I’m so sorry. I wish we could have found you sooner,” Finn wipes away tears of his own and scrambles to remove Poe’s soaked bandage and use disinfectant wipes to clean the area. “I was going to stay and take the trainer out to find you but Leia didn’t want to leave the base. I knew she had to, I couldn’t let her stay. Going with her was the only way to make sure she’d leave. They’d take her to Kylo Ren and…”

“You made the right choice, Finn.” Poe smiles tightly at him, wincing at the pain as Finn applies pressure to stop the last of the bleeding. “I would have done the same thing.”

“I know you would have. Still, didn’t feel right at the time.” Finn leans over to kiss Poe sweetly on the lips. “I’m going to have to put in three stitches. You want the pain medication?”

He shakes his head. “Just keep kissing me.”

“That I can do,” he leans in for another kiss.

After each move of the needle, each knot of stitches, each swipe of the disinfectant, Finn delivers little kisses to his lips, jaw and neck. The whole time, Poe could melt. He cannot believe he was so ready to die back on D’Qar. Poe also notices that Finn isn’t reaching in his mind and he’s very thankful for it but he’s also confused. Finn must be under incredible stress right now and worried about him, he could be reaching in. Poe would let him. There’s nothing more terrifying to him than losing Finn again. He also doesn’t want to question it, not now. After they talk to Leia he can lay down with Finn and spend the rest of their lives figuring it out.

Once Finn is done he bandages Poe and leans in for a much deeper kiss. Poe reaches his hand behind Finn’s neck and depends it, so fucking desperate to be close to him. Finn wraps his arms around him and slinks his body into him, being very careful not to put pressure on his stomach. After a few minutes of kissing and touching, he pulls away.

“Later. Leia needs to see you. She’s been a wreck.” Finn stands up and helps Poe to his feet. “She doesn’t sleep. Sometimes I walk into the room and she bursts into tears.”

“Right. And I need a new shirt,” Poe pants.

They walk out into the main room and see Leia staring out the main window. Snap stands and goes over to their bags near the door, pawing through and finding a plain crème tunic for Poe to put on. He does and leaves Finn’s side to walk to Leia.

“Hi, mom,” he says, putting a hand to her back. “I know you hate when I call you that…”

“You can call me whatever you want, just don’t do that to me again,” she turns around and hugs him tightly. He holds her tightly and is so overwhelmed with his relief.

Even though he’s lost so much, there are at least three people in this room that mean the world to him and that’s a lot more than most have left.

~

“We need to lay low for a few more days,” Snap says from his spot on the armchair. Poe’s father’s old chair. “I’m not leaving until Poe is on the mend. Then I have to figure out how to get in touch with Kare. She and I have to find out what is left of the Resistance and try to recruit.”

“We have to find Luke and Rey,” Finn adds. “Surely she is strong enough by now to start fighting back.”

“I trust Luke…” Leia starts.

“No!” Finn stands up from his spot next to Poe, anger rolling off of him. “Didn’t he start all this? How can we trust a man who ran away from what he did to his own nephew?” Finn storms out of the room and soon they hear footsteps on the stairs leading to the bedrooms.

“Finn,” Poe stands. “I’m sorry,” he turns to Leia.

“He knows? About Ben?” she asks.

“Yeah, so does Snap.” He swallows. “I need to go after him. I trust you two will figure it out.”

Poe doesn’t want for a reply from either before walking up the stairs. He doesn’t pause as he passes old framed photographs of his parents, of him as a child, of various drawings or paintings he did growing up. He can look at them later. He’ll sit on the stairs with Finn and tell him about each and every single one. Poe gets to the landing and follows the old familiar hallway down to his old room but Finn isn’t there. He moves further back to his parents’ bedroom and finds Finn curled up on the bed.

“Hey,” he says, stepping in and standing at the edge of the bed.

“I’ve been staying in here,” Finn mutters. “I thought you were dead and the idea of staying in your room hurt too much.”

“I’m about to ask you a stupid question but are you okay?”

“No, I’m not.” He sits up and shuffles to the edge of the bed. “Rey needs to be home and Luke Skywalker needs to answer for a lot.”

“I’m sure that…”

“If it wasn’t for him none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t have been taken from my family. Don’t you get it? He chose the direction of the Jedi which means that the Dark Side chose to oppose him and they are what did this to me. Ben would have never left you for Leader Snoke and Solo and Chewbacca and Jessica and everyone else would still be alive. You wouldn’t have been kidnapped and tortured and stabbed.” Finn takes a deep but shaky breath. “I would give up every having met you if it meant you would have lived a happy life.”

“I would do the same,” Poe reaches his hands out and Finn reaches up to take them. “But now that I have you I wouldn’t give you up for the entire galaxy.”

“Same,” Finn replies, squeezing his hands. “Lay with me?”

Without another word, Poe and Finn get settled in bed next to each other. They face each other and pull in close, faces only a few inches from each other. Poe reaches a hand to Finn’s face and Finn reaches a hand into Poe’s hair and he couldn’t feel more at peace. They lay there and look into each other’s eyes and breathe each other’s air.

“Why aren’t you trying to read my mind?” Poe whispers.

“I had gotten very good at controlling it before the invasion.” Finn replies. “When we were separated I tried, I really tried, but we were too far away. I can’t read someone if they are too far away. I think the distance between the med bay and your room was the extent I could go.”

“So like, me going to the backyard from here?” Poe smiles.

“Like that. Do you want me to?”

He nods. “I’m ready. I do want to warn you I am ashamed of so many things and I just…I hope you love me after you know.”

“I will.” He kisses him on the cheek. “I’m really anxious. I mean, it’s so intimate. That’s the word, right?  We are literally going to know to know everything about each other. No secrets.”

“If you don’t want to…”

“No, I do.” He smiles, reaching a hand to Poe’s forehead. “I have no idea if this is going to like, help, but it feels all mysterious and cool.”

Poe closes his eyes, laughing just a little and trying to relax.

~

It felt like hours, and when Poe and Finn finally open their eyes the room is dark, a slight moonlight twinkling through the open window. Tears are streaming down both of their faces and their foreheads rest against each other’s. Finn is trembling a little and Poe has a hard time taking a full breath. So much pain and fear and pining and being alone and devastated. He felt each moment Finn was hurt by Poe’s stupidity and each time Finn felt out of place in the First Order. He felt Finn’s fear when they were aboard the Destroyer and his overwhelming defeat when he thought Poe was dead.

Finn used to get so angry. Back on Nar Shaddaa he would bite his lips until they cracked inside. Sometimes he would pull on the hair on the tops of his thighs until it came out between his fingertips. He would write horrible and terrible things over and over again on scraps of paper and then burn them. Finn was afraid of his anger when he learned of his Force sensitivity and terrified at how vulnerable he could be. He still is afraid of letting that Dark Side out if it’s what he has to do to protect Poe. It breaks his heart and makes it soar at the same time.

Poe showed Finn everything. The sparks he felt when they first met, the heartbreak when Finn arrived broken from the Starkiller mission. Each time he thought of Finn and touched himself, each time he spent the night with someone else. All those moments he was convinced Finn didn’t feel that way for him. Every moment of his childhood falling in love with Ben and the complete mess he was when he thought Ben was dead. Finn saw every minute of what General Hux put Poe through, of Poe’s near turn to the Dark Side—every time he tasted it. He saw the final Battle of D’Qar and Poe’s numbness when he saw the carrier explode. How he ran after Hux knowing that he would be killed.

They saw each other’s fear at being so open and so vulnerable to someone else. They saw this irrevocable bond they have with each other.

Without words, their lips crash together. Instantly deep and wet and heated. Finn wraps his arms tightly around Poe and he reciprocates. He winces when the pressure on his stomach gets too intense and Finn instinctively pulls back just enough. Poe grabs a hand around Finn’s waist and leaves his lips to trail his jaw, behind his ear, down his neck and just to the top of his shirt collar. Finn gasps under his kisses, grabbing at Poe’s belt and trying to undo the buckle sight unseen.

Poe quickly reciprocates, getting Finn’s pants open just enough to reach and grab his hard cock. Poe grunts at the overwhelming sensation of finally touching Finn in this way. He still his hand over Finn and buries his face in Finn’s neck. He just wants to lay here like this forever, Finn’s hot soft skin under his palm and his breath swirling in the air between them. He’s only willed into motion when Finn gets his hand inside is pants and curls those fingers around his own cock. Poe’s hips jerk into the touch and Finn’s do the same.

Mouths meeting again with deep kisses and so much tongue spurs both their movements on.  It’s not just about experiencing each other right now, it’s about proving that what they just learned about each other doesn’t destroy them. Finn speeds up his pace on Poe and Poe does the same, every single sensation reaching into his very soul. Finn grunts into his mouth, biting his lip just a little bit. Poe whines, squeezing and twisting his fist over the hot skin underneath the palm. Poe squeezes his way up the shaft and takes care to slide the pad of this thumb over the head with a swirl which gets a groan out of Finn.

 _You are everything_ Poe hears in his head. That’s when he feels it, a connection. He can dance between his own thoughts and Finn’s as if they were in the same brain. He feels Finn’s pleasure and it feeds his own. It’s overwhelming and amazing and perfect. They are one person enjoying each other’s entirety. He reaches around for Finn’s Force, taking it by the hand and leading it around them with his own and cradling them so gently and completely.

Poe cries. Tears of joy and love and of belonging. His connection to Finn is so intense that he feels Finn’s orgasm in his own body, his toes curling and chest clenching as he spills over into Poe’s hand. Poe’s body jerks as his own orgasm sparks into a fire under Finn’s hand. The gasp and pant, riding out the last aftershocks and even out their breathing together. The level of intensity between them is unparalleled to anything Poe has or ever could know. This is more than a sexual encounter, this is connection. If this is that intense, Poe can’t even comprehend having Finn inside of him. The thought alone swims between them and hangs there like a carrot that they both can’t wait to reach for.

He leans back just enough to catch Finn’s eye. Finn’s been crying too. He leans in and gives Poe a deep long kiss that says so much more than words ever could. After learning everything, after seeing everything, Finn is right here. Instead of pulling away, Finn snuggles closer. He runs his hands gently over Poe’s bandages to make sure he’s okay. He plants a kiss on Poe’s forehead and gets up from the bed, leaving the room. He returns quickly with a hand towel and cleans himself, tossing it to Poe to do the same.

“I’m hungry,” Finn says. “You are too.”

“I wonder if this connection fades or if this is like, it,” Poe says. “I hope it never does.”

Finn shrugs. “I had no idea it would be like that.”

“Me neither.”

The two get up, adjusting each other’s clothing and go downstairs to be greeted by two plates in the dining room of cold food. They inhale the food just to get the act of eating over with before wordlessly deciding to go out to the back garden. They find Snap sitting in the grass, looking up into the sky. Finn and Poe sit down next to him, Poe leaning into Finn. For tonight Poe and Finn can pretend that there is no war raging in those stars. No pain or suffering. No fear. To just be content with being here, connected to his love.

“You two are kinda loud,” Snap says softly. “I don’t know how Leia was able to fall asleep through it. Also you guys knocked all the picture frames off the walls in the whole house. I put up a bunch of them but you can fix the rest.”

“What…how…” Finn asks.

“Probably a Force thing,” Poe snuggles tighter against his love.

“Well, I’m just glad you two found each other. I can’t imagine the torture of thinking the person I love is dead.” Snap stands. “I’m going to bed. You think you can manage to keep the sex noises down?”

“Sure thing Snap,” Poe says.

They lay down in the cool grass, Poe’s head on Finn’s chest, and look up at the stars. The connection wanes over the course of the night and they don’t go inside until the sun starts to peek over the horizon. Once Poe feels the connection lost, he starts to wonder if there would be a way they could keep this memory, this feeling, forever. This really is where he should die, now, before another blow comes. He wonders if Finn would follow him into death, a death they chose together on their own terms, free from pain and suffering. The power of choosing their end. This is how it should end.

Here on the grass under the stars.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sex. Yeah. Uhm...more pain in a couple of chapters. Finn is going to really work on his anger.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Poe begins to heal, he continues to develop his relationship with Finn. But Poe struggles with the war and how he couldn’t possibly protect Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Kylo POV companion fic is up! Read it here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6652267/chapters/15215554

Three days later…

It’s surprising how the body forgets. The humidity on Yavin-4 is always thickest in the middle of the day and even here in the old shed and out of the sun it clings to his body. Poe wipes his brow with the rag in his pocket before going back to the push broom. He probably shouldn’t be out here sweeping but Leia was painting the walls in the house and he just can’t stand the smell. Snap took Finn to the nearest town to get some more hardware and general supplies. Snap’s really taken to fixing up Poe’s house, probably out of a need to feel useful and work through his own feelings about everything that’s happened. Leia cleans and fusses in the house. Finn alternates between helping Snap, meditating at the tree, telling Poe to stop working and spend time showing him all of the stuff from his childhood they found or cuddle in bed. In fact, Finn insisted that Snap help him move the bigger bed into Poe’s old bedroom. It was sweet, if not a little bit odd to make out on his parent’s bed in his old bedroom.

“Master Poe, the General sent me out here to bring you a beverage.” C3PO walks into the open shed and hands him a large glass, slippery with condensation.

Poe takes it and gulps, not wanting to admit that he probably shouldn’t be out here. “Thanks, buddy.”

“Sir, you look quite unwell. Shall I escort you indoors?” the droid tilts his head.

“Nah, I’ll just take a rest. I’m fine, really,” Poe sets down the broom and sits on an old overturned bucket, taking another drink. That’s when he notices the paint splatter on 3PO’s arm and shoulder. “How’s the painting going?”

“Quite well as long as R2 stays out of the way.” He looks around before turning back to face him. “I am so very glad you are alive.”

“Thanks man. You know, when I first met you as a kid I thought you were creepy,” Poe snickers.

“May I ask why sir?”

“You don’t blink. As a kid it was weird to me. But now one of my best pals is a droid, I don’t even think of you as not human anymore.” He takes another sip, thinking about BB-8. “I actually really miss BB.”

“I am sure Pilot Kare has taken good care of your friend.”

Before Poe can thank his old friend, the speeder pulls up to the shed. Poe stands and goes outside to see Snap and Finn laughing and pulling out boxes. Poe runs up to help but is met with a forceful hand from his Finn. “No lifting,” Finn says. “You go inside, we got this.”

“It stinks like paint in there,” Poe shrugs. “I’ll see you later?”

Finn stops long enough to give Poe a quick kiss and send him a flash of a dirty image in his head before continuing to unload the supplies. Poe goes back into the shed, alone, and finishes cleaning it up. There’s a very old tan tarpaulin in the corner, the one that used to cover his mother’s A-Wing. Good a place as any, Poe smirks. He pulls off his sweaty tunic and tosses it on the old tool bench, plopping himself down. He arranges the tarp just enough to prop himself up. Poe Fucking Dameron runs his fingers through his hair and puts his hands behind his head, showing off a sweaty chest and super sexy bandage on his stomach. He can’t believe how Finn makes him feel like a teenager again. All he wants to do, really, is be with him. Every time that they have a moment alone their hands are on each other. They kiss and thrust into each other’s hands, Finn insisting that he doesn’t want to go further until Poe is fully healed and Poe whining but ultimately agreeing with his love. Even thinking of Finn that way, his love, makes him almost giddy like a child.

When they are done, they work on their connection. Throughout the day it sometimes pops up, which always delights Poe. Sometimes it lasts for hours, sometimes only seconds. Finn is pretty good at popping phrases and images into his head, but so far Poe can’t do the same when they are awake. When they lay together and focus on it as they fall asleep, they can make it last all night. They can wade through each other’s dreams and memories as if they are one person. But they have a hard time controlling the dreams once they fall asleep. Mostly they dream of each other and it’s sweet and wonderful and it makes Poe sad that they’ll never live that perfect life. Not with so much lost.

“Hey.”

Poe snaps out of his thoughts and looks over at Finn standing in the doorway of the shed, blocking the light. “Hey.”

“So, uhm…” Finn approaches him, pulling his own tunic off over his head and biting his lip. “You got my message I see. Although this isn’t what I was thinking.”

“I’m improvising,” Poe reaches out a hand. “Come here.”

Finn takes his hand and Poe pulls him down on top of him, using his other hand to pull the back of his neck down for a very deep and lewd kiss. Suddenly the humidity isn’t so bad as wet skin slides against skin, sweat mingling in the microscopic space between them. Poe grabs Finn’s waist with just a little strength and rolls him onto his back with a grunt.

“I know we are waiting until I’m healed do have sex, but…I want to taste you.”

“Sure,” Finn nods, watching Poe as he slinks down his chest and his fingers make quick work of his belt buckle and pants.

Finn lifts his hips to allow Poe to easily pull his pants down to his ankles. Finn is achingly hard when Poe grabs him and guides him into his mouth. All it takes his Poe’s lips suckling just over the head of his cock for Finn to cry out and knock over the broom on the other side of the shed. That’s another interesting thing they’ve learned—when they are really excited they tend to move things around. Leia pretends she doesn’t notice, Snap gets annoyed and Finn is embarrassed. It makes Poe smile.

Pushing the thought of others out of his head, Poe laps his tongue over the head in his mouth, getting almost dizzy on the sounds Finn is making above him. It’s been so long since he last did this to someone that his jaw aches so quickly but he’s just having such a great time sucking his fucking man’s dick. He twists his tongue over each ridge, vein and bump as his mouth goes further and further down Finn’s shaft, not quite being able to bottom out without gagging. He kind of wants to.

“Go ahead,” Finn urges, wrapping his fingers through his hair. “If you want to do it, do it.”

He takes every last inch into his throat, gagging and choking over the intrusion as he buries his nose into the coarse curls at the base. He loves how the sensation makes his eyes water and even more how much Finn is enjoying it. Poe opens his jaw as far as it will go and starts bobbing his head up and down, gagging each time. He feels Finn holding back, just a little. The Force inside him reaching out for Finn’s connection but not getting anything in return. Figuring the novelty of the first blow job between them is clouding the line between them, Poe stops fighting it and focuses on making Finn come. It doesn’t even take that long before Finn starts twitching and moaning, spilling into his throat as the door to the shed flies open and slams shut and some random tool falls off the wall by the bench. Poe swallows and wipes his chin as he skitters back up to meet Finn’s lips in a sloppy and soft kiss.

Poe rests his head on Finn’s chest and relishes the thumping underneath and that’s when it comes—the connection. He lets the Light spread through him, gasping at the sensation of becoming one with Finn. It makes him keen and bury his nose into Finn’s sweaty chest. _Where were you?_

_I thought maybe we should try sex without the connection. I’m surprised I was able to block it, don’t seem have much control of it typically._

_Honestly I’d love to be connected to you all the time, Finn._

“And I’d love to repay the favor,” Finn says, gently rolling Poe onto his back.

With their connection strong, Finn searches Poe’s mind for all the little moves he likes and gets to work. He pushes him down hard onto his back and practically rips his pants off with a growl. Poe trembles when Finn nips and pulls at the skin on Poe’s thighs until he gets to his already leaking cock. Finn grasps with one hand and starts lapping up the back and sides, making tiny little slurping noises as wets the skin. It hits him that this is the first time that they have ever had their mouths on each other this way. Why did he ever fight his feelings in the first place? No matter, Finn’s tongue and lips distract him from the thought. Poe sends out little notes of pleasure and approval through their connection as Finn dips his tongue into the slit—almost too deep—and softly massages his tight balls.

He bites his lip hard when Finn finally slides his mouth over his cock and sucks hard, slurping each time his mouth bobs up to the head. The sounds and contrasts between hot wet lips and cold air striking when he moves up sends tingles through Poe’s pelvis. He closes his eyes and wades through their connection, trying to send his adoration and pleasure through to Finn in gratitude. Finn digs his fingers into Poe’s hip in response, working him faster and with more suction and tongue. When Poe starts to get close and jerk his hips up, Finn pushes them back down and chastises him through the connection along with a slight dragging of teeth on his cock. That’s what finally pushes him over the edge. Finn comes off his cock sputtering a little and strokes every last drop out of him before wiping his mouth with his hand and that’s when the smell smoke.

“What…” Poe and Finn shoot up, seeing Poe’s shirt on the tool bench on fire.

Finn stumbles over, quickly grabbing the shirt and throwing it to the floor to stomp out the fire. When the shirt is out he looks over at Poe with confusing. “Did you do that?”

Poe stands up, pulling his pants on despite his crotch and hip being splattered with his cooling come. “I don’t know.”

“Has this ever happened before?” Finn asks, reaching through their connection. Poe shows him a memory of the journal. He remembers hitting Ben and Leia putting out the fire.

_“They were shouting and I went in there and then the book was on fire,” Leia says. “Do you think it was Poe?”_

“Wow,” Poe sits back down on the tarp. “You think it was really me?”

“Seems like it,” Finn joins him, sitting with his back against the wall of the shed next to him. “I really don’t know.”

“You are stronger than I am. Finn, once the war is over you could get some training and become a real Jedi.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I just want you to experience everything you can,” Poe says. “You deserve everything, my love.”

Finn sends every ounce of his light and love through their connection, making a vocal response pointless. Poe can’t help but let a tear of joy fall down his face and feel stupid for it. “We should go inside, I have come in my pants,” Poe giggles. _Unless you can just use the Force to clean me up?_  He sends through the connection.

 _That’s not how the Force works,_ Finn channels. An image of Han yelling at him in the snow pops into view and Finn tries to tuck it away.

“No, come on,” Poe snuggles his head into Finn’s lap. “It’s okay. I miss him too.”

“I wish I could have done more.”

“We all do. After my dad died Han pretty much took up the father figure mantle for me. He’d take me on runs in the Falcon and helped me hone my flying skills. He’s actually the one who got me into flight school. I knew that he and Leia were always there, at least until Ben did what he did.” Poe sighs. “Made losing my parents somehow easier to swallow.”

“Tell me about your parents, Poe Dameron,” Finn requests.

Poe closes his eyes and lets his mind wander through memories of his mother’s A-Wing in the shed and playing pilot. He used to sit on the floor and hand his parents tools while they worked on the fighter, all the while trying to explain the intricacies of space flight mechanics to a six-year-old. He swings through story time in bed and his mother making him breakfast. Poe leads Finn into memories of his father frantic when his mom got sick, telling Poe to stay in his room and lock the door until he came back with the doctor because he didn’t want Poe to get sick with whatever his mother had. He can still remember her crying and calling for his father until the doctor arrived. He remembers how hard it was to leave this house behind, how it looked when he was on the carrier Leia had sent for them, getting smaller as they left orbit. The first time his father smiled after his mother died, the last time he spoke to his father before he died.

“My love,” Finn whispers. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Poe sits up, feeling a sense of overwhelm in their connection that makes him wish he could cut it off.

“I didn’t get to have my family. Now I get to experience all of it through you. I get to share your memories.”

“Even the bad ones,” Poe laments.

“Especially the bad ones,” Finn says, his voice cracking. “I want all of it. You shouldn’t have to shoulder that pain alone.” Finn runs his fingers through his hair and it makes him practically purr

“So, what are we going to do?” Poe asks. “When Leia decides that the war needs to keep going?”

“We fight. We both know neither one of us is going to stand down. We can’t, not with Luke running away and everyone else dead.” Finn radiates tension and anger through their connection. “We are it, and I just can’t sit here and not try, you know? If we are gonna go down, we gotta go down fighting.”

“Finn, don’t you want to just stay here? Explore each other, maybe grown some food out back in the garden and grow old together?” Poe asks.

Finn pushes flashes at Poe of training, drills and practice. Finn working tirelessly to memorize trooper plans, hours spent in target practice and hand-to-hand training. A strength and need to fight, be a leader. Be a warrior. Like until now it’s all he’s ever known. Makes sense he wouldn’t be able to let that go.

“Finn…we aren’t enough,” Poe cries, a tear falling down his face.

“Who else is going to do it? Luke? Rey?” A sadness weeps between them at the thought of Rey. “He’s probably washed her brain of any of that fight she had.”

 _You can’t really think that?_ Poe sends through the connection.

They are interrupted from a response when C3PO enters the shed. “The General wanted me to inform you that lunch is ready.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Poe says.

“Master Poe, where is your shirt?”

Poe and Finn laugh through their connection as they get up and follow the droid inside.

~

“About what I was saying earlier,” Poe remarks, spitting a mouth full of toothpaste suds into the sink.

“About what?” Finn replies, grabbing his own toothbrush.

“Do you think we’re going to make it? Through the war, I mean.” Poe runs the tap and splashes his water on his face.

“It doesn’t matter, Poe.” Finn motions for Poe to move over and then he spits into the sink. “If I don’t fight, who will?”

He lets it go, for now. He misses the connection they had today and as much as he’s been trying to reach for it he just can’t make it happen. Feeling guilty for wanting something so selfish, he hasn’t asked Finn to try. They finish getting ready for bed and walk to their room holding hands. Once curled together in bed, Finn falls asleep almost instantly against Poe’s chest. He runs his hand gently over Finn’s back. He looks down at the man in his arms and remembers each time he has looked at Finn. So stupid to have denied his feelings for as long as he did. So stupid to have chosen others over him. Poe starts to cry at the thought of all that time wasted.

There is no living through this war, not with everything at stake. Jessica, Chewbacca, Han. They lost the Resistance and the base of operations. In a way, they lost Rey and Luke because wherever they are, they aren’t helping. They have Leia in hiding because Poe can’t bear the reality of Kylo Ren, or worse, General Hux, killing her for some Dark Side sacrifice for power. She isn’t leading the fight because there isn’t one. There’s nobody left to fight and now they all sit in this old house and wait for the First Order to storm in and slaughter them. Sometimes Poe thinks about it, beating them to the punch. It would be easy, something in their meal in the evening so they all just fall asleep before slipping into death. Peaceful, quiet, painless. Not the death by fire that Finn is preparing for.

Gently removing himself from bed, Poe pads his way downstairs and into the main sitting room and to the bookshelf, the room lit by the moonlight shining in. He scans the books until he finds one about the history of Yavin-4 and takes it to the kitchen, turning on the light and sitting at the table. It’s boring, probably some book his father read at some point in his life. Nothing of interest, just words on a page to distract his mind. He reads sentence after sentence about the history of the planet, all things he already knew. This book was written before the Battle of Yavin so it doesn’t include any of the pain or suffering he learned about as a child. He wonders what books will say about the Resistance.

“Can’t sleep?”

He looks up to see Leia in an old nightgown walking into the kitchen. “My side aches and Finn is a clingy sleeper.”

She sits down across from him. “History?”

He closes the book and slides it to the side. “Just trying to distract myself.”

“As soon as you are better we have to go find the rest of the Resistance,” she says. “We’re going to win this and then you can help write the new book.”

Poe pinches the bridge of his nose. “There is no Resistance left. Leia, this is it. Us in this house and we are in no position to fight.” He stands, pacing the room. “I am not strong enough to fight the power of the Dark Side. I’ve already indulged it, used it to get what I wanted. General Hux nearly had me joining the First Order. I’ve tasted it. I understand now. I know how delicious and seductive it can be. I know why Ben chose it.”

“He didn’t choose…”

“He did. Ben chose the Dark Side because it was so much easier than fighting it. The only thing, the only thing keeping me from running right back into it is Finn and even then I would dip into that dark pool in an instant if that’s what I had to do to keep him safe. I’ve already done it.”

“You aren’t Ben, you aren’t Kylo Ren,” she says, nearly in tears.

“I’m not. I would rather die before I let that happen again.”

Poe goes outside and into the shed, settling down on the tarp for the night.

 


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choices are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please go check out the Kylux companion fic to this, Dilate. As it progresses, you'll get to learn more about Ben and even Hux and how he got to do all those shitty things to Poe...and why.
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/6652267/chapters/15215554

One week later…

“A little to the left.”

Poe rolls his eyes and shifts the portrait of his parents to the left, over the mantle in the main sitting room. “There?”

“There,” Leia crosses her arms over her chest. “Do you like it?”

He steps down from the stool and stands by her side. It pulls at his heart a little, to see the portrait of his parents smiling down at them. He knows Leia is fixing up the house for him and Finn with full intentions of refusing their further service in the Resistance, but as frustrated at her inability to let the war go, he wishes she would plan on staying. Fixing up a room for herself. Instead she continues to keep her things in a small canvas bag near the bed in the master bedroom, ready to go at a moment’s notice. Snap does too, next to the couch in this room he sleeps on at night. He knows that they will, eventually, try to leave and that Finn will want to go with them.

A blinding shot of pain runs through Poe’s head and drops him to his knees. He feels fire course through his hand and grasps it, barely able to breathe. He knows, he just _knows_ , it’s not his pain.

After a moment with Leia threatening to find Snap to go fetch a doctor, Poe manages to stand up and run outside and around to the back of the house where Snap and Finn have started building a small patio off the kitchen. Snap is sitting and counting out nails while Finn hammers them into the wood. Before Poe can even makes his presence known, Finn hits his hand with the hammer and screams out.

Poe grabs Finn’s hands. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

Finn looks up at him and the connection slams into both of them at the same time, taking their breath away. Poe feels anger and frustration come through much louder than the pain. In fact, Finn didn’t even hit his hand that hard, not as hard as Poe felt it back in the house.

“I’m good,” Finn says, pulling his hand away. “I’ll be fine.”

“Love, I’m right here,” Poe tries to comfort, but Finn stands and starts walking away towards the house without a word. The connection still there, tension floating through it to the point that it makes Poe shudder.

“Just let him walk it off,” Snap says.

“I can’t, we’re connected right now,” Poe replies, standing up to chase after him, but Snap catches up and grabs his arm. “What is going on?”

“He and I got to talking and I told him about my mission.”

“What mission, Snap?” Poe pulls away. “What’s going on?”

“Leia and I discussed it last night and we were going to tell you both at lunch but he just…we got to talking and it came out. I’m leaving this afternoon to find Kare. If she knows of any other Resistance, we are to gather them and begin figuring out what the First Order is doing.”

“For all you know everything else out there is fucked, that we are the only planet untouched by this. The Resistance is dead, Snap.”

Snap tilts his head slightly. “Huh. That wasn’t Finn’s reaction.”

Poe closes his eyes and searches through the connection, weak but still there as Finn has since moved into the house, and finds what Snap is talking about. “He wants you to find Rey and Luke.”

“He thinks they are the…”

“…only chance to destroy Kylo Ren.” Poe swallows, reading into the connection again. Finn doesn’t even care about the war anymore, he just wants Luke Skywalker to answer for what he has done and to save Rey. The anger pulsing through the connection cuts through him like a knife and leaves his raw and confused.

“You can’t blame him.” He reaches in further to try to soothe Finn but the connection snaps shut. It makes Poe cry, dropping to his knees and choking on stuttering breaths.

Snap instantly drops to his side, hand on his back. “You okay?”

Poe shakes his head. “I don’t like his pain, Snap. His anger. It’s scaring me.”

“You still have a lot of work out, I think,” Snap says. “Here, let me help you in the house.”

Poe takes the help until he’s on his own feet, walking into the house with Snap. Snap takes a look at Leia and they retreat to the kitchen, most likely to talk. Poe moves through the house to the stairs and sees that the portrait of his parents that was hanging above the mantle is now on the ground, glass shattered. Did Finn close their connection? Did he do it on purpose? Was Finn upset with him about not wanting to go back to the war? Is he angry that Poe is too weak to fight General Hux or Kylo Ren?

He makes his way upstairs and finds Finn sitting at the foot of their bed, fists coiled and sitting on his knees, the air around him hot. He approaches him and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Finn, I’m sorry.”

“You knew about this?” He looks up, his face almost ugly with anger. There’s no connection and Poe begs with every cell for one to happen without luck. “You knew and didn’t tell me? Didn’t involve me or ask for my opinion?”

“No, I figured that would be the plan, though. Snap and Leia didn’t tell me anything until just now, I swear it.” Poe reaches a hand to touch Finn’s face and is surprised that Finn doesn’t flinch. “You understand why.”

“I don’t. I met you because Leia wanted that map to Skywalker and now that she has sent Rey to him she doesn’t fucking care about it anymore.” Finn grabs onto Poe’s waist, almost too hard, and pulls him into his lap.

Poe pants at the contact, feeling the anger change to something else, something more intimate. Poe clutches onto Finn’s shoulders as Finn weaves his hands through Poe’s hair with just enough strength to pull his head back and expose his neck. Poe sighs when Finn leans up to lick and suck on his neck, hard enough that Poe knows he’ll have a mark. He grinds down into Finn’s hips and grunts, Finn’s anger floating out of Poe’s head.

“I’m sorry,” Finn whispers. “Sorry I pulled away.”

Poe pushes back to make eye contact with Finn, seeing how blown his pupils are. “Can you try? The connection? Please?”

Finn shakes his head. “I felt it snap shut and I’m trying but…”

“Fuck me then.” Poe says, catching Finn’s mouth with his own.

Poe opens his mouth wide, inviting Finn to take over. He bites Poe’s bottom lip hard enough to taste blood and surges his hips up, nearly knocking Poe off his lap. Poe grabs onto him tightly and opens his mind up, hoping that the connection just happens like it so often does, ignoring how Finn’s anger must be blocking it from him. Finn grabs Poe by the waist and turns him to the bed, almost slamming him on his back. The roughness makes Poe’s entire body tingle with anticipation—this isn’t how he imagined their first time together but he can’t say he doesn’t like it. Finn stands at the foot of the bed and removes his clothes quickly, throwing them in a pile on the floor. He leans over and unbuckles Poe’s belt and pants, pulling them and the underclothes off to his ankles, pausing only long enough to pull Poe’s boots off before removing them completely. Poe sits up and pulls his shirt off over his head.

Finn climbs over him and leans down to gently kiss the healing wound on his stomach. “It’s been two weeks, you think you’re okay for this?”

Poe nods. “Please, Finn, please.” He reaches down and strokes a hand over the back of Finn’s shoulders.

“I’ve been inside your mind, I’ve seen you like this.” Finn licks little trails up his chest. “Just tell me if you want me to stop.”

Nodding, Poe doesn’t get a chance to respond before Finn’s teeth clamp down on his left nipple, followed by flicks of his tongue over the nub in between. He cries out as Finn roughly rubs the pad of his thumb over the right one. It’s hard and fast and Poe feels dizzy as Finn bites and licks, switching between the two over and over again. Poe pulls on Finn’s short hair enough to get him to come up for a dirty kiss and feels his hard cock trapped between their stomachs. He thrusts into the space, relishing the friction. Fin meet him, grinding hard against him.

“Drawer,” Poe pants.

Finn opens it and reaches in, pulling out a fairly large bottle of clear fluid. Poe had put it on the shopping list for Snap to pick up on his last trip to the trading docks and while he got a dirty look, Snap bought a big bottle to avoid having to make another trip for a while.

“Flip over,” Finn says, his voice deep and dark and not at all what Poe would expect. It’s laced with that frustration from earlier and suddenly Poe isn’t sure this is how it should go.

Finn grabs his waist with a free hand and guides him to rolling over. Grabbing at a pillow, Poe relaxes his body for what is about to come. He feels Finn’s slick finger roll and tease at his entrance, the pace slow and gentle. Even without the connection, Poe can sense that Finn’s tension is rolling away with each flick at his hole and he is glad to provide this for his love. He feels a fingertip press inside and fill his body with heat. It’s so much different than the intimacy of their Force connection but no less intimate which is what Poe feared he would feel when they finally did this. He greedily cants his hips back, urging Finn to go deeper. He’s met with a kiss to his lower back and the slipping in of the finger all the way to the hilt.

“This could take a while, move around, go slow, eventually add more.” Poe groans when Finn moves it around, that old burn returning. It’s been so long since he’s been with anyone that way that it’s probably going to take Finn a while to work him open. He feels Finn’s finger disappear and come back with more lubricant. Poe is heady with pleasure, feeling so calm and centered that his Finn is doing this to him. He never thought he could feel a love this intense, this filling.

That’s when the connection opens. It fills Poe like a flood of the most indescribable feeling he has ever experienced and he starts to weep. Finn wordlessly checks to see if he’s okay and Poe can feel himself sending out pleas to not stop. Finn taps into the connection, sensing when he can add another finger and how to move inside Poe. It overwhelms them both, Poe can sense it, but neither one can really bring themselves to stop. Somewhere in the room they can hear something falling or pounding, it doesn’t matter. They’ll figure that out eventually.

Finn knows that Poe is ready and withdraws what eventually was three fingers from his body. He can also feel that Poe misses the intrusion desperately and he works quickly, asking through the connection for Poe to roll onto his back. He does, finally locking eyes with Finn. They both tremble as Finn applies more lubricant to his cock and positions himself over Poe, guiding himself into place. Poe braces his hands on Finn’s biceps as Finn pushes the head past the tight ring and slowly, so slowly, slides himself into place. It takes forever and not long enough, words of love passing unspoken between them.

Once Finn is fully seated inside him, Poe can feel a wet hot heat crushing his own cock, which has been leaking on his chest. Is that…is that what Finn is feeling? Finn gasps a bit on top of him and Poe reaches through to sense that fullness. They can feel each other’s pleasure and sensations. This has never happened before, and the both look to each other shocked, mouths open, gasping. Poe lurches up and closes the distance, kissing Finn and feeling every inch of his mouth with his tongue and with the Force connecting them. Finn begin to move inside of Poe, pulling out and pushing back in. It goes slow, both of them unsure of just how far their bodies can be pushed by the sensations they share.

Soon Finn is thrusting into him, moaning each time. Poe feels Finn’s cock hitting that sweet spot deep inside him and shining stars and light into the back of his skull, which he pushes out through the connection. Finn’s head falls onto Poe’s shoulder as he continues to thrust, faster now with more force. Their pleasure becomes an endless feedback loop of heat and pressure and light and tingling. It doesn’t take long under such intense sensation for them both to come—simultaneously---and collapse into a pile on the bed.

“I…” Poe starts, his entire body and mind swimming in between him and Finn, making even talking through the connection difficult.

“Hmmm,” Finn hums, curling up next to Poe and tucking his face into his neck.

~

He wakes up to the connection closing and the feeling of falling.

Poe has no idea how long he’s been asleep, other than its dark now. He remembers slipping into sleep and dreaming of sex with Finn, of the intensity of their connection and the loop. Finn was there with him, the two of them dancing through waves of light and smiling. He turns to his side to find the bed empty. He reaches down, expecting to find drying come on his stomach but instead he’s clean, a wet rag on the nightstand. The connection is gone. It hurts, pulling Poe’s heart down. He’s dropping now, further and further away from the Force, from Finn. He makes his way to the dresser and pulls out fresh clothes, putting them on as quickly as his used body will allow. He notices now the ache in his side from the still-healing wound and that familiar soreness in his ass. But it’s not unpleasant. He clenches just a little around it, biting his lip as he quietly leaves the room in search of Finn and something to eat.

Downstairs, he finds the couch empty and two notes on the kitchen table. Two letters, one marked ‘Black Leader’ and the second ‘Poe.’ He turns on the light in the room and opens the first one.

_Poe,_

_I should have said goodbye before I left, but I think you needed to be with Finn more. I don’t know if we will ever see each other again, I hope we do. I know you and Leia don’t always see eye to eye, but I hope that we can all agree that none of us are the type of person to sit back when there is the potential to save just one planet, one colony, one person. I have learned everything I know about friendship and fighting and flying from you. My biggest regret is that I couldn’t have done more to protect you back on D’Qar. Take care of Finn, let him take care of you. I love you, brother._

_~Temmin Wexley_

He reaches up to wipe tears from his face. Poe feels a part of him shatter inside, like he just knows they’ll never meet again. Breathless, he picks up the other letter.

_My love,_

_You are the most amazing being in the galaxy. I feel so honored to have been able to touch your Force and experience your entire being. I love you more than I thought it was possible to feel for anything. I didn’t rescue you, you rescued me. I have to protect that, protect you from the horror that the First Order is inflicting on the galaxy. Your suffering at the hands of Kylo Ren and General Hux cannot be for nothing. I can’t let you bear that pain only to have the war show up at our door, unannounced, and take you from me. That is why I have to leave. I have to find Rey, I have to help her stop the First Order. I have to protect you. I know the First Order, I’m the only one that can help her. Don’t come after me, don’t try to stop me. Stay here and protect Leia. Please, trust me when I say that I will come back to you. We will grow old together here in this house without the looming threat of destruction._

_Until we meet again,_

_Finn_

Trembling from the overwhelming feeling of loss, he sets both letters on the table and moves to turn out the light when he hears an engine outside. Poe steps out of the front door to see Finn loading a bag into the second speeder. He’s fully dressed, wearing the jacket, with a blaster slung behind his back.

“Finn?” Poe calls from the front steps.

He turns around. “I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” Poe walks out into the grass, feet bare and cold. He reaches Finn and grabs a hand in his, unwilling to believe what the letter said. “What’s happening?”

Finn squeezes back. “I can’t just stay here, not when Rey is out there. Not when there is a chance.”

“There isn’t one, don’t you get it?” Poe takes a shaky breath, unable to fill his lungs completely. “You have to understand that, Finn.”

“Leia is misguided in her trust of Luke Skywalker,” Finn replies. Poe doesn’t need the connection to feel Finn’s anger. “His selfishness in the creation of the New Jedi Order is what destroyed…”

“You sound like the First Order.” Poe swallows. “Luke created the New Jedi Order to abolish selfish intensions in the Force, you know that now. Not the propaganda you were raised with.”

“It’s his fault all the same,” Finn replies.

“You were going to leave me here without saying goodbye,” he gasps. He knows he deserves it, after everything he has done to Finn. He hangs his head, knowing this is his fault. He doesn’t deserve Finn and Finn finally figured it out.

“Poe, I need you to understand why I am doing this.”

“You can’t leave me here,” Poe blinks, his chest numb from what he stumbled into. “You…you have to take care of me. I have to take care of you.”

“This is me taking care of you, Poe,” Finn grabs his other hand. “You will never be safe until the war is over. Finding Rey is how we end this. Stay here, heal, protect Leia.”

“Don’t…” Poe begs. “Please don’t. I’m begging you. Please.”

Finn leans in and kisses him softly on the lips, a kiss that Poe can’t comprehend enough to reciprocate. “I love you, and I’ll come home. I’ll come back to you.”

Poe falls to his knees when Finn lets his hands go, climbs into the speeder and disappears into the dark forest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bring on the hate mail.
> 
> Also, I kind of equate Poe's emotional state after the Force sex as like a sub drop...if that makes sense.


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe’s dreams become a distorted non-linear jumble of endless possibilities. With Finn gone, it’s all he has. But there is still a war raging in the galaxy, and it’s only a matter of time before it finds him.

20 days later…

~

It’s seems so archaic, a match. A small splinter of wood with a head like flint. He has grown accustomed to using lighters and can’t even recall the last time he held a match between his fingers. He grabs the small box of matches from the table next to him and removes one, striking its head along the stone wall. He holds it up to his face for a moment, studying the way the flame looks almost like water rolling over the wood and staining it black in its wake.

The bed is slow to catch but once it does it’s engulfed. How quickly the heat spreads through the room, so quickly that he has to exit before he can watch it die. Taking his box of matches, he repeats the process in approximately half of the rooms of the citadel. It takes him most of the afternoon, walking the halls and lighting them ablaze. He pauses when he gets to the courtyard, admiring the beauty of red blood sprayed around one particular corpse before dropping a lit match on it. He steps over a body in the main doorway, one of many scattered in the building, as he begins his journey to the exit.

Surprisingly, it doesn’t take as long for the citadel to burn as it did to light it. Stone walls are stained with soot as the flames lick at them from the windows. Inside burns the various objects owned by its occupant and their staff. The air hangs thick with grey smoke and the crackling and popping of objects consumed by the inferno. He takes long striding steps down the gravel path leading away from the citadel when one stone wall begins to crack from the intense heat. He doesn’t have to turn to see it fall, it’s satisfactory either way.

This survivor opens his mouth on the inhale to taste the death that swarms through the air, sliding a hand back into its glove before continuing to walk away from the remnants of the day’s events. Now the work begins and a new regime will take center stage. There are places to go and better things to do than to watch some old building turn to kindling.

~

Poe wakes up sweating. Blinking his eyes open to adjust to the moonlight streaming in through the window, he can see why. The boy must have crawled into bed with them at some point in the night. Finn is sound asleep on his side, a big warm arm wrapped around the five-year-old child who is snuggled face-down into the pillow. Poe soaks in the two loves of his life on the bed next to him. The boy’s light red hair is almost orange in the moonlight, his pale skin so smooth and even. They breathe soundly together.

Rolling over, he puts a hand over Finn’s. It wakes him. His eyes blink until they adjust, meeting Poe’s so softly. A sleepy smile crosses his lips before closing his eyes and sighing. Poe tries to join them both in sleep, but he’s so happy that he wouldn’t dare miss a moment of these two. It fills his entire chest with so much warmth that it doesn’t matter how hot he is.

~

“Captain Dameron here will lead the Blue and Red Squadrons once the shields are down.” General Organa sits behind the long, white desk and places her hands in her lap. “As we understand it, that is where the objects are being kept.”

“That’s right, General,” Poe stands and takes over the briefing. “We believe that the First Order is keeping the objects in a special room deep inside the Finalizer.” A blueprint hologram appears in the middle of the room above their heads. “We need to incapacitate their shields and their cannons. The most important thing is that we make it look like a general assault. The Blue and Red will lead the charge and that gives myself and Commander Dameron a chance to get inside.” He nods to Finn, seated next to him.

Finn takes the cue and stands.. “Once myself and Captain Dameron are on board, the assault must continue. We cannot in any way break off suddenly and alert the troops that there could be something else going on. What we are searching for is very special, and it is possible we may not be able to safely get them off the ship. We may have to destroy them on board. If you get the signal, end the assault and leave the system as top light speed to avoid getting caught in the debris. Understood?”

The room nods and Finn looks to his Captain, steady features and warm eyes. He’s afraid it won’t work. He’s afraid they will be caught. There’s nothing they can do about that, not now. Finn is the only one who can complete this mission, and Poe has to make sure he can get him in and out in one piece.

~

“Come on,” Poe whispers, holding out his hand. “You need a pilot.”

His entire body is trembling with excitement and anticipation. Poe watches Ben bite his lip and takes his hand. They run through the woods together, side by side, with Ben having no idea where they are going. As they weave through the trees Poe gets a cut cheek from a branch but they don’t stop. So many trees, he thinks as his lungs start to burn. They seem to be running for days, the trail he planned somehow tripling in distance, before they get to a small break in the trees.

“What’s this?” Ben reaches his hand up to point at a small carrier ship in the clearing.

“That’s our escape.” Poe turns and grabs Ben by the arms. “I’m here to rescue you.”

“Rescue? Escape?”

“You told me during our last visit that you want to leave, well, I’m here to take you away. I love you, Ben Solo.”

Ben’s eyes get glassy with tears. “Like in the book?”

“Like in the book.”

“Where are we going to go?”

“I’m taking you to my home, back on Yavin-4. I’ll get a job at the trading docks and we can live happily ever after. Please, we don’t have much time.”

Poe decides to make time for the kiss Ben gives him.

~

“That is the biggest bunch of bullshit I have ever heard Dameron!” Jessica laughs, throwing a chip in his general direction.

“What, don’t believe me?” Poe replies. “Snap, you were there.”

“Ha, yeah. Gotta say Poe is telling the truth on this one.” His friend rolls his eyes and slaps his cards on the metal table. “I’m gonna hit the bunk. Goodnight all.”

After bidding him goodnight, Poe tosses his cards in as well. “I’m spent. We have drills in the morning and you can be sure as shit I’m not going to do them on an hour of sleep.”

“You ready for tomorrow?” She asks. “You think that new kid is ready?”

“Finn? Yeah, he’s a good shot. I hope Barclay keeps an eye on him.” Poe takes the cards and packs them back into the box.

“You don’t trust him.” Jessica talks in a lower voice, even though they are the only ones in the mess hall.

“I dunno. I mean he did rescue me and found BB-8. So there’s that. Maybe he’s just trying to impress that girl that helped him now. But…he was brainwashed by the First Order his entire life. That kind of mind fuck doesn’t just disappear because some pretty girl shows up. I think the General is too willing to bring him into the fold. Just…keep an eye on him Jessica.”

She nods. “Yes Commander.”

~

“General, is your strike team assembled?”

“It is, Imperator,” the General nods, hands firmly clasped behind his back. “Shall I give the order?”

The Imperator cocks his head ever so slightly, a gesture that the General knows all too well. “Proceed. Do not fail me.”

He nods. “I will not fail you, my Imperator.”

“Once you have dispatched with the planet, inform my delator to bring you to my private quarters.” A small, nearly imperceptible smile leaks out of the corners of his pink lips. “Should you succeed you will find great reward for your service.”

“Should I fail?” he asks, taunting his Imperator for an answer.

“Great punishment. You should be so lucky, my General,” the Imperator stands and walks down the three steps to position himself before him, taking his jaw tightly in a gloved hand. “I just had new boots made and the treads would make the most delicious galaxy of bruises on your back.”

“Understood,” he replies, body full of lust. Perhaps he could convince the Imperator to punish him regardless of the outcome of his mission. “Thank you, my Lord.”

“You are dismissed,” the Imperator hisses, letting go of his jaw and turning to walk back to his throne.

General Poe Dameron knows better than to linger.

~

Jolting awake, it takes him a few moments to remember where he is and what happened. He was in a TIE Fighter after being rescued by that Stormtrooper. They were hit and swirled back into Jakku’s orbit and Poe yelled to eject. The air rushing past them stole just enough oxygen for him to pass out and wake up here, strapped to the ejection seat half-buried in the sand.

He unbuckles the safety harness and rolls off to the side, landing in the hot sand of the planet. Once he gets his bearings, he stands up and looks around. There’s nothing. No other ejection seat, no TIE Fighter. Just smoke in the distance. That must be it. He’s gotta go see if that kid is okay. The way his rescuer looked at him back on the Destroyer had Poe enamored. He needed to know this kid’s life story and the reason he was able to break through the First Order’s training and want to leave. Finn. He named him Finn.

It’s a rather quick walk, if not exhausting, up the hill and back down to the wreckage of the TIE. It’s smoldering with a few flames flickering inside. He runs to the broken hatch, screaming for Finn. He pulls out Finn’s Stormtrooper helmet before the ground starts to shake. Poe backs away quickly, managing to just avoid sinking in the sand with the TIE Fighter. He nearly drops the Stormtrooper helmet when the thing explodes under the planet’s surface, sending smoke and sand into the air.

~

“Let’s go for a walk,” Poe says, grabbing Finn by the hand.

“Oooo!” Jessica and Kare say from their spot around the fire pit.

“Knock it off,” Snap chastises them, raising his glass to Poe.

When they get away from the fire, Poe doesn’t drop Finn’s hand. Finn doesn’t pull away. They are both drunk. They weave through all the other campers as they move away from the lake and into the woods. They keep walking until Poe finds a nice spot. It’s a patch of moss growing at the base of a large tree, almost like the perfect loveseat just for them. He sits down and pulls Finn to sit next to him.

“I love how bright the moons are,” Poe says nervously.

“They are so beautiful,” Finn replies.

When Poe turns to look at Finn, Finn’s already looking at him. They move in together and press their lips gently as if neither of them could believe it was really happening. Poe puts a hand on Finn’s waist and Finn wraps one up through his hair, deepening the kiss. Finn’s lips move from his down his jaw and to his ear, his breath heavy in Poe’s ear.

“Poe Dameron,” he whispers, “you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this.”

“As long as I have, I’m sure,” he manages to reply as they continue to kiss under the light of the moons, the camping party at the lake long forgotten.

~

_No matter what you do, don’t go in there Poe. Promise me._

He stands in the doorway of his bedroom, listening to the noises coming from down the hall. It’s his mother. She’s yelling and crying for Dad. Poe’s eyes well up with tears listening to his mother cry out for help. He’s scared. His mommy is probably scared too. When Poe is scared, his mom cuddles him in her arms and sings to him or tells him happy stories. But he can’t go in there. Dad told him not to. But he can still be brave for his mommy. It’s his job as the man of the house with Dad is off fetching a doctor.

Biting his lip, he pads down the hall towards the door to their bedroom. He puts his open palm to the door. He wants to go inside so badly. “Mommy, I’m right outside. Daddy went to get the doctor. Everything is going to be okay, Mom.”

“Baby…Poe please come inside,” she cries out.

“Daddy said I have to stay out,” his lip trembles. “He doesn’t want me to get sick.”

“I…baby…” she says before the room goes silent.

“Mommy?” he whimpers. This is bad.

Poe defies his father’s wishes and opens the door. His mother is laying on the bed, looking at him with dark eyes. So dark, almost black. She smiles and beckons him with a crooked finger.

“Come here, Poe, let me show you the way to the Dark Side.”

~

“Poe, I’m right here,” Leia’s voice cuts through the stillness. “You need to come inside.”

Trembling, Poe finds himself awake on the ground in front of the Force Tree. He’s awake, this is real. _This_. He isn’t even entirely sure what just happened. Were those visions of what was to come or what could have been? Were they dreams or fantasies or possibilities? It leaves him pants, sweating, still trembling and dry heaving into the soil at the base of the tree.

“How did I get here?” He asks, spitting into the dirt.

_The air rushing past them stole just enough oxygen for him to pass out and wake up here, strapped to the ejection seat half-buried in the sand._

Her warm hands help him stand and guide him back into the house, settling him on the couch in the main sitting room. She leaves his side for a moment and returns with a bowl of soup and a glass of water, both of which he consumes greedily. Leia takes her place in the chair across from him and clasps her hands in her lap. “I’d offer more but if you gorge after starving for twenty days—and believe me I kept track--you could get very sick.”

“How did I get out there?” he asks, setting the empty dishes on the low table between them.

“Last night as I was preparing for bed, you left your room. You walked right past me, down the stairs and out to the Tree. When I got out there, the tree was vibrating the air all around it, but it was quiet. Calm, not the Force. At least not like I have ever felt it before. Everything went still when you touched the tree.” She tilts her head and looks to him with great concern. “What did you see?”

“I…I don’t know.” His mind races through all of his dreams. Many of those dreams weren’t true memories, even though they were not accurate. He never kissed Finn during the camping trip and he wasn’t Captain in the Resistance. Crying outside of his mother’s bedroom while she asked for his help, that happened. Taking Ben away from the Jedi and living happily ever after was just a fantasy. The burning citadel, the Imperator—whose face he can’t remember now—was that the future? And what of watching Finn sleeping with that small boy?

It isn’t until Leia sits next to him and rubs his back that he realizes he’s been crying. “Was it a message from Finn? Was he strong enough to reach you through the tree?”

Shaking his head, he grabs Leia’s free hand in his. “I’m going insane. I’m falling apart. I need you to help me.”

“I think you should get well and go find Finn.”

He looks at her. “I’m supposed to stay and protect you.”

“You’ll die if you stay here. You’ll get sick just like your mother did.”

_“Come here, Poe, let me show you the way to the Dark Side.”_

He drops her hand. “Like my mother?”

Looking down at the floor, Leia sighs. “Kes told us that before she fell ill she would spend many nights sitting at that tree in what he described as sort of a trance. That tree is very powerful. It holds the key to both the Light Side and the Dark Side, as all Force Relics do. It’s pulling the Dark Side through you now because you are vulnerable. You have to leave here before it consumes you.”

He stands, still shaky on his feet. “I can’t leave, Finn is coming back and if I’m not here…no. The Tree must be destroyed.”

“It’s not that easy, Poe, it’s too valuable. Luke might need it to find me.”

Her words fall on deaf ears as he storms out of the room and to the shed, finding a very old canister of fuel and a box of matches. Leia runs after him as he goes to the Tree in the garden and begins to pour lighter fluid on it. It’s only about eight feet tall, he should have enough to burn it to the ground. Standing back, he removes a match from the box and lights it.

_He holds it up to his face for a moment, studying the way the flame looks almost like water rolling over the wood and staining it black in its wake._

Poe throws the match to the tree and watches the fire take hold. Leia screams at him, pulls his arm, punches his chest with weakened hands. He remembers the stories about how Luke gave his parents that Tree to guard it and protect it from the shattered remains of the Empire as they attempted to rebuild. Leia always told him that story with such reverence as if it was the key to everything and not just another fairytale.

_“You told me during our last visit that you want to leave, well, I’m here to take you away. I love you, Ben Solo.”_

_Ben’s eyes get glassy with tears. “Like in the book?”_

_“Like in the book.”_

Poe turns, not wanting to watch it burn or listen to Leia’s screams any longer. As he walks towards the house he sees two people burst out of the back door and run towards the tree. Two people who shouldn’t be here, who have to be dead. One of them keeps running while the other stops and grabs him tightly.

“POE! Poe, shit,” a hand slaps his face. “POE!”

He blinks, truly looking at the person holding him so tightly. “Kare?”

“What did you do to the tree? The tree Poe, what happened?”

“I…”

“Did you touch the tree?” She stares into his eyes so deeply that if she probably could read his mind even without the Force. “Answer me, did you touch the tree?”

Nodding, he turns his neck to look at the Tree. Snap is holding onto Leia and trying to drag her from the fire. “Why?”

“He touched it,” Kare yells over to Snap as they approach them. “He touched the tree.”

“Shit,” Snap cradles Leia in his arms. “Finn was right.”

“What, Finn? You saw Finn? Is he okay?” Poe asks, feeling the reality of everything shoved in his face. “What do you mean Finn was right, Snap?”

He looks to Kare and back at Poe. “We have to get you and Leia and the droids back to the new base right now. We’ll tell you on the way.”

“Tell me what? I’m not leaving until you tell me what is going on.”

Before Snap can reply, the familiar screaming of TIE Fighters rips through the air above them, just breaking into the orbit of the planet.


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While wallowing in pain on Yavin-4, the rest of the war has continued on. Poe learns of the turmoil of the galaxy and how the Resistance has continued the fight.

It takes almost no time for Snap and Kare to drag Leia, Poe and the droids into the Corellian transport ship barely fitting into the front yard of the house. Poe sits on the wide passenger bench, watching his childhood home get smaller and smaller as they leave the planet. They manage to get just far enough way that he can see the TIE fighters use the flaming tree as a homing beacon and begin to aim blaster strikes into the structure. He closes his eyes before he sees his home explode into a million pieces. Poe can feel it as if he himself were being destroyed and it sends chills and quakes through his body. Instead of fear or anger, he just feels empty with the loss.

Everything Poe has ever had is gone. His home, his books, his clothes, his friends and parents. His Finn.

“Get me some water and a blanket, 3PO,” Leia commands, joining Poe at his side. “And something to eat.”

“He gonna be okay?” Kare shouts back. Poe’s eyes are closed but he’s assuming she is in the co-pilot’s chair next to Snap. These transports are at most thirty feet long so they can all hear each other.

“He hasn’t eaten in over two weeks,” Leia says. “He’s probably going into some sort of shock.”

“Fuck, Snap we have to get out of this system as fast we can,” Kare replies, panic in her voice.

Poe feels a blanket draped over his shoulders and the familiar sensation of Leia pulling his head down to her lap. Her fingers card through his hair like they did when he was a little kid and she hums slightly. Once, when he was ten, his father was on a trip with Han and he got a very bad flu. Leia took care of him the whole week. Poe would cry and whine, calling out for his mother even though he knew she was dead. She held him like this until he fell asleep and stayed by his side the entire time.

Maybe he hasn’t lost everything. Yet.

~

“I should have sent for you sooner,” Snap’s voice rings through the darkness, calling Poe’s eyes to open.

“He’s awake,” Kare says, all but forcing a meal bar into his hand. “Eat this you fucking idiot.”

“Not until…” he pulls himself into a sitting position, “you tell me what is going on.” Snap is seated across from Kare and Poe next to Leia. It’s only now that Poe notices Snap is wearing civilian clothes, as is Kare. Even the shuttle is civilian, meaning they were trying not to be found. “You mentioned a base?”

“Canos-6,” Snap looks to Poe and then Leia. “We have taken up residence in the old mountainside ruins there, so remote nobody would know to look. There aren’t even humanoids that live on that half of the planet.”

“What of the Resistance?” Leia asks with hope on her voice.

“A surprisingly large number of people got off D’Qar and managed to make the rendezvous points,” Kare starts. “We’ve also picked up many new recruits and sympathizers who feel called to the fight after word spread that we took out Starkiller. But we aren’t making the same mistake. There are a couple hundred at our headquarters but we’ve got several bases just as large throughout the galaxy now. That way they would have to take us all out to weaken us.”

“Where is Finn?” Poe asks, finishing his meal bar and taking a second from Kare.

“About two days after I met up with Kare, he arrived in some borrowed transporter.” Snap reaches over to put a hand on his knee. “He told me about why he left you and I nearly clocked him. I’m so sorry, Poe, if I would have known he would have actually left you I wouldn’t have gone.”

“He said he had to find Rey, stop the First Order,” Poe closes his eyes, still tired. “He’s just trying to protect me.”

“After getting some intel from our records, he took BB-8 and the Falcon and left. I don’t know where he is,” Snap continues. “Right after he left, the First Order started to make its presence known again. They hit fast and hard, wiping out settlements and towns all over the galaxy.”

“They’ve got to have Destroyers everywhere,” Kare adds, leaning her elbows onto her knees and clasping her hands in front of her. “They were quiet until that raid on D’Qar and now they are everywhere. All our best minds can’t seem to figure out a pattern. So we sent dozens of people throughout the galaxy to keep tabs on what’s happening and report back. Try to figure out what’s going on.”

“That’s when the rumors started.” Snap stands up and starts to pace the small space, nearly bumping into R2.

“What rumors?” Leia asks.

“We didn’t take any stock in it at first, we thought it was just chatter. It didn’t make any sense, why would the First Order keep issuing strikes and missions if it was true?”

“What was true?” Poe pushes.

“Snoke being dead,” Kare says. “Several of our operatives have reported back about it, seems to be the biggest theory.”

“The Tree…you think that Kylo Ren killed Snoke? That he could sense my location through the Tree?”

“It’s impossible to tell for sure but it was a long shot,” Snap sits down again. “It could be the First Order’s way of trying to lure Luke out of hiding, or any Force Sensitive like you, or tricking the Resistance into retreat. Get us to let our guards down. We are grasping at straws here, but you gotta admit us showing up just moments before the First Order says we could be onto something.”

“Have you heard anything from Finn, or Kylo Ren, or even Snoke?” Kare asks.

“Like in my head?” Poe asks, shaking his head. “No, I haven’t. I’m not even sure Kylo Ren or Snoke could do that from a distance. I was only trying to connect to Finn but I haven’t been able to. He was always stronger than I was anyway.”

Leia gasps and Poe can practically see her thinking. If Snoke is dead, then will Ben come home? Poe nearly grows weak with sympathy at her disgustingly innocent wish. “You are right,” Poe says. “It doesn’t make sense. The death of Snoke should mean that the First Order falls.”

_“He doesn’t know that his days are numbered. With you by my side, we can destroy him and take over the galaxy.”_

“I wonder if he did it,” Poe gasps.

“Who?” Kare asks.

“General Hux.” Poe shudders, leaving half of his second meal bar on the seat next to him. “When he was reconditioning me. He would pump me full of this drug that made me like what he was doing to me. He’d kis...he told me I was his. That we would rule the galaxy together, without Kylo Ren or Snoke.”

“Poe, keep eating,” Leia says. “You are still shaking.”

“It’s not the food, Leia,” Snap says on a soft voice. “That fucker did a number on you. You are safe here, he can’t hurt you.”

“I know,” whispering, Poe wrings his hands. “I know.”

“Excuse me, Sir, we are about to arrive in orbit of Canos-6,” C3PO announces from his spot in the co-pilot’s chair.

~

It seems like they’ve been flying over mountains and forests for nearly an hour. The carrier dipped through several mountains, sparse with trees, following a river. It rounds the side of a mountain and that’s when the base comes into view. A tarmac sits snug against the side of the mountain, fighters and ships in plain view. There are people milling about, performing maintenance on the aircraft. Poe sees a small contingent of Pathfinders—maybe two dozen--emerge from the forest, covered in green ponchos and clearly returning from training for the day.

They land and exit the carrier. As soon as General Organa is noticed, people begin to line up around them and clap. She smiles tightly as they walk quickly inside a large metal doors that open the side of the mountain. It doesn’t take long for Poe to realize that the inside of the mountain is Anirid. An ancient city that was inhabited by Canosians thousands of years ago. One of Poe’s history books said a plague wiped them out and that the highly superstitious people fled the city and walled it up, believing it to be haunted by evil spirits who wanted their mountain back.

Just inside the door is an expansive cavern. Before them is the front of what appears to be a giant palace carved into the very mountain. It must be ten stories tall, leaving the large space to house more fighters. People begin coming out of the palace and lining the natural stone balconies, waving and cheering. The empty space starts to echo the hope ringing through the base. The happiness is a stark contract to the slate grey backdrop of the inside of the mountain. He watches a group of people emerge from an archway in the center of the palace and recognizes Maz Katana amongst the ranks. The hope in the room, no, city, is infectious and for a brief moment he half expects to see Jessica and Chewbacca come running out. Maybe even Finn.

“General Organa,” Poe recognizes Sterling Tiff, one of her Lieutenants. “It is good to see you alive.”

“Get Commander Dameron to medical bay at once,” she commands. “Take me to command, I want to see all you have on what’s been happening since the attack on D’Qar.”

“Right this way, General,” Tiff replies, leading the group through the clapping Resistance and into the palace.

The inside of palace looks more like a city, with more balconies and staircases. More people. Poe thinks there could be at least three people here on this base. That’s too many people to keep in one place. If what happened on D’Qar happened here it could destroy any last bit of Leia’s hope. A young woman clad in a green officer’s uniform approaches Poe, nodding for him to follow her. He looks back to Snap and Kare, but they have already followed Leia and Tiff down another hallway. Poe steps through the monochrome halls with ease. They are empty. No more crowding of refugees into any space available. They probably all have their own bedrooms in a city like this.

It doesn’t take long for them to arrive in the medical bay. Shubuntu is nowhere to be seen, and Poe supposes she may not have gotten off of D’Qar. She was the kind of officer who would have stayed behind until the last person was being carted away. He’s greeted by a young man who begins to scan him, ordering other medical assistance to bring him various medications and tools. Poe is ordered to lay down on the bed and stare at the slate ceiling as he feels needles deliver medication. He is hooked up to an IV filled with creamy orange liquid. He recognizes the same nutrition supplement Finn had been given back on D’Qar after he stopped eating.

Finn left him to find Rey. He chose to look for Rey and Luke out of anger instead of staying with Poe out of love. Things could have been different, Poe saw that. Now there is no future with Finn curled up in bed with a small child, no chance of him taking the name Finn Dameron. Then again, Poe never rescued Ben from the Jedi Academy and it wasn’t Poe who watched the TIE Fighter sink into the sands of Jakku. He never distrusted Finn back on D’Qar. But does he now?

Poe watches the liquid drip down the tube and into the needle in the back of his hand. He remembers the pain and hurt he felt when he found out that Finn stopped eating, even worse when he found out why. There is a part of him who wants Finn to know exactly why his stomach hurt until he got used to the pain. Poe almost wants Finn to suffer for his betrayal, regardless of the intention. He wants Finn to understand just how much this shattered him. Although maybe he already knows. All those nights Finn went to be alone, wanting. The camping trip, the disregard on Nar Shaddaa. The way Poe locked his mind so hard even after all of it. Perhaps this is Poe’s punishment. It is more devastating that any feeling he has ever known and it still doesn’t come close to fitting the crime.

“You always think too loudly.”

Poe reaches for the button and adjusts his bed so that he is sitting up slightly. He sees Maz climbing into the metal chair next to his bed and the last of the nurses leave his side, giving them privacy. “You made it out of there.”

She waves off a hand. “Just barely. I was waiting for you but you didn’t come. Some pilot practically carried me onto a transport.”

“Did you speak with Finn before he left here?”

“I did.” She climbs from the chair onto Poe’s bed, sitting at his feet with legs crossed. “Your pain is so loud it is giving me a headache. You question his devotion to you.”

“He left me because he wants to make Luke Skywalker answer for what he hasn’t done.” Poe swallows. “After all our promises, after everything, he left.”

“Finn is young and much stronger with the Force than I had originally thought. I saw in him a power that I did not see during his training. That power stems from you, Poe Dameron.”

After avoiding her gaze, he looks her in the eye. “Because of our bond?”

“I sense you two worked on your connection since we spoke last. He didn’t say much other than you two were on Yavin-4 together and you were able to finally connect at times.” She smiles. “You let your guard down. You stopped fighting it. I am proud of you.”

“I did. I love him,” balling his fists in the sheet under him he exhales with more force than intended. “That’s why it hurts. He abandoned me for his own revenge. But…revenge is dangerous, right?”

“Indeed it can be. But don’t assume that is all that drives him, nor is it the most powerful of forces he is imploring.” She stands and hops off the bed. “He may be angry with Luke Skywalker, but he also knows he can’t protect you until he trains. He wants to learn how to use the Force.”

“He told you this?”

“He didn’t have to, Poe Dameron. I could feel your energy clinging to his when I saw him, just as I feel his clinging to you. You two will always be a part of each other, even when distance and inexperience closes that connection. Do not doubt him. Do not doubt yourself.”

Poe watches her leave and considers her words. He loves Finn more than he loves himself, more than he ever could. The length to which he would go to save Finn knows no bounds, not anymore. But first he has to learn more about what is happening with the First Order. Snoke can’t be dead, nor can Kylo Ren. General Hux was insistent that he needed a Captain and he picked Poe not just because he was there but because he was valuable. Poe had the knowledge of the First Order that he needed to bolster his mission. A horrible thought crosses his mind—perhaps he has taken Finn—but that too makes no sense. Finn is a Force User and the General finds the Force weak. Makes Poe wonder what would have happened if he knew and was able to use the Force when he was being reconditioned. Maybe he was and that’s why the reconditioning didn’t fully take.

That doesn’t explain why Kare was so upset about Poe touching the tree.  They think Snoke being dead is a rumor. Why would Snoke only now use the Tree to try to find Poe and Finn? To what end? It could be that Snoke was looking for the Traitor, but even that seems like a lot of effort for something that shouldn’t matter. Finn was the first of many to defect from the First Order and he only recently learned of his Force abilities. Those TIE Fighters were looking for that Tree, not them. Otherwise they would have landed and raided the house and not blew it up from the air.

_“But see, I know Snoke is wrong. He is too dependent on Ren, on the Force. The Force is weak, for it wavers….”_

Unless the First Order isn’t looking for a person, but a thing.

“Excuse me,” he calls to a young woman dressed in a medical uniform.

“Yes Commander Dameron?” She smiles wide. Her hair is a warm dark brown almost the color of Finn’s eyes, face littered with freckles. Pink lips and rosy cheeks make her look way too young to be here on a military base. Too young to fight.

“Is it possible to get a data pad with access to the complete archives? Or at least ask if someone could put the request in to General Organa?” He flashes a smile.

The young woman enthusiastically nods. “I can go ask right now.”

“I appreciate your service to the Resistance,” he replies as she leaves to fetch him the data pad.

How he wishes he had all his books, the ones that he had hauled across the galaxy and had their last home on a shelf in his room on D’Qar. The story of the padawan who left the Jedi for his love. Sure, he has the story memorized but it was more than just a story to him. It was a fantasy, a future lost. The piles of stories he had picked up along the way. The gift from Chewbacca, a history of Kashyyyk. The leather-bound text Finn gave him, complete with the gem on the cover. Hand written stories and little drawings from home. A home lost. He used to collect books because they were a tangible representation of the stories therein. They were physical proof of romance and peace, hard battles fought and thrones won. He could hold a book in his hands and prove all those tales were true, in physical form and not just his mind.

It seems like an eternity before the young woman returns with the data pad. The moment she leaves his side he begins to search through the archives, trying desperately to remember the name of an old story he remembered reading as a child. It was a fairytale, sure, but even fairytales hold elements of fact.

All stories, even lies, hold a spark of truth.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe begins to put the pieces together, coming to a terrifying conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and let me know what you like/hate and if you are still reading this crazy fic. I can't believe I have so many subs and kudos, you guys rock!

His eyes open so naturally, no blinking or haze. Well rested. He feels like he actually slept for the first time since Finn left. The bag of nutritional supplement is gone, nothing is sticking in him anymore. Kare is sitting on the chair next to him, a folded green uniform on her lap. She sees him awake and smiles.

“You look better already.”

He sits up, clutching the data pad on his chest. He doesn’t remember falling asleep. “How long was I out?”

“All night, I just got here a few minutes ago so thanks for not making me wait,” she shifts in her chair. “You were mumbling in your sleep. I couldn’t make it out.”

“I think I have an idea as to why the First Order was looking for the Force Tree, but I need to know more. This data pad doesn’t have a map of the recent Stormtrooper strikes.” He holds it up. “I requested full access.”

“You really think any of us were going to let some of our most sensitive data out on a pad, even to you?” she stands and hands him the clothing. “General Organa is requesting the presence of Commander Dameron in the command center.”

She turns and leaves, closing a curtain behind her. Poe quickly stands up, surprised that he isn’t dizzy, and dresses in the heavy uniform. Clutching the data pad, he opens the curtain to find Kare waiting for him. “Are you my escort?”

“I just realized you probably don’t know where we are going,” she says. “I’m sorry. About your home.”

He swallows. “Me too.”

“We should have come for you sooner, but Snap was convinced that you were safe there. I had to go on a run to meet up with some of my intel officers and he stayed to cover the base for me anyway. We were spread too thin. Anyway, he thought you were safe. Until he heard the rumors about Snoke. He thought that Kylo Ren would use the Force to get to you, why?” She turns to face him, stopping him in the empty hallway.

“Because I knew Kylo Ren before. When he was still Ben Solo. We…we were in love. I mean, we were teenagers. But I knew him.” Poe turns and continues walking.

“Kylo Ren is the son of the General leading the Resistance,” Kare shrugs her shoulders. “Alright.”

“Only Snap and Finn, and Rey, and now you know. As does Leia, obviously. This isn’t meant to be public,” Poe warns.

“Trust me, the last thing the people want to hear is that we are fighting a war against General Organa’s own son.”

Kare’s demeanor seems so calm for the news she just heard. She isn’t pissed off or even shocked. She didn’t even pause when she heard, she just kept walking. Snap wouldn’t have told her, even though she has been a trusted member of their squadron for a few years. Has this war really turned her into someone who can’t be surprised anymore? It makes Poe sad to know that so many people are out there just like that. People forever scared by what they have paid for their freedom—if they don’t die at the hands of the First Order first. Or one of Leia’s or Poe’s mistakes. If it wasn’t so depressing, he’d laugh. He lets a smirk leave his lips for a brief moment anyway.

“I’m not so sure we are fighting against Kylo Ren anymore,” Poe says as they round a corner and enter through two swinging doors.

Every Resistance command center is essentially the same. Crowded screens and control panels. Communications officers carefully monitoring radio reports and entering data with feverish typing. This one is colder, somehow, than even the one on D’Qar. The stone of the mountain makes everything cold here, he is starting to realize as he sees many of the officers wearing jackets and cowls. Kare leads him through to a small white door on the opposite side of the room. When they enter, they find Snap, Leia, Tiff, Barclay, and about three other people Poe doesn’t recognize.

“Poe fucking Dameron,” Barclay stands and gives him a quick hug. “I am so glad to see you.”

“You made it,” Poe says, a little shocked. “Last I saw you were in that thick battle at the lake.”

He nods. “Most of my squad managed to take back the lake. By the time we pushed through to the base everyone was gone. We made it a week until another transport showed up. But here I am. And here you are. I heard Finn died on D’Qar but when I saw him here a few weeks ago…”

“Yeah, glad to see the decoy worked,” Poe says, not really wanting to talk about Finn right now.

“Thank you for your briefing,” Leia nods to Tiff and Barclay. The two men leave the room and she sits down. “Poe, you look better.”

“I need to see a map of all the First Order strikes since D’Qar,” Poe starts, still clutching the datapad tightly.

Snap hits some keys on the edge of the large table in the room and a hologram image shines up above it. Orange dots indicate which planets on which systems were hit. Poe examines each system silently, with his cohorts all seated and watching. He pulls up the Core Worlds map separately, noting the obvious attacks on Resistance-friendly planets such as Corellia and Ganthel. When he pulls up Coruscant, he sees the typical hits, quite a few of them. Considering the number of museums and archives it seems to fit his theory, but not enough for solid action. Poe can hear everyone whispering as they watch him work but he pays them no mind. Then he pulls up the Outer Rim territories.

The Outer Rim has just as many attacks on it. Arkanis is covered, some larger attacks centered on Scarparus and the old Arkanis Academy city. Vetine, Nar Shaddaa, Unkatar, all these planets that were either neutral or previously known Empire territories. While they never confirmed Snoke’s location or the current First Order home origin, Leia and Poe were both sure it was in the Outer Rim. The hits on Nar Shaddaa include some older trade shops as well as storage units. A further examination of several planets shows hits on Jakku—some in trade ports and some in the middle of nowhere. Ship graveyards where old fighters and destroyers landed during the Rebellion.

“They are looking for something,” Poe mutters.

He pulls up the old stories on his datapad and reads as fast as his eyes will move. He glances up at the maps and ticks through them all just as fast, making notes in his mind as he goes. Poe begins to find all the correlations he expected, but there seems to be something missing. There are so many attacks, all over the galaxy, it could be completely a coincidence. Correlation does not equal causation, it does not automatically make his theory true. He has the how and the where and who, well, at least the general who. He needs to know the _why_.

Scanning back to Yavin-4, Takodana, D’Qar, Arkanis, Corellia, Coruscant…then it hits him. The answer has been in his backyard this whole time.

“Leia, tell me everything you know about that tree,” he says, not taking his eyes off the map. “Where did it come from and why did he give it to her?”

“Luke thought that Emperor Palpatine was collecting Force-Sensitive objects,” she begins. “He took your mother to go find them on Vetine, the Imperial Base there. He was going to take it and plant it back on Coruscant where he wanted to rebuild the Jedi Academy, but last minute he changed his mind and gave it to her. All he told me is that it was safer to keep these objects apart, should they find any more.”

“Do you remember the old story about Je’daii Order? How the original Je’daii created the Force? I mean, it was an old fairytale but…” Poe swallows. “The origin of the Light Side and the Dark Side.”

“The Ashla and the Boglan,” Leia whispers.

“They believed no Je’daii could be all of one or the other. Each Je’daii has a balance of the two.” Poe takes a deep breath.

“There was a civil war between the factions when the Force Hounds were created. That’s when the Jedi broke free from the Dark Side. Then a faction of the Jedi broke off and formed the Galactic Empire.”

“The Force Hounds were thought to be Force-Sensitive creatures trained by those who fell to the Boglan. But this,” Poe holds up his data tablet, “this old story is about how those same Je’daii actually created the Hounds using to Boglan. When all the Hounds a Je’daii created were killed, they died.”

“That’s just a story,” Leia shakes her head.

“All stories have an element of truth,” Poe says. “Look at all these attacks. They aren’t just on Resistance-friendly planets. They struck planets in the Outer Rim. They even hit old Empire and current First Order cities. Look at the locations. Museums, shipping yards, storage units, old shops, the rubble of old schools and academies.” Poe looks up at the room, everyone transfixed on him. “What if the Hounds weren’t the only thing that Ashla and Boglan Je’daii created?”

“What do you mean?” Snap asks, shocked. Clearly this history lesson was not one he’d had before.

“The Tree. Luke wanted to hide the Tree, keep it from where someone would find it. He thought it would be safe with my parents. My mother was Force-Sensitive. What if the Ashla also created their own types of Hounds? But instead of living creatures…”

“They put their Force strength into objects,” Leia finishes. “Like the Tree.”

“Or books, or pendants, or even a painting or a map or a plate.” Poe gazes back at the map.

“What the ever loving fuck…” Snap sits down. “The First Order is going to destroy the fucking Light Side. But that means that Kylo Ren…surely…unless they are also hoarding those Boglan Hound thingies.”

“It’s possible,” Leia says. “The true Je’daii, the ones who hadn’t broken into a faction, probably made these…Hounds…for both sides. Maybe they are destroying the Ashla Hounds and keeping the Boglan ones?” She turns to Poe.

“General Hux told me that no Jedi could be all Dark Side, that was Kylo Ren’s weakness. Snoke’s weakness. They would always have light to them. He said Snoke ordered Kylo Ren to destroy all his ties to the Light Side. Han, me, Chewbacca…you.” He looks up at Leia. “General Hux was trying to beat him to the punch so he couldn’t find that resolution. He would always remain balanced between both. “The First Order is looking for the Ashla Hounds and the Boglan Hounds, if there are any. General Hux is going to destroy not just the Light Side, but the Force.”

“Which means Snoke is probably dead,” Kare says. “I mean, if the General is trying to destroy the Force right? Snoke uses the Dark Side to rule, so that would be his first target. Then Kylo Ren.”

“Hux is good at…making you think something.” Poe shudders. “He might be using Ren to find these objects before he kills him and he might not even know what he’s doing.” For the first time, Poe is actually hoping Kylo Ren is strong enough to fight against General Hux and his tactics.

“So what do we do now?” Leia asks.

“Finn was right. We have to find Luke. He is the strongest Jedi left, if anyone can find these objects it would be him. It might take all four of us together, sharing our energy, but we need him.” Poe finally sits down. “Can’t we track the Falcon?”

“Tried,” Snap says. “Most of the tracking systems were removed before your mission to Nar Shaddaa, Finn must have found the rest.”

“The map? Leia, don’t we still have a copy of the map?”

“I ordered it destroyed, Finn and Rey have the only copies. I didn’t want to risk it falling into the hands of the First Order.” She puts her head in her hands. “We need to figure out why the First Order has stopped hunting for these Hounds.”

“Could they have gotten them all?” Kare asks.

“If they have, we would know I would think,” Poe says. “If the origins of the Force were destroyed, everything would feel it. The Force is disseminated throughout the entire galaxy, I’m sure we would have felt it.”

“If the Force was destroyed, everything would be gone,” Leia says. “The Force flows through everything, sensitive or not.”

“If anything we would have felt a disturbance,” Poe says, wanting to laugh at the way he sounds. He knows they only have one shot to figure this out now. “Unless Luke walks through that door right now, there is only one way to find out.”

“Why do I have a feeling I’m not going to like this?” Snap asks.

“I have to go back to General Hux.” Poe stands again. “I have a good story. Finn left me on Yavin-4. It…it broke me. My reconditioning was much deeper than we thought. I go crawling back to Hux, become his Captain. Find out what’s happening. Then…I stop it.”

“There is no way I’m letting you do that,” Leia says. “You still haven’t found yourself…”

“Hux didn’t know I was Force Sensitive, neither did I at the time. Now, I’m not strong. I can’t move things or read minds. But I do have a bond with Finn. If he practices, if I practice, I can send him information. He can relay it back to you or Luke.” He nods. “It’s our only hope.”

“I forbid it,” Leia says.

“Then I announce my resignation from the Resistance.” Poe walks towards the door, pausing with his hand on the knob. “I’ll find my own way to the First Order.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ll help you,” Snap says, coming to stand next to him.

“Me too,” Kare joins them.

Poe looks back to Leia. “You know this is all we have left.”

Tears running down her face, she nods. “Snap, find him a shuttle. May the Force be with you, Poe.”

He can’t bear to say goodbye before leaving the room.

~

Poe doesn’t sleep that night.

He stares at the stone ceiling of his private room. The bed is big and empty next to him. His hand reaches out for Finn but nothing is there. He tries to call out to Finn through the connection but doesn’t get a response. Pouring himself into it, he only hopes that Finn is strong enough to catch it and he’s too weak to know that he hears him.

When Poe finally does close his eyes, he pictures Hux laying over him. Warm lips and hands traveling his body. Words of encouragement and love and trust spilling into his ears. He has to. Poe knows that he has to believe it, truly believe it, or his mission will fail.

_“You are doing so well, Poe.”_

_“We are destined to be close, no sense in fighting it.”_

_“Embrace the dark side, Poe.” He removes his gloves and caresses Poe’s face. “I told you that I could love you. I could love you back._

_The General leans down and brushes his lips against Poe’s ear. “You could be my world and I would give you the galaxy._

_“I’m yours,” Poe says. “All of me.”_

_Hux stops his assault on Poe and brings a hand up to his face, cupping it gently. “There’s my Poe.”_

_“Please,” Poe begs. “I love you. I am weak, I am small. I let them get into my head. I need you to keep me strong. I am your Captain and I want to lead your army. Forever.”_

When he opens his eyes he fights the urge to cry, run, throw up, bash his head against the stone. Tomorrow morning he’ll be leaving to find General Hux, and become the Captain of the First Order. He can only hope that Finn is strong enough to hear him. But what if he isn’t? Poe gets up and turns on the small light, finding some paper and writing utensils in the drawer of the small desk near the door. He sits down and begins to write a letter, much like the letter Finn left for him. It takes up all the paper he has, so he leaves his room only to search for more and return to keep writing.

He writes until Snap knocks on his door.

“It’s time to go,” Poe says to Snap and begins to gather the pages.

“No, it’s not,” Snap says almost too fast for Poe to catch. “Fuck, Poe, come with me.”

Poe stands, not realizing just how tired he is, and follows Snap. Only when do they get to the end of the hall does Poe realize he’s barefoot on the cold stone and in his sleeping clothes, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. There’s a familiar sensation, like he’s being wrapped in a warm hug and he swears he can feel Finn. Then it hits him.

_I love you, Poe Dameron._

The connection is open. Finn must be close. Poe nearly collapses from the sensation of being inside of Finn’s head, but he feels a wall. One that wasn’t there before.

“What’s going on?” he mutters to himself as he continues to follow Snap through the base.

He sees the massive doors open the side of the mountain, letting the natural light shine through. It’s sunny. It’s only ever been dreary and grey since they arrived. Pushing through crowds, he makes his way to the edge of the balcony on the fifth floor, peering down at the scene before him. He had to grip the bannister hard to keep from falling.

It’s the Millennium Falcon.

Before he can process it, his body starts running. Legs carry him down the stairs, so many stairs, until he bursts through the main arch and on the ground floor. He sees Kare and Leia have already beat him to the doorway, so he starts to run. That’s when he feels it, the connection. Finn is walking out of the Falcon and can feel Poe. He feels Finn’s joy and shame mixed with his own anger and relief. Tears stream down his face and he doesn’t care where they stem from. All he wants is to hold Finn again, until he has the urge to punch him.

He stops in his tracks when he sees Rey and Luke. Rey’s hair is down and long over her shoulders. Her brown robes remind Poe of Ben’s as a padawan. She stands strained next to Luke, clad in grey. Luke Skywalker looks much older than he remembers, than he should. Poe can feel them guarding their thoughts. They look to him simultaneously as if they know he can. He wonders if Finn is connected to them too.

“Poe.”

Looking over Rey’s shoulder, he sees Finn wearing that jacket. He bites his lip and begins to approach him when the rest of the image comes into view and stops him. Finn runs to him and grabs him in his arms, nearly knocking him over. Poe wants to kiss him but…something is not right. He rings out the thought to Finn, who doesn’t respond. Walls still up.

“I…I don’t…” Poe gasps, pushing Finn away.

“Poe, it’s not…”

“You left me,” he says. “And you’re hiding something. I can see the walls, Finn.”

“Finn is hiding them from you on my request.”

Poe turns to the gravely sound of Luke’s voice. “Your request? He’s choosing you and your lies and cowardice over me? Over us?”

“Come with us onto the Falcon, we’ll show you.” Rey says, offering a hand to Poe.

He takes it, instantly feeling her warm voice flood his head. She keeps telling him that Finn loves him, that everything is not what it seems. Luke can be trusted, she says over and over. He feels Finn there, too, just watching her trying to comfort him. He feels shaky as he follows Rey, Finn, Luke and Leia onto the Falcon.

They lead him into the main room with the round table. That’s when he sees what they were talking about. A person is seated on the white bench behind the table, clad in cuffs glowing green. He feels a bind of some sort, a Force energy. It makes him uneasy. Rey and Finn both float into his mind to try to soothe him, making him understand it is a type of Force energy meant to bind someone who cannot be bound. They assure him that Poe is safe.

Poe doesn’t have to look this person in the face to know who it is. He doesn’t want to because then it becomes real. Every single thing he told himself about the past and about the future is crumbling. Every platitude and every assurance he thought he had about this person will fall apart when he looks into this person’s eyes.

He does anyway.

“Ben.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been working up to this since like chapter 2. Poe's books were always meant to mean more to the plot that the romance piece.
> 
> While the basic story of the civil war in the Je'daii is all Star Wars canon/legends, I pushed it one step farther to make the "hounds" basically horcruxes. I got the idea when I read Shattered Empire and thought there was so much more to that Force twig that Luke gave Poe's mother. My intention for this fic was to always have Kylo Ren/Ben come back into Poe's life somehow for some sort of showdown/confrontation.
> 
> I'm doing a Comicon in KC next weekend and after that is the Supernatural finale which I will be watching at a party with a 67 Impala replica so the next chapters may be slower. I gotta finish my Poe Dameron cosplay.
> 
> If you read Dilate, this doesn't spoil that story in that the journey is the fun part.


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe confronts Finn. Rey discusses what happened since she left D’Qar and how they are going to move forward against the First Order.

“POE!”

He runs. Out of that room, off the Falcon, and towards the trees ahead. He can’t be there, not now. Not with him there. Poe keeps running, stumbling over fallen branches or rocks as he weaves through the trees. His lungs hurt, his muscles burn, his bare feet are cold but none of that matters as long as he keeps running. Run until he can’t hear Finn or Rey or Luke jump into his head and attempt to explain. How the hell are they doing that, it doesn’t make sense. The only two people who have ever been in his head were Kylo Ren and Finn, and even then it took a Force bond to get that with Finn.

It doesn’t take long for Poe to tire, having only just gotten out of med bay. He falls to the grass on his hands and knees and begins to scream. He pounds the ground and screams until he feels his fists wet with blood and his throat is hoarse. Poe feels big hands on his shoulders trying to pull him up, but he pushes them away and stands on his own. He turns around to see Finn.

“You stay the hell away from me,” Poe warns, backing away from him.

“It wasn’t my idea.” Finn begins.

“No, you fucking left, Finn.” Poe wipes his face with one hand, keeping the other on his hip. “Then you show up with these…walls…between us. And him.”

“Master Luke thought…”

“Master?” Poe scoffs, turning so his back is facing Finn.

Finn cringes but continues. “Master Luke thought that if you realized who was on the ship you would have shot us down.”

“You really think I would have killed you just to kill Kylo Ren?”

“You called him Ben.”

“Fuck you, Finn.”  Poe turns around, looking him in the eye. “You left me for some revenge plot against Luke Skywalker and now you show up, calling him Master, toting Kylo Ren with you as some sort of what, trophy? Why isn’t he dead? You know what, I don’t even want to fucking know. But you found your precious Rey and now you three, or four, can go off and fucking read each other’s minds and lift rocks and shit.”

“Poe, I can’t say that leaving to find Rey was a mistake.” Finn’s eyes well with tears. “I thought—and I still think—that the only way I can keep you safe is to end this. The only way to end this was…”

“End what, exactly? The war? Or us?” Poe’s breath catches at the thought, but even he realizes the reality of what he said.

“What?” Finn’s tears flow freely now and it makes Poe both heartbroken and angry. Finn doesn’t deserve those fucking tears. “I don’t understand your anger. You can’t possibly think it’s okay to be angry at me for trying to protect what I love the most in the entire galaxy.”

“You know what?” Poe steadies himself, feeling his hands start to hurt from hitting the ground. “You and I should have died at that house of old age, happy. Not in the middle of this war. Not with my last thoughts being how much I fucking hate you for leaving.”

“What I did to you? Poe, you completely destroyed me over and over again and I let you because I love you.”

“You can’t just say that and erase what happened, Finn. That’s not how the world outside the First Order works.” Poe takes a deep breath, steeling himself from screaming again. He tentatively pokes to see if the connection is around, but it’s not. Shut down. Hopefully for good.

“Not how it works, huh? So how does this work. How do you and me work, then, Poe? You don’t think I realized how you treated me back on D’Qar after I woke up? Like I’m some sort of child to be taken care of and protected from anything that might threaten your hold over me. You were so disgustingly bitter when you thought Jessica and I were together during that camping trip and don’t think she didn’t tell me about what happened. Then on Nar Shaddaa…you did everything you could to push me away even though I was practically on my knees begging for you to love me back.”

“I was trying to protect you…”

“Oh yeah, sure I know all about that. See, I’m trying to save your life and protect you from the First Order and all you did was attempt to protect me from your selfish ways, which, by the way, failed miserably.” Finn huffs. “You had your head so far up your own ass that you couldn’t see how much I was hurting. I tried reaching out, to Jessica and Snap, but they weren’t who I needed.”

“So you depend on me? I’m your keeper is that it? I thought you were an adult.”

“I needed the person who made me.”

“I didn’t make you, I just gave you a name.” Poe says. He moves towards Finn, feeling a yearn to hold him despite his anger, but he stops himself.

“Back on Nar Shaddaa, that night I caught you with those two men, I hated you. I hated you for picking anyone but me, for making me feel like a stupid child, for making me feel less about myself.” Finn looks at the ground. “I was so ashamed that I even felt that way, but I was so hurt and confused. I left the jacket for you and promised that I would never, ever feel that way again, no matter what.”

“Finn,” Poe takes another step closer, just a few steps away from touching. “I still love you, but I  don’t know if I can trust you anymore.”

“Leaving you back on Yavin-4 was the hardest thing I have ever done and part of me will never forgive myself for it, even though it was the right choice.” Finn closes the gap between them and takes one of Poe’s hands in his. “I did the right thing and if losing your love is the price I have to pay to keep you safe then I will.”

“I…” Poe looks at their hands before pulling away. “I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. I think…whatever we had might be over.”

Finn lets go of his hand. “I will wait for you, because I still love you.”

Poe doesn’t speak as Finn turns and walks away. He slumps back to the ground and buries his face in his hands, feeling an odd mix of emotions and missing the comfort of their connection as he remembers it. He misses who he was, who they were, before he left. He’s afraid of what’s waiting back at the base in the Falcon.

~

“What if I never see you again?” Ben asks, touching his hand to Poe’s cheek.

“That’s stupid, you’ll see me again soon,” Poe leans against the touch. “Your birthday is coming up. You’ll be sixteen in a few months. I’ve been planning your gift.”

“Anything could happen.”

“Why would you say that, Ben?”

Ben puts his hand down and crawls out of bed, reaching for his black robes on the floor of their room on the Falcon. “I’ve just been thinking, it’s a big galaxy. You’re going off to fly for the Senate and what if the pirates on the trade routes decide to fight back? What if I were to fall ill?”

“That’s not going to happen, Ben,” Poe sits up in bed, naked. “I don’t like when you talk like this.”

“You mean speak the reality of life.”

“Ben…don’t make this more difficult than it already is.”

“What do you mean?” Ben turns around, fully dressed.

“Every time we say goodbye it destroys me,” Poe stands and puts his arms around Ben. “I love you and not being with you is the worst pain I can imagine.”

“You’d do best not to put your entire life into one thing,” Ben kisses him. “Take care, Poe.”

~

Poe doesn’t remember going back in the house. Somehow he is in bed, with Leia sitting next to him.

“I read the letter from Finn,” she says quietly. “I’m so sorry my dear.”

“He’s…gone…” Poe mumbles from under the blanket. “He left.”

“I know what it is like to be left behind, Poe.”

“What am I going to now?” He asks, not moving. His entire body hurts.

“We wait.” Leia sighs. “When your life is lived to love a man who is strong-willed, you wait. Wait for them to return or wait for word of their death.”

“Waiting sounds like death,” Poe responds.

“Waiting is that strange place in between,” Leia says, standing. “Finn will return for you, that I know.”

Poe wishes he could be so sure.

~

Poe wakes up to a warm hand on his shoulder. He blinks his eyes open and sees Rey seated on the ground next to him. He’s covered with a blanket and it’s dark outside. He moves to sit up, his head sore from the screaming and crying.

“Drink,” Rey orders, handing him a canteen. When he does and hands it back, she hands him a meal bar. “Eat.”

He does, waiting until it’s gone before speaking. “What happened?”

“Where do I start?” She asks, looking at him. Her brown eyes are warm and comforting. They make Poe feel safe.

“From the beginning,” he replies, sliding the blanket over his shoulders to keep warm.

“I began training with Luke when I found him.” Rey shifts and gets comfortable. “He began to meditate for the first time since…since Ben destroyed the Jedi. I told him all about Finn and the First Order and he had that message sent back to the base.”

Poe swallows and looks at the ground, thinking of Chewbacca. “We ended up going to Nar Shaddaa, me and Finn, to find defectors.”

She nods. “We continued to train until Finn found us. When he walked up to us, we both felt his Force slam into us like a rock. It was…shocking. Finn is very strong with the Force, perhaps strong enough to be a Jedi. So are you, Poe. I can feel it. Very strong, stronger than you think.”

“How did you find Kylo Ren?” Poe deflects.

“Finn told us everything. We trained for a few days with him, mostly to work on his mind and bonds. He is irrevocably bonded to you, Poe, but his bond with you gives him the strength to float into others. Luke and I were able to read his thoughts, those that he let us read, get all the information we needed.”

“So you know about us,” Poe says.

She smiles at him and puts a hand on his knee. “Yes, I know. You have something that I don’t even have with my own father.”

“Luke?”

“Yes, Luke. It’s a long story for another time. He and I can wade through each other’s minds, but our connection doesn’t have that level of depth that yours does. Luke is still able to hide things from me, build walls…”

“Finn does now,” he scoffs. “Against me. You and Luke taught him that.”

“We had to, knowing that we were going after Kylo Ren he had to learn to protect his mind. Just like we’ll have to teach you. You know what it is like to have him inside your head, Finn told us.”

“He’s already ruined us, it doesn’t matter.”

“Poe, he loves you so deeply. When we were training him to block his thoughts, I saw a lot. It was you, it always led back to you and the way he sees you is so beautiful. You’ve already seen the depth of him, of his soul. That’s…” she looks off into the distance. “Something worthy of being treasured.”

“We were talking about Kylo Ren,” Poe insists, feeling equal parts shame and anger over his earlier fight with Finn.

“Finn convinced Luke to leave the island after telling us everything that had happened. We were getting supplies on a moon when someone recognized Finn from D’Qar, one of the members of the control stations. They caught us up on what Snap and Kare were doing with getting the Resistance back up. They said that General Organa was dead, even though Finn already told us about the decoy’s it seems that information hasn’t made it out yet. That’s when we started learning of all the strikes by the First Order.”

“They were looking for Force-Sensitive objects,” Poe says.

Rey looks at him with a bit of shock mixed with a smile. “You figured it out. You are stronger with the Force than you know.”

“I read a lot of stories as a child, that’s all.”

“No, you felt it deep down. Luke said he felt the tree burn, the tree he gave your mother. You knew it, Poe Dameron.” The way Rey says his name fills him with warmth and a sense of unconditional love that he doesn’t deserve. “Finn felt it burning, too. He knew you were in trouble and he convinced us to bring Ben here so he could go back and find you.”

“How long…”

“After we learned of the Force objects being taken, we tried to go to a temple on Coruscant to retrieve one before it was too late. A crystal. In the process, we found Kylo Ren. It wasn’t easy, he fought us. Finn and I wanted to kill him right there, but Luke forbade it. The crystal we went to look for has special Force powers, it can bind a Force User. Luke fashioned it into those cuffs he’s wearing and we took him aboard the Falcon. Luke sees that he is weak. His commitment to the Dark Side is fading, but he won’t tell us anything. He’s too valuable to kill, apparently.”

“You don’t agree either.”

“There is a divide amongst us now. Finn is on Luke’s side, believing that we need Ben alive. You and I do not.” She stands. “How can we begin to fight the real battle against Lord Snoke and his commander of the First Order?”

“General Hux has lots of tools at his disposal,” Poe shudders. “But he is just a man. Surely you and myself, even with what limited Force abilities I have, can stand against him.”

“Do you suggest we betray Luke and Finn?”

“Haven’t they betrayed us both already? Finn said you grew up on Jakku without your family. Abandoned into the arms of a slimy trader who used you as a scavenger slave?”

“He tried to protect me from the fate that landed to Ben.” Rey turns away. “Leia told us of your plan to return to General Hux. Luke forbade it.”

Poe could roll his eyes right now but he chooses not to allieante what might be his on ally left. “What was the goal of bringing Kylo Ren here?”

“To turn him to the Light,” Rey says. “He is the only Force-sensitive Snoke has left.”

“I thought there were Knights…”

She shakes her head. “The Knights of Ren are all dead.”

“You think they were looking for the objects to strengthen Kylo Ren and Snoke?” Poe pockets his hands. “I’ve seen what Kylo Ren is capable of without the extra strength.”

“That was before Luke. Before I began training. And of course finding the Force within Finn and yourself helps bolster our ranks.”

“I’m no Jedi.”

“You are strong, Poe. Stop distrusting yourself.” Rey approaches and takes Poe’s hands in her own. He feels a connection open between them, not as intense as with Finn, but comforting. It’s mostly just feelings of comfort and strength. “Come, let’s go back.”

“I don’t want to go back there.”

“Ben is in the brig on the Falcon, under Snap and Luke’s guard. Snap refused to bring him in the base, said that if anyone else found out they would charge the jail cell and kill him.”

“They aren’t wrong.” Poe pulls Rey in for a warm hug, which she reciprocates. Her arms are deceptively strong. “Thank you, Rey. For taking care of Finn.”

They break the hug and walk back to the base. Poe doesn’t look at the Falcon as they make their way into the base. He walks Rey to the room she was assigned and walks down the hall to his own. As he passes the door next to his own, he swears he can hear crying through the door. He considering knocking on the door but refrains, going to his own room instead and closing the door.

He sees the discarded letter on the desk and gathers the pages. So many words he isn’t sure hold weight anymore. Poe notices that someone came in and started a fire in the fireplace of his room while he was out. Holding the letter, he stands before the fire and regrets what he said to Finn in the woods. Finn was right about so much, and Poe has done so much to hurt them both. He loves Finn more than he loves himself, but he still isn’t sure he can trust him. Everything Rey said makes sense, about having to guard his mind from Kylo Ren and trying to protect him. Finn didn’t lie to him, he never did.

Poe sets the letter back on the desk and crawls into his bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter felt very choppy to me, because there was a lot of awkward stuff that had to take place in one chapter so it felt strange. 
> 
> The next chapter of this and Dilate will be slow coming. I'm going to a con this weekend where I will be cosplaying Poe and my husband will be Kylo Ren (DARKPILOT!) so I'm going spend the rest of this week putting the final touches on those (I'll post pics to my Tumblr).
> 
> As always, thanks for the comments. They let me know what you think!


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke Skywalker tells Poe the truth and Poe realizes he has more in common with the Jedi than he thought. He makes a decision which will alter not only his own life, but the course of the war against the First Order.

It’s Kare that comes to his room and forces him to get dressed and head to the mess. With her is BB-8 and damned if Poe doesn’t actually hug the droid. In the midst of everything, 8 feels familiar. A constant. He hides his tears from Kare as 8 chitters and beeps about how he missed Poe and how happy he is that Poe is alive and how Finn took care of him.

He eats what she puts in front of him and is thankful that she doesn’t ask questions. He drinks the tea and watches as the other fighters mill about. Some are talking, some laughing, some even look hung over. Does he look hung over, or just one step away from dead? Doesn’t it even matter? He might as well be, after the things he said to Finn yesterday.

“General Organa has requested that you meet them in her ready room.” Kare says as they put their trays away.

“They?”

“The Force-Sensitive merry band of misfits,” Kae snarks. “I don’t like being left out of the loop. Not after everything I did to put the Resistance back together after. There’s something on the Falcon, that much I know. Snap was out there all night guarding it.”

“Kare,” Poe stops her and puts his hands on her shoulders. “The galaxy will be forever grateful for all that you have done. I promise you we are not withholding intel because we don’t value you.”

“Nah, I’m just not cool enough to sit at your table,” she smiles. “I get it.”

Poe looks around the hall to see they are alone. “Kylo Ren is on the Falcon.”

“What the fuck…” she gasps.

“It’s just those of us with the Force and Snap that knows, we left him there instead of bringing him inside the base. If anyone else found out…”

“They’d fucking kill him which is what you should be doing.” She pulls away from Poe. “If he’s here, what’s to stop the First Order from crashing down on us? What the fuck are you protecting Poe?”

“It’s complicated, but I promise you, we are safe.”

Kare nods skeptically. “Fine. I’m going to have all my troops practice high alert drills.”

“As you were, Pilot. 8, go with her and help with the drills, okay?”

The droid beeps back in agreement. Poe watches her practically storm off as he turns to walk to the ready room. When he arrives he sees he’s the last to the party. Don’t look at Finn, he tells himself. Don’t look. He seats himself between Leia and Rey, with Luke and Finn across the table. He clasps his hands in front of him on the table and looks to Leia. “What is the purpose of this meeting?”

“Poe, I would like you to fill everyone in on your discovery and your plan to infiltrate the First Order,” she says.

“They already know,” he spits. “They read my mind.”

“For me, then, please,” she puts a hand on his.

Poe acquiesces, recounting his discovery and the stories of the Ashla and Boglan and all of his research on the attacks across the galaxy. He watches Finn from his peripheral vision and tries to keep himself steady. His voice cracks a few times but he manages not to break down in front of everyone. He explains his reconditioning by General Hux and his confidence that he can successfully infiltrate the First Order and find the objects. Only when he sits down does Luke speak.

“He speaks the truth, about the objects.” Luke’s voice is graveled and worn. “The objects can be used to harness the power of the Force, as we have seen with the crystal that is binding Ben Solo.”

“General Hux was acting outside of the orders of Snoke,” Poe adds, feeling the urge to vomit at the mention of Ben Solo. “He feels that the Force is weak.”

“But if he is not Force-sensitive, perhaps he believes that he can use the Boglan Hounds to harness the Dark Side without needing to fight the Light Side in himself,” Finn adds.

Poe doesn’t look at him. “And he could be taking the Ashla Hounds to keep the Resistance from gaining more power.”

“You think that General Hux would believe your story?” Rey asks.

He nods. “I do. I didn’t even know I was Force-sensitive when I was being reconditioned. Looking back on it now, the Force is probably what kept me from going full-on Dark Side at the time. But…I got close. Too close,” he shudders. “Anyway, now I know I can fake it.”

“Poe…” Finn says softly. “What if he finds out? He has the objects, surely he could find out somehow…”

“He could sense other Jedi if he learned how to use the objects, almost like a tracking device,” Luke adds. “If that happens…”

“Then I’m dead.” Poe swallows and stands, hands pressed to the table. “But other than a handcuffed Sith Lord, a coward, a liar and a scavenger what else do we have?”

“Sit down you ass,” Rey scolds. As much as Poe wants to hate her purely on principle, he does as he’s told and his heart warms towards her. Just a little.

“You don’t have enough training to safely combat the objects,” Luke says. “From what you said yourself, there hasn’t been an attack in several days. That’s when we captured Ben.”

“Kylo.”

“Knowing that General Hux is working to overthrow Snoke, it is very possible that Kylo Ren has remained loyal to his Master. Meaning he is our greatest tool at finding these objects. Or slowing the General’s acquisition of them.”

“If we stop General Hux, then that takes one variable out, right?” Finn asks. “That just leaves Snoke and Kylo Ren to deal with.”

Luke tilts his head. “Either way, the First Order knows that he is either dead or with me now. You returning to General Hux, no matter how convincingly, will be met very skeptically if at all. You require training.”

“I know how to fight during war,” Poe says, sitting.

“Your mother was strong enough to be a Jedi, Poe. Perhaps you are too.”

“No, that’s not my path, that’s not what I want.” Poe stands again. “I’m completing this mission.”

“May I ask that everyone else leave us? I wish to speak with Poe alone.” Luke says calmly.

Deciding not to argue, he looks down at the table as everyone files out of the room. He waits until the door closes behind them to speak. “Why are you so damned special?”

“If you stop trying to make me an adversary, you would see that I can be a great ally.”

“Where were you fifteen years ago?” Poe sits again, clenching his fists on his thighs. “When Snoke was digging his claws into Ben? Before that, when Ben first came to you to train to be a Jedi. He didn’t want to be there, clearly you knew that. What about Rey? Your own daughter? Where were you when she was on Jakku? When Ben died---when I was told he died, where were you?” Poe feels tears fall but he doesn’t care. “Don’t you realize that this is all your fault, but not because you did something wrong, but because you didn’t try to make it right?”

“I have paid dearly, as has the rest of the galaxy. I will tell you why I wasn’t there to protect Ben.” Luke stands. “It’s because I did not believe Ben to be the target of Snoke’s manipulation.”

“What do you mean?”

“My daughter. The old Jedi believed that attachments needed to be forbidden, that they made the Jedi weak. Our only attachment was to be to the Light Side. I, on the other hand, believed that it was my love for my sister and my friend that made me stronger. So I permitted myself to fall in love.”

“What happened to her, if I can ask?” Poe finds himself softened somewhat by Luke’s story. There was a time when he thought his love for Finn made him stronger. Not that he exactly permitted it, though. More like fell and fought tooth and nail.

“She found herself with child. I didn’t plan to have children but I found myself holding this tiny infant who reminded me more of Leia than myself. I wanted to protect her more than I have ever wanted anything.” Luke turns to face Poe. “I sent her and her mother away because I feared what could happen to Padme.”

“Your mother,” Poe comments, connecting the dots almost instantly. “Of course you would name her after your mother.”

Luke nods. “Even as an infant I could feel her strength and her potential. I feared she would be a target. When Ben was little, the New Republic was strongly divided into two factions...”

“The Populists and the Centrists,” Poe finishes. “The Populists believed each planet should retain its own separate rules and governance while the Centrists believed in a unified system with a common military to fight antagonistic factions. But Leia, she was a Populist Senator.”

“She was, but she also believed in the need for a common military presence, which made her a bit unpopular. Leia thought the answer was diplomatic. She was convinced that they could come together for peace and let each planet go about its business without fighting, but I could feel it. The rise of a new Empire, or the First Order as it’s called. I knew there were strong Force-users in play, even then. Palpatine had many apprentices, despite what the Sith laws dictated.”

“A Sith follow the rules, of course he did,” Poe scoffs, knowing the stories of the Emperor and the old war. “Snoke was one of them?”

Luke nods. “I knew my nephew, Ben, was going to be a fine Jedi. But when Padme was born, I realized she was stronger. The bigger target. I hoped that if Ben was trained he would be strong to resist the Dark Side and hopefully…”

“They wouldn’t bother because he wasn’t what they really wanted, what Snoke wanted.” Poe feels himself cry again.

“Padme’s mother died suddenly from illness and I got word that she was in an orphanage, going by the name of Rey. I had her brought to the school and hid her away in an old tower. I took care of her, fed her, spent time with her. Every night I would read to her and rock her to sleep. I even trained her to protect herself. She was five years old the night that Ben and his Knights killed everyone. I thought they killed her too. I felt her energy and our connection die.” Luke’s crying and he makes eye contact with Poe. “That’s why I hid on the island. Because I couldn’t face that I let my own daughter die.”

“But she didn’t.”

“Even now neither of us know who left her on Jakku, or why. We do know that someone went to great lengths to lock things away in her mind so she wouldn’t remember. I wanted to work on helping her unlock those secrets, but she is weary. She doesn’t want to distract herself from defeating the First Order.” He sighs and looks heartbroken that he cannot help her. “When she arrived on that island and held out my lightsaber, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t believe she was alive. That’s when I knew I had to come back. Because I was wrong.”

Poe doesn’t know what to say. He watches this myth—this man—someone who seemed so overpowering and intimidating when he was a child—practically weep over his errors. Poe knows what it feels like to do something that cannot be taken back. To say something that hurts others. To run away. He closes his eyes and thinks of Finn and how much it would destroy him if he truly lost him. The one time he thought Finn was dead and what it did to him. Everything they are fighting against and fighting for starts to make sense again. It isn’t a fight to destroy the First Order, General Hux or Snoke. It really does come down to a fight for love. The places they love and the people they love.

“I’ll train with you,” Poe manages to say. “If you think I am strong enough, I will train.”

“You still want to infiltrate the First Order.”

“I do, but I’m not going to have a chance unless I’m using every ounce of power that I have.”

Luke smiles. “Good. Now, Finn and Rey…Rey. Feels funny still calling her that, but she said she preferred it. They are more advanced. The first, perhaps the most important lesson, is learning how to block your thoughts. If the First Order is using these objects they may be able to read your thoughts and that could be dangerous.”

“Did Finn tell you about our connection?” Poe asks meekly. “About us?”

“He did. I can only imagine how much his betrayal hurt you. I hope you can understand the importance of what I asked of him.”

“I do, but…he didn’t trust that I would do the right thing. That hurts.” Poe looks down.

“We will meet in the woods this afternoon, you and I.” Luke approaches Poe and sets a hand on his shoulder. “Find power in your love, not your hate.”

Poe nods before leaving, managing to make it outside to the tarmac before doubling over in overwhelm. His legs start to shake so he falls to the ground. He kneels there and tries to catch his breath but finds his body refusing over and over to let the air in. He’s hyperventilating. Breathe you jackass, he tells himself. Just breathe. Is this what his mother was protecting him from? Is this the fear that ultimately lead to her death?

“Do you need a medic?”

Poe looks up to see Finn looking very concerned, but keeping his distance. Poe holds up and hand and stands. “I’m better now.”

“Alright,” Finn says, turning to walk away.

“Finn, wait.” Poe takes a deep breath as Finn turns to look at him. “Luke told me what he asked of you.”

“I told you, too,” he replies. “And?”

“You didn’t trust me enough not to blow up the ship, just because Kylo Ren was on it?” Poe puts his hands in his pockets, feeling extremely awkward.

“I thought about it last night, and it wasn’t that I didn’t trust you. I chose Luke over you. I…” he shakes his head. “But I still can’t say it was wrong.”

“I don’t think it was wrong, either.” Poe swallows and takes one step closer to Finn. “But we both ended up paying for it.”

“I’m sorry,” Finn says, nearly on a whisper. “I love you, please just…just know that I love you.”

Poe swallows. “If you say so.”

“You know you act like you are the only one who deserves to be hurt. You shattered me, Poe, and I’m still here loving you. So whatever.” Finn says, turning to walk away.

“I’m staying for a bit. I’m going to train with Luke.” Poe says, not wanting Finn to leave but not knowing what else to say. Finn turns around and they lock eyes. “I don’t know. I know how I feel but…we feel so separate now. I feel like I don’t know you.”

“I could say the same thing,” Finn says. “I wonder though if I ever really knew you.”

“I think…we have a lot of work to do if we are going to find each other again.” He wants to reach out and take his hand, wants to hold him and kiss him and lay next to him and feel his warmth close. Poe knows that trust cannot be built by physical proximity alone. The man on the Falcon right now taught him that. “I’m…I change my mind. I want to try.”

“I am,” Finn lets a tight smile cross his face. “I told you, I’ll wait for you.”

Poe returns the tight smile. “We need to talk. I’m supposed to train with Luke this afternoon but perhaps afterwards we should.”

“Yeah. Actually, I have something for you. I went back to D’Qar…”

Poe notices movement in the distance, over Finn’s shoulder, that distracts him. Near the Falcon. He sees Kare carrying a knife and boarding the ship. “Fuck, Finn—she’s going to kill him.”

He begins to run as fast as he can, Finn right behind him, and runs into the ship. Snap is laying, passed out on the floor. He sees the pipe she must have hit him with. He continues through to find Kare in the brig with Kylo Ren. She’s straddling him, her fist punching his face. He’s a bloody mess. She’s screaming and yelling and reaching for the knife sitting next to her but she doesn’t get it. It flies through the room, away from her. Poe turns to see Finn’s arm outstretched, the knife handle sliding into his hand. He doesn’t have time to process what Finn just did when Kare goes back to punching Kylo. Poe runs over and pulls her off of him, restraining her on the ground. Finn wordlessly hands him a pair of cuffs hanging on the wall outside the cell and he gets her restrained.

“What the fuck, Kare?” Poe pants. “Finn, get Snap off the ship and then get a medic. And get Rey and Luke.”

“Already called for them, in my head,” he explains, grabbing Snap and helping the now waking man to his feet.

“KYLO REN SHOULD BE DEAD!” Kare screams. “YOU SHOULD BE DEAD FOR BRINGING HIM HERE.”

“I thought I could trust you, Kare.” Poe says.

“After everyone we lost, Poe.” She’s crying and Poe leans down to wipe her face with his sleeve. “After what General Hux killed Jessica, Iolo, and Chewbacca. Han? Now you bring him here to reign down the First Order and take out the rest of us. You…TRAITOR.”

Poe feels as if her words knocked the air out of him. He slumps from his feet to his ass on the metal floor of the brig. He feels tears sting his eyes but the coughing and gasps of Kylo Ren stop them. He stands and retrieves the medical kit from the other side of the room before returning to Kylo’s side. He’s still in his Force-binding cuffs.

“Fuck,” Poe says, pressing gauze to Kylo Ren’s forehead. The cut isn’t deep but head wounds always bleed like crazy. “Sit up or you are going to choke on your own blood.” Kylo Ren manages to scoot against the wall and with Poe’s help props himself up. He coughs and spits bright red from his mouth onto the floor of the brig.

“Poe, here,” Rey arrives, bringing with her a bigger medical kit. “We can’t take him to the med bay.”

“I fucking know that,” Poe says more angrily than he meant. “I’m sorry, Rey. Can you take Kare to the brig in the base? I never want to see her again.” He looks up at Rey and tries to project what Kare said to him, having no idea if it’s working.

“I only caught part of that, like static on a comm,” she nods. “I’ll take her. Are you okay here? I can send Finn or Luke…”

“I’m fine. Make sure Snap is okay,” he turns back to Kylo and reaches for more gauze. He notices Kylo’s eye starting to swell so he reaches for a small pack in the kit Rey brought him. He clicks the button and the pack becomes cold as ice. He places the pack in Kylo’s bound hands. “Here, hold this up to your eye. I’m going to have to stitch up the cut on your cheek.”

Kylo does so without speaking. He sits still has Poe puts in five stitches on his cheek. Without pain medication. Kylo doesn’t flinch as each stitch is applied. It’s sloppy but Poe doesn’t really care. He just needs to keep Kylo alive for reasons that aren’t even clear to Luke it seems. He finishes and reaches for an antibiotic syringe, stabbing the needle hard into Kylo’s thigh to ward off potential infection. Poe eyes the pain medication for a moment too long. He can taste the relief it would bring.

“I don’t need it,” Kylo Ren says.

Poe looks at him, in the eyes, and feels his breath catch. “What?”

“The pain medication, I don’t need it.”

The adrenaline from stopping Kare seems to clear at those words. He arrested a friend and chose to help an enemy. His hands tremble as he packs up the kits, realizing that there is nobody else to stand guard over Kylo Ren. Poe takes the kits out of the cell and closes it behind him, making sure it’s locked. He moves to the galley and gets a canteen, returning to slide it through the bars.

“Drink,” he says.

Kylo Ren stands and moves to the bars, taking the canteen with his cuffed hands. “Thank you.”

Poe goes back to the kits, pulls out a syringe of pain medication and injects the entire thing into his arm before sitting down in the chair. He just manages to get the med kit closed again when Luke and Finn arrive. He steels his jaw and stands. “Is Snap alright?”

“She just hit him over the head, he’ll be fine. They had to sedate her in the brig, she kept screaming about traitors in the Resistance.” Finn puts a hand on Poe’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

He nods, perhaps too quickly. “I need to get out of here.”

“Go,” Luke says. “We’ll meet later. Finn and I will stand guard in the meantime.”

“Do you want me to go with you, Poe?” Finn asks, looking to Luke for some sort of permission.

“No, I just…” he looks back at Kylo Ren and they lock eyes for a moment. Poe remembers those eyes, he's looked into them so many times. All this time has passed and he still knows them. Better than he knows himself. His body feels light and he finds it hard to breathe. _Ben_ he thinks. _That’s Ben._

Poe manages to get just outside of the Falcon before he vomits.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now that the war is heating up I think there will be fewer dream sequences and a lot more plot. It will continue to drive Finn and Poe’s relationship as well. Also, we’ll be addressing Poe’s emotions in regards to his first contact with Kylo Ren/Ben in the next chapter.
> 
> Also I've been at home all week and in and out of the ER/Hospital so I've had more time to write than I thought, hence the chapters being posted this week.


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey confides in Poe as they continue to build a relationship. Finn brings Poe a gift—and a hidden choice that he doesn’t want to make.

_I don’t need it_.

Kylo’s, no, Ben’s, words echo in his head. After everything that has happened, after their lives took them away from each other so many years ago, that’s what he said to Poe. He couldn’t have just been talking about the pain medication either. He was talking about being kept alive perhaps. Maybe he was talking about how Poe gave him first aid over tending to his friend. Or he was talking about Poe. It shouldn’t break his heart as much as it does at this moment. Yet here he is, feeling absolutely shattered laying on his back in his room on base, wishing that one syringe of pain medication was anywhere near enough to numb him anymore.

He can hear footsteps outside his door and doesn’t care. He doesn’t care when he hears the door open and the mattress dip next to him with the weight of a body sitting next to him. Without moving his head or eyes from their gaze, he knows it’s Leia. She’s crying. He reaches out to take her hand and feels an electric pulse, dulled. Like tapping on a foot that has fallen asleep. Force trying to find its way through the medication. He wonders if she can feel what he has done or if she blames her own uncultivated strength.

“I have to send him away,” she manages.

“To keep him safe,” Poe responds.

“I can’t go with him.”

“Are you asking me to?” he sits up and slides next to her on the edge of his bed.

“Luke says the four of you should go. You are the only ones who can protect him, bring him back to the Light Side.” She leans against his arm, still cradling his hand in lap. “He’ll never be safe with me. He never was, I never could protect him.”

“I’ll go. I owe him as much.” Poe forces a tight smile. “I couldn’t protect him either so at least we have company in that failure.”

“Thank you, Poe.”

~

Leia thought it best that they leave at night. The base is quiet as fighters sleep without the knowledge of their fate hanging heavy in the ship on the tarmac. Poe hugs Leia for what finally feels like the last time in their lives and tries not to dwell. He can sense that she is welcoming death now after fighting it all her life. It will be her peace, when it does come by either her hand or the First Order. He admires her calm and absolution and hopes that maybe someday he’ll have his own.

When it’s his turn to say goodbye to Snap, he feels his body start to fall apart again. Snap holds him tighter than either of them thought was physically possible. “I can’t even imagine what possessed you to say yes to this,” he says in Poe’s ear before parting. “You and Finn should stay here.”

“I’m going to train with Luke, and once I’m as strong as I’m ever going to get I’ll come back for that ship. I will destroy General Hux and the First Order.” Poe smiles again, pained and tight. “I’m not going to let Finn stop me. Or Ben.”

“Ben,” Snap swallows and looks at the ground before meeting Poe’s eyes. “Don’t fool yourself into thinking that thing in the brig is Ben. I don’t need the Force to know that you should choose Finn over Kylo Ren. Promise me.”

“Finn already chose against me once,” Poe says. “Trust me, Snap.”

Snap huffs. “Famous last words?”

Poe smiles, this time genuine, pats his shoulder and turns to walk to the Falcon. When he gets into the cockpit he sees the pilot seat is empty, Finn in the co-pilot chair. BB-8 beeps when he sees Poe and nods his head to the pilot’s chair.

“Where are Luke and Rey?” he asks, sitting down.

“In the back,” Finn says steadily, not looking and Poe. “Master…I mean…Luke said we should fly.”

“Where are we going?” Poe asks, automatically flipping switches and tapping buttons, feeling the ship start underneath them.

“Luke already set the course. We have one stop to gather more supplies, things that the base didn’t have,” Finn says, flipping his own switches. He pauses to look at Poe. “You ready?”

Poe meets his eyes and suddenly realizes how much he missed Finn’s eyes. He reaches a hand out to touch Finn’s, but pulls it back before they meet. “Yes. Let’s go.”

~

When it’s his turn to sleep he walks into the first open bunk room and strips down to his underwear before climbing under the covers. He has no idea if Finn is going to join him—there aren’t enough beds on this ship for each to have their own—and he debates on whether or not it would be a bad thing. Poe did tell him he wanted to try and that means they need to at least start with proximity. Even though it’s relatively meaningless, it’s a start. Truth be told, he does miss Finn’s warmth and presence. He really misses all of Finn, the Finn that he had back on Yavin-4. The Finn he trusted and loved.

There’s a small knock on the door and a soft voice, Rey’s. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” Poe says, sitting up. He watches her enter and close the door softly behind her. “You okay?”

“Luke and Finn took the other beds and that bench around the table is hard,” she says. “Can I?”

He nods, moving over a little. He is in Han and Leia’s old bunk, so the bed is big enough for two. He looks down as she removes her heavy grey tunic and pants until she’s wearing only her underclothes. He turns out the lamp on the side table and she crawls into bed next to him, not touching. He feels a tension radiate off of her and it has nothing to do with sharing the bed with him. He debates on whether or not to ask her, so instead he decides to talk.

“I miss him, Rey,” he says.

“Finn? Or Ben?”

“Finn,” he says, only pondering answering the opposite for a moment. “I hate having this argument within myself. I know why he left and I can’t disagree with his reasons. Luke confirmed it was the right thing to do but I just can’t let it go. He’s a much better person that me. He’s so angry with me, so hurt by everything I have done to him and yet he still reached for me. He still loves me.”

“You still love him, otherwise this wouldn’t hurt so much,” Rey says.

“Yes.” He smiles at her and projects it so that she knows, even in the dark. He’s becoming fond of her and can see why Finn was so driven to find her. She’s an anchor that radiates hope and reason. He feels her accept it and it makes him smile more.

“I’m scared,” she admits in the dark. “I’m scared it won’t work.”

Poe reaches for her and scoops her into his arms until her head rests against his chest. He feels her thoughts waft through the air and he focuses his energy enough to catch some of them. She’s scared that Ben is truly gone, that they cannot win this fight anymore. She’s scared that the bond between him and Finn is so broken it cannot be repaired. It has weakened them and put the entire Resistance in jeopardy. She’s scared of death.

While they are not directly connected, not like he used to be with Finn, Poe keeps sending his thoughts out. He sends out reassurances to her, all while holding her tightly. He imagines growing up with Rey as his sister, how perfectly compatible they already seem. Holding her reminds him of the days after Ben’s death---no—his betrayal---when he would lay with Leia and hold her. Family. Rey practically is family, since he was adopted by Leia and Han. But maybe it’s even deeper than that. The Force connects all of them, all Jedi. He remembers reading that in books growing up. Then again, Poe Dameron is not a Jedi.

“I feel it too,” Rey says in response to his thought.

~

Feeling slightly stupid, Poe bounces his knee as he helps Han bring the Falcon in for landing.

“You okay there kid?” Han asks. “You haven’t stopped fidgeting for the last hour.”

“I’m fine, yeah. Just, last birthday of my youth, ya know? Next year I’ll be an official adult. Just can’t get that out of my head.”

“Old enough to go to the academy, learn to fly a proper ship?” Han laughs. “Ah kid you were born to fly. You could fly the Falcon better than Chewie half the time.”

Poe laughs. “Don’t tell him that.”

What Poe didn’t tell Han is the real reason he’s nervous. He has a small gift in his pocket. It’s really stupid, he knows how stupid it is. It was stupid the first time he gave it to Ben. But for some reason, he couldn’t think of what else to give him. It’s not just Poe’s 17th birthday, it’s the anniversary of their first kiss. Anniversaries are important. Han always brings Leia big gifts and they often leave for a few days to go on a vacation. They always return so happy and glowing and in love. If Ben wasn’t at the Jedi Academy, Poe would take him far away and they could lay in a giant bed covered in silken sheets and do all the wonderful things to each other’s bodies without rushing or fear of getting caught.

When they land and exit the ship, Luke Skywalker is waiting for them. He smiles and opens his arms to Han. “Poe, it is good to see you again.”

He nods at the Jedi. “Nice to see you, Master Luke.”

“I saw Ben in the courtyard with some of the others, you may go see him.”

“Thank you,” Poe says, nodding before walking quickly past them and towards the school. He enters the main doors and walks nervously through to the entrance to the courtyard.

He stops in the archway, watching as Ben sits on a bench laughing. There are four other boys sitting on benches laughing as well. Ben looks towards the archway and smiles at Poe, walking towards him and leaving his friends to talk by themselves.

“Happy Birthday,” Ben says, patting Poe on the shoulder.

“Thanks,” Poe says, pocketing his hand. It fists the small jar in his pocket. “So your father said we can take the Falcon for the night. We have just enough time to go camping.”

Ben smiles. “I have to be back tomorrow afternoon. Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Let me get my things.”

Ben sits in the co-pilot chair and talks about common things. He’s made more friends and he’s learning how to fight very well. He can lift larger and larger things with his mind. He asks Poe about his part-time job flying with Han and Chewie, delivering supplies to small colonies throughout the galaxy. He asks about his mother and how she is doing. Poe can tell he’s nervous which makes him feel better because he is nervous too.

When they finally get to the planet, Ben helps by carrying the packs while he carries the tent. They set it up as fast as possible and roll the blankets and sleeping bags down. This time Poe brought pillows and Ben smiles when he sees them. They secure the food inside the tent and lock eyes with each other. Poe bites his lip as arms wrap around waists and bodies are pulled close. Poe guides the kiss, soft and sweet. He hopes Ben finds this romantic, that’s his intention. When they part, Poe rests his forehead against Ben’s.

“I got you a present,” Poe says.

“But it’s your birthday,” Ben says.

“I know. But…it’s been one year since we kissed for the first time. I thought that deserved a celebration.” He pulls the small jar out of his pocket. “This is the dirt from that campsite. I don’t know why I kept it, but…”

“Poe Dameron,” Ben takes it and kisses him again. “I didn’t get you the cake. Master Luke and I didn’t go anywhere…”

“That’s fine, I understand you can’t leave.”

“I got you something else, though,” Ben parts from him and goes into the tent, pulling something out of his pack and returning to Poe. “It’s not much, but it’s the very first thing I ever moved with my mind once I started training here. I was going to keep it but I want you to have it.”

Poe holds out his hand and Ben places a very small stone in his palm. It’s grey and warm. “Are you sure?”

Ben nods and puts his arms around Poe’s waist again. “I’m sure.”

~

He wakes to find Rey has already dressed and left the room. Poe decides to do the same, wondering whatever happened to that stone. He supposes he lost it when transferring from base to base at some point. He feels almost bad about losing it, but in comparison to what he’s lost over his lifetime it’s insignificant. Compared to his mother, his father, his friends, Finn, it’s just a rock some kid moved with his mind.

When he gets to the common area he sees Rey and Finn sitting around the table eating. Rey smiles when he comes in. “Wondering when you were going to wake up,” she comments.

“What time is it?” he asks, moving to pour himself a cup of tea on the counter.

“Almost too late for tea,” she says. “Luke says we should be at the supply port in about an hour. He said that he will stay with Ben while we go get the supplies. He made a list.” She holds up a datapad. “I think we are going to a winter planet.”

“Why is that?” he sits next to Finn. It’s awkward and forced but he can tell Finn and Rey are pleased with this small gesture.

“Heavy clothing. Listen, I can go secure the extra food and medical supplies if you two can handle the clothing and anything else.” Rey smiles at Finn. “Finn told me you like books, Poe.”

“I do,” Poe nods, looking over at Finn. “Maybe I can find a holorecorder for music for Finn.”

Finn smiles. “That would be nice.”

“Well then, you two go shopping,” she hands them the datapad. “I’ve memorized my part of the list.” She stands and leaves the room, the hiss of the main door of the ship sounding in the distance.

“I’m going to talk to Luke quickly, then we can go?” Poe asks, standing.

“Sure,” Finn nods.

Poe reaches out and touches Finn’s hands, still curled around his tea mug. “We’ll find you some music.”

“I have a surprise for you actually, I’ll go get it while you are talking to Luke.”

Poe smiles and leaves the room, walking to the brig. When he opens the door, he sees that Luke isn’t there. Ben is seated in a chair, wrists still bound, with an empty plate before him. Poe takes a deep breath and steps up to the bars. “Where’s Luke?”

Ben shrugs. “He said he’d be right back.”

“Alright then,” Poe says, unsure of what to do with his hands or his body. He shifts awkwardly for a minute before pocketing his hands.

“I suppose you came in here to ask me why.” Ben says. “Isn’t that what everyone wants to know. Leia Organa asked me. Luke and Rey asked me.” He looks up into Poe’s eyes. “Han Solo didn’t ask why.”

Poe wants to ask a question so deeply that it stings his chest. But it isn’t why. “I came to see if you had any special requests.” He’s momentarily proud of himself for not asking his real question.

“For what, my last supper?”

“Food, clothing, books,” Poe swallows at that last word, trying not to let his voice waver. “We are going to be training and I wanted to know if you would like anything other than your basic items.”

“These cuffs off would be a fine start,” Ben says, looking down at his hands. “But you didn’t come here to give me anything.”

“You’re wrong,” Poe says, feeling defensive. “I’m only here because Master Luke wants to ensure that we don’t have to leave once we reach our final destination.”

“Master Luke,” Ben scoffs. “Like you are some sort of padawan apprentice.”

“Would you like me to ask you questions then?” Poe sits. “Because I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t answer any of them. Truthfully, at least.”

“Poe,” Luke says, walking into the room.

He rises from the chair. “I was looking for you,” Poe says. “I wanted to make sure you didn’t forget anything from the list.”

“The list is complete, I assure you,” Luke says, taking his seat in the chair. “Make sure to return soon. We have three more days’ journey to our final destination.”

“Understood, Master Luke,” Poe says before leaving the room. He’s sure that Luke quickly read that Poe was bluffing for the sake of Ben, but it’s all he has. That and his mind.

Poe nearly bumps into Finn in the main room. “Ready?” he asks.

Finn holds a bundle in his arms, a grey sack. “After I left Yavin-4 I went back to the D’Qar. I wanted to see if anything survived. At first I thought the whole base was burned out but it was just the main entrance. The rooms were practically untouched, except for Leia’s. It was completely ransacked. But yours was just as you left it.” Finn hands him the bundle. “I took all that I could carry. I had to leave most of them behind, I didn’t want to stay too long. But…I thought you should have them.”

Poe kneels to the ground and opens the bag to see some of his books. His books, from the base. He pulls out the one he got from Chewie as a kid. The story of the padawan and the houseboy. A book of poems he remembers Finn reading after he woke up. The book Finn gave him, the stories of Yavin-4 with the gem in the cover. The leather still warm. He opens the cover to find the only paper pictures of his parents tucked where he left them. Sure, they have all their old family photos in the Resistance archives, retrievable on any datapad, but these are paper. Tangible and somehow more real. Finn played his hands at cards and spent a fortune, his first purchase as a free man, on this book. He pulls it to his chest and feels his eyes get hot with tears.

“Poe,” Finn comforts, kneeling in front of him and putting a hand on his shoulder. “I wish I could bring all your things back.”

“You’re back, that’s a start,” Poe says, leaning forward for a very soft closed-mouth kiss. They part quickly, both somehow afraid of it lasting too long. “I can’t believe you did this.”

“Like I said, no matter what, I love you.”

Poe swallows as he looks back to the pile of books. He digs through, finding in the bottom of the bag the book about the Battle of Yavin. It’s tattered, some of the pages torn, but he’s already memorized each illustration and word inside. It’s the book Ben gave him when he broke his arm. He takes the book out and holds it in his free hand. Poe weighs the magnitude of both books. The history and the meanings behind each. Both tokens of affection. Both payments for debts owed to him. Both important and part of what makes him the man he is. They taunt him in his hands, begging him to choose. He stares, knowing that one could never replace the other truly. Knowing that both are bad choices, both are filled with vulnerability and the potential for loss. Both have already cost him so much.

Both are also promising.

Before he can choose, he puts them both away and stands. “We should get going.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT you guys we are at chapter 50. I started posting/writing back in January and we are still going at it. I can’t believe all the comments and kudos and bookmarks. This is so great that others continue to take this journey with me. Thank you all so much.
> 
> Also to those of you reading Dilate...the upcoming chapters of this story are going to have some really cool tie ins with that.


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They arrive at their new…hideout? Training grounds? Prison? While learning more about his mother’s fate, Poe manages to connect with Ben somewhat and he learns more about Finn’s feelings towards their relationship.

Now he understands the clothing Luke requested they procure. As Poe steps off the Falcon, the wind hits his face, carrying rain as cold as ice stabbing into his skin. With Ben helping, well, being ordered to haul what he can while cuffed, they get the ship unloaded and everything inside the house fairly quickly. Finn starts a fire in the main room while Rey quickly begins stocking the kitchen and lighting candles. BB-8 rolls around and helps her, using his torch to set candles alight. He gets to the stairs and looks confused. They are too narrow for him to navigate his way up. Rey pats his head and pushes past him to light candles up there.

“There are five rooms,” Luke begins. “Three upstairs and two down here. There is also an indoor bathroom upstairs and an outhouse by the shed. No electricity but thanks to the spring in the core of this planet we do have hot running water.”

“How long are we going to be here?” Poe asks, glancing briefly at Ben as he sits in a wooden chair at the kitchen table.

“Until we are ready. Until you are ready, Poe.” Luke says. “This planet is fairly desolate this time of year, in fact we will wake up to snow outside. Nobody should bother us or be looking for us.”

Poe settles in on a large dusty sofa in the main room in front of the fire. The main floor of the house is rather open, leading from the sitting room to the kitchen as if it were the same. A small hallway to the left of the front door indicates the bedrooms are on that side. A stairway near the kitchen leads up to the rest. The house is a log cabin, probably made from trees out of this very forest. The furnishings are simple. A large green sofa, a coffee table, two blue armchairs, a rectangular wooden table with six chairs, wooden cabinets in the kitchen, and a few woven rugs scattered over the wood plank floors. Candles flicker along with the fireplace and give the cabin a warm feeling despite the cold outside and the tension inside.

“Ben,” Luke says. “I have fashioned a new set of cuffs for you. They are bracelets, really, that will house the gem and prevent you from using the Force. I can’t read you, not with them on. I need to know I can trust you to change them.”

Poe turns around and stares into Ben’s eyes. Not that he was ever great at reading minds but the gem makes Ben feel like stone. It’s unsettling, but much less so than the alternative. He finds himself locked in a gaze with Ben, somehow pleading for Ben to not try to escape or hurt them. Poe feels Rey creep into his messages. She sends out what could be translated into a question mark at Poe, but he doesn’t acknowledge it. Finn stands in the corner of the room, arms crossed over his chest, staring at Poe. Silence.

Ben looks at Luke and nods. Luke takes off his cuffs and Ben instantly rubs his wrists. Luke gives him a moment before reaching for his left wrist, placing on this large metal bracelet, and then the right wrist and doing the same. Ben pulls his hands back and sets them on his knees, looking back to Poe for a brief moment before going back to staring at the ground. “May I bathe?” he asks so quietly that at first Poe didn’t think he really did.

Luke nods. “We should get you clean clothes too.”

Poe stands. “I’ll get them.”

As Ben goes up the stairs, alone, Poe digs through the clothing they purchased and finds the items he selected for Ben. He avoids the gaze of the others as he climbs the stairs and goes to the bathroom at the end of the hall. Ben is already in the shower, dirty clothes piled on the floor. Poe sets down the clean set on the counter and finds himself unable to leave.

“Your clothes are on the counter, as is a towel,” Poe says.

Ben doesn’t respond. Poe can hear movement as Ben uncaps a bottle of soap. He sees a slight shadow as he runs his hands through his hair. Poe thinks about a time long ago when he would have joined Ben in that shower, washed his hair for him. They would exchange kisses and probably all-too-quick hand jobs before someone was expected to return or they had to leave. Ben was shorter then, less muscular than he is now. His hair was still long and his eyes still distractingly warm towards Poe. So much taken from him, so much lost to war and time. He wouldn’t call what he feels for Ben now love, but he struggles to find another word more fitting. _Pulled_ perhaps, but even that words leaves so much left behind.

“You’re still here,” Ben says softly. “Sent to watch me?”

“No,” Poe replies just as soft.

“More questions?” Ben counters, still under the water behind the curtain.

“I still have the book,” Poe says. “The one you gave me the day you broke my arm. Finn, he went back to D’Qar and got it for me.” He swallows, leaning against the counter and pocketing his hands. “I held onto it after I was told that you were killed that night at the Academy. I dragged it to the flight school and from base to base. It’s practically falling apart. But I consider it one of my most important possessions. And I don’t have that many.”

“Why?”

Poe shakes his head even though Ben can’t see. “Only if you answer mine.”

“What is your question, if not why?” Ben turns the water off and the room becomes silent.

“I’m not ready to ask it yet,” Poe replies, leaving the room before he has to look at Ben in the face.

~

When he arrived in the main room, Finn and Rey are seated around the table eating. Poe sits next to Finn and leans, over, grabbing his face and kissing him deeply. The taste of Finn’s tongue slides into Poe’s and it’s familiar and welcoming. It feels surprisingly safe, after everything they have gone through and how scared Poe is to trust him. He doesn’t want to let Finn go, he can’t. Rey finally clears her throat and they part.

“Luke went to bed, he chose a room upstairs,” she says. “You two can have the rooms down here.”

Poe stands and reaches a hand for Finn, who takes it. Without speaking, they walk down the hall and into the further room, closing the door. They don’t light candles. They don’t need to. The moon on the planet is starting to rise and just enough light dances through the window. Standing at the foot of the bed, Poe pulls Finn close and kisses him again. They snake arms around each other and press their chests tight. He can’t get close enough to Finn, to the warm body next to him. He could cut him open and crawl inside and it still wouldn’t be close enough.

“You’re trembling,” Finn says, parting enough to take both of Poe’s hands in his. “Did Ben say something to you?”

He shakes his head. “No. I’m…I’m scared Finn. So many things. But, I’m scared of what I’m capable of.” He looks Finn in the eyes. “I’m scared of how much I need you because I don’t deserve you.”

“You don’t,” Finn says.

“Stay with me tonight,” Poe begs. “Let’s pretend this is as it was before you left. Please.”

“I can’t.” Finn lets his hands go and moves towards the door. “Not yet.”

~

“Think of the Force as an extension of yourself,” Luke says, sitting on a fallen tree. He gestures for Poe to sit on the one across from him. “It’s not just a tool. It’s another limb that moves just as the rest of your body does.”

Poe sits. He’s wearing boots that crunch in the thin layer of snow that fell during the night. He chose to leave his coat indoors, knowing it would both restrict his movement and make him too hot. Instead he wears a grey knit sweater that hangs nearly to his knees over his grey pants and the black tunic underneath. The sky is grey as the light does its best to pierce the clouds above them. The trees look almost black against the color. He can hear Finn whopping and hollering on the other side of the house as he and Rey practice moving things with the Force. From what Rey told him over breakfast, his moving the knife aboard the Falcon was the first time he was able to do it.

“I can’t do much,” he says, spreading his black-gloved hands over his knees. “I can sometimes hear what Rey tries to tell me. And you, on the tarmac at the base when you arrived. But I connected to Finn.”

“You don’t anymore, it’s closed,” Luke says. “You both have shut it down.”

“We have our reasons,” Poe replies, eager to be done with the conversation. “You say I’m strong with the Force but I can’t believe it.”

“Had you trained as a child, had your mother not been so afraid, you would be a Jedi.”

“What does this have to do with Shara Bey?” Poe says defensively.

“You know about the Ashla and the Boglan. The Light and the Dark. I used to think that they were mutually exclusive, but I have learned over the past fifteen years that I was wrong. One cannot exist without the other. Within each Force User lies both. But you, you are the one who can fix it.”

“What do you mean?”

“You understand. What you said General Hux told you. The Force is weak. He was right, wasn’t he?” Luke asks questions of him as if he is the student, eager to learn the ways of the Force. “Kylo Ren was weak because he still contained balance. There is still Light in him. Ben.”

“He’ll never be fully one or the other, I suspect. We’ll never be able to trust in him,” Poe says wearily.

“Just as I never could trust myself. My own weakness led to me locking my daughter in a tower, to being blind to Snoke. Leia’s weakness was her fear. As your mother’s was. The Dark Side began to take over Shara, and she killed herself before she hurt you or Kes.”

Poe’s breath stops. His chest tightens, his limbs feel numb. “She was sick.”

“She took her own life, fearing the Dark Side.” Luke’s eyes are glassy. “I loved her as if she were my sister. Hearing of her death was difficult. I didn’t know it at the time, her sacrifice.”

“I have the Dark inside of me,” Poe bows his head. “I know it.”

“I do as well. So does Rey, and Finn…his is strong.” Luke looks down. “Your bond with him is what kept him in balance. Kept you in balance, too.”

He shakes his head. “I can’t.”

“I know.” Luke looks back to him. “We are going to learn how to balance the Dark and Light within ourselves. It’s the only way you will succeed in your mission to infiltrate the First Order.”

Poe looks up into the trees and around the woods encircling them. His eyes glance back at the house and he finds a window on the second floor. Ben is standing there, looking out into the grey. He turns and meets Poe’s gaze and gives a tight-lipped smile. It’s so familiar and so terrifying at the same time. Poe blinks back images of the mask on the Finalizer, the violence of his intrusion in the torture chair, the way the air on Jakku smelled when he was brought to his knees before Kylo Ren.

Looking back at Luke, he nods. “I’m ready.”

~

Poe is shaky on his feet when he follows Luke back into the cabin. He’s not sure if it’s the expense of energy or from sitting in the same position for most of the day but it’s not an ache he’s used to. Inside he finds Rey standing in front of the stove, stirring a large pot simmering over the wood fire inside. She’s arguing with BB-8 about some sort of spice, telling him he can’t eat it anyway so what does it matter and yes she knows that Poe loves lots of salt. It smells good so he assumes she at least took some of 8’s advice. Finn is seated at the table, staring at a spoon very intently. He looks up and smiles when Poe walks in. “Hey, how’s your training?”

“Difficult,” Poe says, sitting next to him. He’s not sure what to tell Finn. Luke was clear in that Finn and Rey were training to do more physical work, more fighting. Poe’s training centered on control of his mind. Somehow, that seems more private. “I’m exhausted.”

“I moved a rock with my mind today, lifted it about three inches off the ground,” Finn says. “Took me all day.”

“Nice,” Poe says. 8 rolls up next to him and he pats the droid on the back. “Good to see ya buddy.”

“Tomorrow we will continue,” Luke says, sitting across from them. “Night is about to fall, we should rest.”

Rey begins to bring bowls of stew to the table. “The cold sucks my energy fast and I was mostly training Finn,” she comments. “BEN COME DOWN, DINNER,” she yells before going back to serve more bowls. “Tomorrow someone else is cooking I don’t care how worn out you are from training,” she remarks, setting down a bowl for Ben and sitting in front of one for herself next to Luke.

Poe tastes the soup and it’s really delicious. He finds himself practically inhaling the soup when Ben finally arrives at the table, pulling out the chair next to him. He reaches over the table and slides the bowl across to his setting before settling down and taking a bite. Ben hunches over the bowl as if he’s guarding it from everyone else. Poe finds himself watching Ben as he absently scoops stew into his own mouth. Rey and Luke are talking, but he can’t really hear about what. He’s knocked out of his stupor by a tap to his shoulder. He turns to see Finn offering him the bread plate.

“Rey made it, it’s incredible,” he says.

Poe takes two slices. “Thanks, Finn.” He sets the bread next to his bowl and leans in and kisses Finn on the lips gently. “Mmm, you taste like stew.”

He turns back to his food to see Ben looking over at him with a blank stare. Rey eyes them quickly before turning back to her conversation with Luke, who is smiling gently at Finn and Poe. He feels like some sort of entertainment for people. Everyone is rooting for him and Finn to make up and fall back in love. Luke talked about strength and Rey mentioned how important their bond could be if they would let it happen again. As he uses the bread to scrape the last broth from his bowl and eat, Poe wonders if for a moment either of them could just skip to that place again. It wouldn’t work, but the thought it nice. Finally getting back to where he needs to be so he can get out of this cabin and go fight the First Order.

“Do you want some more?”

Poe snaps out of his thoughts and looks to see Ben turned towards him, offering a hand out for his bowl. “Yes, I would.”

Ben nods and takes the bowl, his own in his other hand, and stands. He fills them and returns from the kitchen, setting Poe’s bowl in front of him before sitting. “Is that enough?”

“Perfect. Thank you,” Poe says, taking another spoonful.

Ben seems content with Poe’s response as he sits to eat his own seconds. Poe looks around to see he didn’t offer to refill anyone else’s bowl, which he knows wasn’t lost on anyone. Ben probably did it on purpose. Was he trying to send a message to Luke? Was he attempting to gain Poe’s trust? He shakes it from his head and takes another slice of bread, settling one hand on Finn’s knee while they finish their meal.

~

The house is too quiet at night. Everyone is asleep but Poe. Or at least he assumes. He closed the curtain over the window so he’s shrouded in darkness. Over the past few hours his eyes have adjusted somewhat, but each shadow looks like General Hux standing in the corners, watching him and waiting to take the last of his Light. Leia was against the idea, as was Snap. Finn is too. Luke is only going with it because at least he’s smart enough to know that he can’t talk Poe out of it. Rey is considering it. Out of them, he’s the one who knows Hux the most. Knows what he’s capable of and knows how to reach inside himself to become what Hux wants. Poe Dameron could be the Captain of the First Order and destroy it from the inside.

Shaking his head from the thoughts, he finds himself leaving his room and going to Finn’s door. He knocks and it doesn’t take long for Finn to answer, wearing only his sleeping pants. His eyes are squinting, indicating he was sleeping. He doesn’t speak, he just holds the door open for Poe to come in. His curtains are open, the room almost too bright for Poe. He turns to see Finn leaning against the now closed door. The only sound in the room is their breaths and Poe swears he can feel his own heart beating.

“I’m not worthy of having your love,” Poe whispers.

“You have it anyway,” he replies, his voice sounding angry.

“You don’t like that. It makes you angry that you can’t take it back. Show me, Finn. Show me how much you hate me.”

Finn approaches him and grabs his wrists. “I want to hurt you,” he says. “I…I don’t know what that means.”

“Then hurt me,” Poe begs. “That’s what it means.”

Finn lets go of his wrists and turns him around, slamming him on the floor on his stomach. Poe feels the wind knocked out of him and he struggles to inhale, his pulse racing. Yet somehow he’s not afraid. He welcomes the feeling of his body thinking it’s dying. Giving up that control to anything else but his own frail mind. Finn pins his wrists above his head and Poe doesn’t dare move them when Finn’s hands travel down his back, scratching into the skin deep enough that he can feel the welts begin to form. He bites his lip to keep from screaming. Finn leans over him and bites his shoulder hard enough that Poe can feel the hot blood spill out of the wound and into the fabric of his sleep shirt covering the skin.

Finn straddles over him and rips Poe’s sleep pants down to expose him to the cold air. “I want to rip you apart,” he growls over Poe. “I want to destroy you until you are nothing but a pile of flesh and bone on the floor.”

Poe chokes on a sob, feeling completely vulnerable and willing to let Finn do just as he pleases. He wants to be ripped apart. He wants to be destroyed, he thinks. And he wants Finn to do it right now. He wants to beg for it, scream for it, but instead he just swallows shaky breath after shaky breath as he awaits the next blow.

He hears Finn spit several times and feels the breach of two fingers at once. Spit is never enough and the burn is close to unbearable as he is stretched out. He barely feels the third finger enter over the course of pain shooting up through his spine and it makes him almost giddy that he can give this retribution to Finn. He finds himself smiling into the wood floor beneath him as Finn shoves his fingers in and out of him roughly. He isn’t nearly ready enough when Finn finally does breach him with his cock. It’s violent, his thrusts. Finn’s hands dig into his hips hard enough that Poe fears he could snap his pelvis. Poe’s crying now, warm tears dripping onto the wood beneath him. With each painful slam, his cries become sobs. His stomach knots and he feels his dinner threatening to come up until Finn finally pulls out and coats his back with hot come. Probably a little of his own blood too.

“Get the fuck out of here,” Finn pants, crawling into the corner of his room and hiding in the dark. “Please…I can’t look at you.”

“I’m…Finn I asked you to do this,” Poe manages to say. “This is how we heal.”

“I know. But, I liked it.” Finn looks at him through the moonlight. “I’m afraid of what I want to do to you next. I’m afraid I’ll hurt you so badly that you can’t be fixed. I’m afraid I won’t stop.”

Poe manages to crawl towards Finn, feeling blood dripping down the back of his thighs just a little. He cuddles up next to Finn and holds him as he cries until they both are too tired. Poe guides Finn back to his bed and tucks him in before he pulls his own pants back on and leaves. As he goes back to his room, he swears he can see Ben standing at the top of the stairs looking down at him, but it’s too dark to tell. Probably just his imagination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, 51 chapters and still not done.
> 
> Also, is anyone reading this anymore???? Hit rate and comments are down. I know that Stormpilot fic is kinda waning these days in favor of Kylux...but I'm hoping I still have some of you out there.


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe continues his training with Rey and learns more about her past. An honest talk with Finn leads to an honest talk with Ben.

For the rest of the first week in the cabin, Finn doesn’t talk to him when nobody else is around. Even then, its forced and cut off. Both Luke and Rey can feel it, but so far they haven’t mentioned it. The most they talk is when Ben joins the rest of them for a meal. He’s not really sure why, but something about Ben’s presence screams at him to make it look like everything is perfect and he’s completely happy with Finn. There’s something comforting about the fact that the gem keeps Ben’s ability to read him turned off. This time Ben is the one completely ignorant to what is going on with Poe. All he gets is what Poe gives him and it’s a lie.

It’s revenge and it’s wrong. It’s petty and wasteful. It feels good to be the one holding the lies this time.

For the past two days, Rey has taken Poe on long walks far away from the cabin and practice reading her mind. The first day, he broke down in sobs as she showed him when she was violated by Kylo Ren. He was struck by how strong she was as she recounted being violated by Kylo Ren herself. Rey found a level of strength in the ways the galaxy has victimized her and Poe is in awe of it. Yesterday she told him of her childhood. It was locked up tight and hidden in her mind but she still isn’t sure how. She tells him that she only has snippets, some memories of her life before Jakku, but not much. Not enough to explain anything. Poe can tell it frustrates her and that she’s spent a lot of time meditating and trying to find them again without much luck.

Today, he follows her back to the small cave they found the day before, the snow now deep enough to come up halfway to their knees. He’s covered in a heavy fur coat while she’s layered in heavy knit fabrics, complete with the same fuzzy gloves he’s wearing that remind him of Chewbacca. They climb just far enough inside to sit on dry ground but still have enough light to see each other by before Poe talks.

“What if I can only read minds through a bond?” Poe asks. “I get snippets here and there from you, and that’s when you open your mind up for me. But what if I’ll never really get that far because I don’t have a bond with you?”

“Was that a pick-up line?” She snarked, sitting in the dirt across from him.

Poe smiles at her, enjoying the ease of their sibling-like relationship. “I visited that school so many times, I even remember that tower. Ben never told me about a girl in the tower.” He looks down. “He didn’t tell me a lot.”

“What if, instead of trying to get into my head, we focus on a memory? Remember when I showed you what Kylo Ren did to me? What if this time we don’t break, but during the memory you learn how to sneak inside. Like a gateway. This first time I can guide you.”

He nods. “You mean if we have enough common ground it could help?”

“It could open you up.” She smiles enthusiastically. “Here, let me show you how I met Finn.”

“That’s not a good idea,” he hesitates.

“I know you two are fighting, there’s a lot of bad blood there. But your bond, that’s something way too important not to fight for, Dameron. It’s something we have in common, meeting him. It might help as you learn.” She holds out her hands. “Take my hands because you still suck at this.”

“I thought you were supposed to be my teacher not the bully,” he replies, doing as he is told.

“Close your eyes, empty your head, wait for me to bring you in,” she says calmly.

Doing as he’s told, Poe closes his eyes. He’s finding it easier now to let his mind sink into that empty space. The first day it took nearly all day to get over traveling back to his encounter with Finn, but not he can just go empty. It’s just a white blank expanse and it’s so peaceful. He could fall asleep here, but he sees, no, feels really, Rey’s hand take his in this place and walk him forward into the sand.

Just like the memory with Kylo Ren, Poe is standing off to the side. To his left is Rey, fighting off scavengers with her staff. She pushes the last of them away and kneels down to pull a tarp off of BB-8. She asks him if he is okay and it warms Poe’s heart. 8 swirls his head around and Poe follows the droid’s gaze to Finn. Finn is standing against a support post for a tent. He’s covered in sweat and dust, wearing the jacket over his black shirt and pants. He looks to the side and behind him, not sure 8 and Rey are really looking at him.

“Who, him?” she asks the droid. He confirms and she starts running, full speed, towards Finn. Finn gets this adorable shocked look on his face and starts running, weaving through shops until Rey knocks him to the ground with her staff.

“What’s your hurry, thief?” She says, holding the staff at his throat.

“What…thief?” He looks around, seeing BB-8 approach, his welding arm coming out and shocking him. Poe smiles a little, proud of his droid. “Ow! Hey, what?” Finn replies.

“The jacket,” Rey says. “This droid says you stole it.”

“I’ve had a pretty messed up day, alright? So I’d appreciate it if you stop accusing me…ow!” he cries out as 8 zaps him again. “STOP IT!”

“Where did you get it? It belongs to his master.”

Finn looks to her, then the droid, as he puts it all together. He sighs heavily, realizing what has happened. An orange and white unit, one of a kind. He knows who it is. “It belonged to Poe Dameron. That was his name, right?” he looks to 8.

“Poe,” Rey says. He turns to his side to see Rey as she is dressed today standing next to him. “Come with me.”

“No, I…” Poe trails off, watching the scene before him.

“Poe didn’t make it,” Finn says, face fallen and voice trailing low.

“Poe, come on, before I lose you,” Rey touches his shoulder. He turns away, hearing Finn’s voice in the background and feeling so lost.

“I’m going to walk you through my head for a while,” she says, holding his hand as they walk away from the outpost and into the desert. “Once you’ve gotten the hang of it, I’m going to challenge you to go off alone. Okay? Right now I’m just guiding you through the Force, what you need to learn to do is to guide yourself inside someone else’s head. Got it?”

“Okay,” he says, squeezing her hand.

In the blink of an eye, he finds them standing in the middle of a huge empty space. No, it’s a ship. One of the Empire’s Destroyers. It’s dusty and hollow. In front of them is Rey, but a few years younger. She’s arguing with a boy—maybe twenty--over some piece of space junk. She’s about to take her staff to him when he grabs her neck and slams her onto her back. She pushes and fights him, but he straddles her and waves the debris in her face with a smile.

“This is going to fetch ten portions at least.”

“I found it, Ferrick,” Rey says.

“Tell you what,” he sneers. “I’ll give you half the portions I get if you touch my cock.”

“NO!” She yells, pushing him as hard as she can. He’s clearly stronger than her. Poe resists the urge to step in, knowing he can’t anyway. She can’t be more than fifteen. “GET OFF!”

“When’s the last time you ate, little Rey?” He laughs, setting the part to the side. “I haven’t seen you at Niima in a few days. I can hear your stomach rumbling. Two more portions if you let me touch you. I bet you are wet and soft, between your legs.”

Poe watches Rey’s expression go soft, sad. She’s hungry. Poe watches her face contemplate Ferrick’s offer. He wants to scream at her when she finally closes her eyes and nods. Ferrick opens his pants and starts to pull away at her clothes. She lays there and just lets him, staring off over his shoulder.

Poe looks away. “Rey…why show me this?”

“Sometimes I wonder if you realize that you aren’t the only person who has suffered,” she says, still holding his hand. “That afternoon, at the outpost, he threw two portions at me and laughed. This was the only time I ever did this and I regret it every day. It was humiliating.”

“I’m so sorry, Rey,” Poe says, not knowing what else to say.

“Going inside someone else’s head can be very painful. When Luke had me go into his, the pain was nearly unbearable.”

They turn around and Poe finds them both inside some fallen ship of some sort. It looks almost like a workshop. There’s a lamp on in the corner casting a very dim light on what few possessions were inside. Poe heard thunder outside. He saw a younger Rey looking through a crack in the hull across the room from them.

“The Teedos believed that the god R’iia created one storm, and it traveled Jakku endlessly,” the Rey holding his hand says. “They were horrible storms, lasted for days. I remember this time I didn’t have any food stores and only a few bottles of water.”

Poe turns back to watch the younger Rey, covered in dust from head to toe, start to peel off her clothes near the door. He turns his head until Rey tells him it’s safe to look, that she only shook out her clothes in this memory. He looks back to see the young Rey sitting down in front of a small generator and powering up a makeshift computer.

“How did you do this?”

“I scavenged,” she said. “I learned how to fix up computer parts, Unkar always paid more for working parts. I kept a few for myself over the years.”

Looking back, Poe sees that Rey has booted up a flight simulator. That’s how she learned to fly, on this tiny little makeshift computer in the belly of a fallen AT-AT—which of course he recognized from the many books he’s read over the years about the war. He sees little collections of items litter her home. She has a modest bedroll with threadbare sheets. There’s a small stuffed doll made to look like an X-Wing pilot on the shelf. He sees it and smiles. But he focuses on Rey flying Imperial ships on her computer, practicing maneuvers and whooping and hollering as she succeeds. Outside, the whipping sand thrums on the hull and the thunder rumbles, but in the warm glow of light Rey is having fun flying her ships. She’s so childlike here, as if the only thing she has to worry about is crashing her fake ship on the screen in front of her.

“I like this memory better,” he says softly.

“I do, too.”

The room disappears in favor of a softly moonlit sky. Poe instantly recognizes the Jedi Academy. He turns, looking for the tower he knows she lived in. He looks over to her and she nods, face calm yet serious.

“You have to get to me in the tower and find out what I’m doing,” she says. “This night was very special to me It’s a memory I’ve only recently discovered again. It’s your job to find out why. I’m not going to make it easy for you.”

Nodding, Poe takes a deep breath. “I will.”

Rey lets go of his hand and she disappears. As he looks to the tower, walls begin to form in front of him. Bricks stack fast, flying through the air. Poe starts to run at them but it’s already too late. The walls go higher and higher until they block out the moonlight and he is left in the dark. He starts to pound on them with his fists, but nothing. He feels his boy back in the cave and tells himself to reach a hand out, like Kylo Ren did, but he doesn’t even know if it’s working. Screaming, Poe starts to pour his Force energy into imagining each block falling from the top but nothing happens.

“Poe, come back.”

Poe opens his eyes with a sharp gasp, instantly coughing. He’s lying on his back in the cave with Rey. She rolls him on his side as he coughs. He puts his hand to his chest, feeling his pulse pounding. “I…I couldn’t…”

“Shhh,” she leans over and rests her face in his hair. “You were trying to bring the walls down. I felt it. You were so angry, Poe. Breathe slowly,” she whispers, holding him there. “You panicked.”

“I can’t do this, Rey,” he says, letting her hand on his back and breath in his hair soothe him. “I can’t. I’m not a Jedi.”

“I’m right here, Poe. I’m not going anywhere.”

~

Rey and Poe are the last to arrive back at the cabin for dinner. Tonight Luke prepared some roasted meat with root vegetables. Rey slides in next to Luke, leaving Poe to again sit between Ben and Finn. Poe tries not to tense as he sits, shifting his chair only slightly closer to Finn. The food is warm but bland and Poe supposes that Luke was the kind of man who saw food as mere fuel for his physical body and he took little pleasure in consuming it.

“Ben,” Luke says, setting down his spoon. “Your training begins tomorrow.”

“You are going to take the cuffs off?” Finn asks. “You can’t do that. You don’t know what he’s capable of.”

“We all know, Finn,” Luke says. “But we have to trust him.”

Finn shakes his head. “No, not until Poe and I are better trained and can stop him when, and I said when, he goes all Dark Side again.”

“Finn, you have to open your mind to the idea that this isn’t Kylo Ren,” Rey says. “Not the one you knew.”

“Pretty hard for me to believe that,” Finn says, dusting his hands on his thighs. “Not after what I’ve seen.”

“Is killing all those Stormtroopers on Takodana when the First Order found you any different?” Ben sets his fork on the plate and stares at his food. “You are a killer, too. You’ve just changed who you kill and who you kill for.”

“I am nothing like you,” Finn says, standing. “I should have let Kare…”

“Stop.” Poe stands between them. “This is not how we stop the First Order.”

“There is no stopping the First Order, I’ve been saying that from the beginning,” Finn turns to Rey. “This is a mistake.”

“This is not up for discussion,” Luke interjects.

“May I be excused?” Ben asks, not looking up from his meal.

“Of course,” Luke nods.

“Good night,” Finn says, leaving for his own room as Ben makes his way up the stairs.

Poe sits back down and forces himself to finish his meal, knowing he’s going to need the fuel. He clears his plate, Finn’s and Ben’s in silence, feeling the air around the table thicken. Luke and Rey eat silently, the only sound in the room is their chewing as Poe goes down the hall to knock on Finn’s door. Poe had no idea what to say other than he can’t repeat their last encounter and he’s just about to give up when Finn finally answers. He moves aside to let Poe in his room, closing the door quietly behind him. Poe stands over by the window, hands in his pockets, wondering what the fuck to do, while Finn sits on the foot of his bed.

“I should feel the same way,” Poe finally says.

“What do you mean?” Finn asks in return.

“About Kylo Ren. I spent nearly every second since I found out who he was trying to convince myself, and even Leia, that Ben is gone. More than anyone I should know how you feel.”

“But you don’t,” Finn says.

“It scares me, when I look at him now I see Ben. I don’t want to. I don’t want to agree with Luke or Rey, but I do. At the same time I also agree with you.” Poe turns to look at Finn. “I want to believe he isn’t Kylo Ren anymore, but I know it doesn’t matter what I want. He is always going to be Ben to me, but he’s always going to be Kylo Ren.”

“Poe,” Finn stands, walking over to him and wrapping his arms around his waist. He rests his forehead on Poe’s shoulder. “I’m scared of him. My fear is going to make me vulnerable, he’ll know it. He’ll destroy me. The way he looked at me on Starkiller…”

“I know,” Poe says, holding him close and remembering the memory Finn showed him during one of their connections. Poe hums in his chest, reaching an arm around Finns back and his other hand cradles his head against him. They stand in the moonlight, slightly swaying together in the dark room. They don’t cry and they don’t kiss. This is what Poe misses, this closeness. They hold onto each other like they can physically shove themselves pack together and fix everything they broke. He gets sad for a moment, knowing full well that it isn’t going to be this easy.

~

This time, when Poe walks towards the Tower at the Jedi Academy, the walls are gone. It’s pouring hard rain that stings when it hits his face. He walks through small puddles in the dirt until he gets to the tower. The door at the bottom is wide open, wooden splinters indicating it had been forced. A pit of dread sinks into Poe’s stomach as he begins to race up the steps. Something is wrong, Poe can feel it.

He gets to the top of the door and pushes open another wooden door to reveal a large circular room. The stone openings for windows allow the strong hitting sound of the rain to echo. The wind comes in and blows a mist over Poe’s face.

Finn is standing in front of Kylo Ren. Ren’s saber is bright red and angry between them while Finn’s own saber is on the ground, deactivated. Finn is panting and sweaty, clearly worn from the fight. Ren is also worn, but he has the upper hand. They both stare each other down as if Poe wasn’t there. Finn pants and falls to one knee, clutching his bleeding shoulder.

“You…win…” he manages to say.

“Very well.” Kylo Ren responds, sending his saber down through Finn’s chest. Poe screams when Finn’s body hits the ground of the room, the thud echoing and shaking the Tower.

When he looks at Kylo Ren, he sees Ben. Five years old, wearing a white tunic and brown pants. His hair just the wrong side of needing a haircut, curly and dark brown. He walks over to Poe with a big smile on his face, holding out a small toy figure of the Millennium Falcon.

“This is a present for you! Welcome to our city!”

Poe looks at Ben, realizing he doesn’t have to look down. He holds up his hands to see he’s smaller. Younger. He’s 8 years old again. Taking the toy, he examines it carefully. “It looks like Mr. Solo’s ship.”

“It IS! My Daddy’s ship is FAMOUS! It stopped the war against THE EMPIRE!” Ben says excitedly.

“My daddy fought in that war too,” Poe replies.

“My name is Ben. What’s your name?”

“Poe.”

When Poe looks up from the toy, he sees Ben as an adult, cuffs around his wrists, long hair and faint scar. Poe notices he too has grown. “This is what you wanted?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know, but you didn’t have to kill him.”

“One of us has to die, you know that.” Ben moves closer. “You and Finn are so broken.”

“You and I are broken,” he replies.

“Are we really, Poe Dameron?”

~

Poe shoots up in bed, panting. The moonlight shines over him lying next to Finn in Finn’s room, both of them still fully clothed but covered in a shared blanket. Poe is sweating and hot. He starts to strip layers of clothing away until he’s just in his pants. He stands up and moves to the window, hoping for a cool draft to hit him. The dream has him shaken. Poe wonders if he didn’t dreamwalk into Finn’s head, just enough to see his insecurity about Ben, or if it was Poe’s own fears manifesting themselves in his sleep. Not finding enough relief near the window, Poe decides to leave the room and go to the kitchen for something to drink.

When he pads out to the main room, he sees the light of a single candle in front of the couch. He grabs a large glass and fills it with water, drinking it all before refilling it. He moves to extinguish the candle someone left burning when he sees Ben laying on the couch with a book.

“Sorry, I thought someone left a candle burning,” Poe says, turning to leave.

“Poe?” Ben sits up and turns to face him. “You okay?”

He nods, initially taken back by the concern in Ben’s voice and the very question itself coming from him. “Just thirsty.”

“You’re sweating.” Ben gets a look of recognition on his face. “Oh, right. I saw you go into his room.”

Poe finds himself wanting to deny that they were fucking just now but in reality it doesn’t matter. Poe doesn’t owe Ben any sort of explanation or excuse. Instead, he sits in an armchair across from him. “Did you ever try to dreamwalk with me? Maybe when we would camp together?”

Ben shakes his head. “Once or twice but it didn’t work. I gave up on it.” He sets the book down on the coffee table. “What is it like?”

Poe locks eyes with Ben. This is what makes feeling the same as Finn so hard. This is what is going to drive a permanent wedge between them, forever. There is no trace of Kylo Ren in front of him, not now. Even the very faint scar that Rey says she inflicted on his face is faint enough from the medical intervention he surely had access to that it doesn’t mar the face Poe grew up knowing so well.

“It’s like being two people at once,” Poe replies honestly. “For a while, it was part of our connection. We were the same person with the same mind. We knew each other completely.”

“What happened?” Ben asks.

“What?”

“You talk in the past tense,” Ben clarifies. “So, what happened Poe?”

“None of your business,” Poe retreats from the conversation. “It’s a long story.”

“All we are is one long story,” Ben says. “At the mercy of the writer.”

“So what, your writer is Snoke?”

“I thought so, for a long time. Then Hux,” Ben swallows. “But being here, talking to you, I feel like I could be that writer. I could take control of myself again, or perhaps for the first time. I still feel it, though. That call to the Dark Side. Like a drug. If Hux were to walk into this room right now I would do whatever he told me without question.”

Poe stands up, suddenly angry at Ben’s lack of remorse. “You were always in control, Ben. You were in control when we would fuck or kiss or what you would and wouldn’t tell me. You were in control that night you killed everyone. That night on Jakku, or on Starkiller. It was always you, you just hid behind a name and a mask.”

“For the longest time I thought I wasn’t. But you’re right. I was because I chose to be weak and let them control me. Poe, I can’t...” He stands and reaches for Poe’s hand but drops it before he gets close enough. “I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am.”

Poe looks down at Ben’s hands, wrists still cuffed. “Maybe when those come off you can show me the real Ben Solo. No walls, no guards. Maybe then I’ll believe you when you say you are sorry.”

He leaves Ben to his candle and his book and goes back into Finn’s room. Finn wakes when he sees Poe and smiles sleepily, holding his arms out for Poe to slide into as they fall back asleep.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments let me know yer still with me on this crazy ride. I always love to hear what people think is going to happen too (don't worry, I have it all outlined so you won't influence me either way).
> 
> Also, Rey learning to fly using simulators is canon, I took that from the Before the Awakening book. Take that weird old guy at Comicon two weeks ago who thought Rey was stupid!!!!!!


	53. Chapter 53

I've been in the hospital with a severe lung condition and a still undiagnosed internal issie. I waneed to let you know I have not abandoned this fic...just give me some time.

Thanks all!!!

**Author's Note:**

> ***Also, trying to establish the timeline: Star Wars Wikia estimates that Rey was born 11 years after the Battle of Endor, making her approx. 19 years old. She was left on Jakku when she was 5 so that’s 14 years ago. It’s estimated Kylo Ren was born about a year after the Battle of Endor, making him 29 years old. Poe was born 2 years before Endor, making him 32. Finn was born 7 years after Endor, making him 23.***
> 
>  
> 
> ***I can't seem to edit the text, but I messed up my timeline, Poe actually should have joined the Resistance at age 25 to stay consistent with my story***


End file.
